Honesty

I'm struggling with my honesty on my blog since we have been brought together with our baby girl.  I cannot be fully honest in part because there are few family and friends that read the blog.  For those people I am not an anonymous blogger and baby girl is a real baby.  So in order to protect her adoption story I've had to hold back details.  At times I feel like I appear judgmental because I've held back details that would shed a little more light on the situation but sometimes I can't share details for the sake of baby girl.

I also struggle with my honesty because I started this blog to be able to reflect on my adoption journey.  There are amazing parts about adoption such as friendships that have grown, and of course the highlight of my life- baby girl!  There are also parts about adoption that are hard and we all have thoughts that are not pretty.  I believe it or not I think horrible things at times about people, I judge, I jump to conclusions, I react from my heart without the involvement of my head.  In a strange way I want to document this because in a few short years the hard part will be gone.  The beauty of that is- I can do it all over again and have a second baby.  The down side is I wish I had known a little more about the hard stuff before I started the roller coaster ride and by documenting my bumps maybe I'll help another waiting family have a more realistic idea of potential pot holes (though the hard part is no two stories are the same and I dont want to scare them away).  My gut reactions, judgmental thoughts, etc are all apart of what I went through while baby girls adoption story unfolded.

Am I proud of some of the things I've typed?  Nope.  Can I already see some of the flaws in my thinking?  Prime example- panicking about bmom visiting for 5 hours every other day.  I know why I panicked- I was in unfamiliar territory geographically as well as emotionally.  I was also upset at the lack of support on the agencies part for both myself and the bmom.  Now that I'm a few steps beyond- I could tell my past self that I over reacted.  I do still stand by that we will never use the agency again because it was a poor fit.  I can make that assertion with greater clarity though now that we are not in PA.

So forgive me if I'm raw, and say thoughtless things.  Keep the comments coming to help me put it all in perspective.  You are all now part of our story, our journey to what matters most- baby girl.