Circle of Life and other life lessons

I was greeted this morning by an e-mail from my aunt explaining that my grandmother was placed on hospice. I have known that she has been declining for a while but the news was hard. I have always been close to my grandmother and moving to Vermont has made continuing that relationship challenging to continue as she has declined. Once I got my drivers license I used to drive down to see my grandmother and have dinner with her. I really cherish those dinners alone with her because I was able to get to know her as a person and not just the grandma that took us to the park and zoo. She always insisted on paying for dinner even though each time I really tried to pay because I wanted her to see me as an adult. She often spoke to me about wanting Great-Grandchildren during those visits. I used to joke with my sisters and cousins that there were a few conversations you could count on during the visit- grandchildren, and how she met Grandpa. By the time I married her dementia had set in and she really doesn't have a concept of me being married. When I called to tell her we were adopting her interaction with me was amazing, she asked questions, and was happy for us. She still wanted to know why I had not visited and wasn't sure if I was married but for a few minutes during that conversation I felt like we reconnected again and she was there. My Grandmother already has her first great-grandchild who is now one and another great-grandchild on the way (besides us). Unfortunately she isn't able to experience being a great-grandmother because she is unable to connect my cousin and her relationship.

We also got an e-mail from our social worker regarding a baby. I know I said I would be better at thinking "how did THEY have a baby?!" But this is one of those times when anger does slip in. Now i'm making assumptions (I will admit) however the baby has a brain injury (he was born typically developing) and now parental rights have been terminated. It makes me so angry that someone would hurt a child. There is NEVER an excuse for hurting a baby especially in a state where they could take their healthy baby boy to a police department, hospital, church, or fire department and say "I can't do it." Instead someone hurt this child to the point where a DNR is encouraged by the MD. Tragic.

Tears were flowing today.

Summer is for new beginnings

We received an e-mail from the social worker that is the primary case manager for our "type" of adoption (infant domestic) letting us know that she will be leaving the agency. It makes me sad because I really liked Kate and know that she knows who we are. We wouldn't be a book to her but rather a couple that she took through the home study process. June 9th Kates last day with our agency will mark 8 months and 2 days of waiting. So besides getting a new case manager who ever they may be our summer will be filled with many things to keep our minds off of our wait.

So one thing that i'm trying to do to start fresh is trying to change my attitude. Rather then looking at our "situation" as something that has happened TO us but rather something that we have chosen. Its hard in our (DH and myself) lines of work not to look at the drunk pregnant lady or the women that has not a clue that giving kool aid to her baby is not healthy and think "how did they GET a baby." We have choices we had options and we picked our path based on what was right for us. Its hard over a year after starting the home study process to remember what it was that made us PICK our path. Knowing that it would be impossible for me to "pick" an embryo to survive and terminate the others is something that would be challenging for me. It also would have been devastating to have gone through medical procedures only to find myself without a baby. At least at this point although our wait time is undetermined we know there is a baby just for us.

Tonight we fount one of our co-workers has chosen the name we picked for a girls name. Oh well I guess there maybe two girls with the same name. Life goes on. I think with my new perspective it allows me to realize that I have a choice in how I react to news like that. The couple did not pick the name to hurt me. I can have a moment of envy but it will not change our choice.

This is a summer for owning our decision and being happy with it. Happy for the time we have to take trips, enjoy unexpected adventures and wait for the phone call that will turn our world upside down in the best of ways.

Mothers day and seven months of waiting

I worked today and every one of my patients wished me a happy mothers day- I said "thank you." Its too complicated and honestly even though I dont have children I am a caregiver by trade. The kids in the schools and my geriatric caseload at the nursing home all require care and attention a child or family member would. I also received a gift from my DH as well as a friend surprised me with a card and flower on my car when I got out of work. Keeping those that are amazing and wonderful close I think is key I and I definitely have that.

I worked in my garden this weekend making great progress which also I think helped this weekend go without a sad tear (only happy ones). I know gardening will be a luxury that will be hard to make time for once the baby arrives. I forced myself to go to a party with DH knowing that it would be a family party. I got to snuggle with a baby and despite the mothers attempts at kind words I just let them roll off.

I've also pestered DH about taking more over time at work. He recently took an additional position at work that will mean he will likely get ordered in. Do I like it- no, but in time this will mean that once the baby arrives we wont have to worry so much about finances. Saving for the adoption has at times seemed like a mud slide between the bathroom reno and my car accident resulting in buying a car. I think having to save up is the single most stressful part of this process. My goal is to not have to borrow from my parents however we have achieved an amount at this point where we wouldn't have to borrow more then the tax credit that we would get. So between over time and spaghetti for dinner we are moving in the right direction again. I do love him dearly for doing this for us.

Spring, sun, friends/family and a fun schedule of things have my mood brighter.