Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Where is she now?

February 2011 we had a potential match.  I didn't qualify for FMLA and just like baby girl she was in PA it was unclear how long she would be in the hospital for as she was born premature.  We didn't have funds for an out of state adoption.  We didn't have a place to stay.  She also had medical complications that DH wasn't comfortable with.  I cried in the drug store parking lot on my way home from work that day.  I was sobbing so hard I couldn't drive.  My dear friend talked me down but event still I just felt like she didn't understand my heart break for a baby that the timing wasn't right for.

The baby was "offered" through an e-mail to all prospective adoptive parents at our agency since there were no families that "matched."  She had minor health challenges typical of a premature infant but it was unclear when she would discharge from the hospital to a family willing to love her.  She was already almost a month old at the time of the e-mail and they had been searching for a family to love her.  The TPR was almost run out given how long she had already been waiting.

Tonight I had to stop at the ATM on my way home from work.  The bank and drug store share a parking lot.  As I parked the experience flooded back to me.  I think of this baby girl often.  I wonder how long she had to wait in limbo until someone would claim her as their daughter?  I wonder who loves her.  I wonder how strong she has gotten.  My eyes always well up with tears thinking about her.  My sweet baby girl who arrived a year later was so similar.  It was as if this first girl got us ready to say "yes" to our daughter because one week shy of a year later a one week old little girl needed us to be her Mom and Dad.  A year prior the idea of going to another state for a child in the hospital for an undetermined amount of time was something we were not ready to do.  In having the ability to digest the prospect I had told DH I would say "yes" to if the situation arouse again and we would do just as we did- I'd stay where the baby was until we could come home.  I couldn't endure that sadness again.  I wasn't willing to have another little girl be "matched" via a mass e-mail.  It breaks my heart to think that no one wanted her.  It makes me sad to think that our healthy little girl was considered "high risk" just as this other little girl had been a year earlier.  I have been given the impression from our agency that they were worried about how long it would take to place our daughter.

These "high risk" babies are real babies that just need someone to hold them in the hospital.  Let them know they are loved and they grow leaps and bounds right before your eyes.  My baby girl did the fighting in the hospital but I know my ability to comfort her helped her get stronger faster.  To think that this other baby girl who they were unable to find a match for was alone for at least a month in the hospital breaks my heart.  My baby girl was alone for a week before we arrived.  I try not to think about her time alone in the NICU.  I saw babies cry for 45-60 minutes while nurses were occupied.  Its not that the nurses dont want to love these babies but they can't.  There isn't time in their day and I'm sure emotionally they only have so much to give.  So they sit alone waiting for someone to love them.

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