Fake It Until You Make It

From the draft box-  I wrote this post just days before we learned of baby girl.  I never had a chance to post it.  I never did have that follow up MD appt to check my blood pressure (though the stress of PA I probably could have used it).  Its interesting to read this post now that I've completed the process.  I have been planning on but have not yet had time to write a post to reflect on my lactation experience.  To sum it all up in two sentences- I'm glad I induced lactation the best I could given the circumstances.  Had I chosen not to try I think I would have forever wondered what it would have been like if I had.  Oh and now I think I could write a post with the same title about parenting :)  So here is the post in unedited form:

Fake it Until You Make it- January 27, 2012

One of my Occupational Therapy professors told us before we went out on our field work placements (aka clinicals) to "fake it until you make it."  When we were about to graduate and were terrified that someone would pay us to work in the "real world" he again reminded us to "fake it until we make it."  In hind sight I think he was telling us to fake our confidence and that we knew a great deal more then we gave ourselves credit for.  Until you have practice with your expertise its hard to have that confidence.

I recently started getting hits from Adoptive Families website.  I thought it was weird at first and then it kept happening.  I finally went to the website and searched TTA to see what came up.  On the Adoptive Families Communities website someone asked about Establishing Milk Supply.  Someone commented that I was a waiting mother and I was working on establishing a milk supply.  I felt like the post upped the expectation.  I panicked!  I'm not an expert!  I am just some mom to be that wants to breastfeed their baby.  Will it work I dont know but the tenderness of my breast are any indication I'm expecting some sort of results.  I can only follow the protocol and hope for the best.  At worst I'll know I tried and well... thats all we can do as parents- right?

One insight I think I can give is that remembering to take meds 4x's daily is hard.  So here are the strategies I've come up with.  My pill box sits on the sink between the edge of the sink and the basin I can't do anything at the sink without reaching over them so that takes care of my AM med.  When I get to work I write on the top of my coffee cup meds so when I finish my coffee at lunch time I dont forget (yes- I drink the cold coffee I can't finish in the morning w my lunch).  My 4PM one is at the sink again when I get home and change out of my uniform.  I also have added a reminder on my phone for this one since I dont always go straight home.  8PM I have a reminder that goes off on my phone.

So here I am faking it until I make it.  I have expertise in my experience of going to the doctor and getting the prescription, and I have expertise in remembering to take the meds in 6 weeks i've missed two pills.  In two weeks I go back to the doctor to check my blood pressure (which I've been doing at work as well w no problems so far).  I do hope that once the protocol is complete and baby is in hands I'll be able to shed real light on the process.  Until then I'll keep taking my 4x daily snack.

Paying it Forward

My cousin contacted me a few weeks ago saying that a friend was struggling with infertility and was looking into adoption.  I gave her the information she requested and then told her that she can call if she wants.  I just got off the phone with her.  We both cried over her struggles (though I'm not sure she knew my sniffles were not a cold).  I hope I helped but it was really nice to feel like I could pay it forward.

I've been extremely private about our infertility.  I am sure some people think we adopted just because.  I'm sure most people had no clue we were going to adopt or struggled with infertility.  I struggle with sharing because in some ways I dont think its anyones business that we struggled with infertility.  I also feel like people will judge us- thinking whats wrong with them or feel badly for us.  I learned quickly when we started to realize that something (we still dont know what) was wrong not to share because everyone has advice- most of that advice was unhelpful and hurt more then it helped.  I honestly have started to believe that some people are just meant to adopt.  Its ironic that DH and I already had planned adoption as part of our family plan even prior to knowing we had trouble with infertility.

It would have been nice to have a real person that had been down my path.  Blogging was my escape and my place to find people that related.  I couldn't have made this journey without my blog.  I however never could receive a hug via my computer.  It would have been nice to have a real person that lived my experience.  Unfortunately people have to be willing to discuss infertility in order for people to connect and gain support- I'm sure a lot of people assume now since we adopted that we had infertility trouble and maybe I'll get more connections to allow me to be that support person I never had.  I still am not sure though I'm willing to out myself.  Maybe someday I'll feel comfortable shouting it from the hill tops:  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME EXCEPT MY INABILITY TO BECOME PREGNANT AND THATS OK!

As an aside I dropped the hospital grade pump off at the lactation consultant today.  I cried the whole way there and the whole way home.  Its such a bitter sward- part of me still wants to continue.  I have found it easier to focus on her latching on now that I'm not occupied with pumping.  My DH has been so sweet and keeps telling me I've tried harder then most people would have but I'm not used to achieving the highest standards.  Infertility I guess still hasn't fully taught me that the alternative can be just as beautiful as the main stream.

Change of direction

So I gave it a month plus 10 days.  I'm done pumping.  My nipples are raw, after pumpting they turn purple then white- and they feel like they are on fire.  I described it to DH as putting a fork in an electrical socket- you know exactly whats going to happen and its going to hurt.  I was getting an ounce until last weekend when my supply started to drop off.  Today I pumped at got 5ml!!

So I'm not giving up I'm changing my focus.  I've decided to focus more on getting her to latch on without the nipple shield.  At this point I can get her to latch on with the shield because it protrudes and feels more like a bottle nipple.  My goal is to be able to use the supplemental feeder with formula at the breast.  She will get some breast milk but I wont have to pump five times a day.

This wasn't an easy decision.  I've cried over it because I feel like I failed.  I knew it would be challenging because of my previous reduction surgery.  To complicate things I didn't have time to complete the longer protocol.  My neighbor was successful in obtaining a fully supply but I have to remind myself that she also lactated in the past with her first child who is a biological child.  I wasn't able to put her directly to breast until this month due to her health concerns and now that its finally behind us I'm so happy to have a healthy baby I'm just sad I wont be able to provide her with the gift I desired to give her.

I have to remind myself that I'm changing directions.  She will still get to bond with me using the supplemental feeder.  I will continue to take the herbs but not the Domperidone.  I believe she will get some breast milk maybe a ml?  I know that people raise healthy babies with formula and I can't say I didn't try my hardest. I also know that with the time I was spending pumping I'll be able to focus my efforts on getting her to latch on without it being a miserable experience for both of us.

As an aside I was bottle feeding baby girl at the gym in the locker room and an older woman first scolded me for bring her to the pool so young then asked if I breastfed at all.  It reminded me how much of an impact someone can have with a quick 1 minute conversation.  We all are so judgmental and I know my former self would have looked at a woman bottle feeding and think- doesn't she know breast is best?  (I however would have NEVER said anything though).  Breast may be best but there are so many reasons even for women that had children biologically are physically unable to produce what is best.  That is when we have to accept this inability and move on to the best we can do and for me thats using organic formula in the supplemental feeder and loving baby girl to death.

spilled milk

Who ever came up w the saying "don't cry over spilled milk.". Was never a pumping mom. I'm producing 20-30 ml per day now meaning I achieved my 1oz goal. Yesterday I spilled almost half my yield. Once I start to put her to breast more ill likely stop pumping. It's exhausting and sometimes discouraging. The neurodevelopmentalist on Friday was encouraging and applauded my efforts. That validation helped as I cried over spilled milk.

Milk Supply Increases

My milk supply has slowly increased. In addition to the herbs I've been eating oatmeal every morning. I am trying really hard at increasing my fluids (this is a genearl bad habit). I produce 1-3mL per side so a total of 2-5mL per pumping session. This comes out to almost .5oz when three pumping sessions are combined. My goal is by the end of the month to be making 1 oz. That is my threshold. At that point we will hopefully have a better latch and I'm OK with using the Supplemental Feeder at the breast and she will get whatever dribbles out with the formula providing her primary sustenance. Every night during the over night pumping I question why I'm doing this and then I get to feed her the success I've had and I'm reminded. Will it be enough to provide immune support I dont know but what I was clear about from the start was I at least had to try.

Lactation Consult

I go in for our lactation consult tomorrow morning. I have been getting more milk but i'm up to about a 1/2 teaspoon per pump though I'm seeing positive changes. It looks like we wont be able to breastfeed directly. I'm glad my physician had the conversation w me from the start differentiating between lactation and breastfeeding. I'd love to breastfeed but what my primary goal was to provide her with breast milk. If my output doesn't increase I dont know how motivated i'll stay since night time is the highest yield and i'm exhausted. I'll keep you posted... I am about half way done with our coming home post.

Everyone is doing well. She had her first visit with DH's parents this weekend and she Skyped with both of my sisters tonight.

Off to pump :)

first taste of milk

I've been pumping every 3-4 hrs during the day and one time over night. I'm fuller in my breast. Last night I was getting tiny drops of clear fluid which I put on a nuk. Today I got a milky fluid which was enough for me to pour it from the pump into her mouth. She was startled by the fluid but once she tasted it she smiled.

Last night while doing kangaroo care (which I had not been able to do at the hospital) she latched on for about one breath, suck, swallow before she got mad because it wasn't what she expected. She slept 3 hrs past her feed time all snuggled and naked on my chest.

I weighed myself yesterday am and had lost 10lbs!! I focused on drinking lots of fluids which I had been unable to do in the Nicu as no beverages were allowed. Ive gained about 5 lbs back. I wonder if the backward slide in size was due to dehydration. I'm hopeful and will keep you all posted.

lactation

WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT
Some of you follow because I'm attempting to induce lactation. I had significant changes which required nursing bras. Since I'm.unable to breastfeed at the hospital I've continued the protocol. Since bmom still is making the medical decisions and how baby girl is fed is part of her medical treatment I would have to get permission from.the bmom. I don't think bmom would allow it and so I have not asked. Bmom did not breastfeed any of her children.

Since arriving the changes in my breasts have reversed themselves. I no longer need the nursing bras. I believe the stress of being in the NICU in combination w the bparent drama as caused this. The last two days I felt feverish and cramped. They grew in intensity and believed aunt flow was sion to arrive. I went for a walk after dinner since that sometimes helps my cramping I suddenly felt two gushes. I was blessed to have a walgreens right there so I got feminine products. GRAPHIC CONTENT.... Not only was there a large amount of blood but also a mass of tissue. I called the doctor who finally called me back. She indicated that when someone does not have there period for months that what I experienced can happen. I thought twice about posting this but the experience was traumatic for me. It also is a.side effect that I have not read about nor did my doctor tell me about it.

I am continuing the protocol and will attempt to pump once I'm.home. I'm not optimistic. Although this is important to me I've said from the start that all I can do is try. If I fail its not due to a lack of trying. I will be sad but there is nothing I can do. Baby girl is loved no less if I have to continue to give her formula.

Encouragement

Today I had a really nice conversation with my neighbor who induced lactation using the short version of the protocol I'm using.  We have played phone tag for a while and finally chatted!  She had a friend who has a lactaid that she is going to loan me.  The lactaid can be used by anyone and is known as a supplemental feeder.  The baby is at breast and the lactaid has a small tube that ends at the nipple so when they suckle they are drawing milk from the lactaid and possibly from the breast as well.  In my case I hope to only need the lactaid initially but I'll do what I need to do to feed my baby.  The funny thing is last weekend I almost bought one but didn't.  They are a little pricey but you can get them with a prescription and then its a medical expense.

She answered my questions about her experience with the medication, supplements she used, and formula.  She has similar beliefs as I do about formula which is why she chose to and I am choosing to induce lactation.  Besides the health benefits to breast milk I'm also leery of the health effects of soy.  Anything in moderation is good but to feed a baby only soy based products seems like a poor health choice.  She provided me with a cookbook that had a homemade formula that she started to use w her baby when he was six months.  She also shared her experience of getting only 1 oz per day initially!!  She used the fast track and i'm using the long method so we shall see if I have better luck initially.

Before speaking with her I had sketched the mural that I'd conceptualized over a year ago.  I had planned on maybe finishing it at some point this week.  Her encouragement carried over to the rest of my day.  I worked for the rest of the day on the mural.  Besides a last coat of paint on the leaves and some shading of the tree trunk... my fall tree is done!  It stands about 6 ft tall and I LOVE it.  I think I was in part terrified of drawing on the walls... now I can't wait to paint on the walls again!!  In honor of my success I am going to attach my first picture for my blog :)  The picture is a few coats back but it will give you the idea of what it looks like.

I was telling my mom that I hope I'm not sending out fall baby vibes because I can't wait that long.

Protocol update

Almost three weeks in and my spotting as ended!! No aunt flow until after baby arrives (or 6 months which ever comes first). My breast hurt. In my middle school the boys had a game they thought was funny which was to bump into your chest "accidentally" to make your chest hurt. Thats how I feel now. Its not as bad as they were initially but still sore.

I called the MD about decreasing the mg's from 20 4x's daily to 10 4x's daily she said dont change a thing. She will see me again in February to make sure my blood pressure is good but I've been monitoring it at work on my own. I might be slightly elevated compared to my "norm" but I've also never checked my BP at work so it could just be work stressing me out. I normally run a low BP so a little higher isn't a bad thing.

I still have only missed the one pill. There have been a few days that my schedule has been off a little because of staying late at work or sleeping in but nothing too drastic. I need to call my neighbor about her experience but always seem to call her after 8 when her kiddos are in bed.

Protocol

If you are a TMI kinda person you may want to just skip down to the next post... but if you want to hear about how to protocol is going- read on :)

So I've still only missed one pill which is good for me given that I feel like I'm snacking on pills every few hours.  I also now can relate to my patients on a whole new level.  They get these little cups full of pills it seems like constantly.  I've come up with a few new strategies for remembering meds.  My pill box sits right on the edge of the sink so I can't miss it in the AM.  I also make sure that when I have lunch my pills are the first thing I "eat."  At the In-Laws house this weekend it was a little challenging because my routine was really different.

So hows it going?  I'm sore and big.  So I guess its working.  I'm going to call the MD tomorrow to find out if she really wants me on the 20mg 4x's daily because I have not been on the 20mg 4x's daily for even a week yet and well... I'm big and sore.  I also continue to bleed which is annoying.  I got new bras today- how come no one has ever told me how comfortable nursing bras are!!  I think I might never switch out of them.I figured if I'm bigger and my bra's are expensive either way might as well get nursing bras though I may still get bigger so I only got two of them.  $84.00!!!!!

I love the bra store I go to.  Its a small shop owned by a really nice woman that LOVES helping women with their bras.  I was a little nervous going in asking for nursing bras.  The woman kept looking at my belly then up at me with a confused look on her face.  She finally asked when I was due and when I told her I didn't know because we were adopting she didn't skip a beat because she started to ask about how much my breast had changed.  My guess is she has had other women induce or she is just that awesome.  She also suggested that since I'm getting bigger fast that I start wearing support at night she said it would reduce the soreness and reduce the chances of "saggy" boobs.  

I Wish You Could Understand

Until you experience something personally you never fully understand.  I don't want people to understand what we are going through in a way because I'd never wish Infertility on someone else.  As to truly understand you have to live it.  I guess from my post on Sunday there also is evidence that you can live something and then deny the experience.

Last week I was discussing the protocol with my mother and how though I'd love to avoid taking the hormones I just couldn't do it the other way.  The risks of taking any medication should be weighed and I feel and my doctor feels I'm healthy enough to complete the regimen  (there is a risk of A-fib and increased blood pressure).  She told me she wasn't sure it was a good idea but also trusted my opinion and knew that I had researched the protocol.  At some point I snapped at her "You know you really are not in a place to give advice."  She asked what I meant by that and I told her that as someone that could just decide when she wanted her next baby and it happened she really couldn't speak to my situation.  She also could choose if she wanted to bottle/breast feed.

I received a card this weekend from her telling me that its true she doesn't understand and that she will try to be better at just listening.  I do value her opinion which is why I talk to her but as I get older I don't always want her advice sometimes I just want an ear to listen.  I do have the best Mom.

One of the reasons I think I write this blog is to have a place where I'm able to put forth my thoughts and receive no direction back.  Often when I talk to my husband/mother/friends I'm not looking for advice I'm looking for someone to understand.  To just hear me.

I think this journey has helped me become better at my job.  I've never broken my hip, I've never been fully dependent, or in fear of not being able to return home.  Sometimes not going home but moving to assisted living or a nursing home is the safest choice.  Having someone just listen about why you are scared is far more beneficial then someone laying out the facts as to why  you shouldn't go home.

P.S.
Protocol is going well I'm less nauseated in the morning and its gone within an hour.  When the nausea waves over me I remind myself its just the medication, take a deep breath and try to ignore it.  In four days I've forgotten 1 pill which isn't bad.  I'm definitely seeing changes.

Oh boy

I promise not to blog on every day of the protocol... but this morning I felt like crap! I never have experienced morning sickness but if I were to imagine what it felt like... thats exactly how I'd describe it. I sat on the bathroom floor this morning trying to convince myself that I had no fever and I HAD to get up and go to work because otherwise I'd have to work Friday. Brushing my teeth, taking my AM pill, and even the thought of food brought the potential of hugging the toilet. We did go to a christmas party last night but I by no means drank enough to warent this morning. UGH!

We went to a party last night that I was looking forward to but dreading all at once. I love the host, her husband and daughter. I love our common friends... but there is one person in particular that just makes our situation challenging. There are two types of people - people who take challenges, over come them and realize where they came from; then there are those that over come challenges and think they are better then others because of where they are now. This woman is the latter. She struggled with infertility. She actually had a blog I followed for a while. We had a lot in common. Baby announcements, ultrasound pictures on facebook, an over abundance of baby pictures of facebook (who doesn't post picture of there kids but there is a limit), ect were things that hurt her. She is now all that and then some. She has never once said anything about our adoption to me... she has only thrust her baby at me and asked if I want to hold it. She also talks baby talk which drives me CRAZY! I also get the sense that because she chose infertility treatments she some how feels her path is "better." It makes me sad in part because I know where she came from. I know her lows and I'm happy for her highs, but I wish she was more cognizant of her past. Its a good reminder though that when our buba comes that I cannot be that woman.

I want to be the woman that can support other women through there infertility (and hopefully their births/babies). If adoption becomes the plan I hope I can remember this part of my journey as well. I hope that since our LLL has never supported and adoptive mother through inducing lactation that I can help women with that as well. I want my experience to be a story of hope, joy and love.

protcol day 1

I started the med protocol today. Remembering pills 4xs a day is going to be my biggest challenge. Since I do not take any medication normally. The funny thing is part of my job is to make sure my patients remember to take their medications after they go home. So I'll be using a few of my strategies until I have it in my routine. I've stored a few in my purse so if I'm out and forgot I can take them. I also am going to have to take them each day at work. I'll keep you all posted on how its working.

As an aside we went Christmas shopping today. I had to keep myself from going baby shopping crazy. I can't wait to buy Christmas presents for my baby!

Can't Complain

The order for the medication has been placed to start creating it.  It should be complete by 4PM tomorrow and will cost $160 which is a 5 week supply of the medication.  Insurance does not cover the medication; however we have a health savings account I plan to use.  I could get it from a foreign country but that would be illegal.  She also put the prescription in for 20mg 4x daily after the first week but had verbally told me that she was thinking 10 would be sufficient given my small size.  After the first week I'll have to re-evaluate.  If the 10 is sufficient then the 5 week supply turns into 10 weeks which makes the protocol far more reasonable.

We have good insurance since my DH works for a municipality (funny thing is I work in health care and my insurance sucks)... but thats another blog.  We met our deductible this year because I participated in a medical research study on infertility so the many tests were submitted as paid to our insurance company.  So when I went to pick up the birth control medication for the protocol I didn't have to pay a dime.... on top of that my doctor ordered the medication as a 90day supply so I wont have to go back until March at which point our deductible will have reset and I'll have to pay again but in the grand scheme of things I'm lucky to have such great insurance.  Say I had a $15 copay on the medication that would have been an additional $60 for the protocol.

Its a blessing to have insurance we dont have to worry about.  Tonight I'm going in for an MRI of my back and because our deductible is met we wont pay a dime (now our deductible is high, but DH's employer pays towards the deductible).

If you dont have anything nice to say...

... dont say anything at all.

My moms version of that growing up was unless you are going to help fix the problem don't complain.  In our house you could gripe but you had to be able to fix it.  So I debate....

Am I griping for gripe sake or am I fixing it?

Problem 1- We can't grow a baby...
Solution: Adopt a baby...

but its complicated!!  With adoption there is the ethics of adoption (am I helping or hurting or both).  Is my agency really doing everything they say they are (for the birthparents, the baby, and us)?  Can I get people to understand and support us?  Will my child understand the decision we made and think it was right?  Will the birthmother after parental rights are terminated continue to think it was what was best for her?  At times I think adoption can be just as controversial as abortion and IVF but thats a different post.

Problem 2- I can't just start breast feeding
Solution: Medications...

but its complicated!!  The medications are hormones are hormones exactly what we are trying to avoid consuming in our food/drink?  Will there be long term consequences?  Will people think I'm trying to be like "other mothers"?  (on top of the fact that the doctor just finally called in the scripts so I wont get the medication for another week because the pharmacy has to make the medication- I still dont know how much its going to cost but I'm ready for a BIG #... I'm going to keep myself from going on a rant but really?!  Almost a week later and it only got done because I called!).

Problem 3- The protocol doesn't work if you dont have a due date
Solution: Formula or purchase breast milk from an unknown mom...

but its complicated!  Its recommended babies get colostrum (the first milk which in my case will have hormones) and be breast fed for the first 6 months (my milk wont come in for about a month).  Formula is an option but not my first- its never killed a baby it just is my preference not to use it.  The alternative means trusting another mother.  DH asked how I didn't know if the woman was inducing lactation as well... what medications is she taking... what is her diet like- again I'm putting my trust in another woman I have never met to help my "dream" of motherhood come true.  Maybe I'm just too much of a dreamer and need to settle?

Problem 4- I have no clue as to when baby will arrive
Solution: prepare...

Done that- I'm ready already!  The room looks like a nursery/office but I'm ready to take my stuff out whenever needed.

I feel like with every rant I go on I've at least explored my options... am working towards a solution but in none of these scenarios are the solutions ideal.  How often in life though is the solution truly perfect?  I know baby will arrive and I'll be faced with a new set of problems/solutions.

Thank you all for your kind words on my blog, by phone, or in person.  I wish it wasn't so but it's nice to know I have people who understand.

... and now I'm 30

I didn't sleep well last night.  I got an e-mail from the NE Milk Bank which informed me that as long as I had a prescription from a doctors I could order from them (good news right).  The area that I live in is very "pro" breastfeeding and if my pediatrician wasn't supportive I'd find one that was.  So here is the clincher- $4.50 PER OUNCE!!!  I think since we would have a prescription we could use our health savings account but assuming that a new born drinks 24 ounces of milk in a 24 hour period thats $108 per day, and $3240 per month!  So my plan is to breast feed but I have no idea how much I'll produce and since I had a breast reduction surgery about 10 years ago if they even "work."  The idea is that I'd hopefully only need one month but who knows.

I got an e-mail from Le Leche League as well yesterday which was semi positive.  She indicated she knew no one in the area that had induced lactation, and did not know anyone that had used any of the adaptive  breastfeeding techniques.  She did offer a 5 french gauge feeding tube that I could have which is a cheaper form of the at breast systems that you can purchase.  I had seen it during my research but was not sure of the gauge so that was helpful.  Essentially the feeding tube is a straw and each time they suck the milk is drawn into the tube.  She also invited me to the next group which since its during the work week in the middle of the day I don't know that I can go, on top of I dont know if I can watch a bunch of women breast feed.  She also said that she knew of women that shared milk informally but was unable to assist in establishing that connection.  Which I get.  

So I sobbed.  I think DH thought it was because of my impending birthday which I honestly think was a small part of it but really I just feel like the cards are stacked against us on top of I'm sick of waiting.  Anything we want or need that women who give birth just get naturally I have to fight for my baby to get or they just plain dont get.  Examples: biological baby insurance pays for all medical visits/ We have adoption fees LOTS of adoption fees; biological baby mothers can choose to breast feed/ I have to pay for medication out of pocket to induce lactation; biological mothers can choose to formula feed their babies/ I have no choice unless I want to pay 4.50 an OUNCE!; biological mothers (at my job) get paid maternity leave/I get unpaid maternity leave; biological mothers know their baby is theirs/I have to wait 21 days to make sure my baby stays; biological mothers get 9 mother to prepare/ I get an eternity.  Most of the above list really doesn't matter.  I want to be a parent, but I also like every mother want what is best for my baby and I strongly feel like breastfeeding is one of those things.  All I have to say is with all this effort I don't know how I'll handel the disappointment if this doesn't work.

So after I got all the crying out I googled "where to buy breast milk" guess what its legal!  For $1-2.50 an ounce you can buy breast milk from mothers who are over producing.  Will I do it?  I have no idea.  Honestly my plan is the day I get the phone call is to post on FB and ask people to ask people.  Am I crazy?  Yes probably but only crazy in a I want what is best for my baby sort of way.  So I didn't get to sleep until 11 PM so I was tired today.

That set me up for a bad day generally.  My work schedule was messed up (which it shouldn't have been because I posted my schedule last week Wednesday), I had to present to a bunch of med students (that literally were falling asleep), and then as I was about to leave the building I got a page (I was dumb and answered it) and it was someone asking me to come to the front office because the state wanted to ask me about a patient I had cared for.  Once I was home my day was much smoother but I've decided I will never work on my birthday ever again!! 

DH made me dinner, I took the dog for a walk, we watched Everything Must Go, I got my blender that I've been wanting forever, and I had cake.  So in the grand scheme of things 30 isn't bad.

Oh and I almost forgot to mention- I got my new drivers license.  When the lady asked me if I wanted a 2 or 4 year renewal I told her it depended on how good the picture was.  She promised 4 year quality and she delivered.  I am not ashamed to show my license anymore!!

Breast Feeding Consult

I went to the OBGYN office for the first time in almost two years. The woman that I used to see no longer works in the practice so I was scheduled with someone new. It was strange to be back. The woman took me back skipping taking my weight and did a half hearted job at taking my blood pressure (lets just say I'm positive it wasn't accurate I work in health care but it was really just a formality). There is nothing like going into an OBGYN office to remind you of what never will happen for us. So she gave me the bathroom is here if you need it line (which she gave out of habit because women who are pregnant's bladders are always in need of a bathroom), she left the room, and I proceeded to burst into tears.

While we waited I convinced DH to talk about boy names w me. We had picked a boys name while we were on vacation in FL in April of 2009. Then about a year ago DH decided he didn't like it anymore and suggested a different name which I liked but didn't love. We couldn't agree on anything. I like names with optional nick names but have a formal full name i.e. Francis-Frank/Fran. DH seems to like names that are simple but you can't make into nick names or they are nick names in in of themselves i.e. he would pick Bob as a name rather then Robert. We just didn't agree, but it at least kept my mind busy and positive. **None of these names listed are options**

When the doctor finally came in she was helpful. I had all my questions answered and she seemed interested in helping us. She had the protocol in hand which I already had (You can find it here). She said she had used the protocol before however whenever she had done it she had used the short protocol and none of the women ever got a full supply.  She recommended using less of the domperidone since I am not a large person. She suggested that we use the New England Milk Bank for milk for our babies first month as we wont likely have warning before the baby comes. She also suggested looking around for someone locally that might be willing to help us with milk for the first month. So I will try to get a prescription for the milk bank from the pediatrician's office. I also will contact LeLeche League to figure out resources in our area.

Monday the medication should come in and then we find out how much this is going to cost. I have no idea if insurance will cover it but honestly I dont really care.

Part of the protocol requires me to start on birth control pills which I have not taken in almost three years now.  I think for DH starting back on BC is a reality check that adoption is our plan (I made him come with me and I'm glad I did).  We have unexplained infertility, when we give our "profiles" to a doctor each and every one has said that doesn't make sense you should be able to get pregnant (she even freakin said that today).  The thing is though there is "should" and then there is reality.  There is nothing more we could have done- we tried stressing/charting, we tried "relaxing," we tried medication, we tried not trying, we tried acupuncture, we tried everything.  Starting birthcontrol again though means we have 110% stopped trying.  It is that important to me to breastfeed.  Once our baby arrives I'll stop the birthcontrol to induce lactation and who knows maybe we will be "one of those couples" that everyone seems to know that once they adopt they get pregnant but i'm not holding my breath.

After the consult we went out to lunch.  We agreed on a boy's name and shook on it (I should write up a contract and have him sign it).  I also tried to get him to agree that I'd be willing to have baby #2 be a boy if he was willing to let me use the name I liked. That didn't work.

Breast-feeding and knitting

So a year ago I got a breast pump.  I started following a protocol which did not require hormones.  I had minimal success but because it meant I had to pump three times a day it was challenging with work.  As I became more discouraged with the waiting this past year the pumping faded away.

This past weekend when I was at the grocery store I peeked the the formulas available.  It just felt wrong and I found something wrong with every one of them.  My mother breast fed all three of us.  She comfort fed us until we could talk.  She worked as a lactation consultant as part of her job as a social worker working with first time teen moms.  So I feel immense guilt that I've stopped trying.  So I e-mailed my neighbor that I know breast fed her son that was adopted.  She provided me with a protocol that uses hormones.  Its one that I've run across a few times but have been hesitant to try.  She has the name of a lactation consultant she used (which wont be coved by insurance) as well as I asked where she got her drugs from.

Today I made an appointment with my primary care physician.  I doubt that she will give me a prescription (since its not FDA approved use) but I at least want to have some blood tests to make sure my hormones are at an appropriate level prior to starting the protocol.  I also want to make her aware of what I'm doing even if she can't support me legally.  I will then go from there.

I know it will be hard as well as frustrating to pump again with no baby.  I know though that if I give up know I will kick myself later.  This isn't about saving money (the drug is expensive and insurance wont cover it).  Its about doing what any parents would do which is at least try to do what they believe is best for their child.

On a side note.  A coworker of mine is knitting soakers for cloth diapers.  I have not knit since I was 11. She keeps wanting to teach me.  So I've started a scarf.  Once I can knit consistently I'm going to sit down with her and learn how to knit soakers.  Its going to be a long winter so I guess I now have two new hobbies to keep me busy.

Updating our Book

DH and I are going to visit my sister, parents, and friends back in WI/MN until the end of the month. I think once I get from our trip to Wisconsin/Minnesota I am going to start updating our Dear Birthmom book. I have been researching breastfeeding but I feel like I need to DO something. Going home and visiting my parents will hopefully give us lots of new pictures to use. It will be a year as of September that we completed our first book. I can't believe that we are approaching a full year of waiting.