I will miss writing the blog but I think its time for me to move on. As many of you know personally blogging takes time- even a quick entry. Some posts take weeks or months to edit before they are ready for the world to critique. With baby girl here I don't want to miss a moment. So it is time for me to say good-bye.
For our daughter
Thank you for coming into our lives. You continue to amaze us each day. I love getting to be your Mom. Yesterday you had a spill and I grabbed you up and we snuggled. I got a rare moment to rock you to sleep in my arms and we slept together on the sofa. When you woke up I stroked your cheek and you smiled at me. Its the simple things that make me so grateful to get the title of Mom. As your Mom I promise to let you fall sometimes but I will always be there to comfort you.
I hope I can share this blog with you at some point. I want you to know how much you were wanted. I want you to know that I will always do my best to answer your questions and if I dont have an answer I will work with you to find that answer. Your blue eyes come from your Mom-Mom, your strawberry blond hair from your birthmother, your complexion from your birthfather, and your infectious smile from your birth-sister.
I am not going to be perfect, but here is a secret: neither was my Mom. I look forward to watching you grow into an amazing woman- and I will always love you.
I couldn't say it more perfectly then the song Make Me Feel My Love:
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.
I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.
- Love Mom
DH Thank you for going on this journey with me. You are an amazing father and husband. Not all men are up for the challenge you took on. Our daughter will have a role model for the way men should act and treat the women in their lives. Thank you for taking my sadness seriously. Thank you for not treating me like I was crazy and realizing what I needed more were hugs. I look forward to spending a life time with you. -You wife and partner in parenthood
For those of you still waiting.
Each morning my alarm clock played "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and each morning I started a new reminding myself that some day I'd meet my baby. I will not sugar coat it and say it was easy because a portion of the wait I was depressed. I cried to and from work on numerous occasions. I cried when a patient told me that I should "get married and have kids" in a bitter disgusted voice "because then I'd make someone else's life miserable" I sobbed. For me it was easy to turn inward and away from those around me but I was fortunate to have a few amazing friends. Take time to figure out which of your friends "get it." As a general rule you have to "live it" to really "get it" but there are a few special friends who can never really understand but will be willing to listen- find them! I had some dark days where I wasn't sure I'd be able to continue the process. Confide in your partner- its hard sometimes to remember you both are on the same boat.
I also want to tell you that I fantasized about the day my child would be placed in my arms. When I met her she was sleeping. I never had her placed in my arms- I picked her up from a blue bouncy seat and we were tethered to the wall with heart monitors for a month. I thought she was beautiful the moment I saw her but not a single tear dropped. Continue to dream, continue to pray, continue to hope, but know that no matter how that baby ends up in your arms you will think they are beautiful and you will find yourself in love. My last piece of unsolicited advice is try not to guard your heart too much. Each states waiting period for the TPR to finalize is different for us it was a two month waiting period. The wait for the TPR to finalize is a roller coaster but remind yourself that to adhear to the legal process means you can look your child in their eyes and say "Your Birthparents made a loving choice to put you first and made us your parents." I did love her during that roller coaster but a small piece of me did hold back. I didn't ever schedule a baby photo shoot. I do regret that.
I continue to think of each of you. I will continue to follow your blogs. Just remember keep your faith-
So this is it...Thank you and Good bye! I could not have made this journey without the blog and you all were part of made writing worth it. I do plan from time to time to drop by and say hello. Maybe once I finish Baby Girls Adoption Story I'll write up some sort of outline (without details). I'd love to share the story of Baby Girls first visit back to PA. So its not good-bye forever but allows for some closure as well as an opportunity to just focus on my most important job- Mom. When I started blogging I knew I wanted to create some sort of finality to it. So often blogs just stop or fade away. I often wondered where the story went. So this is our story- we fell in love, we got married, we TTC, we TTA, and now just shy of our 5 year anniversary I'm a Mom.
Baby Girl is stirring from her nap....