Monday, April 19, 2010

The Application Stress

So when was the last time you contemplated your parents parenting style, described your family life growing up, or your physical description? I started the application in March and DH and I worked on it again this weekend. How detailed is too detailed are we hitting the points they are looking for? Do they think we are just telling them what they want or is this who we really are? As a tip, if you are filling out one of these applications- dont call your parents to ask about their parenting style because they dont know. I read it to them after and they both seemed to agree. The funny part is now we have to write our parenting plan.

Marriage weaknesses? I try not to dwell and can't think of many... maybe we spend too much time together? Maybe DH takes too good of care of me? What about the spat we had last night when he came home from work at 11PM and I'd was sound asleep when he turned the light on?

I have been very short with people since sitting down to work on the application Sunday morning with DH. I'd like to think it has more to do with the impending presentation at a national conference but if I'm honest I think it the pressure each of these questions come with. I can only be honest. Who does not present themselves in a positive light but who is good all the time? 23 pages of self reflection is a lot which does not include the 5 pages of type written answers we have started but not completed. Some pages are easier then others like the child support page since neither of us have child support i'm not worried about the impact of these pages.

We plan on getting finger printed this week which should be interesting. I think we can add this to the song "I'd Do Anything" (Oliver the musical) as DH is clearly not looking forward to this step as he is a police officer at a local municipality. I am to the point though that these are the steps that need to be taken and I'm willing to do anything it takes.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

How Frequently Baby's Come up...

It is amazing how frequently the topic of baby's come up. Some of it is really unexpected because there are a handful of people know we were TTC or know we are now TTA however others inadvertently make incentive comments. On Monday when a para at one of the schools I work at found out I was 28 and had no children told me my clock was ticking. I wanted to tell her "Actually my clock already stopped as did my husbands." Unfortunately the values of politeness my parents raise me with kept my tongue at bay. Some of it is misinformed like my co-worker that knew we were having trouble TTC apologized when I told her we had contacted Lund (the local adoption agency). I got teary not because I felt sorry that we could not conceive but because I've had baby's on my mind for 3 years at this point and we are not almost officially to the 1 year of TTC mark. Some of it is helpful and thoughtful. We talked to our Aunt this week as she has a son that was adopted at birth.

The conversation was very helpful. She told us about their home study (when the social worker comes in to check everything out), their adoption process, and things that have come up as her son has grown up. She made the home study process sound more manageable then I've anticipated it to be. They are not out to prevent you from having a child they just need to ensure a healthy home environment. She told us her one regret when she met her sons birth mom before he was born was she wishes she had taken a picture. She did say that her son at points in his life told her when he was upset that "He wishes he was with his real mom." She told me she responded by telling him that when he turned 18 that they would be happy to help him find his birth mom which is genesis because it instantly defuses the argument. She also talked a little about the Dear birth mom letter and how her birth mom picked her because they had talked about how they had been athletic and wanted her baby to go to an active home. I guess we can only be ourselves when we write our letter and we will see who picks us. She felt like she wasn't helpful but I'm glad we have her. I think this process is going to require aligning our selves with strong, positive people that will help us through the process.

I also contacted a local pediatrician to help us go through the drugs that we agree are "OK" for the birth mom to have exposed the baby to during the pregnancy. I was so angry the first time I opened the packet and read those questions. It took a few weeks but I am ready to complete that section of the paper work. I think it still disappoints me because not one of those things is "OK" for any baby to be exposed to, however its the reality of the situation. Many birth mom's don't know they are pregnant until weeks if not months after conception. I also have the right and the control to select that none are ok.... however I dont think thats realistic.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Trying to Adopt (TTA)

This blog is in part a response to the lack of quality information on the internet and in bookstores about adoption but also as a tribute to our future son/daughter. I am sad to miss the first kicks and hiccups inside. I'm not going to have the same pregnancy stories as my childs peers. Rather our journey will be one of paper work, and waiting. I will have years to bond while my childs biological mother will only have 9 months. This is a journey in which my life and the life of a women I don't know yet will intertwine forever over the love of a child.

Our journey to begin the adoption process is one that was expected yet unexpected. Dear husband (DH) and I had planned to have a child biologically and adopt and subsequent children. When medical complications put an end to our trying to conceive (TTC) I was happy to put an end to the monthly waiting only to be disappointed. I think I was most saddened by missing out on the first 9 months of my child's life. I was sad that I would never be able to commiserate with another women about the joys/burdens of pregnancy/child birth. I wont have stories for my child about how they somersaulted inside my tummy.

I also have come to the realization that DH is an equal player in our TTA. There will be no late night demands for ice cream. I can change the litter box now. We both will equally get a hand in painting/prepping a nursery. This is strikingly odd that I am concerned with this as I'm a self described feminist; however at the root of it there is a piece of my feminist self lost here. Pregnancy is the one thing women can do that men cannot no matter how hard they try. Although this fact still remains true in being unable to conceive, pregnancy is now something else I have in common with men.

Through this blog I hope to document the journey. I want to be able to share with other women my joys and sorrows through this process. I also want to be able to share with my child this journey as well. Although I wont have any funny stories about how they moved so much in my tummy that I thought they may crawl out I will have stories about our journey that will be relevant to their joining our family. I'll have stories about how hard we had to work to get them and I'm sure there will be funny stories during this process- I just can't imagine what they are- yet.