Tuesday, February 28, 2012

first taste of milk

I've been pumping every 3-4 hrs during the day and one time over night. I'm fuller in my breast. Last night I was getting tiny drops of clear fluid which I put on a nuk. Today I got a milky fluid which was enough for me to pour it from the pump into her mouth. She was startled by the fluid but once she tasted it she smiled.

Last night while doing kangaroo care (which I had not been able to do at the hospital) she latched on for about one breath, suck, swallow before she got mad because it wasn't what she expected. She slept 3 hrs past her feed time all snuggled and naked on my chest.

I weighed myself yesterday am and had lost 10lbs!! I focused on drinking lots of fluids which I had been unable to do in the Nicu as no beverages were allowed. Ive gained about 5 lbs back. I wonder if the backward slide in size was due to dehydration. I'm hopeful and will keep you all posted.


Just wanted to let everyone know we made it home late Sunday night. Everything is going well I'll post a more detailed post during a nap later this week.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

let the 48 hrs begin!

So just before 10pm tonight the stopped the medication order which means in one hour she will miss her first dose. She has to maintain without medication for 48 hrs which brings us to Saturday night. The don't do night discharges so she will be discharged Sunday. The agency here can't get anyone to the hospital until 2pm Sunday. The good is that if she gets a dose of the medication in the first 14 hrs it doesn't change the plan. The thing that sucks though is that we can't leave until 2 pm because of the agency, and we have a 7 hr drive ahead of us. I'm trying not to jump the gun too much. I don't know what the next 48 hrs will bring. I just want out w my baby healthy and happy w minimal delay... I realize that's too much to ask.

off medication?

I'm sitting at a train station 50 minutes before visiting hours start. Ever heard the expression worried sick? It can happen. My stomach is in a knot and I feel like my heart could beat out of my body. If she had a good night she is off the medication and we start the 48 hrs. Im so nervous. I want her off but in the same breath I'm worried that she won't react well. Yesterday she was so calm and peaceful. I hope she is ready to start her life outside the hospital.

As an aside both bparents came yesterday. I left after I said hello. Bdad was there for about an hour.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

tentative d/c date

We have a tentative d/c date of Sunday. I got the distinct impression from the agency here that she is not thrilled about Sunday but I could care less. The plan is to discontinue the medication tomorrow then she has to go 48 hrs w out medication. She is having a good day today so the plan stands as today.

Both the agency and hospital social workers had the nerve to ask if I was telling the bmom. I made it clear that it was their job. In part because I want the bmom to have the chance to express her desires for a goodbye as well as any other concerns. To top it off I'm sick of doing their job. This woman needs support and in less then a week I'm going to be gone.

Monday, February 20, 2012

so close while still so far

We have one week until the lawyer goes to court and files the tpr paperwork. Bdad didn't sign his form w a witness so his won't be filed but I don't think he knows this. In PA they still get another 30 days where they would have to prove they were under distress when they signed. Bdad wouldn't have to though because of the paperwork error. He has visited a total of three times. Once before we were in the picture and twice since we have arrived. We at least would have a strong case to be her foster parents if it were to come to that. He has not acted upon many of his plans (he said he was coming at least three times and never showed up).

Baby girl is still in the hospital. She has two more weans of her medication then has to be stable 48 hrs without the medication. The weans have been everyother day which means we possibly go home next weekend. I'm trying to keep a healthy balance between optimism and pessimism as I want her to be healthy and home but I don't want to be disappointed. I'm sad we missed her first month at home. I'm sad she has yet to meet any of.our family and friends. I'm sad she is in pain. I'm looking forward to being home.

Thursday, February 16, 2012


Some of you follow because I'm attempting to induce lactation. I had significant changes which required nursing bras. Since I'm.unable to breastfeed at the hospital I've continued the protocol. Since bmom still is making the medical decisions and how baby girl is fed is part of her medical treatment I would have to get permission from.the bmom. I don't think bmom would allow it and so I have not asked. Bmom did not breastfeed any of her children.

Since arriving the changes in my breasts have reversed themselves. I no longer need the nursing bras. I believe the stress of being in the NICU in combination w the bparent drama as caused this. The last two days I felt feverish and cramped. They grew in intensity and believed aunt flow was sion to arrive. I went for a walk after dinner since that sometimes helps my cramping I suddenly felt two gushes. I was blessed to have a walgreens right there so I got feminine products. GRAPHIC CONTENT.... Not only was there a large amount of blood but also a mass of tissue. I called the doctor who finally called me back. She indicated that when someone does not have there period for months that what I experienced can happen. I thought twice about posting this but the experience was traumatic for me. It also is a.side effect that I have not read about nor did my doctor tell me about it.

I am continuing the protocol and will attempt to pump once I'm.home. I'm not optimistic. Although this is important to me I've said from the start that all I can do is try. If I fail its not due to a lack of trying. I will be sad but there is nothing I can do. Baby girl is loved no less if I have to continue to give her formula.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

valentines day

Valentines Day marks our half wedding anniversary. We have been married 4.5 lovely years and I.honestly can say I love DH more today then the day we married. I always knew he would be an amazing Dad and he has proven me right. He has been there for baby girl and myself. Completing tasks at home on the evenings he works then driving 8 hrs to spend the weekends w us. He is w out doubt my other half. The half I don't know how I survived before I knew him. Baby girl is lucky to have him to call Dad.

Just before Valentines day last year we had to turn down a baby. Valentines day was so sad for me. This year wasn't perfect w her in the hospital, me here w her and DH at home... But as the picture frame I made her yesterday states- hope, trust, faith.... Ee will be home together next year.

Monday, February 13, 2012

I Can Touch Her but Can I Keep Her

Without divulging took much info bdad has started to waiver. He visited again and while w the nnurses said he wasn't certain. Here is the dilemma- there options are us or child protective services. It breaks my heart thinking of the alternative. For everyones sake I hope he comes to realize this. I realize w all open adoptions there are struggles but I have been uncomfortable w some of the situations baby girl has had to endure and I'm glad she will have no memory.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

the 7th came and went

Normally the 7th is a hard day for me each month for the past 16 months. I'm now in a new phase of counting. Counting the days until baby girl is better as well as counting to the tpr.

The interstate compact has been signed in both states as of yesterday. She must have known because she is making good progress on her medical status.

Bmom was supposed to visit tonight but didn't.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

we met birthdad

I met her Birthdad today. I get the distinct impression that he waited until my DH who is a police officer was out of town before he came. I feel like I've gotten myself in over my head and I just need out. I'm so glad baby girl is under the watchful eyes of amazing nurses while I toss and turn in bed at night.

While tossing and turning at night I've found a possible solution for discharge once the interstate compact is finalized (I've been told Thursday or Friday)

how long were your visits and the frequency?

Our birthmother has visited every other day for the past week. Yesterday she visited for 5 hours! Unfortunately she kept rousing the baby which then the nurses score her down and means she stays here longer. I asked when she would be back and she said she thought Wednesday. She couldn't give a time so I didn't bother to ask for how long. HELP I want an open adoption but being alone in an unfamiliar city her visits are stressing me out! Am I crazy to think she might be changing her mind? Should I try to transport her to our state? I also feel like I'm becoming the social worker this agency here does not provide. Mom really could use support but I don't have the energy to support her and the baby. I get the feeling she is ready for her to go... Maybe bm feels obligated to visit since she is still here (the bm has a great deal of work to do to take care of herself and her two other children)

Saturday, February 4, 2012


She is beautiful. Mother signed last week. Dad signed but it was not witnessed. All family are on board. We have met birthmom and grandma. We are supposed to meet dad today. She will be in the hospital one month to six weeks. Keep us in your prayers.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Its Official

We are headed to PA to meet our little girl!  I'll be writing a journal but not sure I'll blog to often while I'm down there- I'll have to see what my access to a computer is.  I hate to blog on my phone.  So you will all just have to wait for details.

So what we can tell you is little girl is 7lbs 3oz, 48cm- and a strong girl.  I love her already more then words can describe.  Now I get to meet her.

PS in real life if you know us- we still are not sharing beyond those of you that read the blog and immediate family.  Much Love!! :)

Love and Support

The past twenty four hours we have been overwhelmed by love and support.  My coworkers hunting me down and then as they stood by burst into tears when they gleaned what the conversation was about.

In trying to figure out what we were going to do for accommodations for up to sixty days my cousin offered her apartment which she does not use during the week.  She then called me back today to tell me she looked at her hotel points and had enough to cover up to five nights in a hotel in PA rather then using her apartment in NJ.

Our friends who when we asked them if they would take our dog for the week while DH is down there with us didn't hesitate.

The Hosts for Hospital program that called us back and are going to look for a long term place for me to stay while I'm there.  Rent free (they say nothing about but dont think I wont be giving a donation to the program- what a life saver for us!!!)

The pet groomer who moved the cats appt from Friday to this morning so our cat sitter doesn't have to deal w the hair.  The rehab clinic that I go to for PT that changed my appt time and made my back feel better before I get into a car for 7 hours.

My dear friend who has been the first to text me when I'm down was also the first to non-stop call me until she had the answers she was looking for.

Not to mention our families.  That can't wait to meet our little girl!

We feel loved.

Its Not Official

Today January 31st I was evaluating a patient before I left for home.  My pocket kept buzzing (I keep my cell phone w me at work).  I jokingly told the woman I had to finish and leave because I couldn't keep my husband waiting.  A coworker popped her head in a few minutes later and told me my husband was on the phone and needed to speak w me urgently and was on hold.  I knew- no one had to say anything.  I dont think I said good bye to the patient (truly not like me).

When I called the front desk it was busy.  So I called DH- I knew what the phone call was about.  All I heard was "This is it... There is a baby..... Philladelphia....alkja flaksj flas flkajs flaj sfd"  I started to cry then I have no idea what he said after that but I told him I needed to come home to talk with him.  I did not pass go, went to the office, clocked out, and left.  (I urgently told my boss on my way out that I needed her to make sure my computer synced and that there might be a baby and I might not be back.)  I now realize that I never finished the evaluation or the paperwork that goes along with it.

So there is a baby girl born 1/25/2011.  She is over all in good health but will need to be in the hospital for an unknown length of time.  We had a lot to mull over but our only hurdle we kept coming back to was- where are we going to stay while she is getting strong?  Once we decided we could figure that out- there was only one clear answer YES!!

I just finally ate dinner at 8:30 and we have been frantically talking with family.  We do have to wait for the birthmother to read our profile though both agencies felt comfortable that she will likely feel comfortable with us based on what she asked for.  She wants an open adoption!!  So tomorrow we wait for another phone call telling us if we can leave or not.  The plan is to go to NJ first, stay the night with my cousin, and then travel to PA on Thursday to meet our little girl we have waited so long for.  Your think that after waiting 15 months, 3 weeks and 4 days another two wouldnt be so bad- but I'm about to burst!

 I wish I could be there now comforting her- I do know that until I get there her birthmom is standing by giving her the love she needs to give her.  So many birthmom blogs I read say how much they wish they had taken more time w their baby and I'm glad the two of them will have that.

So now I have to get organized so I can leave the house-
-Laundry (include crib sheets)
-Review list in diaper bag
-OMG I know there are a million things I need to get done and I can't think of what they are
-Pets are already taken care of
-cancel appts (PT, Cat haircut)
-Pay Bills
-Get checks
-Transfer money
-Get LactAid
-vac house
-mop house
-clean off desk
-clean out car

So before I get all these things done- Yesterday morning I was snoozing my alarm as usual and having light dreams.  I visioned myself in the nursery, touched the crib, looked to the left and was startled because there was a baby in there- I jumped then I woke up.  I told DH yesterday and he blew me off- he thinks I'm being superstitious and that "I always think about babies" but I'm not so sure.  This little girl is meant to be.