Yesterday when I came into work my coworker told me she had a dream about me. When I pressed her she told me that it was about our baby. She told me that a baby named Bethany had been born, we had met her and she was our little girl! The strange thing is that we had a baby shower but Bethany's parents had changed their minds so at my baby shower there was no baby. A happy turn of events the birthparents had another change of heart and during the baby shower Bethany returned. I called her "Beth."
When she shared the dream with me I told her it was interesting that she would dream about our adoption because tomorrow would be one year of waiting. This coworker isn't one that has asked many questions except to ask if it would be OK to knit a blanket.
I don't talk about our infertility much on this page because that not what the blog is about. Not to say it doesn't make me sad. I would be fibbing if I said that I dont get angry especially when someone that is in ill health becomes pregnant. When she told me her dream I felt like the baby that was taken away was a baby that we could never create and the baby returned was our baby. No baby has ever been taken away from me. There never was a baby and we will never create a baby. Our baby will be placed in our arms by another woman who will trust us to parent her baby.
I looked back today on the blogs from last October. Two of them were posted on the 10th but the one about the home study was about October 7th the night of our home study and the night we were approved. Since our approval announcement to family, two birth announcements from my cousins have gone out; while we continue to wait.
A year ago I was glad that we finally were in a position to wait. I thought foolishly that the waiting would be the easy part. What could be harder then writing your parenting style and being fingerprinted (aka made to feel like a criminal)? At that time I felt like- at least we are waiting for something real versus the month after month cycle of failure. After a year of waiting I realize that at least when you are TTC (trying to conceive) there is something to do and you can work hard at failing. While we wait I have nothing to work hard at and I have no control. Many days I get by, by telling myself literally we could have a baby tomorrow or next week. It can't be much longer. What we do know is at some point we will have parenting sprung upon us with little to no warning.
No warning you say? Clearly we know it WILL happen but without the when its hard to psych yourself up to get things ready. I can't bring myself to read parenting books, or baby how to book's. I gave up on pumping for now because although those are things to do- there is no finish line. How many parenting books to I need to read to achieve the ability to parent? How much wasted milk to I have to produce to earn the right to feed a baby?
A year of waiting makes me wonder is our check list of "requirements" too picky? Is there something we said in our Dear Birthparents book that is causing us to be rejected? What about me is not good enough? I want numbers, statistics, facts. I want to know when or at least what we are doing wrong. The longer we wait the more I feel rejected. We know our book has been viewed but no one has picked us yet. I'm starting to feel like the last kid picked in gym class.
So I have gone back to why I started this blog in the first place. I started it to present our journey. To keep track of the hard parts knowing that when our baby arrives joy will melt our hearts and this struggle will be forgotten. It also has allowed me to connect with others and realize that my frustrations are not new- they are a shared experience called "waiting to adopt."
So my dream is as follows...
I get a phone call giving me the good news that a birthmom is due in one month. She has selected us and can't wait to meet us. I like every mother gets to share the exciting news with DH (as opposed to the other way around which only can happen with adoption). We create an open adoption plan for the birthday and for our baby's life. The birth is smooth for her and baby and we get to spend time together in the hospital. Baby comes home and becomes a toddler, who becomes a child, to a teen that like all children has his/her ups and downs. Our child will know about how they joined our family and why open adoption makes them special. I wish that s/he is strong willed (careful what you wish for-right), intelligent, self confident and always able to follow his/her dreams.