Change of direction

So I gave it a month plus 10 days.  I'm done pumping.  My nipples are raw, after pumpting they turn purple then white- and they feel like they are on fire.  I described it to DH as putting a fork in an electrical socket- you know exactly whats going to happen and its going to hurt.  I was getting an ounce until last weekend when my supply started to drop off.  Today I pumped at got 5ml!!

So I'm not giving up I'm changing my focus.  I've decided to focus more on getting her to latch on without the nipple shield.  At this point I can get her to latch on with the shield because it protrudes and feels more like a bottle nipple.  My goal is to be able to use the supplemental feeder with formula at the breast.  She will get some breast milk but I wont have to pump five times a day.

This wasn't an easy decision.  I've cried over it because I feel like I failed.  I knew it would be challenging because of my previous reduction surgery.  To complicate things I didn't have time to complete the longer protocol.  My neighbor was successful in obtaining a fully supply but I have to remind myself that she also lactated in the past with her first child who is a biological child.  I wasn't able to put her directly to breast until this month due to her health concerns and now that its finally behind us I'm so happy to have a healthy baby I'm just sad I wont be able to provide her with the gift I desired to give her.

I have to remind myself that I'm changing directions.  She will still get to bond with me using the supplemental feeder.  I will continue to take the herbs but not the Domperidone.  I believe she will get some breast milk maybe a ml?  I know that people raise healthy babies with formula and I can't say I didn't try my hardest. I also know that with the time I was spending pumping I'll be able to focus my efforts on getting her to latch on without it being a miserable experience for both of us.

As an aside I was bottle feeding baby girl at the gym in the locker room and an older woman first scolded me for bring her to the pool so young then asked if I breastfed at all.  It reminded me how much of an impact someone can have with a quick 1 minute conversation.  We all are so judgmental and I know my former self would have looked at a woman bottle feeding and think- doesn't she know breast is best?  (I however would have NEVER said anything though).  Breast may be best but there are so many reasons even for women that had children biologically are physically unable to produce what is best.  That is when we have to accept this inability and move on to the best we can do and for me thats using organic formula in the supplemental feeder and loving baby girl to death.