Saturday, January 28, 2012

It Doesn't Seem Real

DH told me the other day when I asked him if he feels ready to be a Dad.  He shared with me that honestly the process doesn't seem real.  I agreed with him.  The only real tangible that I have is the nursery and even that seems odd.  Strange to have a couple, their dog, and cat living in a house with a nursery.  Each time I go in there I make physical contact with the crib as if touching it will make it feel real.  A real baby will sleep in the crib.  A real baby will rock in the rocking chair with me.  A real baby will use the diapers and ride in the car seat.

The nursery is an odd room at this point like a crossroads.  When you walk in to the left of the door is a crib and straight ahead is my desk and file cabinet.  Across the room from the crib is the changing table.  Across from my desk is the futon I bought when I first moved to New England and had my first place which is now piled high with baby stuff- car seat, tub, and parts to the changing table.  In the closet is the dresser that once was filled with my clothes and now holds the gifts we have received.  Hanging to the left are my dresses and to the right are baby outfits.

Its a room to hold my stuff and the baby stuff.  At this point its not really functional for anyone.  Its too full of things for me to productively work and its not space to care for a baby in.  I can't get myself to clear my desk away because it doesn't make sense at this point to cramp DH's office with my stuff as well as I feel like it is somehow less depressing to have the room still "function" as my office and a nursery.

I hope someday soon we will be thrust into parenthood.  Neither of us will be truly ready only because parents never are.  I have heard of friends telling me when they gave birth to their children it didn't seem real so I consider it natural that it wont feel real for us either.  No matter if it feels real or not the baby will cry, need to be fed, diapered, and loved- we are ready.

1 comment:

  1. Gosh, I totally am with you on this post. We had our nursery ready in January (wanted it to be done for the homestudy) and it wasn't filled with a baby until July. While seven months isn't nearly as long as your wait, I can vividly remember going in there, sitting in the rocking chair, and crying because it seemed like it would never happen.

    We didn't have any clothes, but we had started to get gifts and had started the collection of books.

    When we were in MI waiting to come hom, all I wanted to do was rock him in that rocking chair. I'll never forget how overwhelming it was to FINALLY hold my baby in my arms and rock him. I cried and cried and cried and had such a moment.

    You WILL have your moment too. Stay positive and know that you'll have a baby to rock in your own chair and you'll look down at that sweet face with tears in your eyes and you will marvel at how amazing it is to be a mom.

    It's so hard to be waiting for something that you've wanted more than anything, and be surrounded by a constant reminder of the absence.

    Thinking of you and sending you hugs and prayers!!