A Reflection on February 2013

Written Feb 2013:
So a year has passed and I've spent a lot of time reflecting on February of last year.  So many of you posted kind comments encouraging me, and reminding me that in the future that painful time would be a memory.  It was hard to believe then that I might look back with some fondness of that month.

I found myself reliving the month day by day.  The anniversary of the day of the call I looked up at the clock at 3:30 ironically I was doing another evaluation but was confident that I wouldn't be called away this year.  The anniversary of the day we met her I worked that morning and that evening she melted down because of an ear infection that just wont go away.  Since my days were like clock work for a month its strange I remember the dates and sometimes the times things happened.  DH wanted to know how I knew we met Baby Girl at about 3:40.  I dont recall the clock but I do recall D having supposed to have met us at 3:30 and she wasn't there.  Debbie called D to find out if it was OK if we went in without her and she agreed.  When we went in Baby Girl was sleeping.  The nurse told us although it was a few minutes early we could wake her up to start to get her ready to eat.  Well the next feeding would have been at 4 which meant that normally a nurse wouldn't have allowed me to wake her up until 3:45.  My life for February was dictated by the times 10AM (unit opened), 12 (first feeding that I was there for), 4 (second feeding), 7:30 (unit closed for rounds and DH would expect a phone call), 8 (unit reopened and third and final feeding) and 9:40 (the time I had to leave to get to the train).  Among several other dates/events I also remembered the 13th of February she had her one and only fit where she cried for hours and I had to hand her over to the nurse because I needed to leave the room to cry.  I remembered the interstate compact date.  Things like the smell of PB&J will always be associated with Philadelphia.

Positives of February
- I realized what it is like to be stuck in the hospital.  Most people might not think of this as a positive but as someone that works in health care- I now understand my patients on a whole new level.
- I had Baby Girl to myself.  Yes there were nurses telling me what to do and the birthfamily visited but most days she was all mine to care for.
- I know how strong my girl is.  Her strong will still shines through and somedays I have to remind myself what a positive that fight she has in her is (the fight now is if the bib stays on during meals).
- I know how strong my marriage is.  I can't imagine anyone else by my side during that month.  Though he couldn't physically be there the whole month he kept me sane.  He listened to me and supported to me.
- Friends.  A friend of mine going thru her own struggle this February put it this way "I have friends like family" and I couldn't say it better.  I dont have a lot of family in the area but our friends stepped up- cooked for us, shopped for us, provided accommodations for us, and loved us.
- Birthfamily- As hard as it was emotionally to interact with them I am happy that they had the time with Baby Girl and that Baby Girl has pictures of her time with them.  I have tangible objects and stories I can share with Baby Girl.  I think our relationship started in a place where I had no power which often is not the case with adoptions and often something birthparents are resentful of (that adoptive parents hold the power).  Although I had some power (i.e. one day I told a doctor that he would NOT be giving her more medicine.  Legally I had no right to do so and he could have ignored me but D was impressed that I would have the guts to tell a doctor what he would/would not do).  That power was based on social standings and education- I had no fear of the doctor nor did I feel he was superior to me all I had to lose was him not listening to me.  D and J did hold a great deal of power and could have chosen to not allow me to visit, but that wasn't in Baby Girls best interest.  Being in a position of little power made me feel helpless but also shed light on D and J's perspective now.  I could choose to never allow them contact but thats not what is in Baby Girls best interest.  As her mom I have chosen to set limits but not unreasonable ones.  While we were in the hospital he would often say he would visit one day then not show and then randomly show up another day- which he had the right to.
-Faith in humanity.  There were so many things that happened that month that restored my faith in humanity.  Rita a woman I never met took me in for a month.  A bus driver identified my late night routine and rather than letting me walk alone in the dark three extra blocks started to drop me off at the end of my street.  A nurse that was concerned about my route home sat me down and taught me the train system and found a safer way home for me.  A smile from a stranger.  A package of food sent with DH from my aunt who was worried about my weight.  The housekeepers in the NICU that greeted me each morning and said good night to me each night.  The nurse that did Baby Girls laundry without asking (probably because she knew I would have said no).

Things I mourn
- I wish she had not been born sick.  It was temporary.  She developmentally is on target in all areas at or above her age.  She is vivacious and amazing but I still wish she had not had to endure the pain she suffered thru.  Most parents talk about being able to hear different cries and understanding them.  When she was first born the only cry I knew was a cry of pain.  When I was buzzed into the NICU if she was crying I could identify hers but it was always the same- painful.
- Being able to hold my baby while she slept.  Most of the nurses didn't like parents that held the baby while they slept.  A friend of mine recently was telling me how her little boy preferred to sleep being held and I felt a twinge of sadness.
- The week between her birthday and the day we met her I often thought about how last year she was alone.  After a month in the NICU I saw the nurses struggle to care for 3 babies at once.  Each nurse only has two hands and sometimes that meant that a baby cried alone.  D did visit that first week but only once a day and my guess only for the 4PM feeding.

Baby Girl and Her Family

There were three projects I wanted to finish before Baby Girl was one years old

1) Write her adoption story  (DONE :) )

2) Finish "On the Day You Were Born" book that D helped me fill in the blanks but I needed to creatively create pictures since I have no pictures from the day she was born.  (DONE :) )

3) Re-finish my baby quilt for her (umm... I need to buy a sewing machine)

So 2/3 isn't bad- right?

I had a hard time finding the words for her adoption story and wanted to share pieces of it that I thought might be helpful to others.  The goal of an adoption story book is to explain to your child their personal adoption story (Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born is great but its not Baby Girls Adoption story).  I wanted it to be truthful but also allow room for discussion.  I wanted the book to be interesting but not a fairy tail.  I think for me the hardest part was the first paragraph then after that it flowed.

I started the book by stating:

"No two families are alike.  Some families have a mom and dad, some have two dads while others might have one mom.  Baby Girl has a Birthmom D, a Birthfather J and a Mom and Dad."

I thought of the kids Baby Girl will ride the bus with in just a few years and chose those combinations (two dads, one mom, etc).  

I've read that sometimes children that are adopted are confused that if they didn't grow in their Mom then how did they get here so the next page I stated "No matter what the family looks like- all babies are born.  You were born Baby Girl (Birth Name); January 25, 2012 at 10:08AM; 7lbs 3 oz."  I then went on to share with her things D had shared w me about that day like "she was born smiling" and "it was cold but sunny that day."  Since I dont have any pictures of the day she was born I had taken a picture of the front of the hospital which I used on this page as well as the picture of the Reading Terminal in Phili at 9:59AM  (The NICU opened at 10AM each morning so I never was out on the street at 10:08!)

I then explained that when D and J found out about Baby Girl they knew that they couldn't take care of any baby at that time.  I then shared that once Baby Girl was born they asked the agency to look for a mom and dad for her.  This was a hard page for me to write since D had inquired about adoption prior but really didn't go forward with creating a plan.  I kept it simple and I will be able to share with her the expanded information once she is older and might wonder about why we didn't know about her for a week.  I also wanted to be sure that she knew that it wasn't just her they couldn't take care of- they were not in a position to take care of any baby.  I borrowed some of this language from the December issue of Adoptive Families Magazine article about talking about adoption with your children.

DH and I had fun reenacting "the call!"  We both had co-workers take pictures of us on the phone at work.  Since I couldn't conjure up tears instead I'm jumping in the picture.  I think its fitting for her Dad to have gotten the call and not me- since she is very much Daddy's Little Girl.

The book gave me a chance to put together the many pictures we have of Baby Girl and her birth family.  I'm sad to say there is only one picture of J and her.  He is holding her and all you can see are two of his fingers supporting her neck, his nose and mouth.  There is one other picture of him with DH.  Its funny that since putting together this book I've caught glimpses of his face in hers where before I see her birth siblings in her more then anyone.

Another hard page for me to write was about her hospitalization.  Its so raw for me still.  The thought of that hospital increases my respiratory rate and my breaths become shallow.  The smell of peanut butter still makes my stomach turn (I ate PB&J two times a day every day except when DH was there I ate it 1x a day).  I wanted to be truthful but I also wanted it to be a book that if someone other then the three of us were to pick it up I would be comfortable with it.  So I told her that "We wanted to take you right home but you were sick and needed medicine only nurses could give."  I told her about how I was there everyday and took care of her.  I also told her about how it meant that her birth family could visit and love her.  I told her how D and her mom were there the day we left and how she cried because she would miss her but also happy that she found us to be her parents.  I told her about her car ride home and her first night in her own crib.

I told her about the stream of visitors that came as well as the trips we took to introduce her.  I told her about the post placement visits and how the social worker wanted to know what she liked/didn't like.  I have a very sweet picture of the social worker and Baby Girl.

I shared with her that the social worker told the judge we would make perfect forever parents for her.  I then went on to tell her that "On August 29, 2012 Judge X had all three of us sign a piece of paper that promised we would love you forever and that your new name would be Baby Girl.  That was your adoption day."  Judge X has a very sweet certificate that she had the social worker, her self, the parents and child sign in addition to the adoption decree.  I told her about her party that day and the cherry tree we planted.  

I ended the book by stating "Families are made up of people who love each other and we love you very much."

When the book arrived I was so excited to read it with tears streaming down my face.  I'm still in awe that someone so small can have such an impact on me.  I left the book out on the dining room table.  When I got baby girl up in the morning the book caught her eye and she insistently pointed at the book.  We read it quickly since it was a day she had to be at daycare.  When we got home that night she again insisted on reading it.  She loves seeing the dog and cat, mom and dad, grandma and grandpa, oma and opa.  I hope that the book allows her to recognize her birth siblings and birth grandmother when we visit them later this winter.  I also hope that the book allows us to have conversations and answer her questions.  I hope the book helps her understand D and J and realize their love for her.  I hope the book helps her feel secure in her place in our hearts and that adoption is forever.

On The Day You were Born

I got it from my mother before baby girl was born.  I accepted the gift but reminded my mom that there was a strong chance I wouldn't be there on the day she was born or even know she was born the day she was born.  So I added it to the hospital bag thinking I might not get a chance to use it.  

So when the call came and baby girl was already 6 days old- I thought the book could be re-gifted.  As I looked thru it I began to wonder things about the day she was born.  I didn't know any of the answers- what was the weather like?  Who was there?  So I took it with me and decided to ask D.

The first day I was alone with Baby Girl D came to visit for an extended visit.  I blogged about it- It was HOURS long.  I was zapped emotionally.  I was stressed about being alone in a big city that I knew no one - not even my own daughter.  So that was the day D and I filled out the book.  I filled it out with her birth name as the name she was born.  D gave me information about the weather that day.  Who was there.  What she could see from her hospital room.  That Baby Girl slept her first night.  Her stats (weight, length, time- these are slightly different then the hospital record).

Just before I left PA I knew I wouldn't have pictures from the day she was born even though I asked D several times for the pictures.  I'd still love them but doubt D will ever get them to Baby Girl.  So I took the early train into the city and took pictures of the hospital, things around the hospital such as the LOVE statue that Phili is famous for, a clock at the train station, trees, and anything else I could think of possibly using for the book.

Baby Girl now has a book from D's own words about the day she was born.  There are a few pictures of her that I took after we arrived but most of them are creative ways of depicting the day she was born.    I dont know why I dragged my feet so long- maybe it was because I hoped I'd get those pictures from D, but now that I'm done with it I'm glad I didn't give it away.  I have a feeling this book will be special for Baby Girl.

The Quilt...

like I said- I need a sewing machine.  Maybe it can be my goal to have it done by the time she is two.

OH AND SHE IS WALKING!!!!  How my life has changed in less then a year?!

Blank

The Friday before Christmas we got her birth certificate!!!!  I was in a hurry that Friday getting last minute gifts (yeah I'm there with the husbands Christmas eve), going grocery shopping, getting the house perfect for the in-laws and running to the post office (did you know the post office is literally empty the Friday before Christmas and you can ship your Christmas cards out without waiting in line- and most arrived before Christmas!!  So I digress).  So before I ran out for my errands I grabbed the mail and threw it on the seat next to me in the car.  I noticed an envelope from our agency here at home but didn't think anything of it because we get mail from them with some frequency and didn't expect the birth certificate to come from them since all other court information had come directly to us.  So after a day of running around I opened the envelope to find Christmas had arrived early!!

I had seen her original birth certificate so I knew what Pennsylvanias format was going to look like but I was still shocked at how empty it was.  It made me sad- like so much was missing.  My personal birth certificate is full of gems of information- the address I was born at, my parents names, my parents ages, the states my parents were from, etc- I can look at it and I feel like I learn something about my start.  Her birth certificate is sterile- blank- gaps- sad.  Her date of birth is in January, it was filed in February, it was issued in December- blocks of time unaccounted for.  Her gender is listed followed by the time of her birth and the county is listed as her place of birth- real facts- unchangeable.  No hospital is listed.  Mothers maiden name is my own full name- who my birth certificate says I am.  Then a 1" gap.  Fathers Name- the name given to my husband the day he joined the world.  2.5" gap.  "This is to certify that this is a true copy of the record which is on file in the Pennsylvania Department of Health, in accordance with the Vital Statistics Law of 1953, as amended."  The signature of the registrar.  Period the end.

Her original birth certificate has gaps as well.  Fathers name is listed as "Information Not Recorded."  Though her Name is her birth first and middle name with her birthfathers last name.  Even her original birth certificate doesn't feel "right."  Though I realize her birth certificate does not make her "who she is."  It is still that first place we are recorded, defined, numbered.

The document never really was and never truly will be accurate.  Its filled with blanks that hopefully I can help her fill.  I am glad I have them both so she realizes she existed before December 2012.

Just A Piece of Paper

Who knew that one piece of paper could hold up so much.  I have gotten by my whole adult life with just one official copy of my birth certificate.  In fact my parents took so long in filing my birth certificate for my home birth that when I requested an additional copy so that I could apply for an updated passport the state of Wisconsin told me I could not obtain an official copy of my birth certificate a few years back.  In order to get an official copy I had to provide a baptism record (I was raised Quaker- no baptism), a birth certificate (haha funny), or hospital record (remember I was home birthed- so haha).  So you would think that I'd have some idea that this one piece of paper could hold up so much.

We finalized at the end of August but we STILL do not have an amended birth certificate.  So despite fighting to get a copy of her original piece of paper (aka birth certificate) we still cannot get her a new social security # (she has one- I just can't know it), we cannot get her a passport, we cannot open a bank account, and I just learned the other day we cannot get a life time hunting/finish license for our state.  I'm frustrated.

So our agency found out the week of Sandy that PA had changed their requirements and thus they had not sent all the required paper work for an amended birth certificate to be created.  So Sandy hit and Phili was busy with Sandy after math (I have sympathy and know the birth certificate is not #1 however the process started two months BEFORE Sandy).  So the courts are backed up in Phili and so now we wait.  It could be mid-January before we get a birth certificate (because they get 12 weeks to provide us with an amended birth certificate assuming the paper work is right this time).  

I've looked into ways to circumvent the need for a birth certificate for after all its just a piece of paper and when I get frustrated I usually crusade.  For the passport I'd need an affidavit from someone that can verify her birth along with a baptismal record (which we have but doesn't have a place of birth on it which the passport site indicates it needs) or birth certificate (haha).  So passport is a likely no- go.  Social Security # I maybe able to get as it states in "some cases" they will accept an official final adoption decree which DH is going to get three copies of tomorrow (we probably should have an official copy of that anyway).  Hunting/Fishing license there is no alternative.  Bank account I need the social security # to open an account.

The funny things is I have not fished since middle school and my husband has maybe purchased a fishing license twice in the past 8 years I've known him.  Its the hunting/fishing license that gets me the most (well maybe the passport and social security number and bank account bother me a lot too).  In our state once a child turns 1 the rate doubles from $150 to $300 for a life time license.  My DH is 4th generation born in the state we reside and it holds some clout.  My dear daughter wont get a birth certificate that honors her being 5th generation.  The hunting/fishing license is as close as she will ever get to being truly from this state (flat landers like myself will be outsiders no matter how long they live here).  Part of me wants to write the Fishing and Wildlife department with our story and I'm sure we can work something out; however it also means I have to reveal her adoption story to a stranger that has no right to her story.

So no trip to the zoo in Canada in our near future.  Possibly no life time/hunting fishing license for our little girl (she likely would only fish but who knows I dont want to hold her back).  We still cannot deposit her checks addressed to her from her baby showers.  

I just feel stuck- like I still not 100% her mom yet.  Just because of a stupid piece of paper.

Interview Project 2012

 When I found Open Adoption Bloggers it was a moment in my waiting process when I realized I wasn't the only one. I realized there were really others that existed in the triad. People who not only challenged the way I thought and helped me grow but also people there to make me realize that I wasn't the first one to have many of the feelings I had while I waited. Sure I read books as our agency required but many of them were written in the 80's and 90's. So while open adoptions continued to grow the knowledge in the books was stagnant.

 The Interview project is a project in which open adoption bloggers are randomly paired, get to know their partners blogs, then interview them. What I love most about this project is not only did I get to read an amazing (new to me) blog I also then was able to read the blogs she enjoyed. So without further ado I'd like to introduce Andy from Today Is The Day. Andy is an amazing Mom to a boy named Liam. Both Andy and Liam were adopted at birth. Andy has chronicled her parenting of Liam, her partnership with Hilary, the reunification with her birthmother Iris, as well as her (and Liams) relationship with food, their family traditions, their love for laughter, and my favorite posts those she calles "caught a moment."

********

Q:  You created a post Parenting Tips I'm Working On - What has changed most in your parenting style as Liam gets older?

A: One of the best parts of these interviews is that I get to revisit old posts that I haven’t read in a long time.  I wrote that post in 2008, 2 years before Liam was  diagnosed with ADHD and we started him on medication.  If only I knew then what I know now!  I think the thing that has changed the most is my understanding of ADHD and how it affects Liam. I still work on all the tips listed on that post, and probably struggle the most with yelling and being consistent.  Liam can push my every button (sometimes all at once).  The one thing I have tried hard to learn, is to let go of my expectations.  If he doesn’t want to go trick or treating for Hallowe’en, that’s okay.  It’s not about me and what I think he should do.

Q: You glanced at the topic of displaying birthfamily pictures and would love to hear more of your perspective on what/how much to share?  I thought your insight from the adoptee perspective was interesting as it made the keeping of pictures private made it seem like the topic of adoption was private.  How do you view balancing private vs. public information in relation to adoption?

A: I didn't have any pictures of my birth family until I was in reunion with my mother Iris when I was 30 years old.  Seeing her picture (and one of my older 1/2 sister) for the first time was an unbelievably hard moment, but also an amazing one.  It suddenly made this person that I had only ever imagined real. Pictures for me have always been important, a way to capture memories.  On the few times that I have met Iris in person, it was always important to take as many pictures as I could, because in the back of my mind I always worried that it would be the last time I saw her.  Having a picture of her and I together was priceless.

As I'm very open about my adoption, I don't hide it away. We have 2 walls of family pictures that line the staircase in our house and I have pictures of both Iris and my sister hanging among all my other family members.  I do think that if I were to hide those pictures, or not display them, that I would be conveying the idea that adoption was something to be hidden.  And it's not.

I wish that we had more pictures for Liam.  We have 1 or 2 of his Mom that she sent us early on, but that is all.  They hang among other family pictures in his bedroom, out and proud for anyone to see. 
By nature of blogging about family and adoption, I have made the choice to not keep very much private, though there are topics and stories that I would never include on the blog, Facebook or other public places.  Some of those stories are just too personal, or not mine to share.  My litmus test for what to include on the blog comes down to Mothers:  Would I be okay if either of my mothers, or if Liam's mother were to read what I wrote?  If so, then I continue on.

Q: You shared that an assignment for Liam prompted an opportunity for you and another parent to present on different types of families and how the teachers would adapt assignments to include all families.  What changes occurred as a result?  Do you speak with Liam's teachers at the start of the year about adoption?  Did your parents speak with your teachers?  (clearly not the bio teacher but he seemed unreasonable)    

A: Liam goes to a fairly small private school, so there isn’t a need to speak to teachers at the start of each year, as we have been there for 6 years now and everyone knows who we are and the fact that he was adopted.   I think the biggest changes that occurred at the school is that teachers are much more aware of the impact their assignments can have and they work hard to use more inclusive language. 

 I don’t know if my parents ever spoke to my teachers when I was in grade school – I’ll be sure to ask my Mom when I talk to her next.  However, I know that my adoption was not a secret, and something that I openly discussed with my school mates.  I also went to a small school, there was only 10 of us in my grade and we were together from Kindergarten to grade 8.  One of the boys in my class was also adopted, but he was much less vocal, almost to the point of being ashamed of it.  I got the sense that his parents did not want him to discuss it.  Ever.

Q: Traditions are a big theme in your blog.  Where do the traditions come from?  What is your favorite?

A: I do love a good tradition!  Most of our traditions come from my partner Hilary’s family, but some are ones that she and I have developed over the 19 years we have been together.  By and large my favorite tradition is Table Presents.  This one comes from Hilary’s family and has its roots in British tradition.  For Birthdays and Christmas (and some other holidays if we feel the need to spruce things up) everyone at the table gets a small, usually funny, gift to open before the meal is served.  Our friends and my side of the family have even now embraced this and we all have a lot of fun with it. Some of the best table presents over the years have included bacon mints, bacon peanut brittle and bacon mouth spray.  We have a thing for bacon!

Q: You mentioned that you only took a few weeks off when Liam was born.  In the US gay couples, men, and adoptive parents don't typically get paid time off because paid time off is paid by a companies short term disability policy.  Since I (and the other groups listed) never give birth thus never are "disabled" we don't get paid time off with our children.  How does this work in Canada?

A: Here in Canada maternity leave is 1 year, but that is technically broken down into 14 weeks of actual “maternity” leave (based on the woman giving birth and needing to recover) and the rest is listed as “parental” leave.  The parental portion can be taken by either parent or split between the 2 of them.  All of this leave time is paid by our employment insurance benefits and is available to anyone who has worked a minimum number of hours before they apply for it. Employers can choose to “top up” the amount a person is paid while they are off, but those employers are few and far between.  Adoptive parents qualify for the parental leave portion and can have it extended the additional 14 weeks to make up the full year to allow for bonding with the child.
At the time that we adopted, the laws had just changed recognizing same-sex couples as common-law couples, and another law changed allowing common-law couples to adopt.  So my partner Hilary was able to take paid parental leave when Liam came home.

Q: You posted a few times about starting but being unsuccessful at finding your birthfathers family.  Have you considered reopening that search?

A: I go back and forth on this one.  I have very little information, so knowing where to even start is hard.  If anyone knows a lesbian named Carol from Guelph, Ontario who would be in her 60’s, let me know.
And even though I don’t currently have any contact with Iris, my mother, I know that she absolutely does not want me to search for his family, and I don’t want to hurt her or cause her any distress.  From what I’ve gathered in tidbits since our reunion, Iris and my father’s wife were (are?) friends, so that could be pretty awkward.  Another factor is  that my siblings would all be in there 60s and 70s and  I’m not sure how they would handle finding a sibling now.  But then on the other hand, my siblings would all be in there 60s and 70s, which doesn’t leave me a whole lot of time left to try and find them.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Q: Silence has been the hardest part of our open/semi-open adoption thus far.  The not knowing if letters are arriving or if gifts we have sent to her siblings are being distributed.  How are you helping Liam deal with the silence and has it changed as he has gotten older?

A: This has been the hardest part of Liam’s adoption for me.  I so wanted him to have what I didn’t – a relationship with his first family while he was growing up, avoiding the emotional roller coaster of reunion later on.  For the most part Liam takes it in stride, having never known any different.  Since he is growing up as an only child, the idea that he has siblings close in age is probably the hardest part for him.  He would very much like to meet them and have them as part of his life.  When he does bring it up we explain as best we can, based on our own assumptions.  However, I’m sure there will come a time, as it does with many adoptees, that he will decide that he wants to search for them and we will do everything we can to help him with that journey.

Q: You posted about watching Say Yes to the Dress (which i can admit to watching- WHO has $10000 or even $1000 for a wedding dress? but I digress)  What is your current guilty pleasure?

A:  Ahhhh guilty pleasures.  Right now my guilty pleasure is having an hour to myself in the morning before everyone wakes up, so that I can play mindless computer games, otherwise known as Farmville on Facebook.    I know!  Serious time waster of no value what-so-ever, but hey, I enjoy it with my morning coffee.

********

 Thank you Andy for sharing your blog with all of us. I know you have stepped away from adoption blogging and stated it was because you felt that at times you felt you had nothing left to add. I really appreciate your perspective as both an adoptee and an adoptive mother. I hope one day my daughter can feel that I was as open with her as you have been with Liam.

Letters from PA

On Friday as the second repair man left the house there was a package. The package was from the agency in PA. I quickly opened it hoping it was from D. The package was from Ds mom! Though I wish it was from D telling us she would meet us in the spring I was happy to get a letter from her. She confirmed D is getting our letters and the gift we sent to baby girls birth brother was given to him. It makes me glad to know that D is at least getting the letters. I'm also happy that baby girl has gotten communication! Today I got home to learn Baby girls birth sister also sent a package! She told us she looked forward to our visit!!!! She also sent baby girl (and DH and I) shirts she had made up for the team she raised $2000 for autism research. She shared she changed her major from special Ed to psych! Such a smart beautiful girl! She told us they look at the shutterfly account! I've been discouraged because I have felt my letters go into a black hole. It made me feel like what's the point? Will baby girl ever get a letter from D or J I don't know but I do know that her family loves her and doesn't want the communication to stop. I also am hopeful for a visit to PA in the spring. Since we are going that far I'd like to go to DC and see the cherry trees bloom! Though you all would share in my excitement! Also I've signed up for the interview project so Ill be back in November :)

Thank You and Good-Bye

This journey has been long and I'm glad I had you all along for the ride.  Saying good-bye isn't as easy as I anticipated two years ago.  Most of you I have never met and likely never will.  I will miss you!  I started the blog initially to be able to remember the process.  I also blogged in hopes to help other families going thru the process.  Some that followed my blog are adoptive parents that had already achieved the title of "Mom" and validated my sadness/frustrations from the finish line.  Some joined me as they started the process. Some just stopped by to learn about lactation, dear birthparent letters, and adoption.  Some were personal friends that took the time to understand the process that we embarked on forever ago and I'll never be able to thank you for being gentile with my feelings.

I will miss writing the blog but I think its time for me to move on.  As many of you know personally blogging takes time- even a quick entry.  Some posts take weeks or months to edit before they are ready for the world to critique.  With baby girl here I don't want to miss a moment.  So it is time for me to say good-bye.

For our daughter
Thank you for coming into our lives.  You continue to amaze us each day.  I love getting to be your Mom.  Yesterday you had a spill and I grabbed you up and we snuggled.  I got a rare moment to rock you to sleep in my arms and we slept together on the sofa.  When you woke up I stroked your cheek and you smiled at me.  Its the simple things that make me so grateful to get the title of Mom.  As your Mom I promise to let you fall sometimes but I will always be there to comfort you.
I hope I can share this blog with you at some point.  I want you to know how much you were wanted.  I want you to know that I will always do my best to answer your questions and if I dont have an answer I will work with you to find that answer.  Your blue eyes come from your Mom-Mom, your strawberry blond hair from your birthmother, your complexion from your birthfather, and your infectious smile from your birth-sister.
I am not going to be perfect, but here is a secret: neither was my Mom.  I look forward to watching you grow into an amazing woman- and I will always love you.
I couldn't say it more perfectly then the song Make Me Feel My Love:
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.
 - Love Mom

DH Thank you for going on this journey with me. You are an amazing father and husband. Not all men are up for the challenge you took on. Our daughter will have a role model for the way men should act and treat the women in their lives. Thank you for taking my sadness seriously. Thank you for not treating me like I was crazy and realizing what I needed more were hugs. I look forward to spending a life time with you. -You wife and partner in parenthood

For those of you still waiting.
Each morning my alarm clock played "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and each morning I started a new reminding myself that some day I'd meet my baby.  I will not sugar coat it and say it was easy because a portion of the wait I was depressed.  I cried to and from work on numerous occasions.  I cried when a patient told me that I should "get married and have kids" in a bitter disgusted voice "because then I'd make someone else's life miserable" I sobbed.  For me it was easy to turn inward and away from those around me but I was fortunate to have a few amazing friends.  Take time to figure out which of your friends "get it."  As a general rule you have to "live it" to really "get it" but there are a few special friends who can never really understand but will be willing to listen- find them!  I had some dark days where I wasn't sure I'd be able to continue the process.  Confide in your partner- its hard sometimes to remember you both are on the same boat.
I also want to tell you that I fantasized about the day my child would be placed in my arms.  When I met her she was sleeping.  I never had her placed in my arms- I picked her up from a blue bouncy seat and we were tethered to the wall with heart monitors for a month.  I thought she was beautiful the moment I saw her but not a single tear dropped.  Continue to dream, continue to pray, continue to hope, but know that no matter how that baby ends up in your arms you will think they are beautiful and you will find yourself in love.  My last piece of unsolicited advice is try not to guard your heart too much.  Each states waiting period for the TPR to finalize is different for us it was a two month waiting period.  The wait for the TPR to finalize is a roller coaster but remind yourself that to adhear to the legal process means you can look your child in their eyes and say "Your Birthparents made a loving choice to put you first and made us your parents."   I did love her during that roller coaster but a small piece of me did hold back.  I didn't ever schedule a baby photo shoot.  I do regret that.
I continue to think of each of you.  I will continue to follow your blogs.  Just remember keep your faith-

So this is it...Thank you and Good bye!  I could not have made this journey without the blog and you all were part of made writing worth it.  I do plan from time to time to drop by and say hello.  Maybe once I finish Baby Girls Adoption Story I'll write up some sort of outline (without details).  I'd love to share the story of Baby Girls first visit back to PA.  So its not good-bye forever but allows for some closure as well as an opportunity to just focus on my most important job- Mom.  When I started blogging I knew I wanted to create some sort of finality to it.  So often blogs just stop or fade away.  I often wondered where the story went.  So this is our story- we fell in love, we got married, we TTC, we TTA, and now just shy of our 5 year anniversary I'm a Mom.  

Baby Girl is stirring from her nap....

Dear Birthparents D & J

During the waiting process I wanted so badly to have an open adoption.  I wanted birthparents that wanted to be a part of our childs life so that my child would have the ability to really fully understand who they are.  I wanted to be able to change peoples perceptions of birthparents as my own perceptions of birthparents had changed during our wait and then we met our daughters birthparents and my perceptions were reality.

The adoption world pushes us all to speak highly of birthparents and I do.  There is a push to change the perception of birthparents from uncaring soulless people who discard their children because they came at an inconvenient time.  I never thought this.  Now that I've met D and J I realize that during my wait I may have shifted too far the opposite direction waiting to meet these people who were so amazing and I was disappointed.  I realize that statistically my odds were good of meeting an amazing birthmother however like any group of people there will be an assortment of people.  I know that women over 21 are more likely to place their children for adoption and that held true for our birthparents both of them were in fact older then both DH and I.  Birthmothers likely have graduated high school or will go onto graduate high school.  My mother used to tell us to be careful of putting people on pedestals because they will always disappoint you as no one is perfect- I think I made this mistake.  I now have to come to terms with reality- with my childs real birthparents.  They cannot be nor will they ever be perfect and neither am I.

I want to have only good things to say and when I discuss Baby Girls adoption I do make people use positive adoption language.  I am the first to stand up for D and J and do not allow anyone to speak negatively about them.  I stress D and J had a choice and it was the most loving thing they could do for Baby Girl and that D is one of the strongest woman I know because that is true.  I never go beyond that because there is not much more positive to say.  It hurts because I wanted something more for Baby Girl.  I can't change D and J.  I can only come to terms with who they are and in time help Baby Girl understand her story.

Baby Girl is blessed with an amazing extended birth family and I have every intention of giving her that biological connection that I believe that every adopted child has a right to.  I wish that D and J were in a place in their lives to give her that connection themselves.  I morn that loss for her.  I worked hard at obtaining a copy for Baby Girls original birth certificate even though PA does not allow for the adopted child to have one.  I'm glad I did because what I had been told was on there was not accurate.  Baby girl now has proof of where she started and who she is.  Her original initials were KMF and I had been lead to believe she was KML.  She now is LMF.  Again an original birth certificate is a right that every adopted child should have, I wish it wasn't a copy but its the best I could do until the laws change.

I think this letter was the most therapeutic thing I've done.  I feel like a weight was lifted.  From the start  I've said I love D and J just not their actions/choices, I now feel like I actually can believe that statement.  I feel like being honest in this letter has allowed me to break away from the facade that all birthparents deserve to be placed on a pedestal.  In our case we cannot- if we said otherwise we would not be truthful.  In so many cases birthparents are amazingly selfless women and men that make a decision placing their child first and their own pain second.  For our second child I have every intention of seeking out birthparents that can participate fully in an open adoption and D and J have not changed my opinion of birthparents as a collective group.  There is a lifetime for D and J to change, but for now I need to place my anger away and accept the fact that I love the two of them for out of all their poor choices making one amazingly selfless choice to give Baby Girl the life she deserves.  Yes I said it; not a popular statement in the adoption world but so very true in her case and this belief is shared not only by myself but her birth-grandmother and birth-sister.  Its not popular because it implies that the birthmother couldn't parent had she wanted to and in our case that is a true statement.  In many cases a birthmother could parent though it would mean possibly a single parent, or less resources for their other children; but one resource that never would be less would be love.  In our case the state determined that if D did not move forward with an adoption plan Baby Girl would have entered the foster care system with likely the same outcome- adoption.

I avoided this topic for a long time on my blog but felt I couldnt end my blog until I addressed it.  My guess is that it wont be a popular post.  I will likely get flack for bing "anti-birthparent."  I hope all that read this can realize that this is not anti-birthparent or even anti-D and J.  Its the sad reality of this particular adoption story.  If you cannot understand that distinction I ask now that you stop reading.

Dear D and J

I have a great deal I want to tell you.  Some of it I've said before and plan to continue to say.  Some of it I plan to write here and try to let it go.  Adoption isn't easy for any of the members of the triad.  There are moments we all wish I'm sure to not be a part of this triad, but we have been brought together.  As the adults in this triad we have important responsibilities to put our daughter first.  When I use "our daughter" in this letter I am referring to myself, DH, you D and J.  We plan to refer to you two as D and J as well as Birthmom and Birthdad in our home but we are comfortable in knowing that you refer to Baby Girl as your daughter and more affectionately "Baby Girl" which is how I came to call her Baby Girl on my blog.  I know D that you asked me to refer to you as Mom, but I do not think that it is a healthy choice for our daughter but when I use your name as well as Birthmom I promise to always use it as a loving title.

So to start I want to thank you for searching your hearts and making the decision that was best for your daughter.  D your strength amazes me in standing so firm in your decision.  I know on more then one occasion you told me it was a hard choice but a choice you wouldn't change because you wanted what was best for our daughter.  I know you cried a great deal because you confided in me and it always broke my heart.  You are a caring woman that loves your children but you were just as ill as our daughter.  I also know that it pained you to see your daughter cry and hurt in the NICU.  I am sure coming as often as you did was painful and hard but really what was best for our daughter.  Our daughter will always know that you visited her routinely and love to feed and change her.  You were always so gentile with her and gave me so much advice on how to care for our daughter.  Some of the stories you told me about your life were hard to hear but help me explain to our daughter how it came to be that the five of us met.  The day we walked away from you hugging your Mom and crying is an imagine I will always remember how you were able to stand and not crumple to the floor demonstrates your courage and strength.  

J I want to tell you that I am working hard in forgiving you for the emotional storm you caused during each of your visits.  I know deep down that your visits were for your daughter and were not intended to cause me pain.  Your manipulative behavior was not a personal attack but rather a reaction to a situation in which you had no control.  The way you looked at our daughter reminds me that you do love her and you wished with all your heart lifes circumstances were different.  I wish you had been able to visit more often and come to terms with your decision before our daughter left PA.  As much as I dreaded your last visit I wish that you had come to say good-bye like you said you would.  I realize that although you are an adult you still have so much growing up to do.  I hope for you that this experience made you realize how much more to life there is and that it will result in positive change for you.

D and J I plan to work hard at forgiving you for not taking care of our daughter while she was in the womb which is a large part of why I cannot refer to the two of you as Mom and Dad.  D I plan to work hard at forgiving you for denying her existence in your womb for so long.  The role of Mom and Dad means sacrificing your own needs/wants for what is best for your child.  I plan to work hard at forgiving you J for using our daughter as a pawn in your threats.  J I plan to work at letting go of my resentment for your attempts to take advantage of our intense desires to be parents to make personal gains.  I plan on working hard at forgiving you J for not supporting D.    J I know we all want to present ourselves in the most positive light but I wasn't born yesterday.  I plan to work hard at forgiving you for making it seem like D was the only one struggling with demons.  I plan to work hard at forgiving you both for putting me in the middle of your relationship struggles.  I plan on finding it in my heart to let it all go.  I will not forget these things but its not healthy for me and its not healthy for our daughter for me to continue to be angry.  Our daughter will in time know this unfortunate part of her story, but I will share it as she is old enough to process the information.  I will do my best to always present the facts fairly including helping her understand the struggles the two of you endured that lead you to the place you were seven months ago. With the internet at her fingertips I may need to share with her more then I'd like sooner then I'd like as she will likely figured out Google and the results will tell her more then I may want her to know.  She will also know that you did have a choices and you chose to keep her from a system that would have been extremely painful for her and are so grateful.

To both of you I hope you can take time to heal your selves.  The choices you make do not just impact you but also all of those that love you.  Included in those you hurt are your children, your parents, siblings, and now us.  Both of you have loving families that over and over reach out to try to help you heal from damage done when you were much younger.  You continue to reject those offers and it makes us all sad.  I know you have the strength to do it however you have been on this road so long I don't know that it will ever happen and in part of forgiving you is understanding that you will most likely not change.  D I think a great deal of your ability to admit your weaknesses the next step is to just take the help!

Our daughter is changing each day.  She is so smart, vivacious and amazing.  I see your faces in her face.  I see her birthsiblings smiles on her face.  She has hit every mile stone early- rolling, sitting, crawling, pulling herself up, and now taking steps when we hold her up.  She loves to clap and get those around her to smile.  She is the sunshine in our days.  She knows about you both and we always start her birthstory talking about her Birthmom D and Birthdad J.  She knows that you made a hard decision because you were not well enough to care for her.  She knows that the two of you picked us as her Mom and Dad and our job is to keep her safe and love her for always.

I hope that she is able to continue to visit each year and get letters from you letting her know how much you love her.  Our daughter is what comes first though.  I will not continue visits if you cannot come to those visits in a state that is healthy.  I will not allow you to hurt our daughter over and over- the potential damage you have already caused is enough.  She is a very sensitive and smart girl and will pick up if things are not right.  

Adoption is beautiful.  Adoption is what made our daughter, DH and I a family.  Adoption is a loss of ones birthparents and a gaining of adoptive parents.  In many cases an open adoption allows for a continued connection to help explain that initial loss.  I hope you two can heal for our daughter so she can receive hugs from you each year.  So far we have heard nothing and that tells me that soon I will have to morn and then forgive you for breaching your end of the contract.  Please prove me wrong.  So often adoptive parents are vilified for closing adoptions.  Remember you asked for visits, you agreed to send us letters.  Our relationship is not about you D, you J or even DH and I.  This relationship is singularly about Baby Girl and what is best for her.

I will continue to work to free my heart of anger.  I am not perfect.  Just as I ask of you to do your best I will try the same.  I hope you two can work to free your selves of your own monsters.  Know you are loved by one special little girl- please do not hurt her.

In peace,
M

Finalization

August 29, 2012

The process started two years and four months ago and today the adoption process is over.  Although the process is over; adoption is forever part of our lives.  The application process was our conception, the waiting was our pregnancy and now we completed seven months of labor we are legally considered Mom and Dad.

I've read blogs that ask when did you start to feel like a "mom" and I've read more then once it was when they child called them "mama" for the first time.  I distinctly recall in the hospital a moment seven months ago the first full day I was alone with Baby Girl at the hospital.  I got this intense feeling of needing to protect her.  Many days in the hospital I felt like I had no control.  Doctors and nurses were making decisions, D was not being consulted, and I wasn't able to.  My child was part of a "system" that unfortunately most children go thru alone.  Although I'd never wish to relive that month in PA I know it made me feel like a mom.  Since no one was making decisions I started to advocate for what I thought was right for my daughter.  Legally they could have chosen to disregard my advocacy but I'm firm in believing that the love I gave her as well as the advocacy that I provided she came home to us sooner. Both D and J had signed their termination of parent rights paperwork prior to our arrival but since Baby Girl was still at the same hospital that D gave birth she was under D's original admission.  Many of the babies in the NICU were from different hospitals and had that been the case D would have had no rights.  Had baby girl been discharged and then the problem was identified and she was re-admitted again D would have had no rights.  It was this loop hole that meant that a woman struggling to just care for herself, who already had determined that she was not going to parent was still the legal decision maker.  It still makes me upset to think back to the legal limbo we were in.  I understand the need for a "system" as there needs to be rules; but at the same time children like mine suffer the consequences of a system that sometimes neglects these precious beings when those involved choose to stick to the rules with no regard to the situation.

This morning while we listened to our daughter babble in the crib happily DH asked me if seven months ago I thought we would arrive at this day.  I told him I did most days.  Baby Girls Birthfather at times chose to drift in and out of the picture and wavered in his decision depending on the moment.  I felt confident in D's decision and knew if she allowed us to leave PA we would be able to get to this day.

As we drove to court this morning I was nervous.  I'm not exactly sure why.  My nerves were quickly masked by panic as we realized that we went to family court as we had been instructed and the finalization was at probate court.  The woman who was trying to find our court room at family court was confused "You are here for a divorce?"  NO!  She finally figured out we were in the wrong building.  We quickly walked the six blocks with Baby Girl and myself in the lead.  We had eight people in tow as we made the five block walk (with five minutes to spare).  My rational was if Baby Girl and I made it- I'd just have to be a single mother but there was going to be nothing to stop me from getting there on time.

Lucky for us the paper work had an error which they were correcting so they were a few minutes behind.  The proceeding was fun with a total of 14 people in attendance.  The judge had music on when we arrived and sat across the table from us.  She had us sign an unofficial adoption certificate which Baby Girl signed as well and then a legal version (that Baby Girl did not sign).  We took lots of pictures with the judge and family.  We went home and had brunch.

After all our friends and family left we planted a cherry tree.  We had been planning for a few years to plant a fruit tree for our five year anniversary since that is the year you give wood as a gift.  The tree is now a shared gift- an anniversary/finalization tree, but I suspect we will call it Baby Girls Tree forever.

Its a relief to finally have the process over.  I have noticed though that I've been in hyper "fight" mode for a while.  I was on guard while we were TTC and not successful, I was on guard about adoption and our wait, I've been on guard regarding baby girls health at the start of her life.  This whole process is one that is unfamiliar to most and when someone is ignorant (willfully or otherwise) they often say things that are insensitive.  I put my guard up and disclose so little that I think my overall demeanor comes across as negative.  The process was long, it was heart wrenching, part of me wants to say I'd do it again knowing I'd get Baby Girl but the other part knows how wounding this process can be.  A friend at the brunch asked me  how it felt to have it be done.  I told her relieved but that paper work starts again if we want a sibling for baby girl.  I'd like to think that I could "just be happy" but adoption still for me is in part a reminder of our infertility and just how unfair life is.  Adoption also is a reminder of what an unfair start baby girl got- unfair that baby girl couldn't have been born healthy, and unfair that her birthparents couldn't parent.  So yes I'm relieved that this process is over but the process is not exactly like a pregnancy where you give birth and you are happy.  There are many sorrows as well.  Baby Girl lights up our lives and I can't imagine life without her and she was worth every moment of fight.  Now I have to remember to take on her joyful perspective of life.


*************
My plan is to write two more blog posts
1) Dear Birthparents
2) Thank you and good-bye

Eve of finalization

I've been crazy busy w work and getting baby girl ready for her first day of daycare.  This morning I dropped baby girl off for her first full day of daycare.  I cried from the coffee shop to the center but was ok once I got her out of the car.  She was really happy this morning which is her usual disposition.  I set her down and she instantly was engaged in playing w a purple phone.  I stayed a few minutes then kissed her goodbye for the day.  She could have cared less.

Part of me was sad but part of me knew she did well w the transition because we worked hard at exposing her to different people, sounds and experiences.  If she was safe and fussing in someone's arms I tried to comfort her without taking her into my own arms.  She is willing to explore on her own because she is confident that I wouldn't allow her to be unsafe.  It broke my heart but made me beam with pride.

This morning I was her Mom.  Letting go while still wanting to hold her close.  To the other teachers and parents I am her mom.  I am the one that can share her likes and dislikes.  Recommend her routine and answer care questions.

In some ways it's fitting that her first full day of daycare was the eve of her finalization.  It is confermation of what I already know.  D is the woman that gave Baby Girl life and chose ME to be her mother.  I'm part of a special group of moms that can say: I was chosen for this ultimate role and granted this title of Mom.

Finalization "problems"

Friday DH and I took baby girl to get a dress for her finalization. We went to a thrift store since we have no intention of spending $40 on a dress she will wear once. She is growing out of her 6 mo. clothes but the 9 mo clothes are just too big so we wanted to get a 6 mo. dress. There was one dress I LOVED but it didn't fit and then there was the dress DH liked and well; it fit. So DH won. Its cute I like it I just dont LOVE it.

 So then it was my turn to find something to wear. I went into every shop in two malls, plus the main downtown shopping strip and found nothing I liked. I was primarily shopping the end of season sales because I wanted something a little more summery so the outfits I did like didn't have all the sizes. I'm also not over excited about buying clothes because i'm 5-10lbs lighter then I normally am and I'm struggling to gain back the weight I lost in PA back (I know sob story- but it really is a problem for me right now).

 7:50 (10 minutes before I told DH I'm head home) I went into one last store which is modern/college aged was not really feeling it, really wanted to skip it but went in anyway. I first found a dress that looked like a casual bridesmaids dress but I liked the color. As the girl brought it back for me to try on she asked casually what occasion the dress was for. I stumbled over my speech because I didn't plan to tell anyone the reason I was dress shopping because I didn't feel like having "the conversation." I told her that I was adopting my baby Wednesday (the simple way to explain finalization). She got really gushy and asked if I knew the name/gender/etc. So I told her our daughter has lived with us since she was born and that she had a name. I figured she was gushy because she probably worked on commission and would say anything to get me to buy a dress.

I didn't like the dress because it was too formal, though I dont think I liked the dress because I didn't like any dresses that night. So she told me she would grab other dresses. I thought to myself "how is this bubbly college girl going to find me a dress when I dont even know what I want?" She came back with three outfits a red dress (super cute if I was 10 years younger), a steal grey dress, and a pants/shirt out fit. When she brought the pants/shirt set she told me not to buy the black pants from their store because they were $300 and with adoption being so expensive I probably didn't want to spend $300 on pants (my eyes raised to that comment but it was true). Each dress fit me perfectly which in my case people usually judge me heavier then I am so I usually turn down people getting sizes for me.

 I caved and bought the steal grey dress. It was a cop out, its simple, its classic, I can't go wrong. Its not exactly what I envisioned I'd wear but what do you wear on the day you finally are recognized as your daughters parents? As she checked me out she shared with me that she has a brother that is adopted. She told me she wished adoption was easier because its a hard process. She told me it cost too much and the process takes too long. Her maturity on the topic floored me and I appreciated her enthusiasm for my daughter joining my family. I took a risk by sharing my story and in turn I got to hear hers.

When I got home I panicked. I initially thought of not telling DH I bought a dress (I'm not sure I can return it) and keep shopping. I stayed up googling hundreds of adoption finalization pictures until I was satisfied that there are moms that have worn black dresses before so I wont be the first to take the easy road. It feels somewhat cold/professional but I'll have to dress it up with a colored belt and jewelry (and lets face it I'm kinda up tight anyway so the dress suits my personality) But really- What do you wear on the day you become a legal mother? I guess it really doesn't matter :)

Live in Nanny

So my older sister just left this morning after three weeks here as our "live in nanny." It was so nice to have an extra set of hands especially when Baby Girl learned to crawl during those three weeks. Growing up like any sisterly pair we didn't always like each other. Even as adults we have had our power struggles. The dynamic really seemed to change with Baby Girl around. I was nervous about having her stay with us for three weeks but I'm so glad she was able to use her summer vacation to help us bridge the gap between when DH went back to work and daycare starting Monday. We chose my older sister and her husband as our daughters God Parents. It was nice for the two of them to get to spend quality time together. We also spent time watching the shows "I'm Having Their Baby" and "The Baby Wait." Watching those shows gave us an opportunity to talk about adoption without necessarily discussing Baby Girls story. At the start of her stay my sister would use "give up" and by the end of her stay if she said "give up" she would correct herself and say "Placed." I never specifically told her to change the way she spoke but thru our conversations I think she understood why I had a preference. It means a lot to me that she took the time to listen to me as the "expert" and molded her language based on my preferences. Unfortunately for us our family lives far away and so we dont get many opportunities to spend time having them get to know Baby Girl but I'm grateful for each opportunity they get.

blog

So my plan from day one was to blog until finalization. Finalization is the 29th but my sister is staying with us until the 25th to watch Baby Girl before daycare starts on the 27th. I don't like blogging from my phone so I've taken a pause while she is here. We also will have family in town for the finalization and some of them are planning to stay until labor day. I have a few more topics left, then I'll close this chapter. This blog has provided me w an outlet to express my joys, frustrations and sorrows. I will miss it but I think it also will allow me to take a step away from adoption and just be mom.

Crawling

My baby crawled today for the first time!  DH and my older sister were home to witness and video tape- but I was at work :(  She has come so far from that sick baby we met.  She has been strong from the start and I can only wait to see where she goes in life.

Lucky Girl

Today as I pushed baby girl in her stroller and I heard a debate behind me I smiled and turned around.  I witnessed a boy wanting something that Mom wasn't giving into.  This sight was sweet but only made sweeter when I could see that this family came together by way of adoption.  I only know of the way this family was brought together because of his smooth coffee brown skin and her and her husbands porcelain skin.

We continued along listening to the debate continue when a man standing waiting to be seated at the diner smiled at us- then said "What a lucky girl."  Oh yes - I am a very lucky girl.

I beamed the rest of the way to our car.

FINALIZATION DATE!!!!!

We have a date!!  August 29th at 9:30 AM!  (assuming DH can get off work)

The Sound of Silence

I just got our third set of letters off today.  I forget what its like to print pictures!  I again in my letters requested communication back.  Yesterday I saw a post about a birthmother that was terrified that once she placed the adoptive parents she chose would close the adoption.  I never feared having no communication back- I naïvely assumed that if a birthparent wanted communication that they would want their child to know who they were as well.  There is so much written about adoptive parents closing adoptions and I know its because adoptive parents hold a great deal of control.  The silence from the other side makes me realize how much control our birthparents have as well.  Both D and J assured me they would respond- but Baby Girl gets nothing while they get pictures of her smiling face and letters about her development.  I've read that adoptions that close are the most harmful to birthparents emotionally.

Part of me wants to give up- stop sending letters and pictures but I then remind myself that I agreed to send letters/pictures.  I know that especially D needs anything that can go in her favore and depression over the adoption closing would the the worst thing for her.  At the same time- what about Baby Girl?  As time passes and I hear nothing I will likely truncate most of the letters and maybe write a long one twice a year.  Each letter has been a paged single spaced with each word evaluated takes a lot of time and emotional effort.

The silence reminds me of a documentary that I watched a few months back (which I blank on the name of).  It was a closed adoption but the daughter was able to establish contact thru letters with her birthmother.  The birthmother wrote maybe two times, and then nothing- silence.  The depression that the daughter exhibited was heart breaking- she dropped out of school, she started to perform poorly in her sports, and she found herself pregnant.

I know that Baby Girl and I will have hard conversations.  I dont know what will be hard for her.  I'm anticipating her sadness, and rejection and want to fix it before it ever hurts her.  Each time we send another pair of letters I hope to hear back even if it was a one line note saying "Baby Girl I think about you."

Questions from a prospective adoptive Mom

I'm starting this post before I go to meet a former co-worker.  We were friendly at work though I worked pediatrics and she worked adults so we rarely were in the same building.  Since leaving the hospital we have kept in touch swapping dogs for vacations, and she started a professional journal club that I attend.  I was aware of her dietary changes as well as her using acupuncture.  I was nearly positive that it was for infertility but having been down that road I never said a word.  The last thing I wanted when I was going thru that process was prying eyes.  If she wanted to share with me she could.

About a month ago she contacted me asking me for a quick summary of adoption and what agency we had used.  I shot an e-mail back and let her know that I'd gladly meet her for coffee or lunch if she wanted to talk about our experience as well as help guide her thru the process.  She responded yesterday asking if we could meet- so tomorrow we will meet for coffee.  I am brining all of my adoption books as well as our portfolio which I picked up from our agency today.

I found out that D never did receive a copy of our portfolio.  I asked that a copy be offered to her and sent if she wanted it.  I trust that our agency would give her a copy if she had wanted it so I'm guessing that she didn't want a copy.  The agency asked if they could keep the other copy to share with other families.  I plan to agree with the only condition being that they share with families that I DONT recommend having your family complete pages (that was added stress).  The ironic thing is we stressed over the book so much but D never saw our book- ever.  She was verbally presented with information about us like the state we lived in, our names, our jobs, and how long we had been married.  Those are the facts that I know D knew before we arrived.  D had asked the agency to find a family that was married (she didn't care homo/heterosexual) but beyond that she had no other requests.  She had not asked to even approve the family though the agency did present her with limited information verbally before they had us drive the 8 hours to PA.  (so I digressed).

Today I looked back at some of my initial posts.  I read the first one.  I read the post about my fears.  I read about our interviews.  I read our portfolio.  I wish I had a real live person that had been thru the process before to ask questions to.  To share with me that it was normal to see the check list and want to recycle the list.  It would have been nice to have had someone tell me that the portfolio is important but dont drag it out for three months- be yourself and move on.  Same with the check list.  The things I worried most about checking off where non-issues and the things I though I was OK with turned out to be my biggest stresses.  I'm interested to hear her questions, her fears, her reservations.  I dont know if her husband will join us.  I dont know if she has gotten the application yet.  I really do hope that I can be a person to lean on for her.  I do plan to share my blog with her if she is interested.  Best of all I have baby girl to share with her (I confirmed it was OK to bring her) and show her that its all worth it.

So we met.  We chatted for two hours.  Baby Girl was perfect she played with her toy and pounded on the table.  She is at a point where she is deciding between IVF and moving onto adoption.  She has family members that are not in support of moving onto adoption.  I'm glad I'm not at that place anymore.  It also reminds me that I'm grateful that DH and I had determined an end point prior to starting even trying to conceive.  I dont envy her position.

She asked the typical questions-
Will I love a child that is "not mine"?
My answer- yes.  The child will by YOUR baby.

Will open adoption make me feel like I'm raising someone else's child?
I feel like open adoption is like having an extended family.  I am Baby Girls Mother.  She has an extended family larger then most including her birth family.  They want to know how she is doing and have comfort that D made the best choice for her.  They do not offer advice on how to parent and we dont have to visit them for every holiday.  The relationship is for Baby Girl and not for me.  I'll admit I'm insecure at times but the more we talk about it- the more it normalizes it.  D is part of Baby Girls journey to our family but D will never replace my role as her Mother.

If we have an Open Adoption with the Birthmother show up?
NO.  There is a relationship and a trust that is established showing up with break that trust.

Nature Vs. Nurture?
Nature determines genetics, how tall Baby Girl will be, her eye color, I think her personality (she is WAY more out going then DH or I am).  We will instill our values on Baby Girl.  We will share with her our views on right/wrong.  She will challenge us and we will learn from her as well.  D had a hard childhood and had things happen to her that were outside of her families control.  Unfortunately those events lead her to a lifestyle that was harmful to herself and her family.  Baby Girls siblings as well as D's siblings are perfect examples that there was love in D's home I firmly believe that the trauma D experienced outside her home resulted in her downward spiral.  There is no such thing as a perfect home or perfect life.  We as parents try to protect our children the best we can but there are people outside our home we cannot control.

Race?
Given the community we live in we felt we could not provide cultural experiences as well as mentors for most races.  My concern was not that our child would look different from us because there were some races other then caucasian that we were open to based on our ability to provide mentors/ cultural experiences.  Baby Girl already routinely hears about her adoption story and how it makes her special.  As I have heard from other blogs that having an transracial adoption means you will need to be ready for the best and brightest of our society making comments that are hurtful not only to you but your child.  Baby Girl does look like us but we still get comments from those we know best- family/friends and in some ways I think those comments are more hurtful because they are from those that know us best.

Domestic Vs. International?
Neither is easy.  Domestic provides more regulation and birthparents should be provided education on their rights (though unfortunately there are agencies that do not do this sufficiently).  Domestic allows you to meet your child sooner and even potentially be in the hospital room when they are born.  Domestic does have a risk of a birthmother choosing to parent and an adoption resolving though heart breaking I do think of this as a positive.  I've said this before I take great solace in knowing that I can share with Baby Girl that D made a choice to place her with us.

Adoption isn't for everyone and its not an easy road.  The road leads to the gift of parenthood.  I wont go as far a to say that adoption results in pain for your child because if you are a well educated adoptive parent the lines of communication between your child and you should be open (this isn't just regards to adoption communication).  Having communication (even minimal like in our case) with the birthfamily will also help in making your child feel secure in their home with you.  There are children that are adopted that turn into unbecoming members of society but there are biological children that turn into unbecoming members of society.  Adoption will not define Baby Girl but I strongly believe that having her questions answered will make her comfortable in who she is.  She grew in D for 9 months and then was placed with us to be loved for a lifetime.

Comments/Additions to my answers would be gratefully received!  I do anticipate that she will read my blog at some point.

Bank Account

So DH got a call yesterday from my MIL telling us that her Aunt had sent us a check for Baby Girl and we still have not deposited it.  When we received checks for Baby Girl we wrote thank you notes and explained that as soon as we could open an account for Baby Girl we could deposit the check to start a college savings account.  I plan once we finally are able to open an account to write and remind the gift givers so that they expect the check to finally be deposited.

I had DH call his Mom back and explain that we dont have a social security # thus we can't open an account to deposit the checks.  We also do not have a birth certificate or other legal documentation with Baby Girls name on it.  We have documents with her birthmothers last name on it but nothing with ours.  So we told her as soon as we could we would open an account.  She didn't understand.

DH had to explain AGAIN why we do not have a social security number (and thus could not open an account).  Last weekend he had to AGAIN explain to her why we had to go to court and NO we did not have the court date yet; nor have we gone to court yet.  He also had to explain to her why it would be nice once we get the court date for her to come to the court the day our daughter becomes legally our daughter.  We have explained all of these things to her more then once.  I'm starting to think that she is suffering from dementia- I no longer pity the fool I now think I'm worried about her memory.

Today we did get an e-mail from our agency stating that they had received the paper work to submit to court from the agency in PA.  So as soon as the paperwork is submitted we will have a date.  I need to clarify if they need to wait a month before submitting or if they are going to submit right away.  If they submit the paperwork right away we will hopefully have a court date at the end of August/start of September- we shall see.

(There also were hints that we had not sent thank you notes to some of her family- I remember writing the thank you note in question, and I have a check next to the name of the person in question.  Its possible in the 150 thank you notes I sent out (in between taking care of a newborn) that I might have put a wrong address or it may have fallen behind the couch- I dont know but I wrote the thank you note!  When I offered to write a new one (which I will do anyway) I was told "not to worry about it."  Then why bring it up!?  I am a stickler for thank you notes so it was hurtful to be accused of not sending them.)

Back To Work

DH had his first day back to work.  I was so terrified I'd not get up in time to have Baby Girl ready for my aunt I woke up each and every hour starting at 1AM.  Before I went to bed I had asked DH to come in before he left for work at 5:30 AM and make sure I was up.  He must have shifted in bed because I thought he had crawled into bed.  I started to get up and ask something to the effect of "Are you here to wake me up?"  He didn't know what I was talking about.  I woke up with a start at 2, and 3:30 then baby girl woke up at 4.  She talked in her crib until almost 4:45 when she started to cry.  I got up, changed her, fed her and put her back to sleep.  I then went back to bed. I then told DH I was going to sleep until 5:45 since baby girl was already ready for the day with the exception of her clothes.

When I woke up she was still sleeping so I laid out her outfit.  I had already gotten the diaper bag ready including the bottles the night before so all I had to do was finish getting myself ready.  My aunt arrived at 6:15 as planned and I left at 6:30 as planned.  She was still sleeping.

As soon as I got into the car I felt sick.  Sick to my stomach.  I drove to get my coffee and nearly got sick.  I called DH to tell him he was the one my aunt would call if anything happened since I'm harder to get a hold of.  I shared with him that I felt sick and he just didn't understand why I would feel sick.  So I rushed my day left only 10 minutes late (compared to my usual at least 20-30 min).  I got home to find out that Baby Girl was perfect- no tears, naps on schedule, and ahead on her bottles.  Go figure- all the worry for nothing.