Sunday, December 19, 2010


So I found an unused breast pump online and have started to pump. I have scrounged the net to find out how to induce a milk supply. I'm already at a loss since I had a breast reduction about 10 years ago. There is limited info on the net. My basic understanding is that I can routinely pump until we get a match. At that point I need to pump every 2-3 hrs. I REALLy want to breastfeed and I'm worried um going to be disappointed.

On a side note during my internet search I read a site which basically equated an adoptive mother breast feeding to child molestation because the child is not biological... I was surprised but I guess I now am better prepaired for ignorance.

Sunday, December 5, 2010


Our baby will only have one great grandparent which is my grandmother on my fathers side. When we first started ttc it was just prior to DH only surviving grandparent his grandfather was diagnosed w bone cancer. Unfortunately he passed quickly and never knew our good news. Tonight I was able to tell my grandmother we were waiting for a baby to adopt. She was happy and wished that it would happen quickly though due to her dementia she won't recall the next time I talk w her. Infact she asked me tonight if I already had any children. She always wanted greargrandchildren and never made this a secret it just makes me sad that she won't be able to enjoy her wish as she only lives in her present moment in her present truth.

Friday, December 3, 2010

life must go on

Another month is about to pass. Two months down who knows how many more to go, but life must go on. This month is a little easier. My menstrual cycle definitely brings up stronger emotions. Tuesday night I watched 16 & pregnant before going to sleep. I had a dream that night that I wad pregnant and had been for three months I felt really stupid because I had not realised I was. I then at some point realized that I had my period. My dream was vague as to if it was a miscarriage or just my period.

I was surprised thanksgiving wad much easier then I expected. Last year I cried because I wanted to be pregnant. This year I know I'm just waiting for my call. The day after thanksgiving my in-laws and D.H. went to a tag sale at the retirement center my mother-in-law works for. I initially did not see anything that caught my eye until D.H. and I sat in the balcony. I found our nursery rocking chair. Lucky for me its cover is ugly because it was over looked... w a little tlc ill have the chair that I'm going to rock my baby to sleep in.

Other life choices are challenging to make while life goes on. We NEED to remodel our bathroom as we have a mold problem. However in terrified to pay for the remodel since I'm worried that we will get a match but have to pass our baby acre because we we paid for the remodel. The other hand it doesn't make sense to put life on hold for something that could be years. I also would never bath my child in our current bathroom..... so life must go on until we get the gift we are waiting for.