sharing

I've been blogging for over a year now as we contemplated adoption, then the home study and now the waiting. Besides DH and one friend that found my blog no one knows I'm blogging. I've shared my page w others that I've never met but have not uttered a word to family and friends. In part I have not shared because I want the blog to be a true reflection of our journey. It however also could be a great means of communication. I have still avoided names and spoke in generalities so in case others find it there should be no self identification. I've started to contemplated reading the blog from the start and removing posts that may be too revealing of who I am talking about... and share it. I've also contemplated sharing it as is knowing there are likely a few blogs that are honest and could possibility cause hurt. I also could just continue as is and let them find me if they do.

Updating our Book

DH and I are going to visit my sister, parents, and friends back in WI/MN until the end of the month. I think once I get from our trip to Wisconsin/Minnesota I am going to start updating our Dear Birthmom book. I have been researching breastfeeding but I feel like I need to DO something. Going home and visiting my parents will hopefully give us lots of new pictures to use. It will be a year as of September that we completed our first book. I can't believe that we are approaching a full year of waiting.

I'm Not the Only One

This week I have made a few connections which make me realize that i'm not the only one. Saturday July 9th at the neighborhood block party we got to spend time with our neighbor and her son. They had just finalized his adoption the day before and it was really exciting not just for them but to realize that one day that would be us.

I also this week e-mailed out to the group of other waiting families. The social worker before she left formed an e-mail group based on those that were willing to have their e-mail addresses shared. I just threw out there a question about if anyone had heard about when they would hire a replacement for Kate (our social worker that recently left). Sounds like they should have someone hired by July 31st. One of the other mom's to be also indicated that she had heard that there were about 4 babies that would be needing placement in the next month.

Last but not least I found a blog site that has links to other blogs related to open adoption. Parents that had already finalized, biological birth mom blogs, children that were adopted blogging, and those like us waiting to adopt. After spending a few hours reading blogs I realized that i'm not alone, and i'm not the only one that wishes people knew "the adoption language." My favorite was when someone asked "where did your baby come from?" stating either the state/city you live in.

I do need to figure out a polite way of telling people that its none of their business when asked why we are adopting. I've tried saying "because I want to have children" but that still often leads to the why cant you have "your own."

asking for help

Asking for help isn't a bad thing. I tell my patients this all of the time. I encourage them to ask family and friends for things they can't do for themselves. I also encourage them to use a professional counselor when they are stressed out or overwhelmed by their situation. It's always hard for them but once they do they are grateful and realize that its harder to live without help then it was to ask for it.

So I'm finally willing to admit that I needed, need and will need help. It won't make me less of a mom and hopefully my baby will learn early that its ok to ask for help. Dealing with the emotions of infertility as well as the constant absence in our home hurts. I realize that external things cannot "fix" hurt and sadness. My biggest fear was that baby would arrive and I would be filled with do much hurt and sadness that I would not be the best mom. I also feared rejection on the part of my baby as if it would know that I was lacking in some profound way that prevented me from being a mom. So besides DH I for a few months have been meeting w a counselor. I wish I had asked for help sooner.

Now I just have to keep on asking for the help I need.

Fitting

I found this quote tonight while doing research on breastfeeding. It was from another adoptive mother to be and I thought it was fitting:

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity." -- Gilda Radner

For those of you that know me personally know that I like order and control. I like to plan and predict. I like to be prepared. I think this journey has been a HUGE life lesson in being flexible and having to learn that you can't have control over everything. I think I continue to present an image of control and confidence but in reality in my position I have zero control. Thats terrifying and i'm trying to learn that its OK.

I'm ready already!

Car Seat- check
a few outfits- check
cloth diapers- check
pack n' play- check (its been offered & accepted just not in our house)
stroller- check
pump- check

Come on already- I'm ready!

I really wanted him/her to arrive by next week because we are going home to visit. It would have been nice.

Now I have my eyes set on December. Please please please before I'm 30.

Silver Lining and other ramblings

Yesterday I found out that I will be getting more then I expected as a settlement for the car accident that I was in in February. Granted I now have a car payment which I did not previously have however I have a car that will fit dog, baby and stuff much easier. We also will make a leap towards achieving our final goal for saving for the adoption. We next will have to save to cover my maternity leave however starting in September I will have a school contract that only requires that I work one day per week. So if that baby comes before then we will use credit cards and pay them off with my contract or if the baby comes during or after the contract starts we will use that as my income which should be sufficient. It is nice to be in a place where granted the financial burden is still large but at least we are within a distance of our goal (plus we still have my parents checks) that I can breath easy.

We had a great time with friends this week. Both of the couples have really fun babies (well what baby isn't). It was nice to have fun and play with them and see how fast they are growing. It also made me realize that i'm really looking forward to my school contract this fall. I want to be a mother not because I want something for myself but because I want something for my children. I love seeing children explore and figure out new things and being a part of that is just plain fun. One of the fathers made a video of me and one of the babies playing and its hard to tell who is having more fun. While watching the video I hoped for my future self to remember that and to make sure when life is happening around us to stop and have fun. I frequently hope that this waiting and sadness makes me appreciate my family ten fold not just in the first few hours, weeks or months but forever.

Expecting... but I dont know when and no i'm not crazy.

So i've started to use the term "we are expecting" rather then we are adopting. It gets me out of the adoption questions from strangers and most people just accept it. I've occasionally been asked the due date which depending on if I want to mess with the person or not I may respond "we are adopting" or at times choose to respond "any time." Let me describe my stature I am 5'5" and 120lbs there is NO way i'm expecting "any time." I also have tried "I dont know" which also grants me odd looks. I always break down and explain we are adopting but I seem to get fewer questions about the adoption, the process, etc if I start it this way.

Responding "I dont know" rather then giving possible scenarios also i've learned shuts down conversations with strangers as well. Its not that I dont want to talk about it but sometimes peoples ignorance is just not worth dealing with. I have had very enlightening conversations with people I wouldn't expect since starting this process. Often though you get a sense when the conversation starts if people are asking because they want to become informed and are there to support you or are just being busy bodies.

I can't wait for people to tell me my child looks like me :)