Disapointment

So this process is filled with disappointment. This is no new revolution however in the past few weeks we have been exposed to many disappointments.

On the 9th of February which is the Super Bowl Sunday that will live in infamy not because the Packers won but it was a sad day of many this month. We got our first "offer" I dont know what else to call it. I dont like the word "offer" because it sounds like a buying a car or house. We received information about a baby via a mass e-mail. It was mass e-mailed due to the fact that no one at our agency was a "match" for this kiddo. The baby was of mixed race (Hispanic and African American) in Maryland that was premature. There was no adoption plan in place but the two 19 year old parents had three children already and were not prepared to parent this baby due to the medical condition. DH called me at work to inform me of the email and started the conversation by saying "I don't think this is the baby for us but we received an e-mail..." then proceeded to tell me of the present condition. As a health care worker the baby sounded extremely healthy given how premature she was. I was ready to say "YES" I wanted to say "YES" but I also knew that the baby would need to stay in the NICU until the due date and since I have no FMLA yet this wouldn't be possible let alone the time after baby came home to work through the medical challenges. Intellectually I knew this was not the baby for us but it made me so sad to have to delete the e-mail.

To make matters worse we had about 20 people to prepare for as we were having a super bowl party. There were three babies and one pregnant lady at our party. The babies were all welcome- I want to be a parent because I enjoy children. Pregnant ladies I dont enjoy. This particular lady had challenges becoming pregnant and used IVF to become pregnant. Which is great for her. She is annoying because all of the things that she told me prior to her pregnancy that annoyed her about pregnant women- SHE FREAKIN DOES!!! It drives me crazy especially because she of anyone should understand what we are going through. As a gracious host as well as to keep me from bursting into tears I strategically was always in the opposite room she was in. I did have a blast playing with the kids and it did keep my mind of things strangely.

On a bright note (this is getting kinda depressing). I had explained to my friend (also my hairdresser) during my hair appointment the day prior that I was disappointed my mother-in-law had not gotten us anything for the baby for Christmas. I explained that when women are expecting during Christmas families usually buy stuff for the baby (because they are expecting). I got nothing not even an acknowledgment that maybe next year there would be a baby. Well when my friend came to the super bowl party she brought me a blanket and some chocolates. She told me that she "got it" and told me she was excited for us. I didn't vent to her in hopes that she would "get it" which kinda makes me feel bad. Though her "getting it" made me feel validated that my mother-in-law should "get it."

Three days after the superbowl party I was in a car accident. The car is totaled. I'm fine. The silver lining to my car being totaled is that we can start fresh and think of cars with the perspective of a car seat in mind. This is not really sad or happy news just inconvenient news that hopefully we can use to our benefit.

So to kind lighten the mood a little more. DH called his mother to explain to her that she could start getting us baby stuff whenever gift holidays came about. They got on the subject of baby showers and it sounds like she wants to have one. I need to take a deep breath and go on face value that she really didn't realize we literally are "expecting" at ANY minute.

Last but not least sad news I found out tonight that my cousin who got married a year after us is expecting. This just adds to the list of all the people that have been married after us that will have children before us. It just prompts me to say "Life is not fair!!" The news is not "official" however he posted a picture of what looked very much like a "baby car" when I looked at his profile someone had posted that they had heard the news and congratulated him on his wife expecting.... maybe she is just expecting a job promotion lol.

To end on a positive note because I'm feeling a little better. The biggest positive to having an "offer" we were unable to accept was it helped us realize all the things we need to do. We need a car seat because you cant leave the hospital without one. We need a plan for the pets in case we have to leave quickly. We need to communicate with our families about what we will need from them when the real offer comes in. We also have talked with my parents about starting a "loan account." At this point the money we have saved plus the tax rebate equals what we would need... but we dont get the tax rebate until next year. So having the loan up front so we can write a check when we need to will be important.

Wow that was a lot and I still have more to write about (day care tours, and legislative stuff)... but i'll save that for another day. Thanks for listening :)