Drained

I'm drained.  Empty.  In need of refueling.  I cried myself to work this morning.

I got the best hug from a preschooler.  I got to be goofy and fun.  Colored, and stretched putty the width of the hall- we probably should have gotten in trouble for how much fun we were having.  Watched a child write their name for the first time- smiles.

I got asked from nearly every teacher if the woman I'm covering for had her baby and how they are doing.  No one will even realize to ask about mine because I'm not expecting.  I'm waiting.

I'm looking forward to my vacation tomorrow.

Round Table- My favorite Post

My favorite post is one that was unexpected but true to my emotions and fears.  Getting To Know You I felt free to talk about my fears.  I think one of the reasons I'm often defensive and sensitive to adoption questions is because at times they get to my own fears as adoption for us is a complete unknown.  I've heard parents say "I wish my baby came with a manual" however at least they knew the approximate date of their babies arrival, and developed personality traits based on their babies activity in the womb.  How much of that is projected onto the baby who knows but I'm terrified the baby is going to be placed in my arms and its not going to feel "right."

http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2011/09/open-adoption-roundtable-29.html

Fighting Back Tears

OK here it comes again my Dear Aunt Flow and I again am on the verge of tears at most moments of my day.  I never realize how close I am to tears until someone asks me if I'm OK.  A coworker yesterday offered me a hug, another today asked if I was doing better because it looked like I was going to cry yesterday and a third coworker just generally asked how I was doing.  Clearly I'm not as good at holding up my facade as I once was but I also dont really think its possible right now.

I decided to help a former coworker cover her maternity leave so once a week I'm working in the schools again.  I initially said I wouldn't do preschool just because I don't think I can do it emotionally well guess who couldn't say no and for two months I'm doing preschool once a month?  Medicare is changing their rules October 1st so stress at my Sunday-Thursday job is high for everyone.  Then to top things off I'm approaching one year of waiting and Dear Aunt Flow is about to visit.  *sigh*

So onto happy notes-
I'm only working a half day Friday and we are going out of town for a visit to my real aunt Rosie.

I got a blog comment from a lovely lady who just turned in her finalization paper work!  I e-mailed her and almost wrote "Baby dust" which is what affectionately was posted on trying to conceive sites for women just before aunt flow arrived in hopes that they would get a positive pregnancy test.  I think I could use some baby dust- I wonder if baby dust applies to adoptions?  Getting the comment though did remind me that I'm one year in and though there is no time line - my neighbor was matched after 1 month of waiting- I am in the process and hopefully one day closer to our baby.  Its also reminded me that this process is 100% guaranteed so I'm no longer hinging my hopes on fictional dust.

Positive conversations

So I often write about negative conversations so I wanted to write about a few positive conversations I've had in the past few weeks.

Three weeks ago two co-workers were standing at the nursing desk talking about someone that had 4 kids by 18.  I piped in and said I couldn't have imagined having one child at 18 let alone 4 along with the fact that I'm almost 30 so I'm way behind.  The co-worker responded "Well you better get going."  I decided to risk it and share that we were waiting to adopt.  Both of them got excited and asked me tons of questions about when/gender/etc and I told them my usual- I know nothing.  The following weekend the nurse that had been at the desk that day stopped me in the hall to say "Do you have a baby yet?!  I'm so excited for you!"  It was really nice of her- I just hope that for however long it takes she doesn't ask me every week... but based on how excited she is- maybe I wont mind.  (I am going to refrain from sharing a negative comment a coworker that over heard this conversation made but rather the positive which was that she was adopted).

My second positive conversation was when my aunt and uncle came in from out of town.  They along with the rest of my family received the announcement last year that we had been approved.  They asked lots of question but were again positive and excited.  At one point my aunt pushed a little on the visitation arrangement since there is a strong chance our child will be born in another state.  Not to say we would not have physical visits with a birthparent out of state it just isn't likely going to happen every year since both of our families live out of state.  So with traveling three different directions to visit family no one even now gets yearly visits.  On top of the fact that at this point its hypothetical and well we will cross that bridge when we get there.  When I told her that she backed off and the rest of the conversation was fun.

One interesting thing .... I was just reading another adoption blog and she was talking about not sharing gender or baby names with family/friends until the baby arrives to make it fun and have something to keep between the expecting parents.  Granted we dont know the gender which we have been asked frequently- but I can only think of one person that has asked about names... Which we do and I'm not telling :)

Bipolar

There are times like tonight that I am in fact glad our baby has not arrived.  I know if baby unknown was here I'd have made it work but it wouldn't have been easy.  I had to work late this afternoon and when I got out of work there was a text from DH stating that he was being held over and he didn't know when he was going to be home.  By the time I got home it was almost 5 and I was supposed to be at dance at 6:15.  Well I had to clean the house (long story but it HAD to be done) as well as we needed to eat as well as I had NO clue as to when DH would be home.  So I started with the cleaning, moved onto dinner and was a half hour late to dance but I guess thats what had to be done.  Halfway thru vacuuming the house I thought "Thank goodness I dont have a baby right now."

In the middle of swing dance I thought to myself for a brief moment "Dear God please dont make me keep going thru this."  I was having too much fun dancing that my prayer I hope was heard but I didn't have to dwell.

To top off my evening were sweet comments from a true friend on yesterdays blog.

My ups and downs sometimes makes me feel like I'm off balance.... but swing dance seems to level me out.

Hurting Peoples Feelings

Since my post about sharing my blog with others I have added two friends to the one that already was reading the blog. I have looked back at a few random posts and I think over all I have been good at being general enough about specific conversations that no one person can determine who they are. When discussing family I often (unless positive) describe the person as a family member vs. identifying even which side of the family the are from. Everyone at some point has said something hurtful and most of the time it truly is a lack of understanding. No one can fully understand our situation. Friends that have tried medical interventions can understand the frustration of trying initially. I have found though that even those that tried so hard initially, now that they have a baby or are pregnant quickly forget.

Even other adoptive families I am able to share many "I get it's!" but each journey is so different. Some try medical interventions while others have not. Some have been trying for 7 years while others never tried at all. Each families extended family responds so differently resulting in different worries/concerns.

Part of me wants to share my blog with everyone just so people can kinda of understand; however I dont think I could be as honest as I am.  I know at times I filter what I say even now with the few select people following the blog.  I still think: what if a birthmom reads this and thinks I hate birthparents or what if my friends that I have shared with think I'm talking directly about them.  I also at times edit my posts to sound more optimistic because I dont want people to think I'm depressed and unable to think of anything else.  I know that I will be most honest with my blog if I keep it private to a degree though I wish I could be more open.  I think some misunderstandings might be easier to deal with.

For example I had a friend (who reads the blog) tell me about another friend that was having a baby.  When she was in the middle of the conversation she said "Oh no I wasn't going to tell you!"  Do I wish it was me rather then her friend having a baby?  Yes but people are still going to have babies no matter if we can create one or not.  If other women couldn't create babies then I wouldn't be able to adopt one.  It was the fact though that she realized that I might be sensitive to the conversation and acknowledged it.  When I told her it was OK we moved on and finished the conversation.   Like I have said before I'm not sure specifically what it is that sets me into a tail spin at times while at other times I can be rational.  I can't expect my world to walk on egg shells around me but an acknowledgment like I got tonight was enough to make the conversation OK.


Also looking back on my blog I realize how negative I sound.  Which is funny because although I wish this process would speed up as a general rule I'm not negative about the process.  I think I use the blog to get things out that I would never in a million years let escape my mouth except maybe to tell DH.  The songs of September did force me to write about some positives as well as be honest about what really makes me sad (and its not other women having babies).  So as I try to boost myself up and prep myself for optimism I know for sure is that the first week in October will likely be rough for me as that is one year of waiting.

My Simple Request...

These are the things that I would desperately love to tell our family

1) Please do not ask if I have heard anything because the answer is no but rather ask what progress I've made in getting ready or how I am holding up during my wait.  I do desperately want to talk just not about updates because- there are none!
2) Please dont imply the possible health problems my child will have.  Your child had many of the same risks.  If we could know at birth which child would have autism, ADD, Learning Disabilities, genetic disorders, etc the medical profession would have it much easier.
3) Do not imply that contact with the birthparents of my child could be problematic to my child or my family.  My child will be loved by many people and my child will be special because they will know how much they are loved by their birthparents.
4) Feel free to ask questions rather then asserting knowledge you do not have.
5) Do not tell me that I will understand things once I am a parent.  It hurts.  Primarily because I'd do anything to have a child right now but also because I work with children.  I am sure I know many things about children's behavior that unless asked I would never undermine your parenting to tell you.
6) I do not visit or call because I dont want to be hurt.

Getting to Know you

I think one of the things I'm most fearful of is the getting to know my baby.  I have a friend that is expecting any day.  She has a bit of a personality already figured out.  How accurate it is or how much of it is imprinted on the child I dont know but after 9 months of pregnancy women talk about their babies prior to being born as if they know them.  Also research shows that babies hear their parents voices while in their mothers womb and are able to figure out who their parents are when they are born.

I will not have this advantage.  This baby is going to be as foreign as I will be to it.  I also will not likely have much warning prior to his or her arrival.  To top things off I have to admit the first 21 days while I wait for parental rights to legally terminate I will have this fear that it's not real.  My perfect adoption story is we get a phone call that a lovely couple or woman has chosen us for her baby due in 8 weeks.  We will meet her/them a few times and I will have greater confidence in her decision.

Adoption is a delicate relationship one in which great trust is being placed in DH and myself on the part of the birthmother.  It also requires great trust from DH and myself of the Birthmother that she will not break our hearts.  In the end I want an adoption in which all parties have what is best for them and although I know there will be heartbreak on the part of the birthparents (which selfishly will end our heartbreak) they will have enough faith and trust in us that they will be able complete the process.  In all this getting to know people I'm also fearful of offending the birth family in such a way that it terminates the process.

Waltzing

Yesterday dancing was a fun theme to my day.  One of the residence was telling me how when her husband was alive that while dinner was cooking she would waltz with her husband.  The image I have in my head is the food cooking and her children watching getting to see how in love their parents still were.

I also enjoyed my weekly dose of exercise swing dancing.  I can start my day down in the dumps but the minute I start dancing it just melts away.  The concentration that dancing takes as well as the physical activity does wonders for me physically and emotionally.

This dancing theme made me remember dancing to Dancing Matilda and Waltzing with Bears on Sunday nights with my sisters.  So you all must be thinking I lived some idealistic childhood... well Sunday night was folk night on NPR so thus the music.  We by no means waltzed (my parents did) my sisters and I, we just pretended.

When someone asks me why I want to have children its because I can't wait to make these memories.  To let a cranky day melt away when a song comes on the radio that just makes us stop and have fun.

Bless This House

My family sang this song at every holiday at my grandmothers house growing up.  My last memory of this song though was when my Grandmother moved from the family house to assistive living.  The home was more then just a gather place for my family but it had been my Grandfathers family home as well.  I loved everything about that house.  The smell, the intercom system for the upstairs, the laundry chute, the door bell chime, the three season porch, walking to the park, the creepy basement with the pool table, the cedar closets filled with generations of stuff and just feeling loved.  So writing this blog made me go onto Google Maps and look up my Grandmothers address on Windsor Ave in Chicago IL.  I now regret this decision.  The street looks different, her house looks different, and I liked what I remembered much better not because the home is in disrepair but because it is no longer the home I remember.

Today we refinanced our house which means no more mortgage insurance!  It also means we are staying here for at least 5 more years so at least our oldest child will remember our first home.  I look forward to creating traditions with  our family as well as maintaining old ones.

Lean On Me

I think the hardest thing for me right now is that our support group has not been meeting because there is no social worker to meet with.  In earlier post I indicated that the primary reason that I went was that I wanted to know who had been matched as well as if there were prospects in the coming month.  I think that is still true but I also realize the benefits of meeting with other people that are having the same sorrow you are.

A friend of mine sweetly sent us some gifts that arrived unexpectedly in the mail.  I never knew I'd get excited over outlet covers.  Its nice to have friends that talk to us about the baby and act like they would for any other expecting person.  People that talk about it as a certainty versus and unknown.  I know that I'm expecting for a LONG time 11 months and 1 week to be exact but it makes me know they really get it.

I just hope that the love and support that people have shown me I'll be able to repay in some form when they are in need.

Just an aside a resident at the facility that I was working at said that we should rejoice when someone passes away and cry at a birth.  When his PT asked him why he said "because life is so hard that when a baby is born they are just beginning the struggle and when someone dies they are finally relieved of the burden."  I thought it was an interesting perspective from someone that was 90+.

All The Pretty Little Ponies

Tonight I got to snuggle a little friend to sleep. One of the songs my mom would sing to me I called the pony song. My mom would sit in my dads office chair that rocked. Each time it would rock back it would click. It was comforting to be in my moms arms listening to her sing the pony song and the click of that chair. I used to fight to stay awake so that we could snuggle together longer.  I can't wait to rock and sing the pony song every night.

Just an aside in looking up the song it traditionally was horses and not ponies (I'm not changing that) but also learned it was an African slave song. The baby lamb is the slaves baby that she was unable to care for as she had to care for the white babies.

We are Marching in the Light of God (Siyahamba)

I was making dinner tonight and I started to sing this song.  I remember my mom listening to it on a tape (yeah a TAPE!).  My father had spent some of his life growing up in South Africa and my aunt (my mothers sister-in-law) introduced her to a group that was traveling around the united states and then thus introduced the song to churches here in the U.S.

My family is not overly religious but we have a strong faith.  My religion was something that was challenging to write about as it is one of the questions on the home study.  I don't believe in a God per say but I do believe that there is a common language of love that ties us all together.  This song is so joyful while it also reminds me of the struggle of the South African people and apartheid which my father would tell us stories about growing up.  How can people write/sing such a joyous song when people like Nelson Mandela were jailed and you had to carry papers to show your ethnicity in your own country?  It makes me wonder were they really joyous or was their only option to sing joyously in order to keep from crying?

Day six of this "project" has made me realize what a connection mood and music have.  It also makes me realize how often music was a part of our day to day growing up.  I think in the day to day of my adult life I've allowed music to slip away.  I hope I can regain that incorporation of music into my day to day and to instill this love into my children and I

Its Alright to cry

So you have to listen to both versions of the song (the first one so you can get the lyrics and the second to get a giggle).  This song is one that my mom used to sing to us when we were upset.  When we were small it made us feel better and as we got older it infuriated us (cuz what teenager wants their mother telling them they can cry).  I gotta say I had a good cry last night and I feel lots better which then made me think of this song and put a smile on my face.  

My DH did put an e-mail into the adoption agency to confirm that we are on the list and to find out if there are any changes in our status.  So here is the update.... *drum roll please* We are on the list for in and out of state adoptions and (ready?!) there are no new updates.  *sigh*  At least we know they still have us on the list.

Accentuate the Positive

This being positive thing is harder then I thought.  One of DH's coworkers announced his wife is pregnant which just made me plain old grumpy.  So this is going to get a little personal for a brief moment so don't read if you are a TMI kinda person but each month I still get Aunt Flow (that was the personal part) and like every woman I get hormonal and cranky.  Its a monthly reminder of what I dont have (on top of the fact that being without for 9 months would be AMAZING!)  I think that is really what makes or breaks how I react to someone.  I've had many friends announce they are having babies in my 2.5 years of trying and some I'm genuinely happy and excited for while others it makes me just want to burst into tears and tell them I hope they die (now I've never burst into tears nor have I ever told anyone to die... well except my sisters).

DH was telling me today that he struggles with being upset about not being able to have kids because its something that we want rather then need.  Funny thing is I taught a class of first graders about needs vs. wants about ten years ago, their ideas of needs vs wants very different then mine but I digress.  We dont need a baby but rather we want to have children.  We also have the means to pay for a private adoption which not all people we are unable to create children are able to afford (means to pay for a private adoption does not come with sacrifice and "living pay check to paycheck" since all of DH's paychecks go directly into the adoption fund).  He told me he feels like a whinny kid sometime wanting something he does not need.    

I guess the positive is we had and continue to have choices.  We also have all of our needs met which allows us to pursue this want.  There is nothing wrong with having wants in this world especially when its  a child and not a Hummer :)

Dont Worry be Happy

Don't Worry Be Happy is exactly what I have to try to convince myself of.  This song always reminds me of being in about 2nd grade at a sleep over at my friend Miriams.  We were all up late at night, it was a room full of girls, and just as it would get quite for a minute another girl would burst out with another verse of the song which would have us all burst into laughter again (accent included).  So not only do the words of the song make me smile but the memories it conjures up make me giggle.  In all honesty what does worrying to do but stress me out?  

I think one of the reasons I'm getting fed up with waiting is in part due to the anxiety that all first time moms have- can I do this?  but on top of it not knowing how it will happen.  Will I have notice or will I just have to pack a bag and go?  I dont even have my hospital bag packed (which the agency did tell us to pack) but it just doesn't seem real enough to do that.  The idea of packing a hospital bag makes me anxious.  Oh geez... *sigh* Don't Worry Be Happy? Right?

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

So I've decided to do something different for the month of September.  The lullaby from yesterday inspired me to find songs that make me happy or remind me of my childhood.  The first song I picked was Somewhere Over the Rainbow knowing that at some point I have GOT to find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  I picked the newer version because its uplifting and happy and not sad like my Grandmothers version (which I do love and reminds me of OZ).  So I hope you enjoy this change that I hope gets me out of this funk because I can't take me much longer.

Lullabye

KISSES IN THE WIND (The Waiting Child's Lullabye)

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.

________________

A friend of ours e-mailed me this lullaby yesterday.  I tried to find it on YouTube or anywhere on the internet that gave a tune to the song.  It was sweet of her to think of us and I think right about now I need a lullaby.  My friends have really reached out to me this past month which has been helpful because I've been increasingly down recently.

I go through my ups and downs.  Times where I feel like I finally am OK with waiting knowing that MY baby will come to me when s/he finally comes into this world.  While other days I honestly can't imagine waiting another day or even another hour.  I know it sounds dramatic but its true.  I looked back again this month at last Septembers posts and at that point we were still going through the intrusion of the home study process.  I felt naked and examined and was worried I might not be found fit to be a parent because we didn't make enough or our house wasn't clean enough.  Now a year later we wait which I thought would be the easy part.  I know once I have my baby in my arms it wont be so bad because I will know its MY baby but it doesn't make the wait any easier.

I think back to when we were house hunting and we felt like we would NEVER find a house but we did and now I'd be regretful if we lived in any of the other homes we looked at.  Its easy in hind sight to say well seven months of house hunting wasn't so bad now was it?  but I know I shed a tear or two of frustrated tears at the time.