Today I was awoken by Baby Girl at a lovely 7AM. I fed her while we sat on the front porch. I watched the house across the street that was raided by DEA agents Friday- I think it was an early mothers day gift. Before Baby Girl arrived I worried about the house across the street. Watching it sit empty brought a smile to my face knowing that our neighbors worked hard at making our neighborhood whole again. I wont have to worry about her playing on the lawn. Pushing the police to do something took on a whole new meaning once we were officially waiting. I want the place where I raise my children to be safe, and I want the home we worked so hard to obtain so we could raise our children it it to be safe as well- now it will be :)
We also watched bikers ride up the street towards the Mothers Day ride to support the adoption agency we used. The agency we used not only has an adoption program but it also has a program to support mothers who choose to parent. There were many families at it was fun to watch. Next year we will have to ride. My thoughts drifted to D (baby girls Bmom) and how she was doing today.
While getting ready to go to breakfast and church DH gave me a small box with Pandora Charms. One that said Mom and the other was just pretty. This isn't my first mothers day gift as last year he gave me a forever rose. Last year I was grateful for the gift and was glad he took the time to acknowledge the waiting process as a "pregnancy" but it didn't answer the question of when this baby would arrive.
We went to breakfast and was immediately wished a "Happy mother day." It was nice to be acknowledged however I kept thinking back to where I was last year and the year before with my intense desire to be a mom and I wasn't. I wasn't sad for my former self however appreciative of how much effort it took to get to be known as "Mom."
At church Baby Girl had her dedication. In years past I've actually avoided church on Mothers Day because it is the dedication day for all babies born the prior year. I had mixed feelings at church. Part of me was so happy to have Baby Girl welcomed into our congregation but part of me felt worried that someone else maybe missing service that morning because its too painful to meet all the new babies. I do think there is comfort to be at church on hard days and mothers day was one of those hard days for me. Unfortunately I always skipped the service because of the ceremony that occurred.
It surprised me that Baby Girl was the ONLY baby at the 11AM service! She was perfect, didn't cry, drooled (and snapped her flower in half). One thing I have noticed since the arrival of Baby Girl is a visibility at church. I have attended our church since I arrived here from Wisconsin almost eight years ago now. People are finally realizing I exist! (I think this is a new blog post though). A Dad from our Adoption Support Group was at church as well and I reintroduced myself (he didn't recognize us). His little boy was a year old though we have seen them a few times from a distance this was our first time meeting their baby boy.
The rest of the day was quiet, we went to the dog park and had burgers for dinner. The day was perfect and I was happy- from the moment I was woken up to the moment I put my head on the pillow. There was just a little piece of me that remembered that sadness I had. It didn't rule my day but it did nag. I made a point to not post anything on facebook except to a friend who is experiencing infertility. Getting a day called Mothers Day isn't for me just a day about celebrating what I have (a beautiful family) but remembering where I came from and how it has shaped the Mother I am becoming.
Mother's Day is a tough day for a lot of people. I am a mom now, but the memory of five years of longing are still in my heart and I still hurt from it.
ReplyDeleteI think about all the people who are desperately waiting to adopt, not adopting and TTC through fertility treatments, and those not doing either, but still cannot get pregnant. Mother's Day is great for everyone who is a mother, but so painful if you're not.
I thought about you on Mother's Day and hoped you enjoyed your first one. It's special to be a mom. Not everyone gets to experience motherhood. I'm glad you had a good day.