Encouragement

Today I had a really nice conversation with my neighbor who induced lactation using the short version of the protocol I'm using.  We have played phone tag for a while and finally chatted!  She had a friend who has a lactaid that she is going to loan me.  The lactaid can be used by anyone and is known as a supplemental feeder.  The baby is at breast and the lactaid has a small tube that ends at the nipple so when they suckle they are drawing milk from the lactaid and possibly from the breast as well.  In my case I hope to only need the lactaid initially but I'll do what I need to do to feed my baby.  The funny thing is last weekend I almost bought one but didn't.  They are a little pricey but you can get them with a prescription and then its a medical expense.

She answered my questions about her experience with the medication, supplements she used, and formula.  She has similar beliefs as I do about formula which is why she chose to and I am choosing to induce lactation.  Besides the health benefits to breast milk I'm also leery of the health effects of soy.  Anything in moderation is good but to feed a baby only soy based products seems like a poor health choice.  She provided me with a cookbook that had a homemade formula that she started to use w her baby when he was six months.  She also shared her experience of getting only 1 oz per day initially!!  She used the fast track and i'm using the long method so we shall see if I have better luck initially.

Before speaking with her I had sketched the mural that I'd conceptualized over a year ago.  I had planned on maybe finishing it at some point this week.  Her encouragement carried over to the rest of my day.  I worked for the rest of the day on the mural.  Besides a last coat of paint on the leaves and some shading of the tree trunk... my fall tree is done!  It stands about 6 ft tall and I LOVE it.  I think I was in part terrified of drawing on the walls... now I can't wait to paint on the walls again!!  In honor of my success I am going to attach my first picture for my blog :)  The picture is a few coats back but it will give you the idea of what it looks like.

I was telling my mom that I hope I'm not sending out fall baby vibes because I can't wait that long.

My aching back

I've had trouble with my back for years.  One worry I have which I never have mentioned in my list of fears is that my back will interfere with my ability to parent.  There is not a position that my back doesn't hurt these days even with medication.

Yesterday I got a cortisone shot in my back which hopefully will allow me to get back to exercising and decrease my pain again.  If the shot doesnt' work they will likely operate.  I'm in a bind.  Part of me just wants to get the surgery done with so the pain goes away and part of me realizes the success rates of surgery and wants to stay as far away as possible.

I know that I have emotions tied into parenting and back pain.  My own mother injured her back when I was 11.  Her health became her fulltime job.  Responsibilities for my sisters and I quickly increased.  All active activities like camping and hiking as a family ceased.  My younger sister doesn't even recall our family doing those types of activities.

I realize how dramatic an injury can change a family.  I worry that I'll be that change.

How Long its Been

I'm frequently reminded how long we have been waiting in unexpected ways.

Three years ago we went to the neurosurgeons office to make sure my back could tollerate a pregnancy.  Thats the last time I was there until Tuesday when the doctor reviewed my last visit.  I remember her telling us to have a baby, wait until I was thirty and then come back for surgery.  Well I dont have a baby I'm 30 and I might be back for surgery.

Two years ago our friends baby was born.  We went to her two year old birthday party this past weekend.  I remember when her mother was home on maternity leave we stopped by.  We already were talking adoption.  I had contacted our agency and had research our options.

We may have "only" been waiting one year, three months, one week, and five days, but thats our adoption wait time.  In honesty we have been waiting much longer.  Before our application was approved we were waiting to wait.  Before we were waiting to wait we were waiting for an infertility doctor to answer our questions.  Before we had questions for an infertility doctor to answer we were waiting for our trying to work.  Before we even started trying we were waiting for the right time to try.  Before we started waiting together for the right time to try we were both waiting for the right person to try with.

Asking for What I Need

Asking for what I need isn't exactly my strong point.  I am more apt to struggle with a problem until it boils over.  Case in point:  I mentioned in passing about three weeks ago to my boss that I wouldn't be able to work Sundays after the baby comes (DH works rotating weekends and besides picking his shift has no flexibility in his schedule).  She informed me that "we would see" and "work out the details when the baby came."

I literally got to the point where I broke down.  It was causing me not to sleep thinking about having to leave my child in unknown childcare on weekends (because we dont have family in the area).  The idea of inconsistency weekend to weekend drove me crazy.  Then it made me start realizing that at some point after waiting all these years for a child i was then going to leave it.  So the idea of child care in and of itself started to drive me crazy.  Then I broke down.  Sobbing.

I couldn't ask DH for me to stay home because I'm the "bread winner" at this point.  So staying home full time for me isn't an option.  Staying home for DH isn't an option either because his career is dependent on years served.  He also doesn't have part time as an option.  When I was sobbing I couldn't put into words what it was I was sobbing about or express to him what exactly it was that I was going to need.

The next day I was able to tell him.  I dont need to stay home full time but I also need to be home as much as possible.  We dont need lavish vacations because once baby arrives there will be no time for them anyway.  We have been squirreling away money for the adoption and prior to that we were saving for a house and prior to that I was in grad school so its been a long time since we "lived" on two incomes.  He agreed and didn't seem to question our ability to live on a just a little less.  Likely it will put off baby #2 but thats so highly dependent on tax credits/rebates anyway there may not be two.  On top of baby 1 hasn't appeared yet anyway.

So Sunday I wrote my boss a note and left it on her desk for Monday.  She stopped in briefly but was primarily home Monday because of her baby being sick.  She paged me and asked if I wanted to talk then.  I knew I couldn't have the conversation without tearing up so I told her I'd talk to her today.  When I got into work today we spoke for a few minutes.  I told her I wanted to work less once the baby arrived.  I told her that I'd be flexible and if she found someone sooner that was looking for hours I'd be willing to cut back sooner (I'd just work per diem somewhere until baby arrived on my "extra day off").  She asked if I had thought about what day I'd like it to be... this is where I struggled.  I told her that I want to be home on Sundays to go to church.  I also reminded her that Sundays would be challenging for me to work.  I then back peddled on myself and told her that I'd be flexible and could possibly work the Sundays DH had off.

Sometimes I'm too flexible and dont look out for me first.  The upside is i'm dependable and willing to make things work.  The downside is i'm easily taken avantage of (because I let it happen).  I need to be better at asking for what I need and being specific.

The moral of the story is my DH agreed with my assertion that I couldn't work full time and be the mom I want to be.  My boss agreed to look into a way to make my outlook for my family work into my work schedule.  If I get three days home w. my baby I will be blessed as not everyone gets that opportunity.

Change

Its amazing to me how quickly my outlook can change.  One moment I'm blogging about being reduced by our situation and then I stubbled across a petition for making adoption more affordable.  In and of itself it did not change my outlook but I posted the link on my facebook page.  I asked people that we looking to support DH and I, could by signing the petition.  I'm sick of having the rebate/credit go year to year.  It makes our adoption plans shaky.  We will be able to adopt one child but without the rebate its going to be challenging to adopt baby #2.  A credit is better then nothing while no refund or credit would likely mean we would have an only child.  Its not right and its not fair.

Sharing the link made me feel like I was doing something but one response I received in particular made my day.  A friend from college e-mailed me telling me she had been considering adoption for her family.   What she will decide with her husband I don't know but the response I had to write was real but optimistic.  Adoption is expensive, potentially a very very long process, its heart breaking, and bigger then "getting" a baby.  Until you live the experience you never realize the process.  To outsiders it does look like one day you are a childless and the next you are not.  I did not focus on this aspect though but rather as a means to grow a family that guarantees a baby to love someday.

If you are interested please sign the petition here.

http://www.change.org/petitions/make-adoption-costs-fully-refundable-in-the-2012-2013-tax-years

Reduced?

I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.

- Maya Angelou


I found this quote on a friends facebook page today.  This weekend has been a little rough.  I took last Sunday off (my Monday) to go to Stowe.  A coworker had taken Friday off and then called in Sick Thursday.  I was the one asked to work Friday.  I have no ability to say "NO" so I had a one day weekend.


I'd like to chalk it up to no weekend but I've been cracking recently.  I have zero tolerance for people which really just isn't like me.  Monday I couldn't fall asleep because of my back pain and thoughts whirling in my head.  I went in to the room DH was in i'm not sure for what but suddenly just started to sob uncontrollably.  DH didn't have a clue as to what was going on.


I feel recently that I'm being reduced by our situation.  I am starting to lose faith in the process.  I grow more bitter each day and I'm disapointed with the person I'm becoming.  I know intelectually that I have control over my thoughts, emotions and actions but there is only so long that I feel that I can step up and live despite my sadness. 


I did have glimmers of happiness this weekend.  We went to our friends daughters two year old birthday party.  I also spoke with my little sister on the phone and when discussing summer plans she indicated that we should consider the possibility that we would have a baby with us. I had a harder time considering this possibility then she did.

Books

I got a copy of My Family, My Journey- A Baby Memory Book from my cousin for Christmas.  I unfortunately/fortunately already had this baby book.  A friend of mine had gotten it for me over the summer.  I actually already have it packed for the hospital so I know what pictures I'll need to take right away.  Its really nice because it is a baby book specifically for a baby that was adopted.  I have another book that I plan to put together for the birthmom called The Day You Were Born.  I will likely get two copies of that one so we have  a copy as well.  The Day you were Born is not an "adoption book" it will focus on the first hours with their birthmom and one thing I've learned by reading birthmom blogs is they all wish they had taken just a little more time with their babies the day they were born.  I hope I can get all the pictures the book requires but I think it would be a perfect birthmom gift (I'll write another post on birthparent gifts I have some mixed emotions on this one and well... too much of a tangent for this post).

So the books I exchanged the baby book for were:

Tell Me Again about the day I was born - I think the most well known adoption book and I've heard it highly recommended a few different places.  I'm looking forward to reading it.

Two Kinds of Love - A children's book based on the poem Legacy of an Adopted Child.   I fell in love with the poem the minute I read it.  If you look at the comments section of my post "Legacy of An Adopted Child there is a link to a woman who sought out the source of the poem apparently it was in Teen Magazine in the 80's written by a girl named Penny- who knows if this is true but the poem is perfect.  I actually like the poem so much I might frame it and hang it in the nursery.

The Day we Met You- know little about the book but it seemed nice and it fit the price range I needed.

I'll let you all know what I think about them once I get them.  I got a chance to buy a book for a friends daughter for her birthday.  I was so excited to read the book to DH who had never heard it before.  Books I read as a child still bring me excitement... Hungry Hungry Caterpillar, Caps for Sale, Anne of Green Gables (my dad would read this to us), Little House on the Prairie (my older sister loved these I could have done with out).  I honestly think one of the things I look forward to most starting from day one is read every night to my baby (I have books in the hospital bag :) ).  Children's books are so amazing.