Are You unable to have children?

Uneducated woman: Are You unable to have children?

Me: Actually I can we are adopting.

Uneducated woman: No I mean children of your own.

Me: NO we cannot have children biologically but we are adopting.

(Good Lord thats rude!!  I should have just repeated my first response).

Uneducated woman: How much does it cost?

Me: It depends since its income contingent.

(she noticed I was getting irritated I think)

Uneducated woman: I was just asking because my daughter has been trying to have a baby for 12 years.

(yeah.... right...)

So I sent it... No turning back now.

I e-mailed the letter out.  One round to my Dads family at about 3PM and another one about 15 minutes ago to my Moms family, our friends and DH's family.  So far I received one response.  It was from my younger sister who is actually the one that prompted the letter in the first place.  It was a very positive response and she told me that she knows we will make great parents.  I'm not sure what to expect, but I will let you all know!

Ironic

Last November I was debating when I should get baby stuff.  This November I have the crib.  Its all set up (and now needs to be taken down I just can't look at it).  I have a bag packed with a list of things that we would need to grab (cell phones, chargers, camera, clothes, pj's, money, credit card, car-seat, insurance cards, licenses, contacts, glasses, medications, and a gift for the birthmother).  I have all the diapers I need, a breast pump, tub, bottles, baby clothes, and sheets.  I think I have everything I need to hunker down for the first month.

DH will tell me its not ironic but just a fact... he never did like that song.

All joking aside- I'm seriously ready already!!

Adoption Friendly Language Letter

I have sent the letter out first to my cousins and aunts and uncles that grew their families with adoption.  The letter has not been sent and I'm open to comments/suggestions.

Dear Family and Friends,

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. During our last year of waiting we have had many wonderful conversations with family and friends. We also realize that adoption language is new to many of you. So we thought we would take the opportunity to talk about 'adoption friendly' language.

Each adoption is different and each family that grows with adoption is different. We also want to start to prepare you all for the arrival of our baby. Adoption is not something that we plan to keep a secret and we will openly discuss in our home. We hope that you can become comfortable discussing adoption as well to help reinforce that our baby will be special because s/he will have two sets of mothers and fathers that love them. Us and their birth parents (birth mother/birth father).

The birthparents will work with our agency to create an adoption plan. Parental rights will terminate 21 days after the birth. We will care for the baby during the 21 days during which the birthparents can decide not to continue with the adoption plan.  After termination of parental rights we become guardians and wait another five months approximately before we go to court to become parents. Birthparents do not “give up” their baby but rather “place” their child with us as it is a proactive choice they are making that is not easy.

The story of how the birth parents came to make an adoption plan as well as how our baby arrives in our arms is all part of our child’s adoption story. We want to share our child's story first with them which means that parts of the story will not be shared until our child is older. Each child's adoption story belongs to the child and is not ours to share.

We are excited that you will become aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and friends to our child on the day our baby is born. Our baby will be our son/daughter and your niece/nephew, cousin, grandchild, or friend. If you want to share our good news you can tell people we “have/had a baby” because kind of like a cookie you don't have to bake it to have it. Its a balance when sharing about adoption- the stranger in the grocery line doesn't need to know, but our close friends/family will know. The word adoption will never be a part of our introduction when introducing our baby to someone for the first time.  We ask that you use the same care when introducing our baby.  When in doubt leave it out (or ask us)!

If you are not sure how to ask a question or how to refer to something related to the adoption please ask. If you know other families that are touched by adoption ask them what language they would like you to use as this letter is what we feel is best for our family. Part of the reason we wanted to start the conversation now is we want everyone to be as comfortable and excited about our growing family as we are.

We continue to wait for our baby and are eager to become parents. We thank you all for supporting us through our wait.

How Adoption Has Changed Me... Part I

A few weeks ago a friend of mine informed me she had read my blog start to present.  She suggested that I should share the blog with more people because she gained so much from it.  So I decided to read my blog start to finish to reflect back and see how this process has changed me... for the positive and or negative as well as to help me determine if I should share my blog more openly. I call this Part I because I feel like I'll need to continue to reflect on how Adoption has changed me. Adoption will continue to change me, my family, and the people around me.

I think the biggest thing that has changed is my awareness of adoption around me.  Birthmothers and adoptive families are all around us.  We might not know who they are but they are around.  I have become more open about our plans to adopt as our wait continues.  Why should I not share?  I'm not ashamed of it.  It will be obvious when I never was pregnant and now have a baby.  Its not a secret and it never will be.  Our agency urges families to be cautious with sharing that they are waiting; however I feel like it continues the history of secrecy.  I have a co-worker that has been talking to be about the adoption frequently (not in a have you heard yet sort of way).  Another coworker pulled her aside and told her that maybe she shouldn't talk about it because she could be hurting my feelings.  I actually appreciated her talking to me about it.  I've learned so much about cloth diapers from her.  Its nice to be treated like an expectant mother.  The quieter I am about the topic the more it will be treated like a secret that shouldn't be shared.

In the past few months in connecting with Adoption Bloggers I have gained a better grasp on understanding Birthmothers. I just read a post tonight in which a birthmother reflected on her feelings on infertility since creating an adoption plan for her daughter. Her sentiments about infertility are my exact sentiments about unplanned pregnancies. When I was in high school girls from my school would become pregnant and I'd think "that sucks." I'd also think of all that they would have to give up to raise their babies. When I watched Juno, and Teen Mom (we were still TTC) I thought that stinks but it so selfless. Now I realize that the heart break I have is not for the same reason but is still just as real for birthmoms. Birthmothers do not create adoption plans because they don't love their children, they create adoption plans BECAUSE they love their children.  Are their other reasons?  Like creating better opportunities for their future as well.  Yes, but from what I have read and seen its because where they are presently wont allow for their children to have all that they want them to have.  Due to my new understanding I am a stronger advocate of saying yes the waiting period sucks for me, but its heart breaking for the birthmother.  She deserves an opportunity to make sure she has made the best decision for her baby.  Will I be scared the adoption plan could fall apart- Yes.  However I also know that when my heartbreak ends their hearts are breaking.

Adoption friendly language.  I'm working on it (in fact I have a post I've been working on).  I struggle with the language.  I read another post by someone that spoke of the differences between the use of the past/present lingo.  Five years from now "My baby was/is adopted."  I feel like both are relavant and it depends on context.  I take pause when speaking still to make sure I'm using the correct phrases.  Its not easy for me.  In trying to formulate a letter to my family I think I've realize that what is most important to me is that my baby is first and fore most a baby, a son/daughter, cousin, grandchild, friend, etc.  Unless adoption is the topic the discriptor shouldn't be used anyway.  I also think to what I have learned in my professional life as whats called person first language.  When discussing a persons disability you state the discriptor then the diagnosis for example it would be "The boy with autism" not the "autistic boy."  We are all people first then there are atributes that describe us.  Same with disabilities unless the diagnosis adds to the conversation it shouldn't be used as a discriptor.  So rather "The boy with autism is playing on the computer" it is "the boy is playing on the computer.

In reading back- I've said a few things that made me cringe in re-reading them.  I've grown in this roller coaster called waiting.  I have not removed a single post because this blog is a reflection of my journey.  I struggle with the idea of sharing this roller coaster with more people.  If I shared this blog with more people there are a few posts I'd have to take down or edit to eliminate self identification as my goal never was to chastise people.  I'm learning as are the people around me.  I am not perfect and neither are they.  Maybe I will share my blog just not yet.

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow I'm going to get up early and go into work. None of my residents are thrilled to be at our facility for the holiday. I'm going in extra early to have time to do a few more morning routines w people. I'm looking forward to being busy and helping others make lemonade out of their lemons. I'm always better at helping others look at their situation with optimism.

When I get home I'll make beds, a pie, and a salad. Then guests should arrive. I'll keep busy entertaining. At the end of the day I'll remind myself all that I am thankful for then go to bed praying that I don't have to do this again next year.

Surprising Out Comes

So I got to my In-Laws.  We had a nice dinner.  My MIL and I were chatting in the kitchen when she said "Come here I have to show you something."  She took me into the spare bedroom where there were four bags of baby stuff!

So you may think I got bought out of the conversation; however the excitement as she demonstrated while showing me all the stuff made me know that she is excited.  I think my idea I had the other day is accurate.  She needed to grieve our infertility- was she hurtful, yes; can I understand- I'll try.  She isn't all the way there yet.  When we had gotten home from shopping she interrupted a message being left of the answering machine.  She told the acquaintance that she had just been out shopping.  She stated that we were "shopping for my dtr-in-law thats waiting to adopt a baby."  *cough*  umm.... are we not shopping for your Grandchild?  At another point I said something about she could pick whichever outfit she wanted because she after all is the "Grandma to be"- comment was ignored.

At this point I think its more real to her then it ever was before.  Having been told by the agency that we were one of two families for a baby thats already been placed somehow made her realize that we are just a choice away from a baby.  I still feel she is distancing herself from the situation.

So on my way home I talked to my Mother telling her how everything went (she wasn't thrilled about me shopping with my MIL based on how wedding dress shopping had gone).  My Mom was impressed with her growth but also agreed with me that she seems to be not fully ready to accept her pending role as Grandma.  I then called my younger sister who also asked how the trip went.  When I described the above story my sister told me I was being too hard on her.  She also said I was too picky about adoption language.  When I told her for family I am because these are the people that need to make my child feel accepted.

In a nut shell I realize my MIL is not the only one that needs education.  So we are going to craft a letter to everyone (immediate and extended families) about adoption language.  I've tried the subtle approach and it doesn't seem to work so I'm going direct!

Just a little fun/depressing fact... the Linen's & Things (which is out of business) where DH and I registered is now the Babies R Us we went shopping at this weekend.

A truly fun fact- I have picked out a crib, bought a mattress, and have every item on the list you all helped me come up with!! (I got a baby tub as well).