Disapointment

So this process is filled with disappointment. This is no new revolution however in the past few weeks we have been exposed to many disappointments.

On the 9th of February which is the Super Bowl Sunday that will live in infamy not because the Packers won but it was a sad day of many this month. We got our first "offer" I dont know what else to call it. I dont like the word "offer" because it sounds like a buying a car or house. We received information about a baby via a mass e-mail. It was mass e-mailed due to the fact that no one at our agency was a "match" for this kiddo. The baby was of mixed race (Hispanic and African American) in Maryland that was premature. There was no adoption plan in place but the two 19 year old parents had three children already and were not prepared to parent this baby due to the medical condition. DH called me at work to inform me of the email and started the conversation by saying "I don't think this is the baby for us but we received an e-mail..." then proceeded to tell me of the present condition. As a health care worker the baby sounded extremely healthy given how premature she was. I was ready to say "YES" I wanted to say "YES" but I also knew that the baby would need to stay in the NICU until the due date and since I have no FMLA yet this wouldn't be possible let alone the time after baby came home to work through the medical challenges. Intellectually I knew this was not the baby for us but it made me so sad to have to delete the e-mail.

To make matters worse we had about 20 people to prepare for as we were having a super bowl party. There were three babies and one pregnant lady at our party. The babies were all welcome- I want to be a parent because I enjoy children. Pregnant ladies I dont enjoy. This particular lady had challenges becoming pregnant and used IVF to become pregnant. Which is great for her. She is annoying because all of the things that she told me prior to her pregnancy that annoyed her about pregnant women- SHE FREAKIN DOES!!! It drives me crazy especially because she of anyone should understand what we are going through. As a gracious host as well as to keep me from bursting into tears I strategically was always in the opposite room she was in. I did have a blast playing with the kids and it did keep my mind of things strangely.

On a bright note (this is getting kinda depressing). I had explained to my friend (also my hairdresser) during my hair appointment the day prior that I was disappointed my mother-in-law had not gotten us anything for the baby for Christmas. I explained that when women are expecting during Christmas families usually buy stuff for the baby (because they are expecting). I got nothing not even an acknowledgment that maybe next year there would be a baby. Well when my friend came to the super bowl party she brought me a blanket and some chocolates. She told me that she "got it" and told me she was excited for us. I didn't vent to her in hopes that she would "get it" which kinda makes me feel bad. Though her "getting it" made me feel validated that my mother-in-law should "get it."

Three days after the superbowl party I was in a car accident. The car is totaled. I'm fine. The silver lining to my car being totaled is that we can start fresh and think of cars with the perspective of a car seat in mind. This is not really sad or happy news just inconvenient news that hopefully we can use to our benefit.

So to kind lighten the mood a little more. DH called his mother to explain to her that she could start getting us baby stuff whenever gift holidays came about. They got on the subject of baby showers and it sounds like she wants to have one. I need to take a deep breath and go on face value that she really didn't realize we literally are "expecting" at ANY minute.

Last but not least sad news I found out tonight that my cousin who got married a year after us is expecting. This just adds to the list of all the people that have been married after us that will have children before us. It just prompts me to say "Life is not fair!!" The news is not "official" however he posted a picture of what looked very much like a "baby car" when I looked at his profile someone had posted that they had heard the news and congratulated him on his wife expecting.... maybe she is just expecting a job promotion lol.

To end on a positive note because I'm feeling a little better. The biggest positive to having an "offer" we were unable to accept was it helped us realize all the things we need to do. We need a car seat because you cant leave the hospital without one. We need a plan for the pets in case we have to leave quickly. We need to communicate with our families about what we will need from them when the real offer comes in. We also have talked with my parents about starting a "loan account." At this point the money we have saved plus the tax rebate equals what we would need... but we dont get the tax rebate until next year. So having the loan up front so we can write a check when we need to will be important.

Wow that was a lot and I still have more to write about (day care tours, and legislative stuff)... but i'll save that for another day. Thanks for listening :)

support group

Tonight we attended our first adoption support group through our agency. Some agencies require attendance however ours due to geographical barriers does not. Tonights group was to update us on fees and the yearly update process. Fees did not go up however we will fall into the higher fee category as of July. Walking into the room I wanted to cry I can't put my finger on it but it just plain sucks to have to wait. It also may have been that the two other couples that were there when we arrived were about our same age and I kind of hold into hope that because we are young we will get picked faster.

My mother attended with us which is nice because she was visiting from out of state. I really appreciate her enthusiasm. I can understand why some people would want their families not to douse them with gifts at Christmas however I enjoy the fact that she sees herself as about to become a Grandmother for the first time. My Mother-in-law has yet to show any positive emotions towards the babies arrival. I guess its just not real to her yet.

three months of waiting

The 7th of January marked 3 months of waiting it also was the day we finished adding stripes to the green nursery! I love the way it turned out. I also have worked on upholstering the rocking chair which was fun but trying as I wanted it to look perfect. We have received a few e-mails from the agency letting us know that there are a few mothers who are in the process but not ready to look at books yet. I'm in a little calmer spot now, maybe i'm just getting used to waiting.

We went to a friends daughters first birthday party. It was a sad reminder that we have been waiting and wanting a baby longer then she has been alive. I did have a lot of fun playing with her though and was able to enjoy myself rather then being occupied by green envy.

Exciting news that the pumping is working!! My mother contacted a friend who is a lactation consultant (retired) about breastfeeding babies that are adopted. She has two grandchildren that were successfully breastfed who also were adopted which is good to know. She is sending me some information that will hopefully help. It sounds like she thinks it can be done without taking hormones which I am most interested in.

Happy New Year?

So i'm trying to stay positive while ringing in the new year. December 31st we spent the day painting the someday nursery green and in the next day or so i'll add the brown accents. It was fun, I like the color and its one less thing to be done. With the exception of the bathroom (slated to be completed in february), and our bedroom the house will be finished. I surprisingly was not too sad about the transformation of the room but more excited. I'll be happy to get to enjoy the room in the mean time.

At the same time I also rang in the new year with my doomed cycle. Nothing gets me more down then the obnoxious flow of hormones and period blood. So added to the annoyance is the reminder that another month has passed with no baby. At this poing we have tried longer then I was in graduate school which also means very soon we will have waited for almost half of our marriage for a baby. Its hard, life consuming, depressing, annoying, frustrating, spite inducing, and the list goes on each time my menstrual cycle rears its ugly head. It has in a way gotten easier but it continues to be a monthly reminder of whats just not in my cards again this month. I try to focus on the positives- more time to do things, save money, live flexibly, become more ready for the arrival of a huge responsibility. Unfortunately i'm not that great at convincing myself especially when I see others half as prepared doing a decent job at parenting (it pains me even to say that because i'd love to see them fail). When half of my month is consumed by my cycle it only leaves me half the month to somewhat forget and enjoy the freedom and free time. The other half of the month leaves me depressed, unmotivated, and wishing I didn't have to get up. So when people remind me of "all the time I have now" its really not a time saver to be childless when there is nothing more that I want then to be cleaning up spit up (remind me of this when that day comes :) )

breastfeeding101

So I found an unused breast pump online and have started to pump. I have scrounged the net to find out how to induce a milk supply. I'm already at a loss since I had a breast reduction about 10 years ago. There is limited info on the net. My basic understanding is that I can routinely pump until we get a match. At that point I need to pump every 2-3 hrs. I REALLy want to breastfeed and I'm worried um going to be disappointed.

On a side note during my internet search I read a site which basically equated an adoptive mother breast feeding to child molestation because the child is not biological... I was surprised but I guess I now am better prepaired for ignorance.

greatgrandma

Our baby will only have one great grandparent which is my grandmother on my fathers side. When we first started ttc it was just prior to DH only surviving grandparent his grandfather was diagnosed w bone cancer. Unfortunately he passed quickly and never knew our good news. Tonight I was able to tell my grandmother we were waiting for a baby to adopt. She was happy and wished that it would happen quickly though due to her dementia she won't recall the next time I talk w her. Infact she asked me tonight if I already had any children. She always wanted greargrandchildren and never made this a secret it just makes me sad that she won't be able to enjoy her wish as she only lives in her present moment in her present truth.

life must go on

Another month is about to pass. Two months down who knows how many more to go, but life must go on. This month is a little easier. My menstrual cycle definitely brings up stronger emotions. Tuesday night I watched 16 & pregnant before going to sleep. I had a dream that night that I wad pregnant and had been for three months I felt really stupid because I had not realised I was. I then at some point realized that I had my period. My dream was vague as to if it was a miscarriage or just my period.

I was surprised thanksgiving wad much easier then I expected. Last year I cried because I wanted to be pregnant. This year I know I'm just waiting for my call. The day after thanksgiving my in-laws and D.H. went to a tag sale at the retirement center my mother-in-law works for. I initially did not see anything that caught my eye until D.H. and I sat in the balcony. I found our nursery rocking chair. Lucky for me its cover is ugly because it was over looked... w a little tlc ill have the chair that I'm going to rock my baby to sleep in.

Other life choices are challenging to make while life goes on. We NEED to remodel our bathroom as we have a mold problem. However in terrified to pay for the remodel since I'm worried that we will get a match but have to pass our baby acre because we we paid for the remodel. The other hand it doesn't make sense to put life on hold for something that could be years. I also would never bath my child in our current bathroom..... so life must go on until we get the gift we are waiting for.