You would think that this having a baby thing would suddenly rocket me into happy land. Adoption is such an emotional roller coaster and I do feel so many more highs then lows at this point. The lows still are not that far behind me. Fathers Day a year ago is what I thought was a vivid memory. I remember being in the car driving back from NH where my in-laws live but I couldn't remember why we were driving. All I remember is feeling like I was going mad listening to the radio because EVERYTHING was about Fathers Day. I remember vividly writing the post last Fathers Day so I looked back. Turns out we were driving back from the wedding of DH's friends which took place in CT. What I wasn't mistaken though was my sadness about the day and the radio that wouldn't let me go five miles without hearing about Fathers Day. At the time I was starting to come to terms with the idea of not thinking "next ____ holiday we will be parents" but rather realizing that we didn't know when.
These past two weeks I've been told by a close friend as well as an acquaintance that they are experiencing infertility. When both of them told me I cried for them. Its hard for me to hear their stories without re-experiencing my journey. I wish I could fix it or at least show them the out come; both of which I know are impossible. One of them doesn't think adoption is the right path for her and her family. The other was seeking my input on adoption.
Today I also learned that a fellow blogger had a failed adoption. My heart broke instantly for her son. I cried for her and her husband. I can only imagine their sorrow but I know she has a strong faith. I also know that she has a large heart and still feels compassion and respect for the potential birthmother.
I started this blog because I knew only one person who had recently experienced infertility and that person wasn't available to me. Now that I"m on the other side- maybe my infertility was too painful for her? Did I make her feel guilty that she had been able to pop some pills and get pregnant? Did I remind her of the Christmas she had to give herself a peptalk in order to make it through the day? I did feel resentment towards her for being unable to be sympathetic. It hurt ten times more when she threw her baby at me and talked about how exhausted she was being a mom. Maybe for her she had to pretend she didn't know about my experience because I was her ghost of Christmas past?
I now want to be the ghost of Christmas Yet To Come. I want to be the hope for the people in my life that I encounter with infertility. I refuse to be the friend that tells them what they should do. Rather I want to be the friend that knows that there is no "correct" response. I want to be the friend that people know they can call and I will not judge. I will be the friend that realizes that sometimes a baby to snuggle is so needed while on other days its what hurts most. I will be the friend that realizes that not all days are good days and somedays you just need someone to cry with.
The blogger who's adoption failed was a big inspiration in my increasing my blog posts. She told me she was reading, and she shared she found my blog helpful. As I have read her blog I've learned so much as well and gained so much insight into my own adoption journey. I want her to know I don't know what its like, I can only imagine how hard it is, but her strength and passion makes me admire her.
Infertility is not a journey you start and then its over. Infertility is a life long journey and we need to be there to give strength to those just starting as well as encouragement to those who have been on the road a long time and feel like they may fall. Infertility is a burden but it has made me stronger, more compassionate and a better person. By leaving those in its present grip behind I feel that I would be denying the sadness and pain. Infertility is part of who I am and by acknowledging that; it makes me available to those who may need me. By acknowledging infertility as part of who I am it also allows me to define its roll in my life.