I wish someone had told me that infertility wasn't just for "old" people. It doesn't happen just because you are "one of those women" who puts her career first and dries up. There is male infertility and female infertility both of which present their own set of challenges. There is also what is known as "unexplained infertility" as well as many specific diagnosis. No matter what "type": male, female, known, unknown; its all painful.
DH and I went for a few sessions of pre-marital counseling because our church did not provide it. The therapist asked us what our plans were if we had trouble with infertility. Lucky for us (so he said) we already knew we wanted adoption as part of our family planning of if infertility was a problem we would just adopt. We also knew IVF was not in our cards. Little did I know there were other options but having had that conversation in that therapists office even before the "I do's" we had somewhere to start from. The conversation gave us a starting place and a stopping place. At the time we knew there was a small chance (so we had been told) we would have trouble with infertility but we were young so we were told not to worry.
What I've learned from infertility is that fertility doctors will keep going, and keep taking your money until you say "I'm done." They work in their field to get women pregnant even when the odds are not good and they even succeed (sometimes you just have to drain your resources first). It has to be hard for them to say "I dont know that fertility treatments are your best option." The cost of one IVF treatment is 1/2 of our adoption fees. Until you have tried them all there is a chance to get pregnant for most but what are your odds? We were told12% a cycle. When you are speaking about something you most desperately want 12% sounds like good odds to me. I can't tell you how many times we were told "you are young!" As if that was an inoculation for infertility. We just had to try a little longer, a little harder, and do treatments.
I wish more people were educated on infertility. Every wedding or engagement I hear about I want to tell them to consider what they will do if they struggle with infertility. I don't typically but a few close friends I've made off handed comments. If you have the conversation but it's never needed nothing is lost. If you dont have the conversation and infertility rears its ugly head its heart breaking but you have a general map of how to proceed. There is pressure from family/friends and your medical team each with a different idea of what you should do. Ultimately its whats best the couple. We were likely conservative compared to most, but its what our hearts had told us was best for us even before we knew we were affected by infertility. Yes being young is your friend when you are trying to conceive but no one is ever too young for infertility.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Full Circle
Yesterday I woke up late and got cleaning right off. The bathroom was first followed by my first load of laundry. When DH woke up we went to breakfast together and then I went to get my hair cut. I went right to work for a few hours to make up for a sick day this week then home to clean.... so I have decided-
October 7th is officially my annual new clean like a mad woman day. A year ago I was preping for our home study visit. I did not clean on the 7th last year but rather in the week prior. Today's accomplishments- Laundry washed/folded- check, sheets changed- check, bathroom/kitchen cleaned- check, house vacuumed- check, floors mopped- check, dishes washed/put away- check, shower curtain washed and back to new- check, pets brushed, and summer clothes swapped with winter clothes. By no means is this close to the list I accomplished last year but the house feels good.
I know its not the best way to cope with feeling sad- but its something I have control over. I can keep my home clean I can't make a baby show up. There are worse ways to cope with sadness and stress.
October 7th is officially my annual new clean like a mad woman day. A year ago I was preping for our home study visit. I did not clean on the 7th last year but rather in the week prior. Today's accomplishments- Laundry washed/folded- check, sheets changed- check, bathroom/kitchen cleaned- check, house vacuumed- check, floors mopped- check, dishes washed/put away- check, shower curtain washed and back to new- check, pets brushed, and summer clothes swapped with winter clothes. By no means is this close to the list I accomplished last year but the house feels good.
I know its not the best way to cope with feeling sad- but its something I have control over. I can keep my home clean I can't make a baby show up. There are worse ways to cope with sadness and stress.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Dreams
Yesterday when I came into work my coworker told me she had a dream about me. When I pressed her she told me that it was about our baby. She told me that a baby named Bethany had been born, we had met her and she was our little girl! The strange thing is that we had a baby shower but Bethany's parents had changed their minds so at my baby shower there was no baby. A happy turn of events the birthparents had another change of heart and during the baby shower Bethany returned. I called her "Beth."
When she shared the dream with me I told her it was interesting that she would dream about our adoption because tomorrow would be one year of waiting. This coworker isn't one that has asked many questions except to ask if it would be OK to knit a blanket.
I don't talk about our infertility much on this page because that not what the blog is about. Not to say it doesn't make me sad. I would be fibbing if I said that I dont get angry especially when someone that is in ill health becomes pregnant. When she told me her dream I felt like the baby that was taken away was a baby that we could never create and the baby returned was our baby. No baby has ever been taken away from me. There never was a baby and we will never create a baby. Our baby will be placed in our arms by another woman who will trust us to parent her baby.
I looked back today on the blogs from last October. Two of them were posted on the 10th but the one about the home study was about October 7th the night of our home study and the night we were approved. Since our approval announcement to family, two birth announcements from my cousins have gone out; while we continue to wait.
A year ago I was glad that we finally were in a position to wait. I thought foolishly that the waiting would be the easy part. What could be harder then writing your parenting style and being fingerprinted (aka made to feel like a criminal)? At that time I felt like- at least we are waiting for something real versus the month after month cycle of failure. After a year of waiting I realize that at least when you are TTC (trying to conceive) there is something to do and you can work hard at failing. While we wait I have nothing to work hard at and I have no control. Many days I get by, by telling myself literally we could have a baby tomorrow or next week. It can't be much longer. What we do know is at some point we will have parenting sprung upon us with little to no warning.
No warning you say? Clearly we know it WILL happen but without the when its hard to psych yourself up to get things ready. I can't bring myself to read parenting books, or baby how to book's. I gave up on pumping for now because although those are things to do- there is no finish line. How many parenting books to I need to read to achieve the ability to parent? How much wasted milk to I have to produce to earn the right to feed a baby?
A year of waiting makes me wonder is our check list of "requirements" too picky? Is there something we said in our Dear Birthparents book that is causing us to be rejected? What about me is not good enough? I want numbers, statistics, facts. I want to know when or at least what we are doing wrong. The longer we wait the more I feel rejected. We know our book has been viewed but no one has picked us yet. I'm starting to feel like the last kid picked in gym class.
So I have gone back to why I started this blog in the first place. I started it to present our journey. To keep track of the hard parts knowing that when our baby arrives joy will melt our hearts and this struggle will be forgotten. It also has allowed me to connect with others and realize that my frustrations are not new- they are a shared experience called "waiting to adopt."
So my dream is as follows...
I get a phone call giving me the good news that a birthmom is due in one month. She has selected us and can't wait to meet us. I like every mother gets to share the exciting news with DH (as opposed to the other way around which only can happen with adoption). We create an open adoption plan for the birthday and for our baby's life. The birth is smooth for her and baby and we get to spend time together in the hospital. Baby comes home and becomes a toddler, who becomes a child, to a teen that like all children has his/her ups and downs. Our child will know about how they joined our family and why open adoption makes them special. I wish that s/he is strong willed (careful what you wish for-right), intelligent, self confident and always able to follow his/her dreams.
When she shared the dream with me I told her it was interesting that she would dream about our adoption because tomorrow would be one year of waiting. This coworker isn't one that has asked many questions except to ask if it would be OK to knit a blanket.
I don't talk about our infertility much on this page because that not what the blog is about. Not to say it doesn't make me sad. I would be fibbing if I said that I dont get angry especially when someone that is in ill health becomes pregnant. When she told me her dream I felt like the baby that was taken away was a baby that we could never create and the baby returned was our baby. No baby has ever been taken away from me. There never was a baby and we will never create a baby. Our baby will be placed in our arms by another woman who will trust us to parent her baby.
I looked back today on the blogs from last October. Two of them were posted on the 10th but the one about the home study was about October 7th the night of our home study and the night we were approved. Since our approval announcement to family, two birth announcements from my cousins have gone out; while we continue to wait.
A year ago I was glad that we finally were in a position to wait. I thought foolishly that the waiting would be the easy part. What could be harder then writing your parenting style and being fingerprinted (aka made to feel like a criminal)? At that time I felt like- at least we are waiting for something real versus the month after month cycle of failure. After a year of waiting I realize that at least when you are TTC (trying to conceive) there is something to do and you can work hard at failing. While we wait I have nothing to work hard at and I have no control. Many days I get by, by telling myself literally we could have a baby tomorrow or next week. It can't be much longer. What we do know is at some point we will have parenting sprung upon us with little to no warning.
No warning you say? Clearly we know it WILL happen but without the when its hard to psych yourself up to get things ready. I can't bring myself to read parenting books, or baby how to book's. I gave up on pumping for now because although those are things to do- there is no finish line. How many parenting books to I need to read to achieve the ability to parent? How much wasted milk to I have to produce to earn the right to feed a baby?
A year of waiting makes me wonder is our check list of "requirements" too picky? Is there something we said in our Dear Birthparents book that is causing us to be rejected? What about me is not good enough? I want numbers, statistics, facts. I want to know when or at least what we are doing wrong. The longer we wait the more I feel rejected. We know our book has been viewed but no one has picked us yet. I'm starting to feel like the last kid picked in gym class.
So I have gone back to why I started this blog in the first place. I started it to present our journey. To keep track of the hard parts knowing that when our baby arrives joy will melt our hearts and this struggle will be forgotten. It also has allowed me to connect with others and realize that my frustrations are not new- they are a shared experience called "waiting to adopt."
So my dream is as follows...
I get a phone call giving me the good news that a birthmom is due in one month. She has selected us and can't wait to meet us. I like every mother gets to share the exciting news with DH (as opposed to the other way around which only can happen with adoption). We create an open adoption plan for the birthday and for our baby's life. The birth is smooth for her and baby and we get to spend time together in the hospital. Baby comes home and becomes a toddler, who becomes a child, to a teen that like all children has his/her ups and downs. Our child will know about how they joined our family and why open adoption makes them special. I wish that s/he is strong willed (careful what you wish for-right), intelligent, self confident and always able to follow his/her dreams.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Open Adoption Roundtable
I am not sure where I heard of open adoption first. I have known about adoption since I was small I had many family members and friends who were adopted. All of them were foreign adoptions or through the foster care system. I've always wanted to adopt a baby even as a small child. My cousins and friends that were adopted were so special and amazing, unique and loved.
As a result adoption was always part of our original family plan though we are not following the script. DH had never considered adoption but I was able to convince him that I was willing to carry one child then we would build our family from adoption. (I want three kids DH only wants two... thats to be debated on another day). When we were unsuccessful at creating a child on our own we moved directly to adoption.
I think I had a slow exposure to open adoption so that when the agency presented open adoption I finally had a name to the experience. My experiences with my friends and cousins with closed adoptions seemed like something was missing. Juno and Teen Mom also had brought adoption to pop culture with varying levels of openness. The idea seemed neat to me and I know I spoke to my cousin that was adopted from foster care after watching Juno. He indicated that he didn't want to know anything more about his mom then he already knew from his case file.
When open adoption was presented to us I needed to help my husband understand why having interaction with the birthparents would be an amazing opportunity. Once the fears and questions are answered it seems like- why would you keep your child away from people that love them? It will help us raise our baby with double love and we will have real answers to real questions from the source. This isn't about family medical histories (you can get that from paper) this is about having a connection so the birthfamily knows their baby is loved, and our baby knows they are loved.
Our agency starts with the requirement of a meeting prior to placement and a meeting post placement with the birth family. Our state does not mandate that open adoption agreements be upheld which I feel is like kidnapping (why promise something you wont uphold). I hope that our birthfamily is open to meetings, I hope to set up skype, and online photo albums. I worry that our placement will be out of state which will mean that in person meetings might be less then once a year but my dream is at least yearly visits and frequent communication. I hope not to scare off our birthfamily!
Often after drug exposures, the idea of open adoption is what people "warn us" about. With any relationship there is always risk of breakdown- not everyone is compatible. We are not moving in with our birthparents we are establishing a relationship that is what is best for our children. If the best doctor in the world had the worst bedside mannor would you choose not to see him? Probably not. From what I have seen on other blogs; most open adoptions work because birthparents pick families that they relate to, and thus there is already a connection. I'm more worried about what I'll do the first time my baby gets a fever then I am about open adoption "horror stories."
http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2011/10/open-adoption-roundtable-30.html
As a result adoption was always part of our original family plan though we are not following the script. DH had never considered adoption but I was able to convince him that I was willing to carry one child then we would build our family from adoption. (I want three kids DH only wants two... thats to be debated on another day). When we were unsuccessful at creating a child on our own we moved directly to adoption.
I think I had a slow exposure to open adoption so that when the agency presented open adoption I finally had a name to the experience. My experiences with my friends and cousins with closed adoptions seemed like something was missing. Juno and Teen Mom also had brought adoption to pop culture with varying levels of openness. The idea seemed neat to me and I know I spoke to my cousin that was adopted from foster care after watching Juno. He indicated that he didn't want to know anything more about his mom then he already knew from his case file.
When open adoption was presented to us I needed to help my husband understand why having interaction with the birthparents would be an amazing opportunity. Once the fears and questions are answered it seems like- why would you keep your child away from people that love them? It will help us raise our baby with double love and we will have real answers to real questions from the source. This isn't about family medical histories (you can get that from paper) this is about having a connection so the birthfamily knows their baby is loved, and our baby knows they are loved.
Our agency starts with the requirement of a meeting prior to placement and a meeting post placement with the birth family. Our state does not mandate that open adoption agreements be upheld which I feel is like kidnapping (why promise something you wont uphold). I hope that our birthfamily is open to meetings, I hope to set up skype, and online photo albums. I worry that our placement will be out of state which will mean that in person meetings might be less then once a year but my dream is at least yearly visits and frequent communication. I hope not to scare off our birthfamily!
Often after drug exposures, the idea of open adoption is what people "warn us" about. With any relationship there is always risk of breakdown- not everyone is compatible. We are not moving in with our birthparents we are establishing a relationship that is what is best for our children. If the best doctor in the world had the worst bedside mannor would you choose not to see him? Probably not. From what I have seen on other blogs; most open adoptions work because birthparents pick families that they relate to, and thus there is already a connection. I'm more worried about what I'll do the first time my baby gets a fever then I am about open adoption "horror stories."
http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2011/10/open-adoption-roundtable-30.html
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
This is NOT a race
Every time I learn someone else i having a baby and even more so when I find out someone is having a second baby I tell myself "This is not a race." I then remind myself of all the positives to waiting for a baby- more financial security, a strong relationship with my husband, free time, maturity which comes with age and waiting. I also then feel a little guilty - am I in turn saying that my friends/family are not financially stable, that they dont have strong marriages, that they wish they had more free time, and that they are immature? Am I saying I'm going to be a better parent or that I'm better then them?
I feel like I can't cope with waiting without either being self righteous or envious. Neither of which feels good.
Tonight I found out on Facebook of all places that my cousin is having a second baby. (OK here I digress- WHY would you announce something like that on Facebook.... now granted she apparently e-mailed the family then ten minutes later posted on FB). At least tell family/close friends first then plaster it all over facebook. So why is she so special that she can have two babies while I still wait and wait and wait? At least she didnt' say anything about the baby being the third great-grandbaby like my other cousin did when he announced the impending arrival of great-grandbaby #2- thats a little presumptuous to say that I couldn't have my baby before. Now granted his wife had great-grandbaby #2 a few weeks ago while I continue to wait for my baby.
Have I mentioned recently that I sick of waiting? I know this is not a race but as one year of waiting is two days away and my 30th birthday inches closer it makes this wait stink even more.
I feel like I can't cope with waiting without either being self righteous or envious. Neither of which feels good.
Tonight I found out on Facebook of all places that my cousin is having a second baby. (OK here I digress- WHY would you announce something like that on Facebook.... now granted she apparently e-mailed the family then ten minutes later posted on FB). At least tell family/close friends first then plaster it all over facebook. So why is she so special that she can have two babies while I still wait and wait and wait? At least she didnt' say anything about the baby being the third great-grandbaby like my other cousin did when he announced the impending arrival of great-grandbaby #2- thats a little presumptuous to say that I couldn't have my baby before. Now granted his wife had great-grandbaby #2 a few weeks ago while I continue to wait for my baby.
Have I mentioned recently that I sick of waiting? I know this is not a race but as one year of waiting is two days away and my 30th birthday inches closer it makes this wait stink even more.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Went to a movie because I can
Decided at 5:30 that we were going to a movie tonight. Had dinner and went. No childcare arrangements needed. Just went. I'll be envious of my former self one day.
Prayer Book
I finally went to church after a LONG time away. I work Sunday-Thursday so going to church adds time onto the end of my day. So that meant today I was at work until 5:15 however it was well worth it and I need to remember to take that time for myself.
A year ago I put in our prayer book at church a "Joy" (all entries are titles joys or sorrows) that we had been approved as an adoptive family. We have another friend who has put us in their prayer book and a coworker that last week told me she was praying for us. I want to believe these prayers will work.
This year I was going to put down a sorrow when I realized that I still had my joy from last year. We are still waiting for a baby which means we WILL have a baby however I'm also sad we dont HAVE a baby yet. So I stood there with the book for a minute and decided to break the mold and put "Joy/Sorrow: Joy that we WILL have a baby soon. Sorrow we have not been matched yet after a year of waiting." When the minister read the Joy I heard a happy gasp behind me and when the sorrow was read I heard a sigh. The very next prayer though was a sorrow and made me realize that my prayer still is not truly a sorrow. The next prayer was for the niece of a parishioner that is 28 (a year younger then myself) that was just diagnosed with cancer. She has a 1 and a half year old baby. The prayer after mine put mine into perspective. I have my health, I have a home, I have a husband, just no baby YET.
So then...the Children's sermon was about when things are broken it is an opportunity to make something different out of the situation. I'm thinking THATS US! I have to say I often enjoy the children's sermons more then the adult sermons. Its so simple. A synopsis: a plate breaks and you take the broken pieces and turn it into a mosaic - too easy. I wish.
The adult sermon was about reflecting on your year and forgiving. The ironic thing was on my way into work that morning I thought that one of the things I needed to do to let my anger go was to forgive the family member that stated "People like you can have babies" when we told them we were adopting. Maybe I do need to forgive them- but does that mean I have to tell them they hurt me? The sermon went on to say that part of change and forgiveness is seeing the sweetness even in bitter situations. Its hard to find sweetness but when I really take a moment to reflect there is sweetness, and there is opportunity to forgive. As my mother always told me- "you can't control others, others cannot control you- you can only control yourself." By allowing things like that hurtful statement to eat at me for over a year I've allowed others to control me. As a result I have focused on the bitter and overlooked the sweetness.
Sweetness lies in the opportunity to have a better relationship with my DH. Sweetness lies in getting to paint my nursery and reupholster the rocking chair. Sweetness lies in knowing that someone is going to make us parents. Sweetness lies in knowing that I have a warm bed, a job, a warm marriage and the means to raise a baby. Sweetness also lies in a church that makes me realize that even in the bitter and sadness there is sweetness- and I need to take the time to reflect on that by going back to church more regularly.
So to end my month of songs... there is sweetness in my favorite part of church- singing my favorite hymns!
A year ago I put in our prayer book at church a "Joy" (all entries are titles joys or sorrows) that we had been approved as an adoptive family. We have another friend who has put us in their prayer book and a coworker that last week told me she was praying for us. I want to believe these prayers will work.
This year I was going to put down a sorrow when I realized that I still had my joy from last year. We are still waiting for a baby which means we WILL have a baby however I'm also sad we dont HAVE a baby yet. So I stood there with the book for a minute and decided to break the mold and put "Joy/Sorrow: Joy that we WILL have a baby soon. Sorrow we have not been matched yet after a year of waiting." When the minister read the Joy I heard a happy gasp behind me and when the sorrow was read I heard a sigh. The very next prayer though was a sorrow and made me realize that my prayer still is not truly a sorrow. The next prayer was for the niece of a parishioner that is 28 (a year younger then myself) that was just diagnosed with cancer. She has a 1 and a half year old baby. The prayer after mine put mine into perspective. I have my health, I have a home, I have a husband, just no baby YET.
So then...the Children's sermon was about when things are broken it is an opportunity to make something different out of the situation. I'm thinking THATS US! I have to say I often enjoy the children's sermons more then the adult sermons. Its so simple. A synopsis: a plate breaks and you take the broken pieces and turn it into a mosaic - too easy. I wish.
The adult sermon was about reflecting on your year and forgiving. The ironic thing was on my way into work that morning I thought that one of the things I needed to do to let my anger go was to forgive the family member that stated "People like you can have babies" when we told them we were adopting. Maybe I do need to forgive them- but does that mean I have to tell them they hurt me? The sermon went on to say that part of change and forgiveness is seeing the sweetness even in bitter situations. Its hard to find sweetness but when I really take a moment to reflect there is sweetness, and there is opportunity to forgive. As my mother always told me- "you can't control others, others cannot control you- you can only control yourself." By allowing things like that hurtful statement to eat at me for over a year I've allowed others to control me. As a result I have focused on the bitter and overlooked the sweetness.
Sweetness lies in the opportunity to have a better relationship with my DH. Sweetness lies in getting to paint my nursery and reupholster the rocking chair. Sweetness lies in knowing that someone is going to make us parents. Sweetness lies in knowing that I have a warm bed, a job, a warm marriage and the means to raise a baby. Sweetness also lies in a church that makes me realize that even in the bitter and sadness there is sweetness- and I need to take the time to reflect on that by going back to church more regularly.
So to end my month of songs... there is sweetness in my favorite part of church- singing my favorite hymns!
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