Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Paying it Forward

My cousin contacted me a few weeks ago saying that a friend was struggling with infertility and was looking into adoption.  I gave her the information she requested and then told her that she can call if she wants.  I just got off the phone with her.  We both cried over her struggles (though I'm not sure she knew my sniffles were not a cold).  I hope I helped but it was really nice to feel like I could pay it forward.

I've been extremely private about our infertility.  I am sure some people think we adopted just because.  I'm sure most people had no clue we were going to adopt or struggled with infertility.  I struggle with sharing because in some ways I dont think its anyones business that we struggled with infertility.  I also feel like people will judge us- thinking whats wrong with them or feel badly for us.  I learned quickly when we started to realize that something (we still dont know what) was wrong not to share because everyone has advice- most of that advice was unhelpful and hurt more then it helped.  I honestly have started to believe that some people are just meant to adopt.  Its ironic that DH and I already had planned adoption as part of our family plan even prior to knowing we had trouble with infertility.

It would have been nice to have a real person that had been down my path.  Blogging was my escape and my place to find people that related.  I couldn't have made this journey without my blog.  I however never could receive a hug via my computer.  It would have been nice to have a real person that lived my experience.  Unfortunately people have to be willing to discuss infertility in order for people to connect and gain support- I'm sure a lot of people assume now since we adopted that we had infertility trouble and maybe I'll get more connections to allow me to be that support person I never had.  I still am not sure though I'm willing to out myself.  Maybe someday I'll feel comfortable shouting it from the hill tops:  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME EXCEPT MY INABILITY TO BECOME PREGNANT AND THATS OK!

As an aside I dropped the hospital grade pump off at the lactation consultant today.  I cried the whole way there and the whole way home.  Its such a bitter sward- part of me still wants to continue.  I have found it easier to focus on her latching on now that I'm not occupied with pumping.  My DH has been so sweet and keeps telling me I've tried harder then most people would have but I'm not used to achieving the highest standards.  Infertility I guess still hasn't fully taught me that the alternative can be just as beautiful as the main stream.


  1. Thank you so much for sharing. It blesses me deeply. My husband and I are just starting on the path of adoption after struggling with infertility for years. It took me a while to open up about it. It is so hard being judged when you are already hurting so bad. I've been very pleasantly surprised at the amount of love and support I received once I opened up. Enjoy your sweet baby! Thanks again.

  2. Infertility is an interesting world isn't it? My husband's best friend has two kids and while we WERE trying to get pregnant, they blinked and it happened. TWICE. Each time we'd see him, he'd say, "Oh my gosh... you guys are totally missing out... you need to have kids." And my husband and I would look at each other with the "SERIOUSLY????" look and then my husband would say, "Yeah... we're working on it... it's not easy for everyone." His friend was so insensitive to it and never stopped bringing it up until finally my husband had to come out and tell him that his comments were hurtful.

    I agree that some people are meant to adopt. There are babies out there who need parents who love them and can give them what they need... and not everyone can or should adopt. Not everyone can or should be parents. Why some people get pregnant and other don't is something that I'll never understand, but I know, had I been able to get pregnant, I would not be Gus's mom. I was meant to be his mama and I'm meant to be a mama again to a baby via adoption.

    Infertility hurts, but I've learned that there are A LOT of people who have experienced it. Many don't talk about it... much like divorce. Until you're in that situation, you have no idea how many others also have been in the same situation.

    I think the point of fertility is motherhood. You were able to accomplish this goal and did it but thought an alternative route. The end destination is the same... and to me, that's all that matters. So shout it out... you're a mama and that's all that matters! How you became a mama does not matter!!