Since my post about sharing my blog with others I have added two friends to the one that already was reading the blog. I have looked back at a few random posts and I think over all I have been good at being general enough about specific conversations that no one person can determine who they are. When discussing family I often (unless positive) describe the person as a family member vs. identifying even which side of the family the are from. Everyone at some point has said something hurtful and most of the time it truly is a lack of understanding. No one can fully understand our situation. Friends that have tried medical interventions can understand the frustration of trying initially. I have found though that even those that tried so hard initially, now that they have a baby or are pregnant quickly forget.
Even other adoptive families I am able to share many "I get it's!" but each journey is so different. Some try medical interventions while others have not. Some have been trying for 7 years while others never tried at all. Each families extended family responds so differently resulting in different worries/concerns.
Part of me wants to share my blog with everyone just so people can kinda of understand; however I dont think I could be as honest as I am. I know at times I filter what I say even now with the few select people following the blog. I still think: what if a birthmom reads this and thinks I hate birthparents or what if my friends that I have shared with think I'm talking directly about them. I also at times edit my posts to sound more optimistic because I dont want people to think I'm depressed and unable to think of anything else. I know that I will be most honest with my blog if I keep it private to a degree though I wish I could be more open. I think some misunderstandings might be easier to deal with.
For example I had a friend (who reads the blog) tell me about another friend that was having a baby. When she was in the middle of the conversation she said "Oh no I wasn't going to tell you!" Do I wish it was me rather then her friend having a baby? Yes but people are still going to have babies no matter if we can create one or not. If other women couldn't create babies then I wouldn't be able to adopt one. It was the fact though that she realized that I might be sensitive to the conversation and acknowledged it. When I told her it was OK we moved on and finished the conversation. Like I have said before I'm not sure specifically what it is that sets me into a tail spin at times while at other times I can be rational. I can't expect my world to walk on egg shells around me but an acknowledgment like I got tonight was enough to make the conversation OK.
Also looking back on my blog I realize how negative I sound. Which is funny because although I wish this process would speed up as a general rule I'm not negative about the process. I think I use the blog to get things out that I would never in a million years let escape my mouth except maybe to tell DH. The songs of September did force me to write about some positives as well as be honest about what really makes me sad (and its not other women having babies). So as I try to boost myself up and prep myself for optimism I know for sure is that the first week in October will likely be rough for me as that is one year of waiting.