So I have not posted in a while though I have blogged a few times and kept the posts private. Maybe in time I'll post them but at this time I've decided to keep a few thoughts to myself.
This past month was more challenging then I have had in a while. I honestly can say that I think I am depressed about our "situation." I have not yet determined what exactly it is that causes my low lows and my more hopeful highs but generally as a person I try to be optimistic. As we now have achieved exactly 24 months since starting to try to conceive and are less then a week away from achieving 7 months of waiting its hard to maintain a front of optimism and not be dragged down by doubters.
This past month a close friend from grad school who also struggled to conceive called to let me know that she was expecting. I was happy for her! It also was nice of her as she and two other of our grad school friends were all meeting that week at our national conference. Unfortunately though her extension of thought was over shadowed by her and the other women's negative attitudes towards my impending adoption. Within minutes of meeting one of the other women (I have not seen since graduation 2 years ago) she asked out of the blue "are you expecting?" and I responded no that I was not pregnant but we had been approved for an adoption as of October and we could have a baby any day now she responded "Are you OK with that?!" (implying the adoption) I responded that yes I was (I wish I had responded "thats a strange response to happy news" but i'm too freakin' nice!). When the subject of kittly litter boxes came up and I said that DH was still emptying ours the group of them responded very negatively and finally when the topic of breast feeding came up they strongly informed me that it was something I couldn't do!! I just wanted to CRY! These are professional women that work in HEALTH CARE and potentially work with mothers and their babies. I clearly am going to be the most informed on the topic since I'm going through it- it just made me MAD. I dropped the subject and unfortunately feel like i've lost a group of friends. Maybe at some point I will reconnect but it wont be for a long time. Never once did I ask (or did any of the other women) our friend that was pregnant if she was "OK with it" or tell her that she couldn't breastfeed if she wanted to. No one told her she was making poor food choices (i.e. maybe watching sodium intake and yes coke has caffeine just like coffee). I think what upset me most was that I didn't expect it from this group of women which was definitely a surprise to me. When I got home late that Saturday night (actually Sunday AM by that point) DH called in sick to work and stayed home with me which is really what I needed. I stayed in bed most of that day and just felt low
Easter was this past weekend and I had my in-laws as well as some cousins and my sister over. I was surprised by my in-law's!! My father-in-law fixed up the high chair that DH and his brother had used as babies and my mother-in-law had gotten us a t-shirt for the baby while they were in FL. My sister-in-law had her grandmother make us two blankets (have I ever mentioned on her how much I love my sister-in-law and her family!) In the future I think I will buy a high chair and bring the one they brought us to their house and say that there should be one at grandma and grandpa's house as it's the "old-fashioned" type that does not have good supports to keep the baby from sliding out and though he fixed the tray that had broken i'm not comfortable with the glue since babies eat off their tray. I also LOVE the Tripp Trapp Chair and want something that the baby can eat at the table with us. The t-shirt is for a toddler but clearly thoughtful as it was unisex and cute and in time will be used. I also got a text that weekend from a friend offering me some baby stuff her daughter had grown out of. Oh and the best surprise from my father-in-law was an off handed comment that tuning the piano would be a perfect mothers day present. Now honestly I'd rather reach our adoption savings goal to having a tuned piano but how freakin sweet!! I THINK they get it (trying not to get too hopeful so I dont burst into tears the next insensitive thing they accidentally say).
I just need to let the happy surprises keep me high and let go of those who try to bring me down.
