Thursday, October 27, 2011

Fear: Open Adoption Roundtable

I have never feared a birthmother would kidnap my child.  My only irrational fear initially was that if I agreed to an open adoption and then the birthparents were in an unhealthy place I would be forced to continue an open relationship that was not healthy for my child.  As I have gained a better understanding about open adoption this no longer is a fear of mine as I believe my agency will help create a plan that is safe for my child as well as the birthparents.  (i.e. they dont recommend unsupervised visits until both parties feel comfortable which I'm not concerned about).

The things I fear about adoption now:
- The birthparents will pick our book but then rescind when they meet us.
- The birthparents will stay in contact while the baby is small but move on when they are old enough to start understanding and have real questions.
- My child will be teased at school.
- I wont have the right answers or the answers I give when they are younger will be perceived as lies since young children need the concepts simplified.
- My in-laws wont treat my children the same as the other grandchildren.
- I wont be able to provide a culturally rich environment due to where we live and will cause my child to dislike physical features that make them "different"
- My child will not have a good understanding of their heritage.
- That my child will feel like s/he cannot talk to me about their worries regarding their adoption.
- That they wont come to us when people say incorrect/insensitive things about adoption or more worrisome that someone will tell them something incorrect/insensitive specifically about their adoption.
- That I wont be able to stand up for myself the first time someone asks me about their "Real" mom rather then reminding them that I AM my child's REAL Mom.
- That we will never catch up financially
- We will be offered another match that doesn't fit and have to turn it down (we were offered a premature baby in another state when I didn't qualify for FMLA)

The things I fear about being a parent:
- My child will not be healthy (I'd like to point out that that this firmly sits on the parent column of fears what parent doesn't count their babies fingers and toes when they arrive?)
- My child will have questions I am unable to answer about the world and how it works.
- That our planet is not a healthy/safe enough place to bring a child into.
- That I'm going to make mistakes as a parent
- That I wont have enough resources to provide all the things I want my child to have.
- That I wont be able to provide my child with a sibling (this kind of falls under adoptions only due to financing a second adoption)
- That I wont be able to protect my child from the world
- That I wont know what to do the first time my baby gets a fever
- That I'm going to drop them
- That I'm going to sleep through his/her cries at night
- That I wont be able to function because I'm sleep deprived and make a mistake in his/her care

This was a challenging prompt though I'm glad I forced myself to do it.  I wrote the majority of this the day the prompt was posted but I was fearful of posting it.  I think its hard to be honest about my fears.  I know that just like my initial concern about the adoption plan has changed with time.  I know my present list of fears will change in time.  It will be interesting to look back particularly after placement.


  1. Wow, you had some really good ones that I have felt too. It is such an honest post, thanks for sharing! Some of them I have never thought of, but realized that I share that same fear!

  2. What a great post! Your fears about Open Adoption are some of the same that I had, and still sorta have. Mainly, the fear of my son's birth family losing interest as he gets older. So far, this isn't an issue, and I pray that it keeps going as strong as it has been.

    As for your fears of being a parent... so many are common for all new parents. I can say that you more than likely won't have to worry about sleeping through their cries at night... make sure that your baby monitor is on and you'll be okay. Even if it's off, your baby will keep screaming until you DO hear them (they get louder and louder).

    You WILL make mistakes as a parent (we all do). Just try and learn from them and try not to repeat the same mistakes again and again.

    You WILL be sleep deprived but if you take the advice of everyone you meet (they'll all tell you this), sleep when your baby sleeps. Leave the cleaning and other things for later-- sleep when the baby is sleeping and you won't be sleep deprived. When the baby is up, put them in a swing, or better yet, babywear them and you can clean and do the things you would have done while they were sleeping!

    Anyway-- wanted to say I enjoyed your post. I'm an Open Adoption Blogger and do the Open Adoption Roundtables!