Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Sound of Silence

I just got our third set of letters off today.  I forget what its like to print pictures!  I again in my letters requested communication back.  Yesterday I saw a post about a birthmother that was terrified that once she placed the adoptive parents she chose would close the adoption.  I never feared having no communication back- I naïvely assumed that if a birthparent wanted communication that they would want their child to know who they were as well.  There is so much written about adoptive parents closing adoptions and I know its because adoptive parents hold a great deal of control.  The silence from the other side makes me realize how much control our birthparents have as well.  Both D and J assured me they would respond- but Baby Girl gets nothing while they get pictures of her smiling face and letters about her development.  I've read that adoptions that close are the most harmful to birthparents emotionally.

Part of me wants to give up- stop sending letters and pictures but I then remind myself that I agreed to send letters/pictures.  I know that especially D needs anything that can go in her favore and depression over the adoption closing would the the worst thing for her.  At the same time- what about Baby Girl?  As time passes and I hear nothing I will likely truncate most of the letters and maybe write a long one twice a year.  Each letter has been a paged single spaced with each word evaluated takes a lot of time and emotional effort.

The silence reminds me of a documentary that I watched a few months back (which I blank on the name of).  It was a closed adoption but the daughter was able to establish contact thru letters with her birthmother.  The birthmother wrote maybe two times, and then nothing- silence.  The depression that the daughter exhibited was heart breaking- she dropped out of school, she started to perform poorly in her sports, and she found herself pregnant.

I know that Baby Girl and I will have hard conversations.  I dont know what will be hard for her.  I'm anticipating her sadness, and rejection and want to fix it before it ever hurts her.  Each time we send another pair of letters I hope to hear back even if it was a one line note saying "Baby Girl I think about you."


  1. Have faith my friend. A lot can happen with time and maturity. While it's possible that your birth mom will never reply to anything, you don't know how seeing the pictures makes her feel. Instead of assuming the worst, just picture it being the highlight of her day and know that you can't control what others do, only how their actions and words make you feel.

    You're the mother of this darling girl for a reason and through your conversations with her, she'll hopefully make peace with the choices that her birth mother has made. Your job is to protect her and make sure she's safe, and you're doing that.

    I'd keep praying that you someday get something in return. Have you thought about sending a letter asking her if she wants to proceed with an open (or is it semi-open) adoption? Have you asked already? Who knows how hard it is for her to see pictures... maybe she doesn't have the strength yet to reply. It may take years, and it may never come. I'd at least ask her if she wants you to continue, and if she doesn't reply, keep sending and keep praying.

    It's all you can do.

  2. I'm going to give it until the end of the year. Our last letter in October I will ask when she wants to visit. I know she only had a few weeks to decide on adoption while I waited for years. We have both birthparents full information. They do not know our last name or the city we live in but they have our phone #. We plan on yearly visits... so I'd describe our relationship as a very open semi-open adoption.