So to start I wanted an open adoption which is where my struggle is. I want that relationship to continue. I also am going to say that I struggle writing this post because I do respect baby girls birth mother as well as all birth parents. I feel like my feelings on this specific situation are hard to articulate in part because I want to protect baby girls story. I've also said from the start that I want what is best for my child. My baby girls birth parents are not in a position to parent and lifestyle choices may put my baby at risk. I am struggling. Bmom has my cell phone # and has continued to text me with some frequency. I think its early to put strickt limits on texting contact however I feel like my life is intruded upon without notice with a request for an update. Our written agreement included letters/pictures 4x per year and a yearly visit. I've have already started our first letter/pictures and plan to be faithful to that agreement. Some of my discomfort with the continued contact I think stem from the fact that I didn't exactly feel comfortable sharing my cell phone # and is strongly discouraged by our home agency (but not the agency in PA) however it also provided me with notice before the bparents would visit providing me opportunity to prepare myself. I'm going to give it time to see if the frequency of the texts level out before I ask for things to change. I struggle with putting an end to texts all together because I DO want the communication lines to be a circle and not just one sided letters/pictures from us to bmom. I doubt that if I put an end to texts that communication would continue from that end of the relationship. I think there are several things that I wish I had a chance to think about prior to jumping in but its impossible to know what curve ball will be thrown. All I know is I hit a home run with baby girl (yes I know cheesy).
Baby girl is doing so well its hard be believe we have been home for two weeks. She smiles from ear to ear until the camera comes out. She has begun to coo and "talk" to me. Dont get me wrong I love being a parent from day one but I'm loving this new phase where we get to interact back and forth. DH is starting to get into the swing of things as well. Since i was gone for a month taking care of her while he was home working I got a chance to bond and really "get her." He is sometimes hesitant but I asure him he's doing a good job. She is sleeping 5-6 hrs before getting up for a bottle.
Cassie's birthmom texted me constantly in the days/weeks after her birth. I don't have unlimited texting, and I did tell her that, so she's more judicious about it now. We've had other things going on that's making communication difficult... but, just because someone texts you doesn't mean you have to answer right away. That's what I like about texting vs. calling. Even without you saying anything, chances are the texting will go down in a little bit. It's all still new to her too, and she's probably really missing Baby Girl. She just wants to be sure that she made the right decision. I'm not sure there's anything you can do or say to make her think that, other than to give it time.
ReplyDeleteWhen we were "stuck" in MI with Gus, Steve had to leave when Gus was three weeks. The remainder of the two months was just me and Gus and it was an adjustment to come home and have two parents here to do the work that I was doing alone. Steve was the same way-- somewhat hesitant and unsure, where I knew just what to do (I knew the different cries) because we had spent two months together. It'll all work out though... and before he knows it, your husband will be "getting her" just like you do. :-)
ReplyDeleteThe first smiles were the GREATEST. I could not wait for Gus to start smiling back at me. Now I'm waiting for the language to totally click. He talks up a storm, but I don't understand 1/2 of what he's saying. I recently realized that for almost two years now, I've been having a conversation with someone who hasn't had a conversation right back with me (lol). Obviously, we've communicated without words, but it's been funny to think about how much running dialog I do and no one gives a dialog back to me that's 100% understandable English.
As for the cell phone... Robyn is exactly right-- just because BM sends a text, you do NOT have to reply right away. If she calls... let it go to voice mail. Communication is the key to any successful relationship and if she isn't told otherwise, maybe she thinks it's okay with you if she keeps texting. I wouldn't stop it all together, but maybe let some time pass (even a few days) before you reply. When you do reply, just say something like, "Sorry it's been a while since I replied. We're super busy/I'm focusing on the baby and I don't always check my phone..." or something like that.
Keep up the great job mama and follow your instincts. No one knows your situation like you do, and you will do what's best for your family. And remember... with time, healing WILL take place. I wouldn't have believed those words almost two years ago with Gus (his birth father's side caused us to stay in MI for two months)... but it will all work out and with time, everyone will settle down.
Hugs!
Thank you Robyn- I know its in part the stress of the situation on my part which is why I'm not making any changes until the finalization. I feel like at that point I'll have a better sense of the situation since I'll have the stress of the process behind me.
ReplyDeleteI'm so blessed to get such great advices from those who have been in my shoes. I know those around me try but its just not the same until you have lived it. When I've talked about continued contact everyone has told me "they couldnt do it" or once the papers were signed they wouldn't contact the bmom again. Its not that easy. I do respect bmom so much for the choice she made, her ability to spend time with baby girl while she could, and then her ability to allow us to walk away with baby girl as our daughter. I could never just stop communication thats not whats best for baby girl.
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