three months of waiting

The 7th of January marked 3 months of waiting it also was the day we finished adding stripes to the green nursery! I love the way it turned out. I also have worked on upholstering the rocking chair which was fun but trying as I wanted it to look perfect. We have received a few e-mails from the agency letting us know that there are a few mothers who are in the process but not ready to look at books yet. I'm in a little calmer spot now, maybe i'm just getting used to waiting.

We went to a friends daughters first birthday party. It was a sad reminder that we have been waiting and wanting a baby longer then she has been alive. I did have a lot of fun playing with her though and was able to enjoy myself rather then being occupied by green envy.

Exciting news that the pumping is working!! My mother contacted a friend who is a lactation consultant (retired) about breastfeeding babies that are adopted. She has two grandchildren that were successfully breastfed who also were adopted which is good to know. She is sending me some information that will hopefully help. It sounds like she thinks it can be done without taking hormones which I am most interested in.

Happy New Year?

So i'm trying to stay positive while ringing in the new year. December 31st we spent the day painting the someday nursery green and in the next day or so i'll add the brown accents. It was fun, I like the color and its one less thing to be done. With the exception of the bathroom (slated to be completed in february), and our bedroom the house will be finished. I surprisingly was not too sad about the transformation of the room but more excited. I'll be happy to get to enjoy the room in the mean time.

At the same time I also rang in the new year with my doomed cycle. Nothing gets me more down then the obnoxious flow of hormones and period blood. So added to the annoyance is the reminder that another month has passed with no baby. At this poing we have tried longer then I was in graduate school which also means very soon we will have waited for almost half of our marriage for a baby. Its hard, life consuming, depressing, annoying, frustrating, spite inducing, and the list goes on each time my menstrual cycle rears its ugly head. It has in a way gotten easier but it continues to be a monthly reminder of whats just not in my cards again this month. I try to focus on the positives- more time to do things, save money, live flexibly, become more ready for the arrival of a huge responsibility. Unfortunately i'm not that great at convincing myself especially when I see others half as prepared doing a decent job at parenting (it pains me even to say that because i'd love to see them fail). When half of my month is consumed by my cycle it only leaves me half the month to somewhat forget and enjoy the freedom and free time. The other half of the month leaves me depressed, unmotivated, and wishing I didn't have to get up. So when people remind me of "all the time I have now" its really not a time saver to be childless when there is nothing more that I want then to be cleaning up spit up (remind me of this when that day comes :) )

breastfeeding101

So I found an unused breast pump online and have started to pump. I have scrounged the net to find out how to induce a milk supply. I'm already at a loss since I had a breast reduction about 10 years ago. There is limited info on the net. My basic understanding is that I can routinely pump until we get a match. At that point I need to pump every 2-3 hrs. I REALLy want to breastfeed and I'm worried um going to be disappointed.

On a side note during my internet search I read a site which basically equated an adoptive mother breast feeding to child molestation because the child is not biological... I was surprised but I guess I now am better prepaired for ignorance.

greatgrandma

Our baby will only have one great grandparent which is my grandmother on my fathers side. When we first started ttc it was just prior to DH only surviving grandparent his grandfather was diagnosed w bone cancer. Unfortunately he passed quickly and never knew our good news. Tonight I was able to tell my grandmother we were waiting for a baby to adopt. She was happy and wished that it would happen quickly though due to her dementia she won't recall the next time I talk w her. Infact she asked me tonight if I already had any children. She always wanted greargrandchildren and never made this a secret it just makes me sad that she won't be able to enjoy her wish as she only lives in her present moment in her present truth.

life must go on

Another month is about to pass. Two months down who knows how many more to go, but life must go on. This month is a little easier. My menstrual cycle definitely brings up stronger emotions. Tuesday night I watched 16 & pregnant before going to sleep. I had a dream that night that I wad pregnant and had been for three months I felt really stupid because I had not realised I was. I then at some point realized that I had my period. My dream was vague as to if it was a miscarriage or just my period.

I was surprised thanksgiving wad much easier then I expected. Last year I cried because I wanted to be pregnant. This year I know I'm just waiting for my call. The day after thanksgiving my in-laws and D.H. went to a tag sale at the retirement center my mother-in-law works for. I initially did not see anything that caught my eye until D.H. and I sat in the balcony. I found our nursery rocking chair. Lucky for me its cover is ugly because it was over looked... w a little tlc ill have the chair that I'm going to rock my baby to sleep in.

Other life choices are challenging to make while life goes on. We NEED to remodel our bathroom as we have a mold problem. However in terrified to pay for the remodel since I'm worried that we will get a match but have to pass our baby acre because we we paid for the remodel. The other hand it doesn't make sense to put life on hold for something that could be years. I also would never bath my child in our current bathroom..... so life must go on until we get the gift we are waiting for.

Baby stuff

So when is the right time to start getting baby stuff? It's not a pregnancy where you know how long before the baby is born. You also don't know the gender. So since there is probably no "right" time I have been browsing craigs list. Our first purchase was a snugli baby carrier. My only hesitation is that it's going to take a long time and the stash of things will be a reminder of how long it is taking.

October came and went

October was a bitter sweet month. We were approved to adopt which is exciting happy news. We know our book has been shown at least once to a mother that won't likely choose to create an adoption plan. We know we are on our way to waiting an undetermined amount of time. We have taken the time to read. I have read Scott Simons Baby we were meant for eachother and a frank book by a woman that adopted a biracial baby.

The sad aspects of this past month was that the fertility doctor gave us the month of October as the month that if we were not pregnant by we wouldn't be able to conceive on our own. October was also the month we moved into our home. As well as the month another friend announced their pregnancy. October is also the month of two useless menstrual cycles.

I try to mitigate this disappointment by reading, keeping busy, and realizing that I will get more time off if our baby does not arrive until march or later as I recently changed jobs. I also took time last Sat night to write our Rep Peter Welch as his office provided us w incorrect info on tax credits. I also shared w him that there should be legislation that would allow me to be paid for my FMLA as my coworkers that birth their children. Since my employer pays their employees using short term disability for FMLA I don't qualify. While their insurance pays for all expended for the pregnancy and recovery I on the other hand will shell out 1/3 of our income prior to taxes in order to pay for the adoption and take my FMLA.

I don't expect to actually make a change however it keeps me busy.