Dear Birthparents D & J

During the waiting process I wanted so badly to have an open adoption.  I wanted birthparents that wanted to be a part of our childs life so that my child would have the ability to really fully understand who they are.  I wanted to be able to change peoples perceptions of birthparents as my own perceptions of birthparents had changed during our wait and then we met our daughters birthparents and my perceptions were reality.

The adoption world pushes us all to speak highly of birthparents and I do.  There is a push to change the perception of birthparents from uncaring soulless people who discard their children because they came at an inconvenient time.  I never thought this.  Now that I've met D and J I realize that during my wait I may have shifted too far the opposite direction waiting to meet these people who were so amazing and I was disappointed.  I realize that statistically my odds were good of meeting an amazing birthmother however like any group of people there will be an assortment of people.  I know that women over 21 are more likely to place their children for adoption and that held true for our birthparents both of them were in fact older then both DH and I.  Birthmothers likely have graduated high school or will go onto graduate high school.  My mother used to tell us to be careful of putting people on pedestals because they will always disappoint you as no one is perfect- I think I made this mistake.  I now have to come to terms with reality- with my childs real birthparents.  They cannot be nor will they ever be perfect and neither am I.

I want to have only good things to say and when I discuss Baby Girls adoption I do make people use positive adoption language.  I am the first to stand up for D and J and do not allow anyone to speak negatively about them.  I stress D and J had a choice and it was the most loving thing they could do for Baby Girl and that D is one of the strongest woman I know because that is true.  I never go beyond that because there is not much more positive to say.  It hurts because I wanted something more for Baby Girl.  I can't change D and J.  I can only come to terms with who they are and in time help Baby Girl understand her story.

Baby Girl is blessed with an amazing extended birth family and I have every intention of giving her that biological connection that I believe that every adopted child has a right to.  I wish that D and J were in a place in their lives to give her that connection themselves.  I morn that loss for her.  I worked hard at obtaining a copy for Baby Girls original birth certificate even though PA does not allow for the adopted child to have one.  I'm glad I did because what I had been told was on there was not accurate.  Baby girl now has proof of where she started and who she is.  Her original initials were KMF and I had been lead to believe she was KML.  She now is LMF.  Again an original birth certificate is a right that every adopted child should have, I wish it wasn't a copy but its the best I could do until the laws change.

I think this letter was the most therapeutic thing I've done.  I feel like a weight was lifted.  From the start  I've said I love D and J just not their actions/choices, I now feel like I actually can believe that statement.  I feel like being honest in this letter has allowed me to break away from the facade that all birthparents deserve to be placed on a pedestal.  In our case we cannot- if we said otherwise we would not be truthful.  In so many cases birthparents are amazingly selfless women and men that make a decision placing their child first and their own pain second.  For our second child I have every intention of seeking out birthparents that can participate fully in an open adoption and D and J have not changed my opinion of birthparents as a collective group.  There is a lifetime for D and J to change, but for now I need to place my anger away and accept the fact that I love the two of them for out of all their poor choices making one amazingly selfless choice to give Baby Girl the life she deserves.  Yes I said it; not a popular statement in the adoption world but so very true in her case and this belief is shared not only by myself but her birth-grandmother and birth-sister.  Its not popular because it implies that the birthmother couldn't parent had she wanted to and in our case that is a true statement.  In many cases a birthmother could parent though it would mean possibly a single parent, or less resources for their other children; but one resource that never would be less would be love.  In our case the state determined that if D did not move forward with an adoption plan Baby Girl would have entered the foster care system with likely the same outcome- adoption.

I avoided this topic for a long time on my blog but felt I couldnt end my blog until I addressed it.  My guess is that it wont be a popular post.  I will likely get flack for bing "anti-birthparent."  I hope all that read this can realize that this is not anti-birthparent or even anti-D and J.  Its the sad reality of this particular adoption story.  If you cannot understand that distinction I ask now that you stop reading.

Dear D and J

I have a great deal I want to tell you.  Some of it I've said before and plan to continue to say.  Some of it I plan to write here and try to let it go.  Adoption isn't easy for any of the members of the triad.  There are moments we all wish I'm sure to not be a part of this triad, but we have been brought together.  As the adults in this triad we have important responsibilities to put our daughter first.  When I use "our daughter" in this letter I am referring to myself, DH, you D and J.  We plan to refer to you two as D and J as well as Birthmom and Birthdad in our home but we are comfortable in knowing that you refer to Baby Girl as your daughter and more affectionately "Baby Girl" which is how I came to call her Baby Girl on my blog.  I know D that you asked me to refer to you as Mom, but I do not think that it is a healthy choice for our daughter but when I use your name as well as Birthmom I promise to always use it as a loving title.

So to start I want to thank you for searching your hearts and making the decision that was best for your daughter.  D your strength amazes me in standing so firm in your decision.  I know on more then one occasion you told me it was a hard choice but a choice you wouldn't change because you wanted what was best for our daughter.  I know you cried a great deal because you confided in me and it always broke my heart.  You are a caring woman that loves your children but you were just as ill as our daughter.  I also know that it pained you to see your daughter cry and hurt in the NICU.  I am sure coming as often as you did was painful and hard but really what was best for our daughter.  Our daughter will always know that you visited her routinely and love to feed and change her.  You were always so gentile with her and gave me so much advice on how to care for our daughter.  Some of the stories you told me about your life were hard to hear but help me explain to our daughter how it came to be that the five of us met.  The day we walked away from you hugging your Mom and crying is an imagine I will always remember how you were able to stand and not crumple to the floor demonstrates your courage and strength.  

J I want to tell you that I am working hard in forgiving you for the emotional storm you caused during each of your visits.  I know deep down that your visits were for your daughter and were not intended to cause me pain.  Your manipulative behavior was not a personal attack but rather a reaction to a situation in which you had no control.  The way you looked at our daughter reminds me that you do love her and you wished with all your heart lifes circumstances were different.  I wish you had been able to visit more often and come to terms with your decision before our daughter left PA.  As much as I dreaded your last visit I wish that you had come to say good-bye like you said you would.  I realize that although you are an adult you still have so much growing up to do.  I hope for you that this experience made you realize how much more to life there is and that it will result in positive change for you.

D and J I plan to work hard at forgiving you for not taking care of our daughter while she was in the womb which is a large part of why I cannot refer to the two of you as Mom and Dad.  D I plan to work hard at forgiving you for denying her existence in your womb for so long.  The role of Mom and Dad means sacrificing your own needs/wants for what is best for your child.  I plan to work hard at forgiving you J for using our daughter as a pawn in your threats.  J I plan to work at letting go of my resentment for your attempts to take advantage of our intense desires to be parents to make personal gains.  I plan on working hard at forgiving you J for not supporting D.    J I know we all want to present ourselves in the most positive light but I wasn't born yesterday.  I plan to work hard at forgiving you for making it seem like D was the only one struggling with demons.  I plan to work hard at forgiving you both for putting me in the middle of your relationship struggles.  I plan on finding it in my heart to let it all go.  I will not forget these things but its not healthy for me and its not healthy for our daughter for me to continue to be angry.  Our daughter will in time know this unfortunate part of her story, but I will share it as she is old enough to process the information.  I will do my best to always present the facts fairly including helping her understand the struggles the two of you endured that lead you to the place you were seven months ago. With the internet at her fingertips I may need to share with her more then I'd like sooner then I'd like as she will likely figured out Google and the results will tell her more then I may want her to know.  She will also know that you did have a choices and you chose to keep her from a system that would have been extremely painful for her and are so grateful.

To both of you I hope you can take time to heal your selves.  The choices you make do not just impact you but also all of those that love you.  Included in those you hurt are your children, your parents, siblings, and now us.  Both of you have loving families that over and over reach out to try to help you heal from damage done when you were much younger.  You continue to reject those offers and it makes us all sad.  I know you have the strength to do it however you have been on this road so long I don't know that it will ever happen and in part of forgiving you is understanding that you will most likely not change.  D I think a great deal of your ability to admit your weaknesses the next step is to just take the help!

Our daughter is changing each day.  She is so smart, vivacious and amazing.  I see your faces in her face.  I see her birthsiblings smiles on her face.  She has hit every mile stone early- rolling, sitting, crawling, pulling herself up, and now taking steps when we hold her up.  She loves to clap and get those around her to smile.  She is the sunshine in our days.  She knows about you both and we always start her birthstory talking about her Birthmom D and Birthdad J.  She knows that you made a hard decision because you were not well enough to care for her.  She knows that the two of you picked us as her Mom and Dad and our job is to keep her safe and love her for always.

I hope that she is able to continue to visit each year and get letters from you letting her know how much you love her.  Our daughter is what comes first though.  I will not continue visits if you cannot come to those visits in a state that is healthy.  I will not allow you to hurt our daughter over and over- the potential damage you have already caused is enough.  She is a very sensitive and smart girl and will pick up if things are not right.  

Adoption is beautiful.  Adoption is what made our daughter, DH and I a family.  Adoption is a loss of ones birthparents and a gaining of adoptive parents.  In many cases an open adoption allows for a continued connection to help explain that initial loss.  I hope you two can heal for our daughter so she can receive hugs from you each year.  So far we have heard nothing and that tells me that soon I will have to morn and then forgive you for breaching your end of the contract.  Please prove me wrong.  So often adoptive parents are vilified for closing adoptions.  Remember you asked for visits, you agreed to send us letters.  Our relationship is not about you D, you J or even DH and I.  This relationship is singularly about Baby Girl and what is best for her.

I will continue to work to free my heart of anger.  I am not perfect.  Just as I ask of you to do your best I will try the same.  I hope you two can work to free your selves of your own monsters.  Know you are loved by one special little girl- please do not hurt her.

In peace,
M

Finalization

August 29, 2012

The process started two years and four months ago and today the adoption process is over.  Although the process is over; adoption is forever part of our lives.  The application process was our conception, the waiting was our pregnancy and now we completed seven months of labor we are legally considered Mom and Dad.

I've read blogs that ask when did you start to feel like a "mom" and I've read more then once it was when they child called them "mama" for the first time.  I distinctly recall in the hospital a moment seven months ago the first full day I was alone with Baby Girl at the hospital.  I got this intense feeling of needing to protect her.  Many days in the hospital I felt like I had no control.  Doctors and nurses were making decisions, D was not being consulted, and I wasn't able to.  My child was part of a "system" that unfortunately most children go thru alone.  Although I'd never wish to relive that month in PA I know it made me feel like a mom.  Since no one was making decisions I started to advocate for what I thought was right for my daughter.  Legally they could have chosen to disregard my advocacy but I'm firm in believing that the love I gave her as well as the advocacy that I provided she came home to us sooner. Both D and J had signed their termination of parent rights paperwork prior to our arrival but since Baby Girl was still at the same hospital that D gave birth she was under D's original admission.  Many of the babies in the NICU were from different hospitals and had that been the case D would have had no rights.  Had baby girl been discharged and then the problem was identified and she was re-admitted again D would have had no rights.  It was this loop hole that meant that a woman struggling to just care for herself, who already had determined that she was not going to parent was still the legal decision maker.  It still makes me upset to think back to the legal limbo we were in.  I understand the need for a "system" as there needs to be rules; but at the same time children like mine suffer the consequences of a system that sometimes neglects these precious beings when those involved choose to stick to the rules with no regard to the situation.

This morning while we listened to our daughter babble in the crib happily DH asked me if seven months ago I thought we would arrive at this day.  I told him I did most days.  Baby Girls Birthfather at times chose to drift in and out of the picture and wavered in his decision depending on the moment.  I felt confident in D's decision and knew if she allowed us to leave PA we would be able to get to this day.

As we drove to court this morning I was nervous.  I'm not exactly sure why.  My nerves were quickly masked by panic as we realized that we went to family court as we had been instructed and the finalization was at probate court.  The woman who was trying to find our court room at family court was confused "You are here for a divorce?"  NO!  She finally figured out we were in the wrong building.  We quickly walked the six blocks with Baby Girl and myself in the lead.  We had eight people in tow as we made the five block walk (with five minutes to spare).  My rational was if Baby Girl and I made it- I'd just have to be a single mother but there was going to be nothing to stop me from getting there on time.

Lucky for us the paper work had an error which they were correcting so they were a few minutes behind.  The proceeding was fun with a total of 14 people in attendance.  The judge had music on when we arrived and sat across the table from us.  She had us sign an unofficial adoption certificate which Baby Girl signed as well and then a legal version (that Baby Girl did not sign).  We took lots of pictures with the judge and family.  We went home and had brunch.

After all our friends and family left we planted a cherry tree.  We had been planning for a few years to plant a fruit tree for our five year anniversary since that is the year you give wood as a gift.  The tree is now a shared gift- an anniversary/finalization tree, but I suspect we will call it Baby Girls Tree forever.

Its a relief to finally have the process over.  I have noticed though that I've been in hyper "fight" mode for a while.  I was on guard while we were TTC and not successful, I was on guard about adoption and our wait, I've been on guard regarding baby girls health at the start of her life.  This whole process is one that is unfamiliar to most and when someone is ignorant (willfully or otherwise) they often say things that are insensitive.  I put my guard up and disclose so little that I think my overall demeanor comes across as negative.  The process was long, it was heart wrenching, part of me wants to say I'd do it again knowing I'd get Baby Girl but the other part knows how wounding this process can be.  A friend at the brunch asked me  how it felt to have it be done.  I told her relieved but that paper work starts again if we want a sibling for baby girl.  I'd like to think that I could "just be happy" but adoption still for me is in part a reminder of our infertility and just how unfair life is.  Adoption also is a reminder of what an unfair start baby girl got- unfair that baby girl couldn't have been born healthy, and unfair that her birthparents couldn't parent.  So yes I'm relieved that this process is over but the process is not exactly like a pregnancy where you give birth and you are happy.  There are many sorrows as well.  Baby Girl lights up our lives and I can't imagine life without her and she was worth every moment of fight.  Now I have to remember to take on her joyful perspective of life.


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My plan is to write two more blog posts
1) Dear Birthparents
2) Thank you and good-bye

Eve of finalization

I've been crazy busy w work and getting baby girl ready for her first day of daycare.  This morning I dropped baby girl off for her first full day of daycare.  I cried from the coffee shop to the center but was ok once I got her out of the car.  She was really happy this morning which is her usual disposition.  I set her down and she instantly was engaged in playing w a purple phone.  I stayed a few minutes then kissed her goodbye for the day.  She could have cared less.

Part of me was sad but part of me knew she did well w the transition because we worked hard at exposing her to different people, sounds and experiences.  If she was safe and fussing in someone's arms I tried to comfort her without taking her into my own arms.  She is willing to explore on her own because she is confident that I wouldn't allow her to be unsafe.  It broke my heart but made me beam with pride.

This morning I was her Mom.  Letting go while still wanting to hold her close.  To the other teachers and parents I am her mom.  I am the one that can share her likes and dislikes.  Recommend her routine and answer care questions.

In some ways it's fitting that her first full day of daycare was the eve of her finalization.  It is confermation of what I already know.  D is the woman that gave Baby Girl life and chose ME to be her mother.  I'm part of a special group of moms that can say: I was chosen for this ultimate role and granted this title of Mom.

Finalization "problems"

Friday DH and I took baby girl to get a dress for her finalization. We went to a thrift store since we have no intention of spending $40 on a dress she will wear once. She is growing out of her 6 mo. clothes but the 9 mo clothes are just too big so we wanted to get a 6 mo. dress. There was one dress I LOVED but it didn't fit and then there was the dress DH liked and well; it fit. So DH won. Its cute I like it I just dont LOVE it.

 So then it was my turn to find something to wear. I went into every shop in two malls, plus the main downtown shopping strip and found nothing I liked. I was primarily shopping the end of season sales because I wanted something a little more summery so the outfits I did like didn't have all the sizes. I'm also not over excited about buying clothes because i'm 5-10lbs lighter then I normally am and I'm struggling to gain back the weight I lost in PA back (I know sob story- but it really is a problem for me right now).

 7:50 (10 minutes before I told DH I'm head home) I went into one last store which is modern/college aged was not really feeling it, really wanted to skip it but went in anyway. I first found a dress that looked like a casual bridesmaids dress but I liked the color. As the girl brought it back for me to try on she asked casually what occasion the dress was for. I stumbled over my speech because I didn't plan to tell anyone the reason I was dress shopping because I didn't feel like having "the conversation." I told her that I was adopting my baby Wednesday (the simple way to explain finalization). She got really gushy and asked if I knew the name/gender/etc. So I told her our daughter has lived with us since she was born and that she had a name. I figured she was gushy because she probably worked on commission and would say anything to get me to buy a dress.

I didn't like the dress because it was too formal, though I dont think I liked the dress because I didn't like any dresses that night. So she told me she would grab other dresses. I thought to myself "how is this bubbly college girl going to find me a dress when I dont even know what I want?" She came back with three outfits a red dress (super cute if I was 10 years younger), a steal grey dress, and a pants/shirt out fit. When she brought the pants/shirt set she told me not to buy the black pants from their store because they were $300 and with adoption being so expensive I probably didn't want to spend $300 on pants (my eyes raised to that comment but it was true). Each dress fit me perfectly which in my case people usually judge me heavier then I am so I usually turn down people getting sizes for me.

 I caved and bought the steal grey dress. It was a cop out, its simple, its classic, I can't go wrong. Its not exactly what I envisioned I'd wear but what do you wear on the day you finally are recognized as your daughters parents? As she checked me out she shared with me that she has a brother that is adopted. She told me she wished adoption was easier because its a hard process. She told me it cost too much and the process takes too long. Her maturity on the topic floored me and I appreciated her enthusiasm for my daughter joining my family. I took a risk by sharing my story and in turn I got to hear hers.

When I got home I panicked. I initially thought of not telling DH I bought a dress (I'm not sure I can return it) and keep shopping. I stayed up googling hundreds of adoption finalization pictures until I was satisfied that there are moms that have worn black dresses before so I wont be the first to take the easy road. It feels somewhat cold/professional but I'll have to dress it up with a colored belt and jewelry (and lets face it I'm kinda up tight anyway so the dress suits my personality) But really- What do you wear on the day you become a legal mother? I guess it really doesn't matter :)

Live in Nanny

So my older sister just left this morning after three weeks here as our "live in nanny." It was so nice to have an extra set of hands especially when Baby Girl learned to crawl during those three weeks. Growing up like any sisterly pair we didn't always like each other. Even as adults we have had our power struggles. The dynamic really seemed to change with Baby Girl around. I was nervous about having her stay with us for three weeks but I'm so glad she was able to use her summer vacation to help us bridge the gap between when DH went back to work and daycare starting Monday. We chose my older sister and her husband as our daughters God Parents. It was nice for the two of them to get to spend quality time together. We also spent time watching the shows "I'm Having Their Baby" and "The Baby Wait." Watching those shows gave us an opportunity to talk about adoption without necessarily discussing Baby Girls story. At the start of her stay my sister would use "give up" and by the end of her stay if she said "give up" she would correct herself and say "Placed." I never specifically told her to change the way she spoke but thru our conversations I think she understood why I had a preference. It means a lot to me that she took the time to listen to me as the "expert" and molded her language based on my preferences. Unfortunately for us our family lives far away and so we dont get many opportunities to spend time having them get to know Baby Girl but I'm grateful for each opportunity they get.

blog

So my plan from day one was to blog until finalization. Finalization is the 29th but my sister is staying with us until the 25th to watch Baby Girl before daycare starts on the 27th. I don't like blogging from my phone so I've taken a pause while she is here. We also will have family in town for the finalization and some of them are planning to stay until labor day. I have a few more topics left, then I'll close this chapter. This blog has provided me w an outlet to express my joys, frustrations and sorrows. I will miss it but I think it also will allow me to take a step away from adoption and just be mom.

Crawling

My baby crawled today for the first time!  DH and my older sister were home to witness and video tape- but I was at work :(  She has come so far from that sick baby we met.  She has been strong from the start and I can only wait to see where she goes in life.