Monday, June 18, 2012

Sadness and Hope

You would think that this having a baby thing would suddenly rocket me into happy land.  Adoption is such an emotional roller coaster and I do feel so many more highs then lows at this point.  The lows still are not that far behind me.  Fathers Day a year ago is what I thought was a vivid memory.  I remember being in the car driving back from NH where my in-laws live but I couldn't remember why we were driving.  All I remember is feeling like I was going mad listening to the radio because EVERYTHING was about Fathers Day.  I remember vividly writing the post last Fathers Day so I looked back.  Turns out we were driving back from the wedding of DH's friends which took place in CT.  What I wasn't mistaken though was my sadness about the day and the radio that wouldn't let me go five miles without hearing about Fathers Day.  At the time I was starting to come to terms with the idea of not thinking "next ____ holiday we will be parents" but rather realizing that we didn't know when.

These past two weeks I've been told by a close friend as well as an acquaintance that they are experiencing infertility.  When both of them told me I cried for them.  Its hard for me to hear their stories without re-experiencing my journey.  I wish I could fix it or at least show them the out come; both of which I know are impossible.  One of them doesn't think adoption is the right path for her and her family.  The other was seeking my input on adoption.

Today I also learned that a fellow blogger had a failed adoption.  My heart broke instantly for her son.  I cried for her and her husband. I can only imagine their sorrow but I know she has a strong faith. I also know that she has a large heart and still feels compassion and respect for the potential birthmother.

I started this blog because I knew only one person who had recently experienced infertility and that person wasn't available to me.  Now that I"m on the other side- maybe my infertility was too painful for her?  Did I make her feel guilty that she had been able to pop some pills and get pregnant?  Did I remind her of the Christmas she had to give herself a peptalk in order to make it through the day?  I did feel resentment towards her for being unable to be sympathetic.  It hurt ten times more when she threw her baby at me and talked about how exhausted she was being a mom.  Maybe for her she had to pretend she didn't know about my experience because I was her ghost of Christmas past?

I now want to be the ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.  I want to be the hope for the people in my life that I encounter with infertility.  I refuse to be the friend that tells them what they should do.  Rather I want to be the friend that knows that there is no "correct" response.  I want to be the friend that people know they can call and I will not judge.  I will be the friend that realizes that sometimes a baby to snuggle is so needed while on other days its what hurts most.  I will be the friend that realizes that not all days are good days and somedays you just need someone to cry with.

The blogger who's adoption failed was a big inspiration in my increasing my blog posts.  She told me she was reading, and she shared she found my blog helpful.  As I have read her blog I've learned so much as well and gained so much insight into my own adoption journey.  I want her to know I don't know what its like, I can only imagine how hard it is, but her strength and passion makes me admire her.

Infertility is not a journey you start and then its over.  Infertility is a life long journey and we need to be there to give strength to those just starting as well as encouragement to those who have been on the road a long time and feel like they may fall.  Infertility is a burden but it has made me stronger, more compassionate and a better person.  By leaving those in its present grip behind I feel that I would be denying the sadness and pain.  Infertility is part of who I am and by acknowledging that; it makes me available to those who may need me.  By acknowledging infertility as part of who I am it also allows me to define its roll in my life.


  1. It's like you're inside my head. Seriously. While I've come a long way with my infertility, and I'm a mom to Gus, I STILL mourn the loss of my ability to procreate.

    I still cringe when I hear people talk about labor and delivery stories, when I hear comments like, "You only get one mom" or comments about "Mother's are special because you come from them." Our society is still VERY mother-centered and most assume that we are biologically connected only.

    Infertility is part of who I am as well. It's made me into the mother I am, and I think I love stronger, more firm because of it. I have friends who "were" infertile (not really-- they just took a bit to get pregnant) and EVERY SINGLE one of them has had babies.

    I am the last man standing. The last of my friends who still has not been able to get pregnant. And while I was there to support each and every one of them when they were "in my boat"... as soon as they got pregnant, it's like they instantly forgot about our boat ride together, and that I'm STILL on the boat. I most likely will never get off this boat... and as long as I can make it into a house boat, I'm okay with that.

    Adoption is hard. It's full of so much insecurity and fear. I think people who pursue adoption are special people. People will never know or understand how hard it can be to open yourself up like we have to and to share your heart.

    I read your blog faithfully. It's one of my most favorite. Keep posting. It makes me smile.

  2. How does Cat find the time to read our blogs and write such wonderful words? I just love her I tell ya!

    I am not sure if you are talking about me as the fellow blogger with the failed placement, but the stuff you said seems to match up.

    It is a struggle and the last two days have not been that good. It hurts so bad. I miss her so much. I'm not upset about J parenting, it's just that I miss our baby so very very much.

    The one thing I really have found to be the most true in all of this is- even though all of us in the "adoption/ infertility boat" can relate more than those who look at each other and get pregnant.... all of our stories are unique.

    We have difficult matches, failed placements, struggles and joys along the way but they are all for different reasons. I have really learned that there is no way of knowing or predicting how things might go. They can turn in an instant.

    Thank you!

  3. That's so true..."sometimes a baby to snuggle is so needed while on other days it's what hurts most".