Its hard to believe tomorrow is our last post placement visit. Tomorrow we will walk the two blocks to the agency. Share with the social worker baby girls likes and dislikes. She will tell us baby girl appears to be adjusting well and we will go home to await our court date.
I'm long past being bitter and angry at the process. I wont claim that frustration still boils up. I wish my integrity was enough. I wish they could look at my life and say "she never even got a detention in school." What more could we want in a mother? How horrific this amazing couple cannot have children- what an atrocity. I've gotten past the fact that its not personal. Its just the facts of being an adult- "life is not fair."
The struggles that accompanied this journey just means I hug baby girl just a little tighter knowing that I'm her Mom. I was scrutinized and accepted by the agency. I was entrusted by both of her birth parents. I was followed and approved by the agency in post placement. Now I just have to wait for a silly piece of paper that states that I am legally and forever her Mom.
Tonight as baby girl and I drove home from the grocery store and she babbled away to her toys from the back seat I had a moment. A moment I've dreamed about for years occurred. As the college student when picking out my Mazda Protege I picked in part because 10 years from then I'd have a husband, a house, a dog, a job, two children and my Mazda. My dream was simple so I thought. It was to look back and see a carseat protecting my child. My dream didn't occur in my Mazda as I had envisioned those many years ago but I also didn't realize how long it would take to achieve that simple dream.
This process has made me realize its not about how many of those milestones you have hit- marriage, house, job, cars, pets, and children. Its about appreciating the simplicity of these dreams yet how I cannot take any of them for granted. Some of those milestones are purely luck- I met a fantastic guy. Some of them take extraordinary work- like the process of adoption. None of those milestones makes me a successful adult- I'm successful independent of those milestones but I appreciate each and every one of those milestones.
I'm one lucky Mom, of one amazing girl who is lucky enough to have a fantastic Father.
It is intimidating the amt. of stuff we have to go through to prove that we are good, loving parents. I am still struggling with the life is not fair part. I hate it.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the last visit though, that is a milestone to celebrate!
So I guess I simplified some.... I'm not over the fact that life is unfair but I at least view this experience in that category. I've always done things "right" and if life were fair I'd have had a baby in my arms a year after I was married, but life isn't fair.
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