Friday, December 30, 2011

Hi Mom!

So I shared the blog with my mom today.  She was asking how we were doing.  She was saying how hard it was for her to wait she couldn't imagine how we were waiting so "patiently."  I think this blog might open her eyes up to how impatient we are waiting.  She like all others has been sworn to secrecy so my blog posts will not change in content.  (My Dad knows as well and he took the same oath).

WE HAVE A SOCIAL WORKER AGAIN!!!  I'm so happy to have a social worker the fact that its the student social worker that lead some of the support groups is a moot point.  She is meeting with us next week Tuesday at 4PM.  Expect a blog post at 5PM.  :)

I also mailed back our last "loan" check.  I'm a little disappointed we didn't need it (because it would have meant baby arrived sooner then we were ready) but I'm also relieved that our finances for both in and out of state adoptions are in order.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Have not heard from me in a while

My Congressman has not heard from me in a while so I thought I'd send a note:

Dear Congressman,

I am writing again as a result of the poor and unpredictable funding for adoption in our country.  My cousin was recently adopted in England at no expense to her family.  Her parents got the same maternity/paternity leaves as any other parent in England.  They were able to spend time at home bonding with their baby and not worrying about finances.

As I have written before my husband and I are awaiting the placement of our child with us.  We are adopting domestically and hopefully from within the state of (my state).  We work hard but are not wealthy.  We will spend almost a third of our pretax income on the adoption once it finalizes.

Had our child been placed with us this year and the adoption finalized prior to December 31, 2011 we would have received a tax refund of $13,360 for tax year 2011.  Unfortunately for us and our family we continue to have an empty nursery and the finances for growing our family are in question.  We now maybe able to count on $12,170 credit IF we have  a placement and finalize in 2012.

To add to the financial burden I do not qualify for a paid maternity leave as my coworkers that birth their children do.

The adoption of our child will benefit our child, us, our child's birthparents as well as the (my state) tax payers.

I look forward to hearing what you are doing to secure consistent funding for (my state) Adoptive families.  I also would like to hear how we maybe able to address the inequalities in benefits employers are allowed to provide for families that birth vs. adopt their children.


Wednesday, December 28, 2011


If you are a TMI kinda person you may want to just skip down to the next post... but if you want to hear about how to protocol is going- read on :)

So I've still only missed one pill which is good for me given that I feel like I'm snacking on pills every few hours.  I also now can relate to my patients on a whole new level.  They get these little cups full of pills it seems like constantly.  I've come up with a few new strategies for remembering meds.  My pill box sits right on the edge of the sink so I can't miss it in the AM.  I also make sure that when I have lunch my pills are the first thing I "eat."  At the In-Laws house this weekend it was a little challenging because my routine was really different.

So hows it going?  I'm sore and big.  So I guess its working.  I'm going to call the MD tomorrow to find out if she really wants me on the 20mg 4x's daily because I have not been on the 20mg 4x's daily for even a week yet and well... I'm big and sore.  I also continue to bleed which is annoying.  I got new bras today- how come no one has ever told me how comfortable nursing bras are!!  I think I might never switch out of them.I figured if I'm bigger and my bra's are expensive either way might as well get nursing bras though I may still get bigger so I only got two of them.  $84.00!!!!!

I love the bra store I go to.  Its a small shop owned by a really nice woman that LOVES helping women with their bras.  I was a little nervous going in asking for nursing bras.  The woman kept looking at my belly then up at me with a confused look on her face.  She finally asked when I was due and when I told her I didn't know because we were adopting she didn't skip a beat because she started to ask about how much my breast had changed.  My guess is she has had other women induce or she is just that awesome.  She also suggested that since I'm getting bigger fast that I start wearing support at night she said it would reduce the soreness and reduce the chances of "saggy" boobs.  

Mother In Law

DH called his mother on his way home from work yesterday.  When he got home he told me "I just got finished with a very long conversation with my mother."  I want to start by saying had my mother said something like his mother did (see post) I would have called her on it as well.

He told me that he lied and said he had overheard the conversation himself but had not stepped in at the time.  He told her the two of us had not discussed it.  He didn't tell her much about what was said except that she was "upset" that we would think that she though adoption resulted in her nephews poor behavior.  She also was "worried" that I might think the same think that DH did about the conversation and that he needed to talk to me immediately about it.  She apparently didn't recall "exactly what she had said" however she never meant to imply that the adoption resulted in his poor behavior.

I dont really care- I'm just glad she has been as DH states it "put on notice."  I love him.  He's going to be a great Dad.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011


I got a Pandora bracelet for Christmas last year.  My bracelet has a house on it and a spacer bead.  This year my MIL got me another house and a spacer bead.  I went yesterday to exchange the house for something different.  I found a bead that said "Hope."  Its perfect.  Its what I need.  Its symbolic because (although an exchange) its a gift from my MIL.  It will symbolize my hope for her and the love she will have for her grandbaby and hope that I will have our baby in our arms soon.

I was initially going to put Jack Johnsons song "Hope" at the end of my post.  Before I did I spent some time reading the lyrics and realize that his song implies that Hope is something that always disappoints.  So instead I attached the song which came after "I Hope You Dance" which is so fitting because dancing is what keeps my mind off of this waiting and allows me to have hope.

Monday, December 26, 2011


So I believe I'm mentioned this before but possibly not.  DH's cousin is having a rough time of it recently.  He just turned 20 years old.  He is struggling in school (which is nothing new) and has not been successful at finding a job (which I dont think he is trying very hard at).  He plays computer games ALOT and he is spoiled (no job but still drives a truck... where is the $ for gas & payments coming from?)

I have many of the same concerns as DH's parents do for their nephew.  He isn't making progress towards his goals.  He blames his parents for a lot and apparently voices this on FB (the only quote I could find on his FB about his parents ("I really like how my parents are shooting my weekends to hell on a regular basis. This shit is really getting old guys. Cut the shit already."  ).  I agree its disrespectful however I dont think he is the first young man transitioning from being a child to an adult has said/thought- there just is FB now.

Crapping on this nephew is not a new hobby.  In middle school he never played sports and DH parents thought this was a problem and demonstrated he was "lazy."  He has never been good in school because he has a learning disability (as does DH's brother but he played sports so he had some redeeming qualities).

So why am I talking about this on my blog?  DH's cousin also happens to be adopted.  He was adopted at birth.  It was a semi-open adoption however the agency he was adopted with has since closed and no communication was ever passed between the birthmother and his aunt/uncle prior to the agency closing.

In the past discussions of our adoption would often segway into conversations about what problems this cousin was presently having.  Was he going to graduate h.s.?  Did he have a job?  Was he lazy?  This weekend my MIL finally went the other way... I walked into the conversation between my SIL and my MIL in the kitchen.  My MIL was hashing out how she worries for her sister because of her nephews threatening FB posts (I have never seen one... unless she is misinterpreting some of his gaming quotes?  I have no idea where she is getting this from).  She was talking about how the stress her nephew is causing her sister may cause her cancer to come back (its been in remission for a VERY long time- I think before her son was born- I could be wrong).  She then said "I wonder if its because he is adopted." (it was a statement not a question).  I was steamed!!  I took a moment to ask myself if she REALLY had said what I thought she said.  I then stated very calmly "You know they (his parents) waited a VERY long time for him and he is an only child.  I would think thats why he is spoiled not because he is adopted.  I don't see what that has to do with it."  I wanted to say "ARE YOU ******* KIDDING ME!??"  but I didn't.  I dont swear (at least not in public).  My SIL then said she knew of only children that were not spoiled- no one said anything further about adoption. (I wanted to counter that I knew kids that were adopted and not spoiled as well but didn't go there).

After the conversation was over I spent some time alone with the dog.  I didn't cry but I had to work hard to make sure that didn't happen.  I finally had DH take the dog outside and I followed him out to tell him a brief sample of the conversation.  I asked that he talk to his mother.

I do not think the issues have anything to do with his cousin being adopted.  IF however he is going through identity issues because of the adoption then I think its important that his family help him get help to figure it out.  If the issue is that he is studying something in school he isn't interested again I think its the families responsibility to help him figure it out.  IF the issue is that he is still living with his parents and is spoiled again its the families responsibility to help him by giving him expectations.  If its a combination of these factors again I think he needs help but gossiping in the kitchen on Christmas Eve is not a way to help.  At another point when I suggested that DH speak with his cousin about what he needs to do to become a police officer (since thats what DH is and his cousin wants to be) my MIL told me that DH should NOT do that because it could be "dangerous."  (not sure how?)

Initially I thought I was dreaming the association between our discussions about our adoption and DH's cousins poor behavior.  About a year ago I called DH's attention to my "paranoia"  and DH confirmed that it wasn't paranoia but it appeared to be a real pattern.  My dear MIL has gone too far and now solidified this association and it hurts.  It hurts my feelings but like I said to DH tonight its not my feelings I'm worried about its my child.  Children are not stupid.  If MIL expects our children to be ill-behaved and problematic because they are adopted they will know it.  I wont stand for it and I have no problem protecting my children from her if thats what it takes.

DH plans to talk about her association between his cousins ill behavior and adoption.  Hopefully she is receptive and can change her perspective.  I'm not holding my breath.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


I have a need for control and planning.  I plan and then I make plans for the plans.  I have a to do list on my phone that I can pull out when I have "down time."  Tomorrow I have a to do list for my trip home from work (banks, wine shop, fabric store- in that order), then I'll write my final report for my school contract, followed by making my last two presents,  laundry, packing, then bed.  Thursday at work is planned (but thats required), then I'll come home, pack up the car, drive to the in-laws, and go to bed.  I do not plan my vacations though- except to know when I'm leaving and when I'll be home.

Tonight I made a plan for our finances for my maternity leave.  I have unpaid leave and I will not take one day short of 12 weeks off.  I'll be OK picking up a shift if DH is on his "weekend" but I wont work other then that.  So I tallied all the bills except the mortgage to make sure DH's salary will cover them with money left over for incidentals like baby clothes, formula, etc.  I plan to have enough sick/vacation time saved up to have one full pay check which will cover one mortgage payment (its a constant ebb and flow but i've tried to keep it about 80 hours).  I have then delineated which accounts our other two months of the mortgage will come from.  At this point there is nothing left to do but I feel a little better now that I feel like there is a plan and thus control over something I have no control over.

This month I've spent a little more time organizing the nursery.  Now that my school contract is over I'll move all my pediatric equipment out of the office/nursery and into the basement.  Organization is just my other little way of forcing control in a situation I will never control.

Looking back at my blog from last December I spent time planning how I was going to breastfeed, and purchased a pump.  I was planning our bathroom renovation.  I also painted the nursery on New Years Eve.  This year again I feel like I'm caught up in planning/controlling/organizing.  I know I've blogged on this topic in October but just like our one year anniversary of waiting the month of holidays is another hard month.  I look forward to Christmas at my in-laws and my sister.  I know I'll shed tears, but I'm allowed that- we all are allowed tears.

I've tried to stop saying things like by next Christmas/Summer/Easter/Fall we will have a baby though I can't help but imagine next Christmas/Summer/Easter/Fall with a baby.  Both are poor approaches for my sanity because I hurt when they arrive with no baby, but it also hurts to think of them without our baby.  I read a blog tonight that talked about how it will be sad to still after infertility and waiting to not have the baby here yet and my inner dialog said "Christmas isn't here yet."  Its always possible but then there is probable.  To make it through my day to day I'm going to keep on planning/organizing/controlling, because thats what I do best when I'm out of control.

I Wish You Could Understand

Until you experience something personally you never fully understand.  I don't want people to understand what we are going through in a way because I'd never wish Infertility on someone else.  As to truly understand you have to live it.  I guess from my post on Sunday there also is evidence that you can live something and then deny the experience.

Last week I was discussing the protocol with my mother and how though I'd love to avoid taking the hormones I just couldn't do it the other way.  The risks of taking any medication should be weighed and I feel and my doctor feels I'm healthy enough to complete the regimen  (there is a risk of A-fib and increased blood pressure).  She told me she wasn't sure it was a good idea but also trusted my opinion and knew that I had researched the protocol.  At some point I snapped at her "You know you really are not in a place to give advice."  She asked what I meant by that and I told her that as someone that could just decide when she wanted her next baby and it happened she really couldn't speak to my situation.  She also could choose if she wanted to bottle/breast feed.

I received a card this weekend from her telling me that its true she doesn't understand and that she will try to be better at just listening.  I do value her opinion which is why I talk to her but as I get older I don't always want her advice sometimes I just want an ear to listen.  I do have the best Mom.

One of the reasons I think I write this blog is to have a place where I'm able to put forth my thoughts and receive no direction back.  Often when I talk to my husband/mother/friends I'm not looking for advice I'm looking for someone to understand.  To just hear me.

I think this journey has helped me become better at my job.  I've never broken my hip, I've never been fully dependent, or in fear of not being able to return home.  Sometimes not going home but moving to assisted living or a nursing home is the safest choice.  Having someone just listen about why you are scared is far more beneficial then someone laying out the facts as to why  you shouldn't go home.

Protocol is going well I'm less nauseated in the morning and its gone within an hour.  When the nausea waves over me I remind myself its just the medication, take a deep breath and try to ignore it.  In four days I've forgotten 1 pill which isn't bad.  I'm definitely seeing changes.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Oh boy

I promise not to blog on every day of the protocol... but this morning I felt like crap! I never have experienced morning sickness but if I were to imagine what it felt like... thats exactly how I'd describe it. I sat on the bathroom floor this morning trying to convince myself that I had no fever and I HAD to get up and go to work because otherwise I'd have to work Friday. Brushing my teeth, taking my AM pill, and even the thought of food brought the potential of hugging the toilet. We did go to a christmas party last night but I by no means drank enough to warent this morning. UGH!

We went to a party last night that I was looking forward to but dreading all at once. I love the host, her husband and daughter. I love our common friends... but there is one person in particular that just makes our situation challenging. There are two types of people - people who take challenges, over come them and realize where they came from; then there are those that over come challenges and think they are better then others because of where they are now. This woman is the latter. She struggled with infertility. She actually had a blog I followed for a while. We had a lot in common. Baby announcements, ultrasound pictures on facebook, an over abundance of baby pictures of facebook (who doesn't post picture of there kids but there is a limit), ect were things that hurt her. She is now all that and then some. She has never once said anything about our adoption to me... she has only thrust her baby at me and asked if I want to hold it. She also talks baby talk which drives me CRAZY! I also get the sense that because she chose infertility treatments she some how feels her path is "better." It makes me sad in part because I know where she came from. I know her lows and I'm happy for her highs, but I wish she was more cognizant of her past. Its a good reminder though that when our buba comes that I cannot be that woman.

I want to be the woman that can support other women through there infertility (and hopefully their births/babies). If adoption becomes the plan I hope I can remember this part of my journey as well. I hope that since our LLL has never supported and adoptive mother through inducing lactation that I can help women with that as well. I want my experience to be a story of hope, joy and love.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

protcol day 1

I started the med protocol today. Remembering pills 4xs a day is going to be my biggest challenge. Since I do not take any medication normally. The funny thing is part of my job is to make sure my patients remember to take their medications after they go home. So I'll be using a few of my strategies until I have it in my routine. I've stored a few in my purse so if I'm out and forgot I can take them. I also am going to have to take them each day at work. I'll keep you all posted on how its working.

As an aside we went Christmas shopping today. I had to keep myself from going baby shopping crazy. I can't wait to buy Christmas presents for my baby!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Can't Complain

The order for the medication has been placed to start creating it.  It should be complete by 4PM tomorrow and will cost $160 which is a 5 week supply of the medication.  Insurance does not cover the medication; however we have a health savings account I plan to use.  I could get it from a foreign country but that would be illegal.  She also put the prescription in for 20mg 4x daily after the first week but had verbally told me that she was thinking 10 would be sufficient given my small size.  After the first week I'll have to re-evaluate.  If the 10 is sufficient then the 5 week supply turns into 10 weeks which makes the protocol far more reasonable.

We have good insurance since my DH works for a municipality (funny thing is I work in health care and my insurance sucks)... but thats another blog.  We met our deductible this year because I participated in a medical research study on infertility so the many tests were submitted as paid to our insurance company.  So when I went to pick up the birth control medication for the protocol I didn't have to pay a dime.... on top of that my doctor ordered the medication as a 90day supply so I wont have to go back until March at which point our deductible will have reset and I'll have to pay again but in the grand scheme of things I'm lucky to have such great insurance.  Say I had a $15 copay on the medication that would have been an additional $60 for the protocol.

Its a blessing to have insurance we dont have to worry about.  Tonight I'm going in for an MRI of my back and because our deductible is met we wont pay a dime (now our deductible is high, but DH's employer pays towards the deductible).

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

If you dont have anything nice to say...

... dont say anything at all.

My moms version of that growing up was unless you are going to help fix the problem don't complain.  In our house you could gripe but you had to be able to fix it.  So I debate....

Am I griping for gripe sake or am I fixing it?

Problem 1- We can't grow a baby...
Solution: Adopt a baby...

but its complicated!!  With adoption there is the ethics of adoption (am I helping or hurting or both).  Is my agency really doing everything they say they are (for the birthparents, the baby, and us)?  Can I get people to understand and support us?  Will my child understand the decision we made and think it was right?  Will the birthmother after parental rights are terminated continue to think it was what was best for her?  At times I think adoption can be just as controversial as abortion and IVF but thats a different post.

Problem 2- I can't just start breast feeding
Solution: Medications...

but its complicated!!  The medications are hormones are hormones exactly what we are trying to avoid consuming in our food/drink?  Will there be long term consequences?  Will people think I'm trying to be like "other mothers"?  (on top of the fact that the doctor just finally called in the scripts so I wont get the medication for another week because the pharmacy has to make the medication- I still dont know how much its going to cost but I'm ready for a BIG #... I'm going to keep myself from going on a rant but really?!  Almost a week later and it only got done because I called!).

Problem 3- The protocol doesn't work if you dont have a due date
Solution: Formula or purchase breast milk from an unknown mom...

but its complicated!  Its recommended babies get colostrum (the first milk which in my case will have hormones) and be breast fed for the first 6 months (my milk wont come in for about a month).  Formula is an option but not my first- its never killed a baby it just is my preference not to use it.  The alternative means trusting another mother.  DH asked how I didn't know if the woman was inducing lactation as well... what medications is she taking... what is her diet like- again I'm putting my trust in another woman I have never met to help my "dream" of motherhood come true.  Maybe I'm just too much of a dreamer and need to settle?

Problem 4- I have no clue as to when baby will arrive
Solution: prepare...

Done that- I'm ready already!  The room looks like a nursery/office but I'm ready to take my stuff out whenever needed.

I feel like with every rant I go on I've at least explored my options... am working towards a solution but in none of these scenarios are the solutions ideal.  How often in life though is the solution truly perfect?  I know baby will arrive and I'll be faced with a new set of problems/solutions.

Thank you all for your kind words on my blog, by phone, or in person.  I wish it wasn't so but it's nice to know I have people who understand.

Monday, December 12, 2011

... and now I'm 30

I didn't sleep well last night.  I got an e-mail from the NE Milk Bank which informed me that as long as I had a prescription from a doctors I could order from them (good news right).  The area that I live in is very "pro" breastfeeding and if my pediatrician wasn't supportive I'd find one that was.  So here is the clincher- $4.50 PER OUNCE!!!  I think since we would have a prescription we could use our health savings account but assuming that a new born drinks 24 ounces of milk in a 24 hour period thats $108 per day, and $3240 per month!  So my plan is to breast feed but I have no idea how much I'll produce and since I had a breast reduction surgery about 10 years ago if they even "work."  The idea is that I'd hopefully only need one month but who knows.

I got an e-mail from Le Leche League as well yesterday which was semi positive.  She indicated she knew no one in the area that had induced lactation, and did not know anyone that had used any of the adaptive  breastfeeding techniques.  She did offer a 5 french gauge feeding tube that I could have which is a cheaper form of the at breast systems that you can purchase.  I had seen it during my research but was not sure of the gauge so that was helpful.  Essentially the feeding tube is a straw and each time they suck the milk is drawn into the tube.  She also invited me to the next group which since its during the work week in the middle of the day I don't know that I can go, on top of I dont know if I can watch a bunch of women breast feed.  She also said that she knew of women that shared milk informally but was unable to assist in establishing that connection.  Which I get.  

So I sobbed.  I think DH thought it was because of my impending birthday which I honestly think was a small part of it but really I just feel like the cards are stacked against us on top of I'm sick of waiting.  Anything we want or need that women who give birth just get naturally I have to fight for my baby to get or they just plain dont get.  Examples: biological baby insurance pays for all medical visits/ We have adoption fees LOTS of adoption fees; biological baby mothers can choose to breast feed/ I have to pay for medication out of pocket to induce lactation; biological mothers can choose to formula feed their babies/ I have no choice unless I want to pay 4.50 an OUNCE!; biological mothers (at my job) get paid maternity leave/I get unpaid maternity leave; biological mothers know their baby is theirs/I have to wait 21 days to make sure my baby stays; biological mothers get 9 mother to prepare/ I get an eternity.  Most of the above list really doesn't matter.  I want to be a parent, but I also like every mother want what is best for my baby and I strongly feel like breastfeeding is one of those things.  All I have to say is with all this effort I don't know how I'll handel the disappointment if this doesn't work.

So after I got all the crying out I googled "where to buy breast milk" guess what its legal!  For $1-2.50 an ounce you can buy breast milk from mothers who are over producing.  Will I do it?  I have no idea.  Honestly my plan is the day I get the phone call is to post on FB and ask people to ask people.  Am I crazy?  Yes probably but only crazy in a I want what is best for my baby sort of way.  So I didn't get to sleep until 11 PM so I was tired today.

That set me up for a bad day generally.  My work schedule was messed up (which it shouldn't have been because I posted my schedule last week Wednesday), I had to present to a bunch of med students (that literally were falling asleep), and then as I was about to leave the building I got a page (I was dumb and answered it) and it was someone asking me to come to the front office because the state wanted to ask me about a patient I had cared for.  Once I was home my day was much smoother but I've decided I will never work on my birthday ever again!! 

DH made me dinner, I took the dog for a walk, we watched Everything Must Go, I got my blender that I've been wanting forever, and I had cake.  So in the grand scheme of things 30 isn't bad.

Oh and I almost forgot to mention- I got my new drivers license.  When the lady asked me if I wanted a 2 or 4 year renewal I told her it depended on how good the picture was.  She promised 4 year quality and she delivered.  I am not ashamed to show my license anymore!!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Birthday Count Down

So unless I get a call in the next five and a half hours I will be older then thirty when I have our first child.  I know its silly and arbitrary but its what I've always expected.  If I could have had it my way I'd be working on baby #2 at this point.

I had a really nice birthday weekend with DH and friends celebrating the last of my twenties.  We went dancing Friday night and had dances with all my favorite dance partners (DH included).  Yesterday I went out to breakfast with a good friend.  Last night DH took me to a very nice restaurant.  When we got home I took a bath, listened to Frank Sinatra, and relaxed.

Tomorrow I will go to work then get my drivers license renewed (and get a new picture!!).  DH will make me a nice dinner, and hopefully my blender will come :)

I try to make myself feel better by saying all of these things would be hard to have done if we had a baby but honestly I'd give it all up in a heart beat.  When DH asks me what I want for Christmas I've told him I dont want anything because I dont want anything except a baby.  If he really insists on getting something- new siding on the house would be sufficient.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Breast Feeding Consult

I went to the OBGYN office for the first time in almost two years. The woman that I used to see no longer works in the practice so I was scheduled with someone new. It was strange to be back. The woman took me back skipping taking my weight and did a half hearted job at taking my blood pressure (lets just say I'm positive it wasn't accurate I work in health care but it was really just a formality). There is nothing like going into an OBGYN office to remind you of what never will happen for us. So she gave me the bathroom is here if you need it line (which she gave out of habit because women who are pregnant's bladders are always in need of a bathroom), she left the room, and I proceeded to burst into tears.

While we waited I convinced DH to talk about boy names w me. We had picked a boys name while we were on vacation in FL in April of 2009. Then about a year ago DH decided he didn't like it anymore and suggested a different name which I liked but didn't love. We couldn't agree on anything. I like names with optional nick names but have a formal full name i.e. Francis-Frank/Fran. DH seems to like names that are simple but you can't make into nick names or they are nick names in in of themselves i.e. he would pick Bob as a name rather then Robert. We just didn't agree, but it at least kept my mind busy and positive. **None of these names listed are options**

When the doctor finally came in she was helpful. I had all my questions answered and she seemed interested in helping us. She had the protocol in hand which I already had (You can find it here). She said she had used the protocol before however whenever she had done it she had used the short protocol and none of the women ever got a full supply.  She recommended using less of the domperidone since I am not a large person. She suggested that we use the New England Milk Bank for milk for our babies first month as we wont likely have warning before the baby comes. She also suggested looking around for someone locally that might be willing to help us with milk for the first month. So I will try to get a prescription for the milk bank from the pediatrician's office. I also will contact LeLeche League to figure out resources in our area.

Monday the medication should come in and then we find out how much this is going to cost. I have no idea if insurance will cover it but honestly I dont really care.

Part of the protocol requires me to start on birth control pills which I have not taken in almost three years now.  I think for DH starting back on BC is a reality check that adoption is our plan (I made him come with me and I'm glad I did).  We have unexplained infertility, when we give our "profiles" to a doctor each and every one has said that doesn't make sense you should be able to get pregnant (she even freakin said that today).  The thing is though there is "should" and then there is reality.  There is nothing more we could have done- we tried stressing/charting, we tried "relaxing," we tried medication, we tried not trying, we tried acupuncture, we tried everything.  Starting birthcontrol again though means we have 110% stopped trying.  It is that important to me to breastfeed.  Once our baby arrives I'll stop the birthcontrol to induce lactation and who knows maybe we will be "one of those couples" that everyone seems to know that once they adopt they get pregnant but i'm not holding my breath.

After the consult we went out to lunch.  We agreed on a boy's name and shook on it (I should write up a contract and have him sign it).  I also tried to get him to agree that I'd be willing to have baby #2 be a boy if he was willing to let me use the name I liked. That didn't work.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Immediate family responses to Adoption Friendly Language Letter

Roll Call:
DH's Father/Mother- Mother responded
DH's Brother/Sister In Law- no response
My Father/Mother- Mother responded
My Younger sister- responded (I actually read it to her prior to sending it out)
My Older sister/Brother-In-Law- no response.

I didn't really expect my older sister and her husband or my brother-in-law and his wife to respond. I don't think it was a negative reaction they just tend not to communicate very often. There also is a good chance my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have yet to read the e-mail but I could be wrong.

So the first response I got was from my sister. She even had indicated herself that she didn't know how to refer to adoption related topics and was part of the catalyst to get the letter written. Having her help edit the letter was helpful because I could have a perspective of someone that knew nothing. She e-mailed me a response ending with the affirmation that we are going to be great parents (I swear I wasn't fishing for complements by sending this letter but I think almost every response included this affirmation).

My Mother-In-Law was the second response to which she indicated that November was a special month because it was her birthday, her husbands birthday and her mothers birthday. She also indicated that she thought her mother (who passed about a year before I met DH) had a hand in our adoption. My personal reaction to the letter was that it was a bit self centered but honestly I dont really care as long as she got my message. This hopefully will give me a place to help reframe her language when she says things that are not adoption friendly. That was and is the objective of the letter- to create a framework to work from. I'm sure she is going to say things that will make me cringe again but now I can say to her "Why dont you just refer to the baby as a baby or your grandchild vs (insert what she said here)?"

My mother took a LONG time to respond (I just looked back- it took 2 days I guess it wasn't that long but it seemed like forever). She didn't say much it was brief but thanked us for putting the time into the letter and told us she is looking forward to being a grandparent. What I think was key though was that she responded to the family mailing group.

So When we finally talked about the letter (we talk every day and I dont think we talked about the e-mail for another few days) she said "thinking back I'm sure I've said some of those things but I just didn't know" I told her that I'm sure she had as well but I feel like I can TELL her when she says something that hurts (well most of the time).

She then went on to share my fathers reaction which was "when it comes to 'politically correct' terminology for things we are not familiar with we have to turn to those involved and go with what makes them comfortable." It made me wonder if one of my sisters had called or if my mother had challenged the language of the e-mail. Either way I think its true. Some of the language I'm not fully sold on and can be flexible with; however this language was created with all perspectives of the triad (birthparents, adoptees, adoptive parents) we all have to respect the language and try to do whats best/right for our families as well.

I think what is key is that the door is open for communication both ways. I now hopefully will feel comfortable educating my in-laws on adoption and they hopefully will feel comfortable coming to me when they are not sure how to address an issue. The letter provoked so much more anxiety then was required. I wish I had done it sooner.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Family Traditions

During the interview as part of our home study process the social worker asked "What are some of your families traditions growing up?" I couldn't think of anything. I was caught a little off guard. I think I told her we went to church Christmas Eve each year and couldn't come up with anything else.

Since blanking on this questions each time a family tradition occurs I think two things 1) I can't wait to share this with my child and 2) Why could I not come up with this when she asked me?!

Today is St. Nicks Day (not Christmas but the saints day for St. Nick). So last night we put out our shoes for St. Nick and when we woke up there were chocolates and nuts in our shoes. This was one of my favorite holidays growing up. Something about each person putting their shoe on their step and waking up with it over flowing with nuts, chocolates and either a kiwi or tangerine to top it off just made me happy. It also is a week after Thanksgiving, a week before my birthday, a little over two weeks before Christmas, which is then followed by New Years. It was also special because its part of my German heritage. I can't wait to share this tradition with my child. I've already started to think of some of the dilemmas. We live in an area thats predominately French not German there will not be other kids at school that have St. Nick come. We also dont have stairs for the shoes to sit on.

The other thing that I was thinking about is how funny it is that I still think of things I should have/could have said during our home study interviews. Thank goodness that process is behind us.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Loaded Question

So for the second time in two months my mother asked me “Are you happy?” Last time she asked me I responded by asking “what makes you think I'm not happy?” Which I don't think she expected and well the conversation faded away. I tried it again this month and well... she kept pushing.

So the answer to if I'm “Happy”?
Yes I'm happy with a great deal in my life. I'm comfortable, have a job, and have good health. I have ALL my basic needs met and then some. So as a surface question yes I'm happy. I do not go around Eyoring around. I have the opportunity to do things that I wouldn't be able to do- like yesterday I made a nice dinner with appetizers, salad, main course, and dessert for DH spur of the moment.

So here is where the question becomes loaded... and here is my answer.
Since our challenges with TTC began I do have a more cynical view of the world around me. I am always closer to tears then I've ever been. I told my mother that trying to have a baby for 2 years and 8 months is frustrating and upsetting. She responded "Oh I didn't realize that trying to have a baby still was something you thought about?" Which aggravated me. Trying applies to both conception as well as adoption... the end result in both is a baby! Her perspective of waiting is that its one that is passive (which in many ways it is) but for me its still a very active process as it affects me each and every day. She told me she wakes up every day wondering if "today is the day" while I wonder that when I feel like I can't wait another moment. It is what gives me hope knowing that it will happen. Its just frustrating not knowing when. So I'm happy but still wanting more.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

My Weekend (aka Saturday!)

I got up late and started my day with a walk with the dog to get coffee. I've started a load of laundry. I'm going to get my hair cut by the best hair dresser in New England. I'll come home, go grocery shopping, relax a little more. Make a nice dinner for DH and I to enjoy together. Snuggle with the dog since DH works at 3AM tomorrow (on the couch- shh... dont tell).

I love weekends without a plan.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Three generations of adoption respond

So I didn't write the letter to our family and friends to get a response but I'm sure people are wondering what types of responses we got. I'll devote a few posts to the topic one from people who have/were adopted, one for our immediate families, and one for general responses.

Prior to sending the e-mail out to all family/friends I sent out the letter to our aunts/uncles who grew their families with adoption. All but one of our family members that has children that joined their family through adoption responded (I think DH's aunt just has not checked her e-mail yet). All of them responded that they wished that had done something similar when their children were younger or while they were waiting.

We will be the third generation of parents to adopt. My Grandmothers brother and his wife on my fathers side had two girls, my Grandfathers sister and her husband on my mothers side had a boy and a girl, two uncles and their wives on my fathers side in total have two boys and three girls (both of these families also have biological children), and DH's aunt and her husband on his mothers side have a son. Each families mode of adoption was different (private domestic, international, foster care, orphanage, semi-open, and closed) but they have gone through what we are going through now. Granted things have changed drastically in the process from the responses we got I dont think much has changed unfortunately in peoples perception of adoption.

So you would think that since we are "third generation" we wouldn't need to send out this letter. One thing that makes us unique is we will be the first to hopefully have an open adoption. Also our parents were aunts/uncles/cousins and our siblings were cousins to the children that were adopted into our family giving them a layer of insulation from the process. I'm also sure when we got married this path was not what they envisioned when they thought of their grandchildren/nieces/nephews. They had to aclimate to the idea as we did. I think I'm fortunate to have the family that I do. I think they all want to do whats supportive and right, but clearly from the responses I have gotten past adoptive parents have felt like we do now- unsupported. I realize more and more that its likely because they dont know how not because they dont want to be supportive. We are the first "generation" to express our needs and I hope it makes a difference not just for DH and I but also for past and future generations of parents in our family.

Changing Table!!

Our changing table arrived.  I know I heard from a few different moms that a changing table is over rated and to use either a pack & play with a changing table on it, use a dresser, or skip it all together.  I plan to use cloth diapers so there just is so much stuff to store so I splurged and got a table.  I found a nice changing table that has six cubbies for baskets.  The top part can be removed later so that it can be used for toys when the baby is no longer a baby.  It matches the crib exceptionally well and DH diligently put it together the day it arrived.

(Thank you!!  I know you wanted to wait until your days off to put it together but I couldn't wait to see it!!)