first taste of milk

I've been pumping every 3-4 hrs during the day and one time over night. I'm fuller in my breast. Last night I was getting tiny drops of clear fluid which I put on a nuk. Today I got a milky fluid which was enough for me to pour it from the pump into her mouth. She was startled by the fluid but once she tasted it she smiled.

Last night while doing kangaroo care (which I had not been able to do at the hospital) she latched on for about one breath, suck, swallow before she got mad because it wasn't what she expected. She slept 3 hrs past her feed time all snuggled and naked on my chest.

I weighed myself yesterday am and had lost 10lbs!! I focused on drinking lots of fluids which I had been unable to do in the Nicu as no beverages were allowed. Ive gained about 5 lbs back. I wonder if the backward slide in size was due to dehydration. I'm hopeful and will keep you all posted.

home!!

Just wanted to let everyone know we made it home late Sunday night. Everything is going well I'll post a more detailed post during a nap later this week.

let the 48 hrs begin!

So just before 10pm tonight the stopped the medication order which means in one hour she will miss her first dose. She has to maintain without medication for 48 hrs which brings us to Saturday night. The don't do night discharges so she will be discharged Sunday. The agency here can't get anyone to the hospital until 2pm Sunday. The good is that if she gets a dose of the medication in the first 14 hrs it doesn't change the plan. The thing that sucks though is that we can't leave until 2 pm because of the agency, and we have a 7 hr drive ahead of us. I'm trying not to jump the gun too much. I don't know what the next 48 hrs will bring. I just want out w my baby healthy and happy w minimal delay... I realize that's too much to ask.

off medication?

I'm sitting at a train station 50 minutes before visiting hours start. Ever heard the expression worried sick? It can happen. My stomach is in a knot and I feel like my heart could beat out of my body. If she had a good night she is off the medication and we start the 48 hrs. Im so nervous. I want her off but in the same breath I'm worried that she won't react well. Yesterday she was so calm and peaceful. I hope she is ready to start her life outside the hospital.

As an aside both bparents came yesterday. I left after I said hello. Bdad was there for about an hour.

tentative d/c date

We have a tentative d/c date of Sunday. I got the distinct impression from the agency here that she is not thrilled about Sunday but I could care less. The plan is to discontinue the medication tomorrow then she has to go 48 hrs w out medication. She is having a good day today so the plan stands as today.

Both the agency and hospital social workers had the nerve to ask if I was telling the bmom. I made it clear that it was their job. In part because I want the bmom to have the chance to express her desires for a goodbye as well as any other concerns. To top it off I'm sick of doing their job. This woman needs support and in less then a week I'm going to be gone.

so close while still so far

We have one week until the lawyer goes to court and files the tpr paperwork. Bdad didn't sign his form w a witness so his won't be filed but I don't think he knows this. In PA they still get another 30 days where they would have to prove they were under distress when they signed. Bdad wouldn't have to though because of the paperwork error. He has visited a total of three times. Once before we were in the picture and twice since we have arrived. We at least would have a strong case to be her foster parents if it were to come to that. He has not acted upon many of his plans (he said he was coming at least three times and never showed up).

Baby girl is still in the hospital. She has two more weans of her medication then has to be stable 48 hrs without the medication. The weans have been everyother day which means we possibly go home next weekend. I'm trying to keep a healthy balance between optimism and pessimism as I want her to be healthy and home but I don't want to be disappointed. I'm sad we missed her first month at home. I'm sad she has yet to meet any of.our family and friends. I'm sad she is in pain. I'm looking forward to being home.

lactation

WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT
Some of you follow because I'm attempting to induce lactation. I had significant changes which required nursing bras. Since I'm.unable to breastfeed at the hospital I've continued the protocol. Since bmom still is making the medical decisions and how baby girl is fed is part of her medical treatment I would have to get permission from.the bmom. I don't think bmom would allow it and so I have not asked. Bmom did not breastfeed any of her children.

Since arriving the changes in my breasts have reversed themselves. I no longer need the nursing bras. I believe the stress of being in the NICU in combination w the bparent drama as caused this. The last two days I felt feverish and cramped. They grew in intensity and believed aunt flow was sion to arrive. I went for a walk after dinner since that sometimes helps my cramping I suddenly felt two gushes. I was blessed to have a walgreens right there so I got feminine products. GRAPHIC CONTENT.... Not only was there a large amount of blood but also a mass of tissue. I called the doctor who finally called me back. She indicated that when someone does not have there period for months that what I experienced can happen. I thought twice about posting this but the experience was traumatic for me. It also is a.side effect that I have not read about nor did my doctor tell me about it.

I am continuing the protocol and will attempt to pump once I'm.home. I'm not optimistic. Although this is important to me I've said from the start that all I can do is try. If I fail its not due to a lack of trying. I will be sad but there is nothing I can do. Baby girl is loved no less if I have to continue to give her formula.