Monday, May 28, 2012


I finished our letters to her bmom and bdad.  I also put together a few pictures for D's Mom who visited us several times in the hospital.  It wasn't from a lack of trying that I didn't manage to get the letters done until the end of the month.  In part I struggle with what is important to them... what do they want to know about?  I also have decided to not write two different letters but rather write one letter and address one to D and one to J.  If they start to return communication I will address their specific questions but until then one letter is what I will do.  I often think about Baby Girl in her teenage/adult form asking why I wrote what I did, why I didn't write certain things, etc.  At this point its my letter FOR Baby Girl and that is what I think makes it hard.  What does Baby Girl want them to know- I dont know.  In the future I look forward to writing the letters with Baby Girl.

My mom met a family where she lives with children that are teenagers.  Their children have open adoptions and noted that they now only have communication with their childrens extended biological family.  I honestly see this happening for Baby Girl which is why I took the time to write a thank you card for the gifts that D's Mom gave Baby Girl as well as encouraging her to maintain contact.

As I got the letters ready to mail I debated if I would put D and J's addresses on their letters.  They know I have their addresses, however it seems strange to send the letters thru the agency when we have their contact information.  I have sent the letters thru the agency in a big part to show we are upholding our commitment to 4x year letters/pictures so if there ever were a question we would have the agency to support us.  I also feel like I'm not willing to share our address and its awkward to know theirs but not be willing to share ours.  So its almost like I'm pretending we don't know their address.  Is this silly?  I don't know.

So since I was at the computer with their addresses infront of me.  I typed them into google maps.  I learned a little more about D and J.  The style of homes their parents have (they both live with their parents).  How far apart they live.  What their neighborhoods are like.  How far D was having to travel to get to the hospital.  Its funny that a small bit of information can provide such insight and perspective.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Marathon Sunday

One year ago I ran a half marathon.  I blogged about splitting the marathon with DH and how I felt like the marathon was a perfect analogy for parenting though I had not achieved the status of Mom yet.  We both toyed with the idea of running the marathon (in full or splitting) again this year but never signed up.  By February we were glad we had not signed up because parenting and marathon training don't go well together, at least with a new born.  Watching the runners go by this morning made me long to be out on the road with them, which is ironic because I hate to run.  The tangible achievement of a finish line is so rewarding though.

So I looked back to read the post I had written just days after the marathon.  I laughed because our running styles seem to parallel our parenting style.  I'm rather go with the flow.  I dont force naps or a schedule it just happens just like the ups and downs the course.  DH has a desire for a schedule though Baby Girl does challenge his desire they keep a good routine together.  We often tag team tasks and there is no linear completing tasks just like tag teaming the 26.2 miles.

DH received his father day gift early which was a jogging stroller.  I think I'll take some time this week to give it a spin.  Next year she can cheer us from the sidelines as we trudge up hills thinking- What were we thinking?

Running and parenting really are parallels somehow the successes outweigh those moments where you think "Why did I do this?"

Friday, May 25, 2012

Some Things Never Change... but Life Goes On

This past weekend DH graduated with his Masters in Criminal Justice at Boston University. Its been a goal of his since we met and I'm so proud that he completed the program. It was so special to have Baby Girl at the graduation. She made the event a little more complicated (strollers, diapers, bottles, .......) but she also made his accomplishment all the more sweet. She was a VERY good baby for the many hours it took driving to Boston, the reception, the graduation, the trip back, etc. To have her there just felt perfect. DH actually graduated in December but the ceremony was last weekend. In December I was sad thinking that it took 18 months for him to complete the program and we didn't have a baby (essentially his program/approval all started around the same time). His completion was a reminder of how much time had elapsed and I still didn't have a baby to love. I realize her arrival sooner would have made his courses just a little harder but I know we could have done it. So to have her arrive with time to join us for his graduation was just perfect.

 DH's parents home is in NH not too far from Boston so we stayed with them. DH's mother does love baby girl. No doubt. She showers her with attention and gifts. Unfortunately though she can't shake the desire for a biological grand child. I was pleased that she wanted to know when we would reactivate our home study which says to me that she is more comfortable with adoption. THEN she asks me if I think the hormones I took for breast feeding would allow me to become pregnant. I want to SHOUT at her "REALLY LADY REALLY? Let me remind YOU that the ONLY test results that were potentially abnormal WERE YOUR SONS!!!!!!!! Remember the doctors think it was from an illness he had WHEN HE WAS A BABY!!!!!!" But I didn't. I do feel that she places the blame for us not being able to conceive on me. When the doctors suggested DH's childhood illness she did "research" and called us back to tell us it "wasn't possible." Well we dont know, we never will know the reason we can't conceive. But what is factual is we have been married five years this summer and never conceived. Between DH and I it doesn't matter because infertility affects a couple not an individual. To her it still matters and I let her bother me.  She also kept talking about our "mandatory" vacations to Philadelphia each year.  Really Lady?  *sigh*

 She also has told DH and me (on two different occasions) that her other son and daughter-in-law are trying. This is the reason we dont share so much with her. I have not mentioned anything to my SIL because she has not told me they are trying. Its private. It shouldn't be shared. Its just another reminder that my MIL just doesn't have boundaries and doesn't think!

 ...and I've been SO good about not venting about my MIL. Oh well.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

dear bmom

So may is when I told D is write next. I started the letter at the start of the month but have not finished it. I also have not sent prints. I have a road block and can't get myself to finish. I wish we had a response to the letter/pics we sent already. Thus weekend I've got to get it done & mailed. I think it helps I laid out months she can expect communication because it honestly feels like I just sent a package.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Mothers Day- A day for reflection

Today I was awoken by Baby Girl at a lovely 7AM.  I fed her while we sat on the front porch.  I watched the house across the street that was raided by DEA agents Friday- I think it was an early mothers day gift. Before Baby Girl arrived I worried about the house across the street.  Watching it sit empty brought a smile to my face knowing that our neighbors worked hard at making our neighborhood whole again.  I wont have to worry about her playing on the lawn.  Pushing the police to do something took on a whole new meaning once we were officially waiting.  I want the place where I raise my children to be safe, and I want the home we worked so hard to obtain so we could raise our children it it to be safe as well- now it will be :)

We also watched bikers ride up the street towards the Mothers Day ride to support the adoption agency we used.  The agency we used not only has an adoption program but it also has a program to support mothers who choose to parent.  There were many families at it was fun to watch.  Next year we will have to ride.  My thoughts drifted to D (baby girls Bmom) and how she was doing today.

While getting ready to go to breakfast and church DH gave me a small box with Pandora Charms.  One that said Mom and the other was just pretty.  This isn't my first mothers day gift as last year he gave me a forever rose.  Last year I was grateful for the gift and was glad he took the time to acknowledge the waiting process as a "pregnancy" but it didn't answer the question of when this baby would arrive.

We went to breakfast and was immediately wished a "Happy mother day."  It was nice to be acknowledged however I kept thinking back to where I was last year and the year before with my intense desire to be a mom and I wasn't.  I wasn't sad for my former self however appreciative of how much effort it took to get to be known as "Mom."

At church Baby Girl had her dedication.  In years past I've actually avoided church on Mothers Day because it is the dedication day for all babies born the prior year.  I had mixed feelings at church.  Part of me was so happy to have Baby Girl welcomed into our congregation but part of me felt worried that someone else maybe missing service that morning because its too painful to meet all the new babies.  I do think there is comfort to be at church on hard days and mothers day was one of those hard days for me.  Unfortunately I always skipped the service because of the ceremony that occurred.  

It surprised me that Baby Girl was the ONLY baby at the 11AM service!  She was perfect, didn't cry, drooled (and snapped her flower in half).  One thing I have noticed since the arrival of Baby Girl is a visibility at church.  I have attended our church since I arrived here from Wisconsin almost eight years ago now.  People are finally realizing I exist!  (I think this is a new blog post though).  A Dad from our Adoption Support Group was at church as well and I reintroduced myself (he didn't recognize us).  His little boy was a year old though we have seen them a few times from a distance this was our first time meeting their baby boy.

The rest of the day was quiet, we went to the dog park and had burgers for dinner.  The day was perfect and I was happy- from the moment I was woken up to the moment I put my head on the pillow.  There was just a little piece of me that remembered that sadness I had.  It didn't rule my day but it did nag.  I made a point to not post anything on facebook except to a friend who is experiencing infertility.  Getting a day called Mothers Day isn't for me just a day about celebrating what I have (a beautiful family) but remembering where I came from and how it has shaped the Mother I am becoming.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Blogging But Not Posting

I've continued to blog- quite a bit.  I have however not been posting that much.  Its been a struggle for me recently to post on my blog because I'm cautious of peoples reactions.  My feelings about D (baby girls Bmom) are still raw.  Open adoption is beautiful and its what I wished for, for my child.  Unfortunately D isn't healthy and continues to make poor choices that affect herself, her children, her family and now us.  Her family is worried that her behavior will cause the communication between us and them to cease.  I want Baby Girl to know her birth family though I struggle with wanting her to know her birthparents.  How can we tell Baby Girl that certain behavior is bad when her birthparents are doing those things?  We are then telling her, her birthparents are bad.  I don't think that its healthy and I dont want her to think that they are bad- its their choices that are bad.  This isn't the adoption story I want to read to her before she goes to bed, but its her adoption story and I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with it.

Infertility Awareness Week Reaction

I was pleasantly surprised by the reactions I got from people on FB as well as via private message and conversation.  I've learned that a friend of mine was conceived with donar sperm due to infertility struggles her parents had.  I learned a dear friend is presently struggling with infertility.  A few friends announced they had no idea that we struggled with infertility and thought we adopted because that was the plan (which it was- just excluding the infertility part).  I did expect at least one negative comment- but nothing- I took a big step and I think it was worth it.

Infertility is something that without I wouldnt have Baby Girl as my daughter.  Infertility was on my mind daily and some days hourly.  The pain it causes does not go away.  Like I said before.  The baby is not a fix.  We still have infertility.  Baby Girl has decreased the thoughts of infertility but I don't think they will ever go away.

This weekend was full of reminders of last year.  Last year we skipped the awards dinner at DH job because there had just been several births as well as expectant mothers.  I couldn't do it.  The night of we decided not to go.  Every Cinco De Meyo a friend of ours has a party- our mutual friend who struggled with infertility herself had just had her baby and both were at the party.  Since her pregnancy she suddenly forgot all those hurtful things women who have never experienced infertility do and it hurt twice as bad because I knew she had felt that same pain but chose to be oblivious to others feelings.  Then mothers day is a week away- a holiday I dreaded last year.  It makes me sad to think of how sad I was last year but with this sadness lifted I've been able to live again.

Saturday, May 5, 2012


Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God.
~~~Mary Manin Morrissey

My Aunt posted this quote on FB.  I think I could have used this while we waited.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Post Placement #2

Yesterday was post placement visit #2.  I had put the appointment in my calendar in Wisconsin so my phone "fixed" the time when we went home so it changed the time from 4:30 to 5:30.  So I got home from work yesterday got myself ready and thought I had some time when we got a call from the social worker confirming the time of the appointment.  It was already 4:30!  We told her we would be right down- I changed Baby Girl out of the outfit DH had put her in (which matched but wasn't the nicest outfit she has)- We still walked and I think we got there at about 4:50.

She wanted to know how Baby Girl was doing.  If the MD had any concerns at her last visit.  We had received a few blood tests back which were favorable which everyone is happy about.  She wanted to know what Baby Girls likes and dislikes were (what dislikes do babies have?)  She wanted to know if we had questions or concerns.  She is going to look into books to help us explain to Baby Girl her particular Adoption Story since its more complicated then her Bmom made a loving choice for her.  We also updated our agency on the information we got from the PA agency about Baby Girls Bmom (I've started a post though I'm struggling with writing it and may never post it).

Its already time to write Baby Girls birthparents their second letter.  The first one came so easily and the second one I'm struggling more with.  The first one was about settling in, her meeting family that loves her, and expression of our desires for contact both ways.  I wish we had gotten some sort of contact back as it might have guided me as to what D wants to know.

On a side note- Baby Girl met the Governor at an awards dinner for DH's work.  Politicians sure love a baby!!  We got a picture to remember the occasion with Baby Girl, myself and DH.  I still feel odd at times as a Mom and forget that not everyone knows nor do I need to explain the adoption.  I was holding Baby Girl when the Governor came over and was chatting.  DH came over when he saw the Governor chatting with us.  The Governor asked DH "Are you the other half to this baby?"  He said Yes without skipping a beat... She makes us whole for sure :)