Control

I have a need for control and planning.  I plan and then I make plans for the plans.  I have a to do list on my phone that I can pull out when I have "down time."  Tomorrow I have a to do list for my trip home from work (banks, wine shop, fabric store- in that order), then I'll write my final report for my school contract, followed by making my last two presents,  laundry, packing, then bed.  Thursday at work is planned (but thats required), then I'll come home, pack up the car, drive to the in-laws, and go to bed.  I do not plan my vacations though- except to know when I'm leaving and when I'll be home.

Tonight I made a plan for our finances for my maternity leave.  I have unpaid leave and I will not take one day short of 12 weeks off.  I'll be OK picking up a shift if DH is on his "weekend" but I wont work other then that.  So I tallied all the bills except the mortgage to make sure DH's salary will cover them with money left over for incidentals like baby clothes, formula, etc.  I plan to have enough sick/vacation time saved up to have one full pay check which will cover one mortgage payment (its a constant ebb and flow but i've tried to keep it about 80 hours).  I have then delineated which accounts our other two months of the mortgage will come from.  At this point there is nothing left to do but I feel a little better now that I feel like there is a plan and thus control over something I have no control over.

This month I've spent a little more time organizing the nursery.  Now that my school contract is over I'll move all my pediatric equipment out of the office/nursery and into the basement.  Organization is just my other little way of forcing control in a situation I will never control.

Looking back at my blog from last December I spent time planning how I was going to breastfeed, and purchased a pump.  I was planning our bathroom renovation.  I also painted the nursery on New Years Eve.  This year again I feel like I'm caught up in planning/controlling/organizing.  I know I've blogged on this topic in October but just like our one year anniversary of waiting the month of holidays is another hard month.  I look forward to Christmas at my in-laws and my sister.  I know I'll shed tears, but I'm allowed that- we all are allowed tears.

I've tried to stop saying things like by next Christmas/Summer/Easter/Fall we will have a baby though I can't help but imagine next Christmas/Summer/Easter/Fall with a baby.  Both are poor approaches for my sanity because I hurt when they arrive with no baby, but it also hurts to think of them without our baby.  I read a blog tonight that talked about how it will be sad to still after infertility and waiting to not have the baby here yet and my inner dialog said "Christmas isn't here yet."  Its always possible but then there is probable.  To make it through my day to day I'm going to keep on planning/organizing/controlling, because thats what I do best when I'm out of control.