I feel like I'm going crazy just a little under 11 months of waiting. I don't think I can wait anymore. Coworkers this weekend were telling me how well I'm dealing with this all. Little do they know that I feel like I'm unraveling. I dont know how much longer I can keep up this act of normalcy when really I'm falling apart.
On a bright note my sister mailed me a door hook for the nursery with frogs which is our nursery theme.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Self Centered
My mother told me about a book today about a woman that used IVF to conceive- one twin died and the other ended up in the NICU. She described how this woman was self centered in her desperation to have a baby.
Now we did not try IVF for many reasons but I can relate to that desperate feeling of wanting a baby. I think its human nature whenever you can't have something you want, the more driven you are to have it. We did not choose to use IVF for many reasons primarily ethical reasons. IVF frequently results in multiples and humans are not dogs that have litters of children. On top of the fact that my back could never survive multiples. The hormones that induce ovulation and the the procedures to retrieve the eggs I feel have not been researched enough and there was potential harm to me. IVF is not guaranteed to result in a pregnancy and honestly I could not continue the month after month disappointment. Lastly I find adoption more appealing then IVF- I in a strange way feel like I was meant to adopt. With that said I can understand that deep desire to have a biological baby and the use of IVF even though I've always been against it is right for some people.
I think that my mothers comment is the root of my current frustration. Not her specifically but her comment about this woman's self centered nature. This desire for a baby rules my thoughts daily. It may appear self centered to some but until you have been in my shoes please dont judge me. I wanted to tell my mom this but I dont think she realizes that all women that I have spoken to as well as read about that are/have experienced infertility can relate to this desperate need for a child. I'm not sure where it comes from but its universal. So in essence she was calling me self centered. So some might call it self centered but I call it desperate.
Now we did not try IVF for many reasons but I can relate to that desperate feeling of wanting a baby. I think its human nature whenever you can't have something you want, the more driven you are to have it. We did not choose to use IVF for many reasons primarily ethical reasons. IVF frequently results in multiples and humans are not dogs that have litters of children. On top of the fact that my back could never survive multiples. The hormones that induce ovulation and the the procedures to retrieve the eggs I feel have not been researched enough and there was potential harm to me. IVF is not guaranteed to result in a pregnancy and honestly I could not continue the month after month disappointment. Lastly I find adoption more appealing then IVF- I in a strange way feel like I was meant to adopt. With that said I can understand that deep desire to have a biological baby and the use of IVF even though I've always been against it is right for some people.
I think that my mothers comment is the root of my current frustration. Not her specifically but her comment about this woman's self centered nature. This desire for a baby rules my thoughts daily. It may appear self centered to some but until you have been in my shoes please dont judge me. I wanted to tell my mom this but I dont think she realizes that all women that I have spoken to as well as read about that are/have experienced infertility can relate to this desperate need for a child. I'm not sure where it comes from but its universal. So in essence she was calling me self centered. So some might call it self centered but I call it desperate.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
vows and frustration
For our first year wedding anniversary the traditional gift is paper. I had our vows framed and are hanging in our living room. The other night after DH was in bed I took a minute to read our vows. We wrote our vows together on the futon in our apartment.
Here is what we came up with:
I (Name), promise to respect you (name) for who you are and who you will grow to become, whether I am near or far away. I promise to be faithful, understanding, caring, to work together, and be creative in overcoming life's challenges. I promise to always find the best in you and laugh often and much. But most of all, I promise to love you unconditionally.
This process at times has really challenged me to take my vows to heart. I think the most relevant vow is being creative in overcoming life's challenges.
I've been on this wedding trend recently in my post in part likely because of our anniversary. In part I should be happy that I'm married and have found the one to spend my life with and enjoy each others company while we have peace and quiet. Honestly though I'm sick of waiting and I'm sick of pretending that its "OK" and that when "then times right" it will happen, I'm sick of being pleasant when asked if i've heard anything, and i'm sick of being happy for other people... and those my friend are my honest to goodness feelings. I think i've been focusing on the anniversary/wedding because I'm trying to convince myself that I should just be happy with where I am. I am happy with my marriage just not with our situation.
Here is what we came up with:
I (Name), promise to respect you (name) for who you are and who you will grow to become, whether I am near or far away. I promise to be faithful, understanding, caring, to work together, and be creative in overcoming life's challenges. I promise to always find the best in you and laugh often and much. But most of all, I promise to love you unconditionally.
This process at times has really challenged me to take my vows to heart. I think the most relevant vow is being creative in overcoming life's challenges.
I've been on this wedding trend recently in my post in part likely because of our anniversary. In part I should be happy that I'm married and have found the one to spend my life with and enjoy each others company while we have peace and quiet. Honestly though I'm sick of waiting and I'm sick of pretending that its "OK" and that when "then times right" it will happen, I'm sick of being pleasant when asked if i've heard anything, and i'm sick of being happy for other people... and those my friend are my honest to goodness feelings. I think i've been focusing on the anniversary/wedding because I'm trying to convince myself that I should just be happy with where I am. I am happy with my marriage just not with our situation.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
blogging about waiting....
I've been thinking about how strange it is to blog about being is this limbo phase of adoption. We are approved to be adoptive parents we just dont have a birth mother that has chosen us yet. We could have a baby tomorrow we could have a baby two years from now. We just dont know. So often when people ask us if there are any updates we honestly can say "no." For something that is so stagnant at this point I do feel like I have a lot to say.
In some ways its like writing about watching paint dry. Not a whole lot is happening fast.
At the same time nothing is happening to us we still have feelings about our waiting. We also have positive (and unfortunately negative) interactions with family, friends and strangers. I just sometimes laugh at how much I have to say about nothing. At least it gives DH a short break from having to listen (which he is great at by the way).
In some ways its like writing about watching paint dry. Not a whole lot is happening fast.
At the same time nothing is happening to us we still have feelings about our waiting. We also have positive (and unfortunately negative) interactions with family, friends and strangers. I just sometimes laugh at how much I have to say about nothing. At least it gives DH a short break from having to listen (which he is great at by the way).
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Dateline NBC Friday 8/19
Last night there was a story on Dateline NBC which discussed Paternal Birthparent rights. I was hesitant to watch it because I feared that it would make adoptive parents look like evil child snatchers. Unfortunately I think in this case the agency, the birth mother and or her family, and the adoptive parents acted poorly.
The story focused on one birth father who had made it clear prior to the birth of the child that he wanted to raise the child himself if the birth mother was unwilling/unable. He was 20 at the time his baby was born and he was not notified of the birth only that the birthmother had started working with an adoption agency. After several attempts to contact her he realized that she probably had the baby. He never had a chance to see his baby, he only has a few photos that the birthmother provided him. His baby was adopted by a family in Utah and the agency was from Utah.
On the paper work completed by the birthmother it indicates that she knew who the father was. She also indicated that she knew the father was not supportive of the adoption and wanted to maintain parental rights (not in so many words). The child however was moved quickly to Utah. My guess is because they knew the birthfather would fight it.
So I have a few problems with this story. The first is it seems to me that Utah is/or may become a magnet for birthmothers that want to ensure an adoption when there is a desire from a birthfather to be a single parent and raise the child. Second the adoptive family was aware of the birthfathers desires. The combination of the two sounds more like baby buying then adoption to me. What also concerns me is that there is a federal law called the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. This means if we adopt a baby out of state the baby will have to remain in the state until that state determines that baby can leave the state. It sounds like in this case that the baby should have remained in Virginia as the birthfather had expressed interest in raising the child and they knew his name just not his address. I'm sure a quick search of the DMV records they could have found an address/phone #. Also clearly the birthmother had this information. Once the baby is transfered from one state to the other even if fraud is committed (i.e. the birth mother claims she doesn't have an address for the birthfather) the transfer is final and the laws of the new state apply (which in Utah is heavily stacked against birthfathers).
Birthfathers do pose a "threat" to adoption because they are not physically attached to the adoption. It is clear without a doubt who the birthmother is. As for birthfathers I must trust that the birthmother is being honest in stating she does or does not know who the birthfather is. Its always "safest" when the birthfather is known and agreeable to the adoption.
This story bothered me because the adoptive parents clearly knew the desires of the birth father. There is no reason that the birthfather should not raise his child as he desires. The birth mother and or her family, as well as the agency she worked with worked hard to keep the father from being involved. As an adoptive parent to be, I dont want someones else's baby that the birthparent/s feel they can love and raise. I want my adoption to be an act of love in which both birth parents ideally feel that we would make good parents for their child. Stories like these make adoption scary and there does need to be a cut off in which parental rights are terminated and the adoptive family can move on knowing that their family has grown by one. In this case thought it was clear from the start that the birthfather did not ever agree to perental rights being terminated unfortunately he fought his battle in Virginia too long since as soon as the baby was transfered the new states laws took effect even thought fraud took place.
I dont want to buy, steal or cheat in order to have a baby. My marital status, educational level or career success does not make me a better parent. It does make things easier but it doesn't make me better.
The story focused on one birth father who had made it clear prior to the birth of the child that he wanted to raise the child himself if the birth mother was unwilling/unable. He was 20 at the time his baby was born and he was not notified of the birth only that the birthmother had started working with an adoption agency. After several attempts to contact her he realized that she probably had the baby. He never had a chance to see his baby, he only has a few photos that the birthmother provided him. His baby was adopted by a family in Utah and the agency was from Utah.
On the paper work completed by the birthmother it indicates that she knew who the father was. She also indicated that she knew the father was not supportive of the adoption and wanted to maintain parental rights (not in so many words). The child however was moved quickly to Utah. My guess is because they knew the birthfather would fight it.
So I have a few problems with this story. The first is it seems to me that Utah is/or may become a magnet for birthmothers that want to ensure an adoption when there is a desire from a birthfather to be a single parent and raise the child. Second the adoptive family was aware of the birthfathers desires. The combination of the two sounds more like baby buying then adoption to me. What also concerns me is that there is a federal law called the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. This means if we adopt a baby out of state the baby will have to remain in the state until that state determines that baby can leave the state. It sounds like in this case that the baby should have remained in Virginia as the birthfather had expressed interest in raising the child and they knew his name just not his address. I'm sure a quick search of the DMV records they could have found an address/phone #. Also clearly the birthmother had this information. Once the baby is transfered from one state to the other even if fraud is committed (i.e. the birth mother claims she doesn't have an address for the birthfather) the transfer is final and the laws of the new state apply (which in Utah is heavily stacked against birthfathers).
Birthfathers do pose a "threat" to adoption because they are not physically attached to the adoption. It is clear without a doubt who the birthmother is. As for birthfathers I must trust that the birthmother is being honest in stating she does or does not know who the birthfather is. Its always "safest" when the birthfather is known and agreeable to the adoption.
This story bothered me because the adoptive parents clearly knew the desires of the birth father. There is no reason that the birthfather should not raise his child as he desires. The birth mother and or her family, as well as the agency she worked with worked hard to keep the father from being involved. As an adoptive parent to be, I dont want someones else's baby that the birthparent/s feel they can love and raise. I want my adoption to be an act of love in which both birth parents ideally feel that we would make good parents for their child. Stories like these make adoption scary and there does need to be a cut off in which parental rights are terminated and the adoptive family can move on knowing that their family has grown by one. In this case thought it was clear from the start that the birthfather did not ever agree to perental rights being terminated unfortunately he fought his battle in Virginia too long since as soon as the baby was transfered the new states laws took effect even thought fraud took place.
I dont want to buy, steal or cheat in order to have a baby. My marital status, educational level or career success does not make me a better parent. It does make things easier but it doesn't make me better.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
roses and rainbows
We celebrated DH promotion with the guys he graduated the academy with. One of the guys has a 2 year old who is cute as a button with curls and big brown eyes. She is smart and has spunk both of which she used in testing her parents at dinner. It was exhausting just watching the debate over how many pieces of brocoli needed to be eaten in order to get a cup cake after dinner. Its moments like those that remind me parenting isn't just roses and rainbows.
I think I've mentioned this before but a major difference between pregnancy and awaiting an adopted baby is adoptive parents get some control. This means that at any point we could take our selves out of the pool of waiting parents. I wouldn't dare to do this but its always an option. So when a pregnant lady starts to panic about if she can be a parent or not she is stuck (unless she places her baby for adoption), while I on the other hand can start thinking "oh my God what have I gotten myself into... I can't do this... I need off the list NOW." Then I start to dream of all the vacations and nice things I could buy with our adoption nest egg.
Lucky for us DH and I have yet to have these dreams on the same day so we always bring the other to our senses. I wanna be a parent because after the rain storms there has got to be roses and rainbows- right?!
I think I've mentioned this before but a major difference between pregnancy and awaiting an adopted baby is adoptive parents get some control. This means that at any point we could take our selves out of the pool of waiting parents. I wouldn't dare to do this but its always an option. So when a pregnant lady starts to panic about if she can be a parent or not she is stuck (unless she places her baby for adoption), while I on the other hand can start thinking "oh my God what have I gotten myself into... I can't do this... I need off the list NOW." Then I start to dream of all the vacations and nice things I could buy with our adoption nest egg.
Lucky for us DH and I have yet to have these dreams on the same day so we always bring the other to our senses. I wanna be a parent because after the rain storms there has got to be roses and rainbows- right?!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Glow
My boss asked me today if I had any baby news. She said I looked different. I was wearing contacts and was a little tan/sun burned. She didn't think so... she said I had a glow about me. I honestly think it was the refreshing time away from the stress of life. We didn't do much of anything but wander, swim, lay around, read, enjoy each others company, eat good food (very good food), drink good wine and local beer, shop, talk, and were away from phones and computers (as best I could- I was worried about the dog alone in the house who was being checked on my a friend a few times a day).
The topic of babies as well as more babies came up but for the most part we didn't stress. We laughed that 7 years ago when we met 7 years seemed so far away (7 years is when DH would auto corporal meaning a promotion). Our wedding 4 years ago seems almost as long ago as 7 years. Sometimes I wish I had been more insistent that we try having children sooner; however I also know the outcome of how we would create our family wouldn't be different. I know though that trying sooner would have made decisions harder - save for a house or a baby, stay in a job I hate and have a baby or change jobs and have no baby. We also are in a place financially as well as with greater life experience have greater maturity which all will make parenting easier. Knowing this does not make me wish any less that we already had a baby it makes me hope that things happen a certain way for a reason. 7 years from now hopefully I'll two babies one in school and it will seem like 7 years wasn't that far away and time will have flown past. 7 years from now I will also likely day dream of carefree vacations.
I'd like to think that my glow was more then a vacation but I know better then that. Maybe adoptive mom's glow before "the phone call"?
The topic of babies as well as more babies came up but for the most part we didn't stress. We laughed that 7 years ago when we met 7 years seemed so far away (7 years is when DH would auto corporal meaning a promotion). Our wedding 4 years ago seems almost as long ago as 7 years. Sometimes I wish I had been more insistent that we try having children sooner; however I also know the outcome of how we would create our family wouldn't be different. I know though that trying sooner would have made decisions harder - save for a house or a baby, stay in a job I hate and have a baby or change jobs and have no baby. We also are in a place financially as well as with greater life experience have greater maturity which all will make parenting easier. Knowing this does not make me wish any less that we already had a baby it makes me hope that things happen a certain way for a reason. 7 years from now hopefully I'll two babies one in school and it will seem like 7 years wasn't that far away and time will have flown past. 7 years from now I will also likely day dream of carefree vacations.
I'd like to think that my glow was more then a vacation but I know better then that. Maybe adoptive mom's glow before "the phone call"?
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