Sunday, December 4, 2011

Loaded Question

So for the second time in two months my mother asked me “Are you happy?” Last time she asked me I responded by asking “what makes you think I'm not happy?” Which I don't think she expected and well the conversation faded away. I tried it again this month and well... she kept pushing.

So the answer to if I'm “Happy”?
Yes I'm happy with a great deal in my life. I'm comfortable, have a job, and have good health. I have ALL my basic needs met and then some. So as a surface question yes I'm happy. I do not go around Eyoring around. I have the opportunity to do things that I wouldn't be able to do- like yesterday I made a nice dinner with appetizers, salad, main course, and dessert for DH spur of the moment.

So here is where the question becomes loaded... and here is my answer.
Since our challenges with TTC began I do have a more cynical view of the world around me. I am always closer to tears then I've ever been. I told my mother that trying to have a baby for 2 years and 8 months is frustrating and upsetting. She responded "Oh I didn't realize that trying to have a baby still was something you thought about?" Which aggravated me. Trying applies to both conception as well as adoption... the end result in both is a baby! Her perspective of waiting is that its one that is passive (which in many ways it is) but for me its still a very active process as it affects me each and every day. She told me she wakes up every day wondering if "today is the day" while I wonder that when I feel like I can't wait another moment. It is what gives me hope knowing that it will happen. Its just frustrating not knowing when. So I'm happy but still wanting more.

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