Kid Time

I've gotten a lot of baby time this past week.  My friend who's maternity leave I covered invited us over for dinner.  I held her baby girl and played with her son while her and her husband finished making dinner.  During dinner her son cried because his lasagna fell apart when he tried to eat it and no one could calm him until I told him I was going to eat mine backwards and flipped my dinner over, took the bottom noodle off and started eating the bottom first.  I then got to help put her little girl down for the night- she smelled SO good and her smile was contagious.  Unfortunately my friends sister just moved in from out of town so my place on the babysitting list just fell.

Last night when we picked up the dog I played with our friends little girl.  What a ham!  All three of us (the little girl, myself, and my dog) all got into the dog kennel together.  We played peek-a-boo and ran around a little (I'm starting to think i'm a bad influence on these kids).  She is so close to walking she insists on having two hands for walking even though she clearly can do it with one hand.  I got her to let me walk only holding onto one hand by tickling her every time she started to pout.

I know having kids isn't this much fun all the time but I look forward to making memories and seeing my children do things for the first time.  Including the first time they eat their lasagna upside down.

Little side story- so the kids shop down the street is closing.  The news just was announced and I called to see if they had any Britax infant carseats.  They had one left that was being held and darn it the person actually went and picked it up.  The bad thing is... this kids shop is the only place in the area that sells the infant seat.  oh well.

Legacy of An Adopted Child

Legacy of An Adopted Child

Author Unknown

Once there were two women,

Who barely knew each other.

One is in your heart forever,

The other you’ll call mother.

Two different lives,

Shaped to make yours one.

One became your guiding star,

The other became your sun.

The first gave you life,

And the second taught you how to live it.

The first gave you a need for love,

And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,

The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,

The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile,

The other dried your tears.

One gave you a family,

It was what God intended for her to do.

The other prayed for a child,

And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me

Through your tears,

The age old question through the years.

Heredity or environment…

Which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling… neither,

Just two different kinds of love.

Staycation

I try not to count months too often but this weekend was 15 months of waiting.  I try not to count because it wont make anything go any faster but ask me on any given day and I can tell you exactly how many months and days it has been since our official wait began.  My wait could be over in days, months, or year(s) which makes counting depressing but there is no way not to count.  If there is someone out there that has successfully waited (longer then a few months) that did so without counting I want to know their secret.

We met up with a couple who live in upstate NY in Stowe VT.  We went snow shoeing toured Ben and Jerrys, went to two breweries, and a vineyard.  At the vineyard (one of my favorites called Shelburne Vineyards) they had us sample a few wines they were trying to decide how to bottle.  I'd like to say it was enjoyable but I was in a bit of a funk a good part of the weekend.  DH as usual knows how to wrap me up in his embrace and love me anyway.  

There is no one else I think I could endure this with... so here is a song for him.

Protocol update

Almost three weeks in and my spotting as ended!! No aunt flow until after baby arrives (or 6 months which ever comes first). My breast hurt. In my middle school the boys had a game they thought was funny which was to bump into your chest "accidentally" to make your chest hurt. Thats how I feel now. Its not as bad as they were initially but still sore.

I called the MD about decreasing the mg's from 20 4x's daily to 10 4x's daily she said dont change a thing. She will see me again in February to make sure my blood pressure is good but I've been monitoring it at work on my own. I might be slightly elevated compared to my "norm" but I've also never checked my BP at work so it could just be work stressing me out. I normally run a low BP so a little higher isn't a bad thing.

I still have only missed the one pill. There have been a few days that my schedule has been off a little because of staying late at work or sleeping in but nothing too drastic. I need to call my neighbor about her experience but always seem to call her after 8 when her kiddos are in bed.

I Can't Do It Anymore

I got to thinking that in about three short months we will be asked to update our fingerprints again. Each time an anniversary like this comes up I say "I can't do this again" but I inevitably do. Each Halloween, Birthday, Christmas, New Years, Anniversary that passes I say I can't go through another one without a baby. Somehow life continues and I even am able to enjoy the moments I'm in, but I can't help but saying aloud at some point during the celebration "I can't do this again."

The first time I was fingerprinted I was bitter, the second time I was passive, but the third time I honestly don't know that I can do it. The first time my background check was completed and my child support obligation investigated I was annoyed, the second time I joked the third time I don't know that I can do it. The first time my taxes were provided I felt invaded, the second time it felt like an afterthought to the stack of papers I collected, but the third time I don't know I can do it. My throat burns and my eyes water typing these words because I know there is a strong chance I'm going to have to figure out how to do it again. Somewhere I'll find the strength but I'm not sure from where.

New Social Worker

We met with the new social worker. She is not new to us as she was an intern around the time our application was approved. She is young (I can't believe I'm saying that). Not just age wise but she acts young. We made a few minor edits to our preference sheet and reminded her that we are flexible and willing to hear about babies that are "outside of our perimeters." We increased our ceiling for what we are willing to spend on out of state adoptions which we thought was higher- so we set it to what we thought it had been. Of all the things that really stuck out on that sheet of paper we wrote on almost a year and a half ago was our ages: 28. She said she planned on starting the support group back up in February. The meeting was quick all of 15 minutes.

Two side stories- yesterday at work one of my patients wives stopped me in the hall to chat. She then asked if she could ask a personal question- I agreed (I didn't have to answer). She asked me what my "hopes and dreams are" because she told me she prays for me and the physical therapist that works with her husband. I asked her if I could think about it and get back to her which she did not seem offended by but seemed to welcome. I started to get up and walk away. I dont know what possessed me to do it but I turned back around and whispered in her ear "a baby" - we both smiled and I hurried away. This couple really touches my heart- I hope her prayers help. He will likely not be around our facility much longer and he will be one of those that I keep in touch with after he is done at our facility.

Second side story was a yahoo news article that I read in the paper this morning. An amazing story about a women that chose to place her child for adoption at a time where there really was no choice. The woman had become pregnant after being raped. The birthmother is now 100 years old as was just recently contacted by her grandson who put her in contact with his mother (the baby that she had placed for adoption). It sounded like from the article that the agency she worked with initially provided what we would now consider a semi-open adoption as they provided her updates when she would write to ask for them. It made me wonder if the "history" of closed adoption is not fully accurate but that there were more semi open adoptions then we know about just not on a formal basis. Anyone know anything about it? I'm intrigued. Read here

Measure a Year

Happy New Year!!!  

I wont tell you what I wished for at midnight but I bet you can guess.

2011 was not the year of the baby for us.  I told DH to call the hospital December 31st to make me up a bed if we dont have a baby by the 31st this year (the kind of bed thats in a padded room).  This waiting for a baby thing really feels at times like I have my life on pause.  There are a few job related changes I'd like to make but I feel paralyzed because I dont know when/if/where.

This New Years was easier to take then I expected with the social worker position being filled at our agency.  She is not full time initially but at least there is someone.  I also don't plan on letting her forget about us.  I know its ultimately the birthparents decision but the agency does choose which books they present.  I will be contacting her on a biweekly basis until the support group gets started again.

New Years Day was busy which is my MO when I want to forget about unpleasant things.  I got up, cleaned, ran errands, put dinner together, babysat (we went to the museum so much fun- I never knew how much fun water, bubbles, and fish could be), and had friends over for dinner.  DH and I went downtown for appetizers and a drink then kept each other up until midnight and instantly went to sleep.  I worked today.

As more time passess I get crankier and try to stay busy thus I'm exhausted and more cranky (I dont think the meds are helping).  So in true style I'm going to the hardware store to get the paint for a mural in the nursery.  Its full circle since last year we painted the room and put up the trim on new years day.  Next year I'll either be in the nursery with a baby or in a padded room without a mind.

Rent- Seasons Of Love ALL Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes, Five hundred twenty-five thousand Moments so dear. Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes How do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights In cups of coffee In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes How do you measure A year in the life? How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love Seasons of love. Seasons of love JOANNE Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes! Five hundred twenty-five thousand Journeys to plan. Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes How do you measure the life Of a woman or a man? COLLINS In truths that she learned, Or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned, Or the way that she died. ALL It's time now to sing out, Tho' the story never ends Let's celebrate Remember a year in the life of friends Remember the love! Remember the love! Seasons of love! JOANNE(while ALL sing) Oh you got to got to  Remember the love!  You know that love is a gift from up above  Share love, give love spread love  Measure measure your life in love.