So i'm trying to stay positive while ringing in the new year. December 31st we spent the day painting the someday nursery green and in the next day or so i'll add the brown accents. It was fun, I like the color and its one less thing to be done. With the exception of the bathroom (slated to be completed in february), and our bedroom the house will be finished. I surprisingly was not too sad about the transformation of the room but more excited. I'll be happy to get to enjoy the room in the mean time.
At the same time I also rang in the new year with my doomed cycle. Nothing gets me more down then the obnoxious flow of hormones and period blood. So added to the annoyance is the reminder that another month has passed with no baby. At this poing we have tried longer then I was in graduate school which also means very soon we will have waited for almost half of our marriage for a baby. Its hard, life consuming, depressing, annoying, frustrating, spite inducing, and the list goes on each time my menstrual cycle rears its ugly head. It has in a way gotten easier but it continues to be a monthly reminder of whats just not in my cards again this month. I try to focus on the positives- more time to do things, save money, live flexibly, become more ready for the arrival of a huge responsibility. Unfortunately i'm not that great at convincing myself especially when I see others half as prepared doing a decent job at parenting (it pains me even to say that because i'd love to see them fail). When half of my month is consumed by my cycle it only leaves me half the month to somewhat forget and enjoy the freedom and free time. The other half of the month leaves me depressed, unmotivated, and wishing I didn't have to get up. So when people remind me of "all the time I have now" its really not a time saver to be childless when there is nothing more that I want then to be cleaning up spit up (remind me of this when that day comes :) )