Monday, January 30, 2012

Tax Credit

Can someone riddle me this?

The tax law states that if you have adoption expenses but the adoption is not finalized you cannot make a claim on your taxes until the following year.  So in our case we had adoption expenses in 2010 and we did not finalize.  In 2011 we also had adoption expenses and we did not finalize.  So I went to try to claim the rebate for the expenses we had in 2010 (the application fee, finger prints, book, etc $1500).  Turbo Tax wont let me claim the $ because I dont have the name of a qualified child.  I still have expenses though!

It does tell me that I would need to send a copy of our Home Study letter to prove you are in the adoption process.  So why would the approval letter be sufficient if you need an actual child in your custody?  Its as if they think that the love the adoption process and its expenses might lure me into paying for an application but not have intent to adopt a child.

Theoretically our child will arrive this year and we wont have to worry about the law sunsetting before we get to claim these expenses on our taxes.  I'm mostly worried because we are not a family of great resources being able to get back some of the money we put into this process determines if we can have another child.

I dont get it.  I'm frustrated.

I've also heard that claiming adoption expenses on your taxes increases your chances for an audit.  Just one more way adoption makes me feel like a criminal.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Support and Understanding

My little sister had a bed bug problem that was found quickly and was contained to the living room in her apartment.  They had to throw out all the living room furniture.  This would be stressful for most people but for her this is the second time an apartment she has lived in has had an outbreak (no fault to her either time).  So she was a little stressed.  She finally is in a place where its been long enough that her and her roommates are going to buy new furniture.  She was stressed out because no one could agree on what they should get and really she just wanted life to return to normal.  She said to me something to the effect of: I really dont understand what it must be like (to be waiting to adopt) but I know how badly I want a futon and I can't imagine having to wait for a baby.  She went onto say she knew a futon and a baby were nothing similar except at this point in her life this is the big thing she is having to wait for.

In response to my blog about not knowing if I can go through our paper work being updated again this year a friend texted me the following:  "You are one of the strongest women I know, you dont have to find strength you have strength!!!  I know there may  not be many comforting words now just know we love you and you CAN do this and WILL do this!  Can't is a weak word!  One day soon the reward will be worth it! XOXO"  She said she couldn't offer comforting words but just by texting me she provided the support I needed that day.  I don't think alone that I can go through the paper work again but knowing that I have the support of friends helps make the challenge more do-able.  Besides I dont have a choice.

Another friend that I shared my blog has been e-mailing back and forth with me.  She shared with me: "Something similar, (not really), is that we have decided not to purchase a house right now."  She went on to discuss that since they are married people feel like they have a right to  tell her what they think about them not buying a house (she didn't say anything about it but i'm sure people also feel they have a right to say something about if they are trying for children or not).  

Maybe I'm getting more understanding that people around me can't get it because they have not lived it.  Maybe I'm having an effect on my friends/family reactions towards me.  Possibly a combination of the two.  I have found that I'm getting better at letting the bad things slide off.  For example: A residents husband asked if I had children I responded no, he asked questions about if we were planning on having children and I danced around the topic.  Finally I shared that we were adopting to which he responded "You can't have your own?"  To which I responded "Yes I can"  Since my adopted child will be MY child (See my post "Are You Unable to have Children?" for a very similar interaction).  He then told me that he didn't understand because he would only want a child that was blood related.  I ignored his comment and said that if the adoption was closed that it would be challenging to know some information in the future but that was the only negative I found for my family, but didn't answer his questions about why we were choosing to adopt (my fertility is none of his business).  He got huffy and left the room.  He still had not returned by the end of the treatment (1 hr).  I was confused as to what had made him so upset.  That night I was replaying the conversation in my head while making dinner... when I realized... I THINK HE THOUGHT I WAS A LESBIAN!!! LOL  To test my theory when I saw him next time I made sure to mention my husband, talk turned again to if I had children and then he said "oh yeah right you are adopting" like it was no big deal.  

Everyone has their own experiences and hardships.  Just like I will never understand what it like to live through bedbugs not once but twice my sister I hope will never experience infertility.  This process has not only forced me to grow and change I think its forced those around me to grow and change as well.  I hope that I am as good as they all have been at expressing that I can't understand specifically what they are going through but we all have been through rough times of our own.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

It Doesn't Seem Real

DH told me the other day when I asked him if he feels ready to be a Dad.  He shared with me that honestly the process doesn't seem real.  I agreed with him.  The only real tangible that I have is the nursery and even that seems odd.  Strange to have a couple, their dog, and cat living in a house with a nursery.  Each time I go in there I make physical contact with the crib as if touching it will make it feel real.  A real baby will sleep in the crib.  A real baby will rock in the rocking chair with me.  A real baby will use the diapers and ride in the car seat.

The nursery is an odd room at this point like a crossroads.  When you walk in to the left of the door is a crib and straight ahead is my desk and file cabinet.  Across the room from the crib is the changing table.  Across from my desk is the futon I bought when I first moved to New England and had my first place which is now piled high with baby stuff- car seat, tub, and parts to the changing table.  In the closet is the dresser that once was filled with my clothes and now holds the gifts we have received.  Hanging to the left are my dresses and to the right are baby outfits.

Its a room to hold my stuff and the baby stuff.  At this point its not really functional for anyone.  Its too full of things for me to productively work and its not space to care for a baby in.  I can't get myself to clear my desk away because it doesn't make sense at this point to cramp DH's office with my stuff as well as I feel like it is somehow less depressing to have the room still "function" as my office and a nursery.

I hope someday soon we will be thrust into parenthood.  Neither of us will be truly ready only because parents never are.  I have heard of friends telling me when they gave birth to their children it didn't seem real so I consider it natural that it wont feel real for us either.  No matter if it feels real or not the baby will cry, need to be fed, diapered, and loved- we are ready.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Ich Liebe Dich (I Love You)

I was nominated for the Liebster Blog Award by one of the amazing moms I follow.  It isn't clear where the award started and its not adoption related but its based on love and well... thats what adoption is all about.  Liebe means love in German and liebester means "favorite" or dearest."  
Robin searched and I searched and neither of us found an origin to the award but the award was a kind gesture and I appreciate Robins admiration of my honesty on my blog.  The Liebster Award is for “little blogs” with fewer than 200 followers and is a way to spread the word about your great finds.
Five blogs I’ve nominated:
  • Maru is a Mom and now an occasional blogger.  Her words of wisdom from her process continue to support and give hope to those of us who are still waiting. I had the pleasure of getting to interview her as a part of the interview project in November of 2010.

  • Amber is the wife of a police officer, a Mom to her son, and a waiting Mom like I am.  Her blog has reminded me of the hope that I had at the start and reminds me of the hope that I need to continue to nourish.

  • "k" Katelyn a birthmother who until recently blogged anonymously as I have.  She has helped me a great deal in understanding the part of the triad thats voice is often heard the least.  "K" has a strong voice and will become an amazing social worker.

  • Cathy's blog is fun to follow and is a mom to a rambunctious toddler.  She is the queen of play dates (I'm going to have to get some tips from her in the future).  Her photography catches precious moments as her baby grows.  The smile on her boys face gives me hope each day that my baby will be in my arms soon.

  • Paula my amazing friend from "real life." Who is a hard working Mom.  Not only does she cut my hair and make me feel amazing.  She also is a great listener and my original follower (besides DH).  Her blog is an insperational diary of getting back into shape after the birth of her terrific two year old.

    *Honerable mention to the woman that nominated me Robyn.  She is honest and direct in her posts. She is a mama lion and is a super star when it comes to being a working mom.  Love her blog!
The rules of this award are:
  1. Show your thanks to the blogger who nominated you by linking back to their blog. Thanks Robyn!
  2. Nominate five other blogs with 200 followers or fewer by posting a comment on their blogs.
  3. Post the award on your blog.
  4. Check out what the other up-and-coming blogs have to offer.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Part Time Mom

So its official that in the coming months I will move from 5 days per week to 4 days per week.  I will have a Friday, Saturday, Sunday weekend.  This means I can continue to get things done like doctors appointments, banking, post office, etc done on Fridays.  I will continue to get Saturdays off... and then.... the best part I GET SUNDAYS OFF again!  This will mean I get to go to church again!

Its hard to work Sundays, leave for a few hours then come back.  In addition its challenging because I want to bring my child up in a church family.  Honestly once my child grows up they can become any religion they want but to have some kind of spiritual guidance is important to me.  My parents were not overly churchy but we went to sunday school as children.  I gained a great deal from it.  I also feel like its a much needed break each week to reflect on all that is good.

So when does this all happen?  This is happening in part because a co-worker is pregnant with an unexpected fourth baby.  This means that she is looking to pick up a few extra hours.  Her husband has normal weekends (Sat/Sun) and is able to be home with the children so she wants to work on the weekends.  So likely she will work her current shift until after her maternity leave so unless my baby arrives sooner it wont happen for another 9 months.

I have some reservations because a plan only truly official until it happens.  Its dependent on her really wanting to work three days per week to her current two.  Sometimes its amazing to me how life comes together I'm just a little skeptical until the plan comes together.

Part of my plan is to pick up a per diem job to get a sense of some of the other local employers.  I will work those jobs on Friday/saturdays/Sundays that DH is home.  It is a financial risk for us however part time daycare is always cheaper then full time daycare.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Strong Enough

My parents taught me how to be a strong woman.  There was no pushing us around.  If something wasn't right we were taught to speak up even if it was to authority.  It got me in trouble a few times but it also has made me the woman I am.

I've been through my share of struggles.  Life has yet to be a cake walk for me- we have worked hard to get where we are and continue to work towards where we are going.  Which is why lines like "God doesn't give you challenges you can't handle" or "This experience will make you stronger" dont cut it for me.  I don't think we were put on this path because we need to carry a burden to make us stronger or were given this challenge simply because we were already strong enough.

I often think "Why us?", "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?"  I know there is no answer for these questions.

Sometimes I have a weak moment and think- maybe we were given this "challenge" because we could do it or because we needed to gain more strength but damn it I AM strong enough already and someone else can take on a challenge for a change.  This didn't happen TO us it is rather it is the experience we are living through to achieve what we want.  I struggle with the desire for people not to feel sorry for me while in the same breath I want people to understand my experience.  Often I think people think this is one in the same.

Just when I think I'm giving in and am weak I get a text like this one:
"You are one of the strongest women I know, you dont have to find strength you have strength!!!  I know there may  not be many comforting words now just know we love you and you CAN do this and WILL do this!  Can't is a weak word!  One day soon the reward will be worth it! XOXO"

Saturday, January 21, 2012


Today I had a really nice conversation with my neighbor who induced lactation using the short version of the protocol I'm using.  We have played phone tag for a while and finally chatted!  She had a friend who has a lactaid that she is going to loan me.  The lactaid can be used by anyone and is known as a supplemental feeder.  The baby is at breast and the lactaid has a small tube that ends at the nipple so when they suckle they are drawing milk from the lactaid and possibly from the breast as well.  In my case I hope to only need the lactaid initially but I'll do what I need to do to feed my baby.  The funny thing is last weekend I almost bought one but didn't.  They are a little pricey but you can get them with a prescription and then its a medical expense.

She answered my questions about her experience with the medication, supplements she used, and formula.  She has similar beliefs as I do about formula which is why she chose to and I am choosing to induce lactation.  Besides the health benefits to breast milk I'm also leery of the health effects of soy.  Anything in moderation is good but to feed a baby only soy based products seems like a poor health choice.  She provided me with a cookbook that had a homemade formula that she started to use w her baby when he was six months.  She also shared her experience of getting only 1 oz per day initially!!  She used the fast track and i'm using the long method so we shall see if I have better luck initially.

Before speaking with her I had sketched the mural that I'd conceptualized over a year ago.  I had planned on maybe finishing it at some point this week.  Her encouragement carried over to the rest of my day.  I worked for the rest of the day on the mural.  Besides a last coat of paint on the leaves and some shading of the tree trunk... my fall tree is done!  It stands about 6 ft tall and I LOVE it.  I think I was in part terrified of drawing on the walls... now I can't wait to paint on the walls again!!  In honor of my success I am going to attach my first picture for my blog :)  The picture is a few coats back but it will give you the idea of what it looks like.

I was telling my mom that I hope I'm not sending out fall baby vibes because I can't wait that long.

My aching back

I've had trouble with my back for years.  One worry I have which I never have mentioned in my list of fears is that my back will interfere with my ability to parent.  There is not a position that my back doesn't hurt these days even with medication.

Yesterday I got a cortisone shot in my back which hopefully will allow me to get back to exercising and decrease my pain again.  If the shot doesnt' work they will likely operate.  I'm in a bind.  Part of me just wants to get the surgery done with so the pain goes away and part of me realizes the success rates of surgery and wants to stay as far away as possible.

I know that I have emotions tied into parenting and back pain.  My own mother injured her back when I was 11.  Her health became her fulltime job.  Responsibilities for my sisters and I quickly increased.  All active activities like camping and hiking as a family ceased.  My younger sister doesn't even recall our family doing those types of activities.

I realize how dramatic an injury can change a family.  I worry that I'll be that change.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

How Long its Been

I'm frequently reminded how long we have been waiting in unexpected ways.

Three years ago we went to the neurosurgeons office to make sure my back could tollerate a pregnancy.  Thats the last time I was there until Tuesday when the doctor reviewed my last visit.  I remember her telling us to have a baby, wait until I was thirty and then come back for surgery.  Well I dont have a baby I'm 30 and I might be back for surgery.

Two years ago our friends baby was born.  We went to her two year old birthday party this past weekend.  I remember when her mother was home on maternity leave we stopped by.  We already were talking adoption.  I had contacted our agency and had research our options.

We may have "only" been waiting one year, three months, one week, and five days, but thats our adoption wait time.  In honesty we have been waiting much longer.  Before our application was approved we were waiting to wait.  Before we were waiting to wait we were waiting for an infertility doctor to answer our questions.  Before we had questions for an infertility doctor to answer we were waiting for our trying to work.  Before we even started trying we were waiting for the right time to try.  Before we started waiting together for the right time to try we were both waiting for the right person to try with.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Asking for What I Need

Asking for what I need isn't exactly my strong point.  I am more apt to struggle with a problem until it boils over.  Case in point:  I mentioned in passing about three weeks ago to my boss that I wouldn't be able to work Sundays after the baby comes (DH works rotating weekends and besides picking his shift has no flexibility in his schedule).  She informed me that "we would see" and "work out the details when the baby came."

I literally got to the point where I broke down.  It was causing me not to sleep thinking about having to leave my child in unknown childcare on weekends (because we dont have family in the area).  The idea of inconsistency weekend to weekend drove me crazy.  Then it made me start realizing that at some point after waiting all these years for a child i was then going to leave it.  So the idea of child care in and of itself started to drive me crazy.  Then I broke down.  Sobbing.

I couldn't ask DH for me to stay home because I'm the "bread winner" at this point.  So staying home full time for me isn't an option.  Staying home for DH isn't an option either because his career is dependent on years served.  He also doesn't have part time as an option.  When I was sobbing I couldn't put into words what it was I was sobbing about or express to him what exactly it was that I was going to need.

The next day I was able to tell him.  I dont need to stay home full time but I also need to be home as much as possible.  We dont need lavish vacations because once baby arrives there will be no time for them anyway.  We have been squirreling away money for the adoption and prior to that we were saving for a house and prior to that I was in grad school so its been a long time since we "lived" on two incomes.  He agreed and didn't seem to question our ability to live on a just a little less.  Likely it will put off baby #2 but thats so highly dependent on tax credits/rebates anyway there may not be two.  On top of baby 1 hasn't appeared yet anyway.

So Sunday I wrote my boss a note and left it on her desk for Monday.  She stopped in briefly but was primarily home Monday because of her baby being sick.  She paged me and asked if I wanted to talk then.  I knew I couldn't have the conversation without tearing up so I told her I'd talk to her today.  When I got into work today we spoke for a few minutes.  I told her I wanted to work less once the baby arrived.  I told her that I'd be flexible and if she found someone sooner that was looking for hours I'd be willing to cut back sooner (I'd just work per diem somewhere until baby arrived on my "extra day off").  She asked if I had thought about what day I'd like it to be... this is where I struggled.  I told her that I want to be home on Sundays to go to church.  I also reminded her that Sundays would be challenging for me to work.  I then back peddled on myself and told her that I'd be flexible and could possibly work the Sundays DH had off.

Sometimes I'm too flexible and dont look out for me first.  The upside is i'm dependable and willing to make things work.  The downside is i'm easily taken avantage of (because I let it happen).  I need to be better at asking for what I need and being specific.

The moral of the story is my DH agreed with my assertion that I couldn't work full time and be the mom I want to be.  My boss agreed to look into a way to make my outlook for my family work into my work schedule.  If I get three days home w. my baby I will be blessed as not everyone gets that opportunity.

Monday, January 16, 2012


Its amazing to me how quickly my outlook can change.  One moment I'm blogging about being reduced by our situation and then I stubbled across a petition for making adoption more affordable.  In and of itself it did not change my outlook but I posted the link on my facebook page.  I asked people that we looking to support DH and I, could by signing the petition.  I'm sick of having the rebate/credit go year to year.  It makes our adoption plans shaky.  We will be able to adopt one child but without the rebate its going to be challenging to adopt baby #2.  A credit is better then nothing while no refund or credit would likely mean we would have an only child.  Its not right and its not fair.

Sharing the link made me feel like I was doing something but one response I received in particular made my day.  A friend from college e-mailed me telling me she had been considering adoption for her family.   What she will decide with her husband I don't know but the response I had to write was real but optimistic.  Adoption is expensive, potentially a very very long process, its heart breaking, and bigger then "getting" a baby.  Until you live the experience you never realize the process.  To outsiders it does look like one day you are a childless and the next you are not.  I did not focus on this aspect though but rather as a means to grow a family that guarantees a baby to love someday.

If you are interested please sign the petition here.

Sunday, January 15, 2012


I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.

- Maya Angelou

I found this quote on a friends facebook page today.  This weekend has been a little rough.  I took last Sunday off (my Monday) to go to Stowe.  A coworker had taken Friday off and then called in Sick Thursday.  I was the one asked to work Friday.  I have no ability to say "NO" so I had a one day weekend.

I'd like to chalk it up to no weekend but I've been cracking recently.  I have zero tolerance for people which really just isn't like me.  Monday I couldn't fall asleep because of my back pain and thoughts whirling in my head.  I went in to the room DH was in i'm not sure for what but suddenly just started to sob uncontrollably.  DH didn't have a clue as to what was going on.

I feel recently that I'm being reduced by our situation.  I am starting to lose faith in the process.  I grow more bitter each day and I'm disapointed with the person I'm becoming.  I know intelectually that I have control over my thoughts, emotions and actions but there is only so long that I feel that I can step up and live despite my sadness. 

I did have glimmers of happiness this weekend.  We went to our friends daughters two year old birthday party.  I also spoke with my little sister on the phone and when discussing summer plans she indicated that we should consider the possibility that we would have a baby with us. I had a harder time considering this possibility then she did.

Saturday, January 14, 2012


I got a copy of My Family, My Journey- A Baby Memory Book from my cousin for Christmas.  I unfortunately/fortunately already had this baby book.  A friend of mine had gotten it for me over the summer.  I actually already have it packed for the hospital so I know what pictures I'll need to take right away.  Its really nice because it is a baby book specifically for a baby that was adopted.  I have another book that I plan to put together for the birthmom called The Day You Were Born.  I will likely get two copies of that one so we have  a copy as well.  The Day you were Born is not an "adoption book" it will focus on the first hours with their birthmom and one thing I've learned by reading birthmom blogs is they all wish they had taken just a little more time with their babies the day they were born.  I hope I can get all the pictures the book requires but I think it would be a perfect birthmom gift (I'll write another post on birthparent gifts I have some mixed emotions on this one and well... too much of a tangent for this post).

So the books I exchanged the baby book for were:
Tell Me Again about the day I was born - I think the most well known adoption book and I've heard it highly recommended a few different places.  I'm looking forward to reading it.

Two Kinds of Love - A children's book based on the poem Legacy of an Adopted Child.   I fell in love with the poem the minute I read it.  If you look at the comments section of my post "Legacy of An Adopted Child there is a link to a woman who sought out the source of the poem apparently it was in Teen Magazine in the 80's written by a girl named Penny- who knows if this is true but the poem is perfect.  I actually like the poem so much I might frame it and hang it in the nursery.

The Day we Met You- know little about the book but it seemed nice and it fit the price range I needed.

I'll let you all know what I think about them once I get them.  I got a chance to buy a book for a friends daughter for her birthday.  I was so excited to read the book to DH who had never heard it before.  Books I read as a child still bring me excitement... Hungry Hungry Caterpillar, Caps for Sale, Anne of Green Gables (my dad would read this to us), Little House on the Prairie (my older sister loved these I could have done with out).  I honestly think one of the things I look forward to most starting from day one is read every night to my baby (I have books in the hospital bag :) ).  Children's books are so amazing. 

Friday, January 13, 2012

Kid Time

I've gotten a lot of baby time this past week.  My friend who's maternity leave I covered invited us over for dinner.  I held her baby girl and played with her son while her and her husband finished making dinner.  During dinner her son cried because his lasagna fell apart when he tried to eat it and no one could calm him until I told him I was going to eat mine backwards and flipped my dinner over, took the bottom noodle off and started eating the bottom first.  I then got to help put her little girl down for the night- she smelled SO good and her smile was contagious.  Unfortunately my friends sister just moved in from out of town so my place on the babysitting list just fell.

Last night when we picked up the dog I played with our friends little girl.  What a ham!  All three of us (the little girl, myself, and my dog) all got into the dog kennel together.  We played peek-a-boo and ran around a little (I'm starting to think i'm a bad influence on these kids).  She is so close to walking she insists on having two hands for walking even though she clearly can do it with one hand.  I got her to let me walk only holding onto one hand by tickling her every time she started to pout.

I know having kids isn't this much fun all the time but I look forward to making memories and seeing my children do things for the first time.  Including the first time they eat their lasagna upside down.

Little side story- so the kids shop down the street is closing.  The news just was announced and I called to see if they had any Britax infant carseats.  They had one left that was being held and darn it the person actually went and picked it up.  The bad thing is... this kids shop is the only place in the area that sells the infant seat.  oh well.

Legacy of An Adopted Child

Legacy of An Adopted Child
Author Unknown

Once there were two women,
Who barely knew each other.
One is in your heart forever,
The other you’ll call mother.

Two different lives,
Shaped to make yours one.
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.

The first gave you life,
And the second taught you how to live it.
The first gave you a need for love,
And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,
The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,
The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.

One gave you a family,
It was what God intended for her to do.
The other prayed for a child,
And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me
Through your tears,
The age old question through the years.
Heredity or environment…
Which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling… neither,
Just two different kinds of love.

Sunday, January 8, 2012


I try not to count months too often but this weekend was 15 months of waiting.  I try not to count because it wont make anything go any faster but ask me on any given day and I can tell you exactly how many months and days it has been since our official wait began.  My wait could be over in days, months, or year(s) which makes counting depressing but there is no way not to count.  If there is someone out there that has successfully waited (longer then a few months) that did so without counting I want to know their secret.

We met up with a couple who live in upstate NY in Stowe VT.  We went snow shoeing toured Ben and Jerrys, went to two breweries, and a vineyard.  At the vineyard (one of my favorites called Shelburne Vineyards) they had us sample a few wines they were trying to decide how to bottle.  I'd like to say it was enjoyable but I was in a bit of a funk a good part of the weekend.  DH as usual knows how to wrap me up in his embrace and love me anyway.  

There is no one else I think I could endure this with... so here is a song for him.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Protocol update

Almost three weeks in and my spotting as ended!! No aunt flow until after baby arrives (or 6 months which ever comes first). My breast hurt. In my middle school the boys had a game they thought was funny which was to bump into your chest "accidentally" to make your chest hurt. Thats how I feel now. Its not as bad as they were initially but still sore.

I called the MD about decreasing the mg's from 20 4x's daily to 10 4x's daily she said dont change a thing. She will see me again in February to make sure my blood pressure is good but I've been monitoring it at work on my own. I might be slightly elevated compared to my "norm" but I've also never checked my BP at work so it could just be work stressing me out. I normally run a low BP so a little higher isn't a bad thing.

I still have only missed the one pill. There have been a few days that my schedule has been off a little because of staying late at work or sleeping in but nothing too drastic. I need to call my neighbor about her experience but always seem to call her after 8 when her kiddos are in bed.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I Can't Do It Anymore

I got to thinking that in about three short months we will be asked to update our fingerprints again. Each time an anniversary like this comes up I say "I can't do this again" but I inevitably do. Each Halloween, Birthday, Christmas, New Years, Anniversary that passes I say I can't go through another one without a baby. Somehow life continues and I even am able to enjoy the moments I'm in, but I can't help but saying aloud at some point during the celebration "I can't do this again."

The first time I was fingerprinted I was bitter, the second time I was passive, but the third time I honestly don't know that I can do it. The first time my background check was completed and my child support obligation investigated I was annoyed, the second time I joked the third time I don't know that I can do it. The first time my taxes were provided I felt invaded, the second time it felt like an afterthought to the stack of papers I collected, but the third time I don't know I can do it. My throat burns and my eyes water typing these words because I know there is a strong chance I'm going to have to figure out how to do it again. Somewhere I'll find the strength but I'm not sure from where.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Social Worker

We met with the new social worker. She is not new to us as she was an intern around the time our application was approved. She is young (I can't believe I'm saying that). Not just age wise but she acts young. We made a few minor edits to our preference sheet and reminded her that we are flexible and willing to hear about babies that are "outside of our perimeters." We increased our ceiling for what we are willing to spend on out of state adoptions which we thought was higher- so we set it to what we thought it had been. Of all the things that really stuck out on that sheet of paper we wrote on almost a year and a half ago was our ages: 28. She said she planned on starting the support group back up in February. The meeting was quick all of 15 minutes.

Two side stories- yesterday at work one of my patients wives stopped me in the hall to chat. She then asked if she could ask a personal question- I agreed (I didn't have to answer). She asked me what my "hopes and dreams are" because she told me she prays for me and the physical therapist that works with her husband. I asked her if I could think about it and get back to her which she did not seem offended by but seemed to welcome. I started to get up and walk away. I dont know what possessed me to do it but I turned back around and whispered in her ear "a baby" - we both smiled and I hurried away. This couple really touches my heart- I hope her prayers help. He will likely not be around our facility much longer and he will be one of those that I keep in touch with after he is done at our facility.

Second side story was a yahoo news article that I read in the paper this morning. An amazing story about a women that chose to place her child for adoption at a time where there really was no choice. The woman had become pregnant after being raped. The birthmother is now 100 years old as was just recently contacted by her grandson who put her in contact with his mother (the baby that she had placed for adoption). It sounded like from the article that the agency she worked with initially provided what we would now consider a semi-open adoption as they provided her updates when she would write to ask for them. It made me wonder if the "history" of closed adoption is not fully accurate but that there were more semi open adoptions then we know about just not on a formal basis. Anyone know anything about it? I'm intrigued. Read here

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Measure a Year

Happy New Year!!!  
I wont tell you what I wished for at midnight but I bet you can guess.

2011 was not the year of the baby for us.  I told DH to call the hospital December 31st to make me up a bed if we dont have a baby by the 31st this year (the kind of bed thats in a padded room).  This waiting for a baby thing really feels at times like I have my life on pause.  There are a few job related changes I'd like to make but I feel paralyzed because I dont know when/if/where.

This New Years was easier to take then I expected with the social worker position being filled at our agency.  She is not full time initially but at least there is someone.  I also don't plan on letting her forget about us.  I know its ultimately the birthparents decision but the agency does choose which books they present.  I will be contacting her on a biweekly basis until the support group gets started again.

New Years Day was busy which is my MO when I want to forget about unpleasant things.  I got up, cleaned, ran errands, put dinner together, babysat (we went to the museum so much fun- I never knew how much fun water, bubbles, and fish could be), and had friends over for dinner.  DH and I went downtown for appetizers and a drink then kept each other up until midnight and instantly went to sleep.  I worked today.

As more time passess I get crankier and try to stay busy thus I'm exhausted and more cranky (I dont think the meds are helping).  So in true style I'm going to the hardware store to get the paint for a mural in the nursery.  Its full circle since last year we painted the room and put up the trim on new years day.  Next year I'll either be in the nursery with a baby or in a padded room without a mind.

Rent- Seasons Of Love
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes

How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure
A year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love? Measure in love
Seasons of love. Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes!
Five hundred twenty-five thousand

Journeys to plan.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.

It's time now to sing out,
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Seasons of love!

JOANNE(while ALL sing)
Oh you got to got to 
Remember the love! 
You know that love is a gift from up above 
Share love, give love spread love 
Measure measure your life in love.