TTABaby

let the 48 hrs begin!

2012-02-23T20:07:00.000-08:00

So just before 10pm tonight the stopped the medication order which means in one hour she will miss her first dose. She has to maintain without medication for 48 hrs which brings us to Saturday night. The don't do night discharges so she will be discharged Sunday. The agency here can't get anyone to the hospital until 2pm Sunday. The good is that if she gets a dose of the medication in the first 14 hrs it doesn't change the plan. The thing that sucks though is that we can't leave until 2 pm because of the agency, and we have a 7 hr drive ahead of us. I'm trying not to jump the gun too much. I don't know what the next 48 hrs will bring. I just want out w my baby healthy and happy w minimal delay... I realize that's too much to ask.

off medication?

2012-02-23T06:13:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at a train station 50 minutes before visiting hours start. Ever heard the expression worried sick? It can happen. My stomach is in a knot and I feel like my heart could beat out of my body. If she had a good night she is off the medication and we start the 48 hrs. Im so nervous. I want her off but in the same breath I'm worried that she won't react well. Yesterday she was so calm and peaceful. I hope she is ready to start her life outside the hospital.

As an aside both bparents came yesterday. I left after I said hello. Bdad was there for about an hour.

tentative d/c date

2012-02-22T11:46:00.000-08:00

We have a tentative d/c date of Sunday. I got the distinct impression from the agency here that she is not thrilled about Sunday but I could care less. The plan is to discontinue the medication tomorrow then she has to go 48 hrs w out medication. She is having a good day today so the plan stands as today.

Both the agency and hospital social workers had the nerve to ask if I was telling the bmom. I made it clear that it was their job. In part because I want the bmom to have the chance to express her desires for a goodbye as well as any other concerns. To top it off I'm sick of doing their job. This woman needs support and in less then a week I'm going to be gone.

so close while still so far

2012-02-20T06:53:00.000-08:00

We have one week until the lawyer goes to court and files the tpr paperwork. Bdad didn't sign his form w a witness so his won't be filed but I don't think he knows this. In PA they still get another 30 days where they would have to prove they were under distress when they signed. Bdad wouldn't have to though because of the paperwork error. He has visited a total of three times. Once before we were in the picture and twice since we have arrived. We at least would have a strong case to be her foster parents if it were to come to that. He has not acted upon many of his plans (he said he was coming at least three times and never showed up).

Baby girl is still in the hospital. She has two more weans of her medication then has to be stable 48 hrs without the medication. The weans have been everyother day which means we possibly go home next weekend. I'm trying to keep a healthy balance between optimism and pessimism as I want her to be healthy and home but I don't want to be disappointed. I'm sad we missed her first month at home. I'm sad she has yet to meet any of.our family and friends. I'm sad she is in pain. I'm looking forward to being home.

lactation

2012-02-16T06:40:00.000-08:00

WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT
Some of you follow because I'm attempting to induce lactation. I had significant changes which required nursing bras. Since I'm.unable to breastfeed at the hospital I've continued the protocol. Since bmom still is making the medical decisions and how baby girl is fed is part of her medical treatment I would have to get permission from.the bmom. I don't think bmom would allow it and so I have not asked. Bmom did not breastfeed any of her children.

Since arriving the changes in my breasts have reversed themselves. I no longer need the nursing bras. I believe the stress of being in the NICU in combination w the bparent drama as caused this. The last two days I felt feverish and cramped. They grew in intensity and believed aunt flow was sion to arrive. I went for a walk after dinner since that sometimes helps my cramping I suddenly felt two gushes. I was blessed to have a walgreens right there so I got feminine products. GRAPHIC CONTENT.... Not only was there a large amount of blood but also a mass of tissue. I called the doctor who finally called me back. She indicated that when someone does not have there period for months that what I experienced can happen. I thought twice about posting this but the experience was traumatic for me. It also is a.side effect that I have not read about nor did my doctor tell me about it.

I am continuing the protocol and will attempt to pump once I'm.home. I'm not optimistic. Although this is important to me I've said from the start that all I can do is try. If I fail its not due to a lack of trying. I will be sad but there is nothing I can do. Baby girl is loved no less if I have to continue to give her formula.

valentines day

2012-02-14T20:36:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day marks our half wedding anniversary. We have been married 4.5 lovely years and I.honestly can say I love DH more today then the day we married. I always knew he would be an amazing Dad and he has proven me right. He has been there for baby girl and myself. Completing tasks at home on the evenings he works then driving 8 hrs to spend the weekends w us. He is w out doubt my other half. The half I don't know how I survived before I knew him. Baby girl is lucky to have him to call Dad.

Just before Valentines day last year we had to turn down a baby. Valentines day was so sad for me. This year wasn't perfect w her in the hospital, me here w her and DH at home... But as the picture frame I made her yesterday states- hope, trust, faith.... Ee will be home together next year.

I Can Touch Her but Can I Keep Her

2012-02-13T07:28:00.000-08:00

Without divulging took much info bdad has started to waiver. He visited again and while w the nnurses said he wasn't certain. Here is the dilemma- there options are us or child protective services. It breaks my heart thinking of the alternative. For everyones sake I hope he comes to realize this. I realize w all open adoptions there are struggles but I have been uncomfortable w some of the situations baby girl has had to endure and I'm glad she will have no memory.

the 7th came and went

2012-02-09T18:05:00.000-08:00

Normally the 7th is a hard day for me each month for the past 16 months. I'm now in a new phase of counting. Counting the days until baby girl is better as well as counting to the tpr.

The interstate compact has been signed in both states as of yesterday. She must have known because she is making good progress on her medical status.

Bmom was supposed to visit tonight but didn't.

we met birthdad

2012-02-07T22:45:00.000-08:00

I met her Birthdad today. I get the distinct impression that he waited until my DH who is a police officer was out of town before he came. I feel like I've gotten myself in over my head and I just need out. I'm so glad baby girl is under the watchful eyes of amazing nurses while I toss and turn in bed at night.

While tossing and turning at night I've found a possible solution for discharge once the interstate compact is finalized (I've been told Thursday or Friday)

how long were your visits and the frequency?

2012-02-07T05:07:00.000-08:00

Our birthmother has visited every other day for the past week. Yesterday she visited for 5 hours! Unfortunately she kept rousing the baby which then the nurses score her down and means she stays here longer. I asked when she would be back and she said she thought Wednesday. She couldn't give a time so I didn't bother to ask for how long. HELP I want an open adoption but being alone in an unfamiliar city her visits are stressing me out! Am I crazy to think she might be changing her mind? Should I try to transport her to our state? I also feel like I'm becoming the social worker this agency here does not provide. Mom really could use support but I don't have the energy to support her and the baby. I get the feeling she is ready for her to go... Maybe bm feels obligated to visit since she is still here (the bm has a great deal of work to do to take care of herself and her two other children)

update

2012-02-04T09:07:00.000-08:00

She is beautiful. Mother signed last week. Dad signed but it was not witnessed. All family are on board. We have met birthmom and grandma. We are supposed to meet dad today. She will be in the hospital one month to six weeks. Keep us in your prayers.

Its Official

2012-02-01T16:25:00.002-08:00

We are headed to PA to meet our little girl! I'll be writing a journal but not sure I'll blog to often while I'm down there- I'll have to see what my access to a computer is. I hate to blog on my phone. So you will all just have to wait for details.

So what we can tell you is little girl is 7lbs 3oz, 48cm- and a strong girl. I love her already more then words can describe. Now I get to meet her.

PS in real life if you know us- we still are not sharing beyond those of you that read the blog and immediate family. Much Love!! :)

Love and Support

2012-02-01T16:25:00.001-08:00

The past twenty four hours we have been overwhelmed by love and support. My coworkers hunting me down and then as they stood by burst into tears when they gleaned what the conversation was about.

In trying to figure out what we were going to do for accommodations for up to sixty days my cousin offered her apartment which she does not use during the week. She then called me back today to tell me she looked at her hotel points and had enough to cover up to five nights in a hotel in PA rather then using her apartment in NJ.

Our friends who when we asked them if they would take our dog for the week while DH is down there with us didn't hesitate.

The Hosts for Hospital program that called us back and are going to look for a long term place for me to stay while I'm there. Rent free (they say nothing about but dont think I wont be giving a donation to the program- what a life saver for us!!!)

The pet groomer who moved the cats appt from Friday to this morning so our cat sitter doesn't have to deal w the hair. The rehab clinic that I go to for PT that changed my appt time and made my back feel better before I get into a car for 7 hours.

My dear friend who has been the first to text me when I'm down was also the first to non-stop call me until she had the answers she was looking for.

Not to mention our families. That can't wait to meet our little girl!

We feel loved.

Its Not Official

2012-02-01T16:25:00.000-08:00

Today January 31st I was evaluating a patient before I left for home. My pocket kept buzzing (I keep my cell phone w me at work). I jokingly told the woman I had to finish and leave because I couldn't keep my husband waiting. A coworker popped her head in a few minutes later and told me my husband was on the phone and needed to speak w me urgently and was on hold. I knew- no one had to say anything. I dont think I said good bye to the patient (truly not like me).

When I called the front desk it was busy. So I called DH- I knew what the phone call was about. All I heard was "This is it... There is a baby..... Philladelphia....alkja flaksj flas flkajs flaj sfd" I started to cry then I have no idea what he said after that but I told him I needed to come home to talk with him. I did not pass go, went to the office, clocked out, and left. (I urgently told my boss on my way out that I needed her to make sure my computer synced and that there might be a baby and I might not be back.) I now realize that I never finished the evaluation or the paperwork that goes along with it.

So there is a baby girl born 1/25/2011. She is over all in good health but will need to be in the hospital for an unknown length of time. We had a lot to mull over but our only hurdle we kept coming back to was- where are we going to stay while she is getting strong? Once we decided we could figure that out- there was only one clear answer YES!!

I just finally ate dinner at 8:30 and we have been frantically talking with family. We do have to wait for the birthmother to read our profile though both agencies felt comfortable that she will likely feel comfortable with us based on what she asked for. She wants an open adoption!! So tomorrow we wait for another phone call telling us if we can leave or not. The plan is to go to NJ first, stay the night with my cousin, and then travel to PA on Thursday to meet our little girl we have waited so long for. Your think that after waiting 15 months, 3 weeks and 4 days another two wouldnt be so bad- but I'm about to burst!

I wish I could be there now comforting her- I do know that until I get there her birthmom is standing by giving her the love she needs to give her. So many birthmom blogs I read say how much they wish they had taken more time w their baby and I'm glad the two of them will have that.

So now I have to get organized so I can leave the house-
TO DO:
-Laundry (include crib sheets)
-Pack
-Review list in diaper bag
-OMG I know there are a million things I need to get done and I can't think of what they are
-Pets are already taken care of
-cancel appts (PT, Cat haircut)
~~-Pay Bills~~
-Get checks
-Transfer money
-Get LactAid
-vac house
-mom house
-clean off desk
-clean out car

So before I get all these things done- Yesterday morning I was snoozing my alarm as usual and having light dreams. I visioned myself in the nursery, touched the crib, looked to the left and was startled because there was a baby in there- I jumped then I woke up. I told DH yesterday and he blew me off- he thinks I'm being superstitious and that "I always think about babies" but I'm not so sure. This little girl is meant to be.

Tax Credit

2012-01-30T16:34:00.000-08:00

Can someone riddle me this?

The tax law states that if you have adoption expenses but the adoption is not finalized you cannot make a claim on your taxes until the following year. So in our case we had adoption expenses in 2010 and we did not finalize. In 2011 we also had adoption expenses and we did not finalize. So I went to try to claim the rebate for the expenses we had in 2010 (the application fee, finger prints, book, etc $1500). Turbo Tax wont let me claim the $ because I dont have the name of a qualified child. I still have expenses though!

It does tell me that I would need to send a copy of our Home Study letter to prove you are in the adoption process. So why would the approval letter be sufficient if you need an actual child in your custody? Its as if they think that the love the adoption process and its expenses might lure me into paying for an application but not have intent to adopt a child.

Theoretically our child will arrive this year and we wont have to worry about the law sunsetting before we get to claim these expenses on our taxes. I'm mostly worried because we are not a family of great resources being able to get back some of the money we put into this process determines if we can have another child.

I dont get it. I'm frustrated.

I've also heard that claiming adoption expenses on your taxes increases your chances for an audit. Just one more way adoption makes me feel like a criminal.

Support and Understanding

2012-01-29T09:34:00.000-08:00

My little sister had a bed bug problem that was found quickly and was contained to the living room in her apartment. They had to throw out all the living room furniture. This would be stressful for most people but for her this is the second time an apartment she has lived in has had an outbreak (no fault to her either time). So she was a little stressed. She finally is in a place where its been long enough that her and her roommates are going to buy new furniture. She was stressed out because no one could agree on what they should get and really she just wanted life to return to normal. She said to me something to the effect of: I really dont understand what it must be like (to be waiting to adopt) but I know how badly I want a futon and I can't imagine having to wait for a baby. She went onto say she knew a futon and a baby were nothing similar except at this point in her life this is the big thing she is having to wait for.

In response to my blog about not knowing if I can go through our paper work being updated again this year a friend texted me the following: "You are one of the strongest women I know, you dont have to find strength you have strength!!! I know there may not be many comforting words now just know we love you and you CAN do this and WILL do this! Can't is a weak word! One day soon the reward will be worth it! XOXO" She said she couldn't offer comforting words but just by texting me she provided the support I needed that day. I don't think alone that I can go through the paper work again but knowing that I have the support of friends helps make the challenge more do-able. Besides I dont have a choice.

Another friend that I shared my blog has been e-mailing back and forth with me. She shared with me: "Something similar, (not really), is that we have decided not to purchase a house right now." She went on to discuss that since they are married people feel like they have a right to tell her what they think about them not buying a house (she didn't say anything about it but i'm sure people also feel they have a right to say something about if they are trying for children or not).

Maybe I'm getting more understanding that people around me can't get it because they have not lived it. Maybe I'm having an effect on my friends/family reactions towards me. Possibly a combination of the two. I have found that I'm getting better at letting the bad things slide off. For example: A residents husband asked if I had children I responded no, he asked questions about if we were planning on having children and I danced around the topic. Finally I shared that we were adopting to which he responded "You can't have your own?" To which I responded "Yes I can" Since my adopted child will be MY child (See my post "Are You Unable to have Children?" for a very similar interaction). He then told me that he didn't understand because he would only want a child that was blood related. I ignored his comment and said that if the adoption was closed that it would be challenging to know some information in the future but that was the only negative I found for my family, but didn't answer his questions about why we were choosing to adopt (my fertility is none of his business). He got huffy and left the room. He still had not returned by the end of the treatment (1 hr). I was confused as to what had made him so upset. That night I was replaying the conversation in my head while making dinner... when I realized... I THINK HE THOUGHT I WAS A LESBIAN!!! LOL To test my theory when I saw him next time I made sure to mention my husband, talk turned again to if I had children and then he said "oh yeah right you are adopting" like it was no big deal.

Everyone has their own experiences and hardships. Just like I will never understand what it like to live through bedbugs not once but twice my sister I hope will never experience infertility. This process has not only forced me to grow and change I think its forced those around me to grow and change as well. I hope that I am as good as they all have been at expressing that I can't understand specifically what they are going through but we all have been through rough times of our own.

It Doesn't Seem Real

2012-01-28T06:31:00.000-08:00

DH told me the other day when I asked him if he feels ready to be a Dad. He shared with me that honestly the process doesn't seem real. I agreed with him. The only real tangible that I have is the nursery and even that seems odd. Strange to have a couple, their dog, and cat living in a house with a nursery. Each time I go in there I make physical contact with the crib as if touching it will make it feel real. A real baby will sleep in the crib. A real baby will rock in the rocking chair with me. A real baby will use the diapers and ride in the car seat.

The nursery is an odd room at this point like a crossroads. When you walk in to the left of the door is a crib and straight ahead is my desk and file cabinet. Across the room from the crib is the changing table. Across from my desk is the futon I bought when I first moved to New England and had my first place which is now piled high with baby stuff- car seat, tub, and parts to the changing table. In the closet is the dresser that once was filled with my clothes and now holds the gifts we have received. Hanging to the left are my dresses and to the right are baby outfits.

Its a room to hold my stuff and the baby stuff. At this point its not really functional for anyone. Its too full of things for me to productively work and its not space to care for a baby in. I can't get myself to clear my desk away because it doesn't make sense at this point to cramp DH's office with my stuff as well as I feel like it is somehow less depressing to have the room still "function" as my office and a nursery.

I hope someday soon we will be thrust into parenthood. Neither of us will be truly ready only because parents never are. I have heard of friends telling me when they gave birth to their children it didn't seem real so I consider it natural that it wont feel real for us either. No matter if it feels real or not the baby will cry, need to be fed, diapered, and loved- we are ready.

Ich Liebe Dich (I Love You)

2012-01-27T12:44:00.000-08:00

I was nominated for the Liebster Blog Award by one of the amazing moms I follow. It isn't clear where the award started and its not adoption related but its based on love and well... thats what adoption is all about. Liebe means love in German and liebester means "favorite" or dearest."

Robin searched and I searched and neither of us found an origin to the award but the award was a kind gesture and I appreciate Robins admiration of my honesty on my blog. The Liebster Award is for “little blogs” with fewer than 200 followers and is a way to spread the word about your great finds.

Five blogs I’ve nominated:

Maru is a Mom and now an occasional blogger. Her words of wisdom from her process continue to support and give hope to those of us who are still waiting. I had the pleasure of getting to interview her as a part of the interview project in November of 2010.
http://bringourbabyhome.blogspot.com
Amber is the wife of a police officer, a Mom to her son, and a waiting Mom like I am. Her blog has reminded me of the hope that I had at the start and reminds me of the hope that I need to continue to nourish.
http://alacartebaby.blogspot.com/
"k" Katelyn a birthmother who until recently blogged anonymously as I have. She has helped me a great deal in understanding the part of the triad thats voice is often heard the least. "K" has a strong voice and will become an amazing social worker. http://100letterstoyou.blogspot.com/
Cathy's blog is fun to follow and is a mom to a rambunctious toddler. She is the queen of play dates (I'm going to have to get some tips from her in the future). Her photography catches precious moments as her baby grows. The smile on her boys face gives me hope each day that my baby will be in my arms soon.
http://catsfilibuster.blogspot.com/
Paula my amazing friend from "real life." Who is a hard working Mom. Not only does she cut my hair and make me feel amazing. She also is a great listener and my original follower (besides DH). Her blog is an insperational diary of getting back into shape after the birth of her terrific two year old.
http://paulatraynor.blogspot.com

*Honerable mention to the woman that nominated me Robyn. She is honest and direct in her posts. She is a mama lion and is a super star when it comes to being a working mom. Love her blog!
http://chittisterchildren.wordpress.com/

The rules of this award are:

Show your thanks to the blogger who nominated you by linking back to their blog. Thanks Robyn!
Nominate five other blogs with 200 followers or fewer by posting a comment on their blogs.
Post the award on your blog.
Check out what the other up-and-coming blogs have to offer.

Part Time Mom

2012-01-23T13:50:00.000-08:00

So its official that in the coming months I will move from 5 days per week to 4 days per week. I will have a Friday, Saturday, Sunday weekend. This means I can continue to get things done like doctors appointments, banking, post office, etc done on Fridays. I will continue to get Saturdays off... and then.... the best part I GET SUNDAYS OFF again! This will mean I get to go to church again!

Its hard to work Sundays, leave for a few hours then come back. In addition its challenging because I want to bring my child up in a church family. Honestly once my child grows up they can become any religion they want but to have some kind of spiritual guidance is important to me. My parents were not overly churchy but we went to sunday school as children. I gained a great deal from it. I also feel like its a much needed break each week to reflect on all that is good.

So when does this all happen? This is happening in part because a co-worker is pregnant with an unexpected fourth baby. This means that she is looking to pick up a few extra hours. Her husband has normal weekends (Sat/Sun) and is able to be home with the children so she wants to work on the weekends. So likely she will work her current shift until after her maternity leave so unless my baby arrives sooner it wont happen for another 9 months.

I have some reservations because a plan only truly official until it happens. Its dependent on her really wanting to work three days per week to her current two. Sometimes its amazing to me how life comes together I'm just a little skeptical until the plan comes together.

Part of my plan is to pick up a per diem job to get a sense of some of the other local employers. I will work those jobs on Friday/saturdays/Sundays that DH is home. It is a financial risk for us however part time daycare is always cheaper then full time daycare.

Strong Enough

2012-01-22T16:46:00.000-08:00

My parents taught me how to be a strong woman. There was no pushing us around. If something wasn't right we were taught to speak up even if it was to authority. It got me in trouble a few times but it also has made me the woman I am.

I've been through my share of struggles. Life has yet to be a cake walk for me- we have worked hard to get where we are and continue to work towards where we are going. Which is why lines like "God doesn't give you challenges you can't handle" or "This experience will make you stronger" dont cut it for me. I don't think we were put on this path because we need to carry a burden to make us stronger or were given this challenge simply because we were already strong enough.

I often think "Why us?", "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?" I know there is no answer for these questions.

Sometimes I have a weak moment and think- maybe we were given this "challenge" because we could do it or because we needed to gain more strength but damn it I AM strong enough already and someone else can take on a challenge for a change. This didn't happen TO us it is rather it is the experience we are living through to achieve what we want. I struggle with the desire for people not to feel sorry for me while in the same breath I want people to understand my experience. Often I think people think this is one in the same.

Just when I think I'm giving in and am weak I get a text like this one:
"You are one of the strongest women I know, you dont have to find strength you have strength!!! I know there may not be many comforting words now just know we love you and you CAN do this and WILL do this! Can't is a weak word! One day soon the reward will be worth it! XOXO"

Encouragement

2012-01-21T19:12:00.000-08:00

Today I had a really nice conversation with my neighbor who induced lactation using the short version of the protocol I'm using. We have played phone tag for a while and finally chatted! She had a friend who has a lactaid that she is going to loan me. The lactaid can be used by anyone and is known as a supplemental feeder. The baby is at breast and the lactaid has a small tube that ends at the nipple so when they suckle they are drawing milk from the lactaid and possibly from the breast as well. In my case I hope to only need the lactaid initially but I'll do what I need to do to feed my baby. The funny thing is last weekend I almost bought one but didn't. They are a little pricey but you can get them with a prescription and then its a medical expense.

She answered my questions about her experience with the medication, supplements she used, and formula. She has similar beliefs as I do about formula which is why she chose to and I am choosing to induce lactation. Besides the health benefits to breast milk I'm also leery of the health effects of soy. Anything in moderation is good but to feed a baby only soy based products seems like a poor health choice. She provided me with a cookbook that had a homemade formula that she started to use w her baby when he was six months. She also shared her experience of getting only 1 oz per day initially!! She used the fast track and i'm using the long method so we shall see if I have better luck initially.

Before speaking with her I had sketched the mural that I'd conceptualized over a year ago. I had planned on maybe finishing it at some point this week. Her encouragement carried over to the rest of my day. I worked for the rest of the day on the mural. Besides a last coat of paint on the leaves and some shading of the tree trunk... my fall tree is done! It stands about 6 ft tall and I LOVE it. I think I was in part terrified of drawing on the walls... now I can't wait to paint on the walls again!! In honor of my success I am going to attach my first picture for my blog :) The picture is a few coats back but it will give you the idea of what it looks like.

I was telling my mom that I hope I'm not sending out fall baby vibes because I can't wait that long.

My aching back

2012-01-21T06:49:00.000-08:00

I've had trouble with my back for years. One worry I have which I never have mentioned in my list of fears is that my back will interfere with my ability to parent. There is not a position that my back doesn't hurt these days even with medication.

Yesterday I got a cortisone shot in my back which hopefully will allow me to get back to exercising and decrease my pain again. If the shot doesnt' work they will likely operate. I'm in a bind. Part of me just wants to get the surgery done with so the pain goes away and part of me realizes the success rates of surgery and wants to stay as far away as possible.

I know that I have emotions tied into parenting and back pain. My own mother injured her back when I was 11. Her health became her fulltime job. Responsibilities for my sisters and I quickly increased. All active activities like camping and hiking as a family ceased. My younger sister doesn't even recall our family doing those types of activities.

I realize how dramatic an injury can change a family. I worry that I'll be that change.

How Long its Been

2012-01-19T17:02:00.000-08:00

I'm frequently reminded how long we have been waiting in unexpected ways.

Three years ago we went to the neurosurgeons office to make sure my back could tollerate a pregnancy. Thats the last time I was there until Tuesday when the doctor reviewed my last visit. I remember her telling us to have a baby, wait until I was thirty and then come back for surgery. Well I dont have a baby I'm 30 and I might be back for surgery.

Two years ago our friends baby was born. We went to her two year old birthday party this past weekend. I remember when her mother was home on maternity leave we stopped by. We already were talking adoption. I had contacted our agency and had research our options.

We may have "only" been waiting one year, three months, one week, and five days, but thats our adoption wait time. In honesty we have been waiting much longer. Before our application was approved we were waiting to wait. Before we were waiting to wait we were waiting for an infertility doctor to answer our questions. Before we had questions for an infertility doctor to answer we were waiting for our trying to work. Before we even started trying we were waiting for the right time to try. Before we started waiting together for the right time to try we were both waiting for the right person to try with.

Asking for What I Need

2012-01-17T16:53:00.000-08:00

Asking for what I need isn't exactly my strong point. I am more apt to struggle with a problem until it boils over. Case in point: I mentioned in passing about three weeks ago to my boss that I wouldn't be able to work Sundays after the baby comes (DH works rotating weekends and besides picking his shift has no flexibility in his schedule). She informed me that "we would see" and "work out the details when the baby came."

I literally got to the point where I broke down. It was causing me not to sleep thinking about having to leave my child in unknown childcare on weekends (because we dont have family in the area). The idea of inconsistency weekend to weekend drove me crazy. Then it made me start realizing that at some point after waiting all these years for a child i was then going to leave it. So the idea of child care in and of itself started to drive me crazy. Then I broke down. Sobbing.

I couldn't ask DH for me to stay home because I'm the "bread winner" at this point. So staying home full time for me isn't an option. Staying home for DH isn't an option either because his career is dependent on years served. He also doesn't have part time as an option. When I was sobbing I couldn't put into words what it was I was sobbing about or express to him what exactly it was that I was going to need.

The next day I was able to tell him. I dont need to stay home full time but I also need to be home as much as possible. We dont need lavish vacations because once baby arrives there will be no time for them anyway. We have been squirreling away money for the adoption and prior to that we were saving for a house and prior to that I was in grad school so its been a long time since we "lived" on two incomes. He agreed and didn't seem to question our ability to live on a just a little less. Likely it will put off baby #2 but thats so highly dependent on tax credits/rebates anyway there may not be two. On top of baby 1 hasn't appeared yet anyway.

So Sunday I wrote my boss a note and left it on her desk for Monday. She stopped in briefly but was primarily home Monday because of her baby being sick. She paged me and asked if I wanted to talk then. I knew I couldn't have the conversation without tearing up so I told her I'd talk to her today. When I got into work today we spoke for a few minutes. I told her I wanted to work less once the baby arrived. I told her that I'd be flexible and if she found someone sooner that was looking for hours I'd be willing to cut back sooner (I'd just work per diem somewhere until baby arrived on my "extra day off"). She asked if I had thought about what day I'd like it to be... this is where I struggled. I told her that I want to be home on Sundays to go to church. I also reminded her that Sundays would be challenging for me to work. I then back peddled on myself and told her that I'd be flexible and could possibly work the Sundays DH had off.

Sometimes I'm too flexible and dont look out for me first. The upside is i'm dependable and willing to make things work. The downside is i'm easily taken avantage of (because I let it happen). I need to be better at asking for what I need and being specific.

The moral of the story is my DH agreed with my assertion that I couldn't work full time and be the mom I want to be. My boss agreed to look into a way to make my outlook for my family work into my work schedule. If I get three days home w. my baby I will be blessed as not everyone gets that opportunity.

Change

2012-01-16T14:26:00.000-08:00

Its amazing to me how quickly my outlook can change. One moment I'm blogging about being reduced by our situation and then I stubbled across a petition for making adoption more affordable. In and of itself it did not change my outlook but I posted the link on my facebook page. I asked people that we looking to support DH and I, could by signing the petition. I'm sick of having the rebate/credit go year to year. It makes our adoption plans shaky. We will be able to adopt one child but without the rebate its going to be challenging to adopt baby #2. A credit is better then nothing while no refund or credit would likely mean we would have an only child. Its not right and its not fair.

Sharing the link made me feel like I was doing something but one response I received in particular made my day. A friend from college e-mailed me telling me she had been considering adoption for her family. What she will decide with her husband I don't know but the response I had to write was real but optimistic. Adoption is expensive, potentially a very very long process, its heart breaking, and bigger then "getting" a baby. Until you live the experience you never realize the process. To outsiders it does look like one day you are a childless and the next you are not. I did not focus on this aspect though but rather as a means to grow a family that guarantees a baby to love someday.

If you are interested please sign the petition here.

http://www.change.org/petitions/make-adoption-costs-fully-refundable-in-the-2012-2013-tax-years

Reduced?

2012-01-15T17:11:00.000-08:00

I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.

- Maya Angelou

I found this quote on a friends facebook page today. This weekend has been a little rough. I took last Sunday off (my Monday) to go to Stowe. A coworker had taken Friday off and then called in Sick Thursday. I was the one asked to work Friday. I have no ability to say "NO" so I had a one day weekend.

I'd like to chalk it up to no weekend but I've been cracking recently. I have zero tolerance for people which really just isn't like me. Monday I couldn't fall asleep because of my back pain and thoughts whirling in my head. I went in to the room DH was in i'm not sure for what but suddenly just started to sob uncontrollably. DH didn't have a clue as to what was going on.

I feel recently that I'm being reduced by our situation. I am starting to lose faith in the process. I grow more bitter each day and I'm disapointed with the person I'm becoming. I know intelectually that I have control over my thoughts, emotions and actions but there is only so long that I feel that I can step up and live despite my sadness.

I did have glimmers of happiness this weekend. We went to our friends daughters two year old birthday party. I also spoke with my little sister on the phone and when discussing summer plans she indicated that we should consider the possibility that we would have a baby with us. I had a harder time considering this possibility then she did.

Books

2012-01-14T05:33:00.000-08:00

I got a copy of My Family, My Journey- A Baby Memory Book from my cousin for Christmas. I unfortunately/fortunately already had this baby book. A friend of mine had gotten it for me over the summer. I actually already have it packed for the hospital so I know what pictures I'll need to take right away. Its really nice because it is a baby book specifically for a baby that was adopted. I have another book that I plan to put together for the birthmom called The Day You Were Born. I will likely get two copies of that one so we have a copy as well. The Day you were Born is not an "adoption book" it will focus on the first hours with their birthmom and one thing I've learned by reading birthmom blogs is they all wish they had taken just a little more time with their babies the day they were born. I hope I can get all the pictures the book requires but I think it would be a perfect birthmom gift (I'll write another post on birthparent gifts I have some mixed emotions on this one and well... too much of a tangent for this post).

So the books I exchanged the baby book for were:

Tell Me Again about the day I was born - I think the most well known adoption book and I've heard it highly recommended a few different places. I'm looking forward to reading it.

Two Kinds of Love - A children's book based on the poem Legacy of an Adopted Child. I fell in love with the poem the minute I read it. If you look at the comments section of my post "Legacy of An Adopted Child there is a link to a woman who sought out the source of the poem apparently it was in Teen Magazine in the 80's written by a girl named Penny- who knows if this is true but the poem is perfect. I actually like the poem so much I might frame it and hang it in the nursery.

The Day we Met You- know little about the book but it seemed nice and it fit the price range I needed.

I'll let you all know what I think about them once I get them. I got a chance to buy a book for a friends daughter for her birthday. I was so excited to read the book to DH who had never heard it before. Books I read as a child still bring me excitement... Hungry Hungry Caterpillar, Caps for Sale, Anne of Green Gables (my dad would read this to us), Little House on the Prairie (my older sister loved these I could have done with out). I honestly think one of the things I look forward to most starting from day one is read every night to my baby (I have books in the hospital bag :) ). Children's books are so amazing.

Kid Time

2012-01-13T22:02:00.000-08:00

I've gotten a lot of baby time this past week. My friend who's maternity leave I covered invited us over for dinner. I held her baby girl and played with her son while her and her husband finished making dinner. During dinner her son cried because his lasagna fell apart when he tried to eat it and no one could calm him until I told him I was going to eat mine backwards and flipped my dinner over, took the bottom noodle off and started eating the bottom first. I then got to help put her little girl down for the night- she smelled SO good and her smile was contagious. Unfortunately my friends sister just moved in from out of town so my place on the babysitting list just fell.

Last night when we picked up the dog I played with our friends little girl. What a ham! All three of us (the little girl, myself, and my dog) all got into the dog kennel together. We played peek-a-boo and ran around a little (I'm starting to think i'm a bad influence on these kids). She is so close to walking she insists on having two hands for walking even though she clearly can do it with one hand. I got her to let me walk only holding onto one hand by tickling her every time she started to pout.

I know having kids isn't this much fun all the time but I look forward to making memories and seeing my children do things for the first time. Including the first time they eat their lasagna upside down.

Little side story- so the kids shop down the street is closing. The news just was announced and I called to see if they had any Britax infant carseats. They had one left that was being held and darn it the person actually went and picked it up. The bad thing is... this kids shop is the only place in the area that sells the infant seat. oh well.

Legacy of An Adopted Child

2012-01-13T22:00:00.001-08:00

Legacy of An Adopted Child

Author Unknown

Once there were two women,

Who barely knew each other.

One is in your heart forever,

The other you’ll call mother.

Two different lives,

Shaped to make yours one.

One became your guiding star,

The other became your sun.

The first gave you life,

And the second taught you how to live it.

The first gave you a need for love,

And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,

The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,

The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile,

The other dried your tears.

One gave you a family,

It was what God intended for her to do.

The other prayed for a child,

And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me

Through your tears,

The age old question through the years.

Heredity or environment…

Which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling… neither,

Just two different kinds of love.

Staycation

2012-01-08T17:12:00.000-08:00

I try not to count months too often but this weekend was 15 months of waiting. I try not to count because it wont make anything go any faster but ask me on any given day and I can tell you exactly how many months and days it has been since our official wait began. My wait could be over in days, months, or year(s) which makes counting depressing but there is no way not to count. If there is someone out there that has successfully waited (longer then a few months) that did so without counting I want to know their secret.

We met up with a couple who live in upstate NY in Stowe VT. We went snow shoeing toured Ben and Jerrys, went to two breweries, and a vineyard. At the vineyard (one of my favorites called Shelburne Vineyards) they had us sample a few wines they were trying to decide how to bottle. I'd like to say it was enjoyable but I was in a bit of a funk a good part of the weekend. DH as usual knows how to wrap me up in his embrace and love me anyway.

There is no one else I think I could endure this with... so here is a song for him.

Protocol update

2012-01-05T19:00:00.000-08:00

Almost three weeks in and my spotting as ended!! No aunt flow until after baby arrives (or 6 months which ever comes first). My breast hurt. In my middle school the boys had a game they thought was funny which was to bump into your chest "accidentally" to make your chest hurt. Thats how I feel now. Its not as bad as they were initially but still sore.

I called the MD about decreasing the mg's from 20 4x's daily to 10 4x's daily she said dont change a thing. She will see me again in February to make sure my blood pressure is good but I've been monitoring it at work on my own. I might be slightly elevated compared to my "norm" but I've also never checked my BP at work so it could just be work stressing me out. I normally run a low BP so a little higher isn't a bad thing.

I still have only missed the one pill. There have been a few days that my schedule has been off a little because of staying late at work or sleeping in but nothing too drastic. I need to call my neighbor about her experience but always seem to call her after 8 when her kiddos are in bed.

I Can't Do It Anymore

2012-01-04T16:16:00.000-08:00

I got to thinking that in about three short months we will be asked to update our fingerprints again. Each time an anniversary like this comes up I say "I can't do this again" but I inevitably do. Each Halloween, Birthday, Christmas, New Years, Anniversary that passes I say I can't go through another one without a baby. Somehow life continues and I even am able to enjoy the moments I'm in, but I can't help but saying aloud at some point during the celebration "I can't do this again."

The first time I was fingerprinted I was bitter, the second time I was passive, but the third time I honestly don't know that I can do it. The first time my background check was completed and my child support obligation investigated I was annoyed, the second time I joked the third time I don't know that I can do it. The first time my taxes were provided I felt invaded, the second time it felt like an afterthought to the stack of papers I collected, but the third time I don't know I can do it. My throat burns and my eyes water typing these words because I know there is a strong chance I'm going to have to figure out how to do it again. Somewhere I'll find the strength but I'm not sure from where.

New Social Worker

2012-01-03T15:52:00.000-08:00

We met with the new social worker. She is not new to us as she was an intern around the time our application was approved. She is young (I can't believe I'm saying that). Not just age wise but she acts young. We made a few minor edits to our preference sheet and reminded her that we are flexible and willing to hear about babies that are "outside of our perimeters." We increased our ceiling for what we are willing to spend on out of state adoptions which we thought was higher- so we set it to what we thought it had been. Of all the things that really stuck out on that sheet of paper we wrote on almost a year and a half ago was our ages: 28. She said she planned on starting the support group back up in February. The meeting was quick all of 15 minutes.

Two side stories- yesterday at work one of my patients wives stopped me in the hall to chat. She then asked if she could ask a personal question- I agreed (I didn't have to answer). She asked me what my "hopes and dreams are" because she told me she prays for me and the physical therapist that works with her husband. I asked her if I could think about it and get back to her which she did not seem offended by but seemed to welcome. I started to get up and walk away. I dont know what possessed me to do it but I turned back around and whispered in her ear "a baby" - we both smiled and I hurried away. This couple really touches my heart- I hope her prayers help. He will likely not be around our facility much longer and he will be one of those that I keep in touch with after he is done at our facility.

Second side story was a yahoo news article that I read in the paper this morning. An amazing story about a women that chose to place her child for adoption at a time where there really was no choice. The woman had become pregnant after being raped. The birthmother is now 100 years old as was just recently contacted by her grandson who put her in contact with his mother (the baby that she had placed for adoption). It sounded like from the article that the agency she worked with initially provided what we would now consider a semi-open adoption as they provided her updates when she would write to ask for them. It made me wonder if the "history" of closed adoption is not fully accurate but that there were more semi open adoptions then we know about just not on a formal basis. Anyone know anything about it? I'm intrigued. Read here

Measure a Year

2012-01-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!!!

I wont tell you what I wished for at midnight but I bet you can guess.

2011 was not the year of the baby for us. I told DH to call the hospital December 31st to make me up a bed if we dont have a baby by the 31st this year (the kind of bed thats in a padded room). This waiting for a baby thing really feels at times like I have my life on pause. There are a few job related changes I'd like to make but I feel paralyzed because I dont know when/if/where.

This New Years was easier to take then I expected with the social worker position being filled at our agency. She is not full time initially but at least there is someone. I also don't plan on letting her forget about us. I know its ultimately the birthparents decision but the agency does choose which books they present. I will be contacting her on a biweekly basis until the support group gets started again.

New Years Day was busy which is my MO when I want to forget about unpleasant things. I got up, cleaned, ran errands, put dinner together, babysat (we went to the museum so much fun- I never knew how much fun water, bubbles, and fish could be), and had friends over for dinner. DH and I went downtown for appetizers and a drink then kept each other up until midnight and instantly went to sleep. I worked today.

As more time passess I get crankier and try to stay busy thus I'm exhausted and more cranky (I dont think the meds are helping). So in true style I'm going to the hardware store to get the paint for a mural in the nursery. Its full circle since last year we painted the room and put up the trim on new years day. Next year I'll either be in the nursery with a baby or in a padded room without a mind.

Rent- Seasons Of Love
ALL
Five hundred twenty-five thousand

Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes

How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure
A year in the life?

How about love?

How about love?

How about love? Measure in love

Seasons of love. Seasons of love

JOANNE

Five hundred twenty-five thousand

Six hundred minutes!

Five hundred twenty-five thousand

Journeys to plan.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand

Six hundred minutes

How do you measure the life

Of a woman or a man?

COLLINS

In truths that she learned,

Or in times that he cried.

In bridges he burned,

Or the way that she died.

ALL

It's time now to sing out,

Tho' the story never ends

Let's celebrate

Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love!

Seasons of love!

JOANNE(while ALL sing)

Oh you got to got to
Remember the love!

You know that love is a gift from up above

Share love, give love spread love

Measure measure your life in love.

Hi Mom!

2011-12-30T11:53:00.000-08:00

So I shared the blog with my mom today. She was asking how we were doing. She was saying how hard it was for her to wait she couldn't imagine how we were waiting so "patiently." I think this blog might open her eyes up to how impatient we are waiting. She like all others has been sworn to secrecy so my blog posts will not change in content. (My Dad knows as well and he took the same oath).

AMAZING NEWS-
WE HAVE A SOCIAL WORKER AGAIN!!! I'm so happy to have a social worker the fact that its the student social worker that lead some of the support groups is a moot point. She is meeting with us next week Tuesday at 4PM. Expect a blog post at 5PM. :)

I also mailed back our last "loan" check. I'm a little disappointed we didn't need it (because it would have meant baby arrived sooner then we were ready) but I'm also relieved that our finances for both in and out of state adoptions are in order.

Have not heard from me in a while

2011-12-29T19:14:00.000-08:00

My Congressman has not heard from me in a while so I thought I'd send a note:

Dear Congressman,

I am writing again as a result of the poor and unpredictable funding for adoption in our country. My cousin was recently adopted in England at no expense to her family. Her parents got the same maternity/paternity leaves as any other parent in England. They were able to spend time at home bonding with their baby and not worrying about finances.

As I have written before my husband and I are awaiting the placement of our child with us. We are adopting domestically and hopefully from within the state of (my state). We work hard but are not wealthy. We will spend almost a third of our pretax income on the adoption once it finalizes.

Had our child been placed with us this year and the adoption finalized prior to December 31, 2011 we would have received a tax refund of $13,360 for tax year 2011. Unfortunately for us and our family we continue to have an empty nursery and the finances for growing our family are in question. We now maybe able to count on $12,170 credit IF we have a placement and finalize in 2012.

To add to the financial burden I do not qualify for a paid maternity leave as my coworkers that birth their children do.

The adoption of our child will benefit our child, us, our child's birthparents as well as the (my state) tax payers.

I look forward to hearing what you are doing to secure consistent funding for (my state) Adoptive families. I also would like to hear how we maybe able to address the inequalities in benefits employers are allowed to provide for families that birth vs. adopt their children.

Sincerely,
Me

Protocol

2011-12-28T14:49:00.000-08:00

If you are a TMI kinda person you may want to just skip down to the next post... but if you want to hear about how to protocol is going- read on :)

So I've still only missed one pill which is good for me given that I feel like I'm snacking on pills every few hours. I also now can relate to my patients on a whole new level. They get these little cups full of pills it seems like constantly. I've come up with a few new strategies for remembering meds. My pill box sits right on the edge of the sink so I can't miss it in the AM. I also make sure that when I have lunch my pills are the first thing I "eat." At the In-Laws house this weekend it was a little challenging because my routine was really different.

So hows it going? I'm sore and big. So I guess its working. I'm going to call the MD tomorrow to find out if she really wants me on the 20mg 4x's daily because I have not been on the 20mg 4x's daily for even a week yet and well... I'm big and sore. I also continue to bleed which is annoying. I got new bras today- how come no one has ever told me how comfortable nursing bras are!! I think I might never switch out of them.I figured if I'm bigger and my bra's are expensive either way might as well get nursing bras though I may still get bigger so I only got two of them. $84.00!!!!!

I love the bra store I go to. Its a small shop owned by a really nice woman that LOVES helping women with their bras. I was a little nervous going in asking for nursing bras. The woman kept looking at my belly then up at me with a confused look on her face. She finally asked when I was due and when I told her I didn't know because we were adopting she didn't skip a beat because she started to ask about how much my breast had changed. My guess is she has had other women induce or she is just that awesome. She also suggested that since I'm getting bigger fast that I start wearing support at night she said it would reduce the soreness and reduce the chances of "saggy" boobs.

Mother In Law

2011-12-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

DH called his mother on his way home from work yesterday. When he got home he told me "I just got finished with a very long conversation with my mother." I want to start by saying had my mother said something like his mother did (see post) I would have called her on it as well.

He told me that he lied and said he had overheard the conversation himself but had not stepped in at the time. He told her the two of us had not discussed it. He didn't tell her much about what was said except that she was "upset" that we would think that she though adoption resulted in her nephews poor behavior. She also was "worried" that I might think the same think that DH did about the conversation and that he needed to talk to me immediately about it. She apparently didn't recall "exactly what she had said" however she never meant to imply that the adoption resulted in his poor behavior.

I dont really care- I'm just glad she has been as DH states it "put on notice." I love him. He's going to be a great Dad.

Hope

2011-12-27T13:52:00.000-08:00

I got a Pandora bracelet for Christmas last year. My bracelet has a house on it and a spacer bead. This year my MIL got me another house and a spacer bead. I went yesterday to exchange the house for something different. I found a bead that said "Hope." Its perfect. Its what I need. Its symbolic because (although an exchange) its a gift from my MIL. It will symbolize my hope for her and the love she will have for her grandbaby and hope that I will have our baby in our arms soon.

I was initially going to put Jack Johnsons song "Hope" at the end of my post. Before I did I spent some time reading the lyrics and realize that his song implies that Hope is something that always disappoints. So instead I attached the song which came after "I Hope You Dance" which is so fitting because dancing is what keeps my mind off of this waiting and allows me to have hope.

Associations

2011-12-26T16:29:00.000-08:00

So I believe I'm mentioned this before but possibly not. DH's cousin is having a rough time of it recently. He just turned 20 years old. He is struggling in school (which is nothing new) and has not been successful at finding a job (which I dont think he is trying very hard at). He plays computer games ALOT and he is spoiled (no job but still drives a truck... where is the $ for gas & payments coming from?)

I have many of the same concerns as DH's parents do for their nephew. He isn't making progress towards his goals. He blames his parents for a lot and apparently voices this on FB (the only quote I could find on his FB about his parents ("I really like how my parents are shooting my weekends to hell on a regular basis. This shit is really getting old guys. Cut the shit already." ). I agree its disrespectful however I dont think he is the first young man transitioning from being a child to an adult has said/thought- there just is FB now.

Crapping on this nephew is not a new hobby. In middle school he never played sports and DH parents thought this was a problem and demonstrated he was "lazy." He has never been good in school because he has a learning disability (as does DH's brother but he played sports so he had some redeeming qualities).

So why am I talking about this on my blog? DH's cousin also happens to be adopted. He was adopted at birth. It was a semi-open adoption however the agency he was adopted with has since closed and no communication was ever passed between the birthmother and his aunt/uncle prior to the agency closing.

In the past discussions of our adoption would often segway into conversations about what problems this cousin was presently having. Was he going to graduate h.s.? Did he have a job? Was he lazy? This weekend my MIL finally went the other way... I walked into the conversation between my SIL and my MIL in the kitchen. My MIL was hashing out how she worries for her sister because of her nephews threatening FB posts (I have never seen one... unless she is misinterpreting some of his gaming quotes? I have no idea where she is getting this from). She was talking about how the stress her nephew is causing her sister may cause her cancer to come back (its been in remission for a VERY long time- I think before her son was born- I could be wrong). She then said "I wonder if its because he is adopted." (it was a statement not a question). I was steamed!! I took a moment to ask myself if she REALLY had said what I thought she said. I then stated very calmly "You know they (his parents) waited a VERY long time for him and he is an only child. I would think thats why he is spoiled not because he is adopted. I don't see what that has to do with it." I wanted to say "ARE YOU ******* KIDDING ME!??" but I didn't. I dont swear (at least not in public). My SIL then said she knew of only children that were not spoiled- no one said anything further about adoption. (I wanted to counter that I knew kids that were adopted and not spoiled as well but didn't go there).

After the conversation was over I spent some time alone with the dog. I didn't cry but I had to work hard to make sure that didn't happen. I finally had DH take the dog outside and I followed him out to tell him a brief sample of the conversation. I asked that he talk to his mother.

I do not think the issues have anything to do with his cousin being adopted. IF however he is going through identity issues because of the adoption then I think its important that his family help him get help to figure it out. If the issue is that he is studying something in school he isn't interested again I think its the families responsibility to help him figure it out. IF the issue is that he is still living with his parents and is spoiled again its the families responsibility to help him by giving him expectations. If its a combination of these factors again I think he needs help but gossiping in the kitchen on Christmas Eve is not a way to help. At another point when I suggested that DH speak with his cousin about what he needs to do to become a police officer (since thats what DH is and his cousin wants to be) my MIL told me that DH should NOT do that because it could be "dangerous." (not sure how?)

Initially I thought I was dreaming the association between our discussions about our adoption and DH's cousins poor behavior. About a year ago I called DH's attention to my "paranoia" and DH confirmed that it wasn't paranoia but it appeared to be a real pattern. My dear MIL has gone too far and now solidified this association and it hurts. It hurts my feelings but like I said to DH tonight its not my feelings I'm worried about its my child. Children are not stupid. If MIL expects our children to be ill-behaved and problematic because they are adopted they will know it. I wont stand for it and I have no problem protecting my children from her if thats what it takes.

DH plans to talk about her association between his cousins ill behavior and adoption. Hopefully she is receptive and can change her perspective. I'm not holding my breath.

Control

2011-12-20T18:29:00.000-08:00

I have a need for control and planning. I plan and then I make plans for the plans. I have a to do list on my phone that I can pull out when I have "down time." Tomorrow I have a to do list for my trip home from work (banks, wine shop, fabric store- in that order), then I'll write my final report for my school contract, followed by making my last two presents, laundry, packing, then bed. Thursday at work is planned (but thats required), then I'll come home, pack up the car, drive to the in-laws, and go to bed. I do not plan my vacations though- except to know when I'm leaving and when I'll be home.

Tonight I made a plan for our finances for my maternity leave. I have unpaid leave and I will not take one day short of 12 weeks off. I'll be OK picking up a shift if DH is on his "weekend" but I wont work other then that. So I tallied all the bills except the mortgage to make sure DH's salary will cover them with money left over for incidentals like baby clothes, formula, etc. I plan to have enough sick/vacation time saved up to have one full pay check which will cover one mortgage payment (its a constant ebb and flow but i've tried to keep it about 80 hours). I have then delineated which accounts our other two months of the mortgage will come from. At this point there is nothing left to do but I feel a little better now that I feel like there is a plan and thus control over something I have no control over.

This month I've spent a little more time organizing the nursery. Now that my school contract is over I'll move all my pediatric equipment out of the office/nursery and into the basement. Organization is just my other little way of forcing control in a situation I will never control.

Looking back at my blog from last December I spent time planning how I was going to breastfeed, and purchased a pump. I was planning our bathroom renovation. I also painted the nursery on New Years Eve. This year again I feel like I'm caught up in planning/controlling/organizing. I know I've blogged on this topic in October but just like our one year anniversary of waiting the month of holidays is another hard month. I look forward to Christmas at my in-laws and my sister. I know I'll shed tears, but I'm allowed that- we all are allowed tears.

I've tried to stop saying things like by next Christmas/Summer/Easter/Fall we will have a baby though I can't help but imagine next Christmas/Summer/Easter/Fall with a baby. Both are poor approaches for my sanity because I hurt when they arrive with no baby, but it also hurts to think of them without our baby. I read a blog tonight that talked about how it will be sad to still after infertility and waiting to not have the baby here yet and my inner dialog said "Christmas isn't here yet." Its always possible but then there is probable. To make it through my day to day I'm going to keep on planning/organizing/controlling, because thats what I do best when I'm out of control.

I Wish You Could Understand

2011-12-20T12:56:00.000-08:00

Until you experience something personally you never fully understand. I don't want people to understand what we are going through in a way because I'd never wish Infertility on someone else. As to truly understand you have to live it. I guess from my post on Sunday there also is evidence that you can live something and then deny the experience.

Last week I was discussing the protocol with my mother and how though I'd love to avoid taking the hormones I just couldn't do it the other way. The risks of taking any medication should be weighed and I feel and my doctor feels I'm healthy enough to complete the regimen (there is a risk of A-fib and increased blood pressure). She told me she wasn't sure it was a good idea but also trusted my opinion and knew that I had researched the protocol. At some point I snapped at her "You know you really are not in a place to give advice." She asked what I meant by that and I told her that as someone that could just decide when she wanted her next baby and it happened she really couldn't speak to my situation. She also could choose if she wanted to bottle/breast feed.

I received a card this weekend from her telling me that its true she doesn't understand and that she will try to be better at just listening. I do value her opinion which is why I talk to her but as I get older I don't always want her advice sometimes I just want an ear to listen. I do have the best Mom.

One of the reasons I think I write this blog is to have a place where I'm able to put forth my thoughts and receive no direction back. Often when I talk to my husband/mother/friends I'm not looking for advice I'm looking for someone to understand. To just hear me.

I think this journey has helped me become better at my job. I've never broken my hip, I've never been fully dependent, or in fear of not being able to return home. Sometimes not going home but moving to assisted living or a nursing home is the safest choice. Having someone just listen about why you are scared is far more beneficial then someone laying out the facts as to why you shouldn't go home.

P.S.
Protocol is going well I'm less nauseated in the morning and its gone within an hour. When the nausea waves over me I remind myself its just the medication, take a deep breath and try to ignore it. In four days I've forgotten 1 pill which isn't bad. I'm definitely seeing changes.

Oh boy

2011-12-18T15:40:00.000-08:00

I promise not to blog on every day of the protocol... but this morning I felt like crap! I never have experienced morning sickness but if I were to imagine what it felt like... thats exactly how I'd describe it. I sat on the bathroom floor this morning trying to convince myself that I had no fever and I HAD to get up and go to work because otherwise I'd have to work Friday. Brushing my teeth, taking my AM pill, and even the thought of food brought the potential of hugging the toilet. We did go to a christmas party last night but I by no means drank enough to warent this morning. UGH!

We went to a party last night that I was looking forward to but dreading all at once. I love the host, her husband and daughter. I love our common friends... but there is one person in particular that just makes our situation challenging. There are two types of people - people who take challenges, over come them and realize where they came from; then there are those that over come challenges and think they are better then others because of where they are now. This woman is the latter. She struggled with infertility. She actually had a blog I followed for a while. We had a lot in common. Baby announcements, ultrasound pictures on facebook, an over abundance of baby pictures of facebook (who doesn't post picture of there kids but there is a limit), ect were things that hurt her. She is now all that and then some. She has never once said anything about our adoption to me... she has only thrust her baby at me and asked if I want to hold it. She also talks baby talk which drives me CRAZY! I also get the sense that because she chose infertility treatments she some how feels her path is "better." It makes me sad in part because I know where she came from. I know her lows and I'm happy for her highs, but I wish she was more cognizant of her past. Its a good reminder though that when our buba comes that I cannot be that woman.

I want to be the woman that can support other women through there infertility (and hopefully their births/babies). If adoption becomes the plan I hope I can remember this part of my journey as well. I hope that since our LLL has never supported and adoptive mother through inducing lactation that I can help women with that as well. I want my experience to be a story of hope, joy and love.

protcol day 1

2011-12-17T09:46:00.000-08:00

I started the med protocol today. Remembering pills 4xs a day is going to be my biggest challenge. Since I do not take any medication normally. The funny thing is part of my job is to make sure my patients remember to take their medications after they go home. So I'll be using a few of my strategies until I have it in my routine. I've stored a few in my purse so if I'm out and forgot I can take them. I also am going to have to take them each day at work. I'll keep you all posted on how its working.

As an aside we went Christmas shopping today. I had to keep myself from going baby shopping crazy. I can't wait to buy Christmas presents for my baby!

Can't Complain

2011-12-15T14:10:00.000-08:00

The order for the medication has been placed to start creating it. It should be complete by 4PM tomorrow and will cost $160 which is a 5 week supply of the medication. Insurance does not cover the medication; however we have a health savings account I plan to use. I could get it from a foreign country but that would be illegal. She also put the prescription in for 20mg 4x daily after the first week but had verbally told me that she was thinking 10 would be sufficient given my small size. After the first week I'll have to re-evaluate. If the 10 is sufficient then the 5 week supply turns into 10 weeks which makes the protocol far more reasonable.

We have good insurance since my DH works for a municipality (funny thing is I work in health care and my insurance sucks)... but thats another blog. We met our deductible this year because I participated in a medical research study on infertility so the many tests were submitted as paid to our insurance company. So when I went to pick up the birth control medication for the protocol I didn't have to pay a dime.... on top of that my doctor ordered the medication as a 90day supply so I wont have to go back until March at which point our deductible will have reset and I'll have to pay again but in the grand scheme of things I'm lucky to have such great insurance. Say I had a $15 copay on the medication that would have been an additional $60 for the protocol.

Its a blessing to have insurance we dont have to worry about. Tonight I'm going in for an MRI of my back and because our deductible is met we wont pay a dime (now our deductible is high, but DH's employer pays towards the deductible).

If you dont have anything nice to say...

2011-12-14T18:57:00.000-08:00

... dont say anything at all.

My moms version of that growing up was unless you are going to help fix the problem don't complain. In our house you could gripe but you had to be able to fix it. So I debate....

Am I griping for gripe sake or am I fixing it?

Problem 1- We can't grow a baby...
Solution: Adopt a baby...

but its complicated!! With adoption there is the ethics of adoption (am I helping or hurting or both). Is my agency really doing everything they say they are (for the birthparents, the baby, and us)? Can I get people to understand and support us? Will my child understand the decision we made and think it was right? Will the birthmother after parental rights are terminated continue to think it was what was best for her? At times I think adoption can be just as controversial as abortion and IVF but thats a different post.

Problem 2- I can't just start breast feeding
Solution: Medications...

but its complicated!! The medications are hormones are hormones exactly what we are trying to avoid consuming in our food/drink? Will there be long term consequences? Will people think I'm trying to be like "other mothers"? (on top of the fact that the doctor just finally called in the scripts so I wont get the medication for another week because the pharmacy has to make the medication- I still dont know how much its going to cost but I'm ready for a BIG #... I'm going to keep myself from going on a rant but really?! Almost a week later and it only got done because I called!).

Problem 3- The protocol doesn't work if you dont have a due date
Solution: Formula or purchase breast milk from an unknown mom...

but its complicated! Its recommended babies get colostrum (the first milk which in my case will have hormones) and be breast fed for the first 6 months (my milk wont come in for about a month). Formula is an option but not my first- its never killed a baby it just is my preference not to use it. The alternative means trusting another mother. DH asked how I didn't know if the woman was inducing lactation as well... what medications is she taking... what is her diet like- again I'm putting my trust in another woman I have never met to help my "dream" of motherhood come true. Maybe I'm just too much of a dreamer and need to settle?

Problem 4- I have no clue as to when baby will arrive
Solution: prepare...

Done that- I'm ready already! The room looks like a nursery/office but I'm ready to take my stuff out whenever needed.

I feel like with every rant I go on I've at least explored my options... am working towards a solution but in none of these scenarios are the solutions ideal. How often in life though is the solution truly perfect? I know baby will arrive and I'll be faced with a new set of problems/solutions.

Thank you all for your kind words on my blog, by phone, or in person. I wish it wasn't so but it's nice to know I have people who understand.

... and now I'm 30

2011-12-12T18:58:00.000-08:00

I didn't sleep well last night. I got an e-mail from the NE Milk Bank which informed me that as long as I had a prescription from a doctors I could order from them (good news right). The area that I live in is very "pro" breastfeeding and if my pediatrician wasn't supportive I'd find one that was. So here is the clincher- $4.50 PER OUNCE!!! I think since we would have a prescription we could use our health savings account but assuming that a new born drinks 24 ounces of milk in a 24 hour period thats $108 per day, and $3240 per month! So my plan is to breast feed but I have no idea how much I'll produce and since I had a breast reduction surgery about 10 years ago if they even "work." The idea is that I'd hopefully only need one month but who knows.

I got an e-mail from Le Leche League as well yesterday which was semi positive. She indicated she knew no one in the area that had induced lactation, and did not know anyone that had used any of the adaptive breastfeeding techniques. She did offer a 5 french gauge feeding tube that I could have which is a cheaper form of the at breast systems that you can purchase. I had seen it during my research but was not sure of the gauge so that was helpful. Essentially the feeding tube is a straw and each time they suck the milk is drawn into the tube. She also invited me to the next group which since its during the work week in the middle of the day I don't know that I can go, on top of I dont know if I can watch a bunch of women breast feed. She also said that she knew of women that shared milk informally but was unable to assist in establishing that connection. Which I get.

So I sobbed. I think DH thought it was because of my impending birthday which I honestly think was a small part of it but really I just feel like the cards are stacked against us on top of I'm sick of waiting. Anything we want or need that women who give birth just get naturally I have to fight for my baby to get or they just plain dont get. Examples: biological baby insurance pays for all medical visits/ We have adoption fees LOTS of adoption fees; biological baby mothers can choose to breast feed/ I have to pay for medication out of pocket to induce lactation; biological mothers can choose to formula feed their babies/ I have no choice unless I want to pay 4.50 an OUNCE!; biological mothers (at my job) get paid maternity leave/I get unpaid maternity leave; biological mothers know their baby is theirs/I have to wait 21 days to make sure my baby stays; biological mothers get 9 mother to prepare/ I get an eternity. Most of the above list really doesn't matter. I want to be a parent, but I also like every mother want what is best for my baby and I strongly feel like breastfeeding is one of those things. All I have to say is with all this effort I don't know how I'll handel the disappointment if this doesn't work.

So after I got all the crying out I googled "where to buy breast milk" guess what its legal! For $1-2.50 an ounce you can buy breast milk from mothers who are over producing. Will I do it? I have no idea. Honestly my plan is the day I get the phone call is to post on FB and ask people to ask people. Am I crazy? Yes probably but only crazy in a I want what is best for my baby sort of way. So I didn't get to sleep until 11 PM so I was tired today.

That set me up for a bad day generally. My work schedule was messed up (which it shouldn't have been because I posted my schedule last week Wednesday), I had to present to a bunch of med students (that literally were falling asleep), and then as I was about to leave the building I got a page (I was dumb and answered it) and it was someone asking me to come to the front office because the state wanted to ask me about a patient I had cared for. Once I was home my day was much smoother but I've decided I will never work on my birthday ever again!!

DH made me dinner, I took the dog for a walk, we watched Everything Must Go, I got my blender that I've been wanting forever, and I had cake. So in the grand scheme of things 30 isn't bad.

Oh and I almost forgot to mention- I got my new drivers license. When the lady asked me if I wanted a 2 or 4 year renewal I told her it depended on how good the picture was. She promised 4 year quality and she delivered. I am not ashamed to show my license anymore!!

Birthday Count Down

2011-12-11T15:43:00.000-08:00

So unless I get a call in the next five and a half hours I will be older then thirty when I have our first child. I know its silly and arbitrary but its what I've always expected. If I could have had it my way I'd be working on baby #2 at this point.

I had a really nice birthday weekend with DH and friends celebrating the last of my twenties. We went dancing Friday night and had dances with all my favorite dance partners (DH included). Yesterday I went out to breakfast with a good friend. Last night DH took me to a very nice restaurant. When we got home I took a bath, listened to Frank Sinatra, and relaxed.

Tomorrow I will go to work then get my drivers license renewed (and get a new picture!!). DH will make me a nice dinner, and hopefully my blender will come :)

I try to make myself feel better by saying all of these things would be hard to have done if we had a baby but honestly I'd give it all up in a heart beat. When DH asks me what I want for Christmas I've told him I dont want anything because I dont want anything except a baby. If he really insists on getting something- new siding on the house would be sufficient.

Breast Feeding Consult

2011-12-09T14:45:00.000-08:00

I went to the OBGYN office for the first time in almost two years. The woman that I used to see no longer works in the practice so I was scheduled with someone new. It was strange to be back. The woman took me back skipping taking my weight and did a half hearted job at taking my blood pressure (lets just say I'm positive it wasn't accurate I work in health care but it was really just a formality). There is nothing like going into an OBGYN office to remind you of what never will happen for us. So she gave me the bathroom is here if you need it line (which she gave out of habit because women who are pregnant's bladders are always in need of a bathroom), she left the room, and I proceeded to burst into tears.

While we waited I convinced DH to talk about boy names w me. We had picked a boys name while we were on vacation in FL in April of 2009. Then about a year ago DH decided he didn't like it anymore and suggested a different name which I liked but didn't love. We couldn't agree on anything. I like names with optional nick names but have a formal full name i.e. Francis-Frank/Fran. DH seems to like names that are simple but you can't make into nick names or they are nick names in in of themselves i.e. he would pick Bob as a name rather then Robert. We just didn't agree, but it at least kept my mind busy and positive. **None of these names listed are options**

When the doctor finally came in she was helpful. I had all my questions answered and she seemed interested in helping us. She had the protocol in hand which I already had (You can find it here). She said she had used the protocol before however whenever she had done it she had used the short protocol and none of the women ever got a full supply. She recommended using less of the domperidone since I am not a large person. She suggested that we use the New England Milk Bank for milk for our babies first month as we wont likely have warning before the baby comes. She also suggested looking around for someone locally that might be willing to help us with milk for the first month. So I will try to get a prescription for the milk bank from the pediatrician's office. I also will contact LeLeche League to figure out resources in our area.

Monday the medication should come in and then we find out how much this is going to cost. I have no idea if insurance will cover it but honestly I dont really care.

Part of the protocol requires me to start on birth control pills which I have not taken in almost three years now. I think for DH starting back on BC is a reality check that adoption is our plan (I made him come with me and I'm glad I did). We have unexplained infertility, when we give our "profiles" to a doctor each and every one has said that doesn't make sense you should be able to get pregnant (she even freakin said that today). The thing is though there is "should" and then there is reality. There is nothing more we could have done- we tried stressing/charting, we tried "relaxing," we tried medication, we tried not trying, we tried acupuncture, we tried everything. Starting birthcontrol again though means we have 110% stopped trying. It is that important to me to breastfeed. Once our baby arrives I'll stop the birthcontrol to induce lactation and who knows maybe we will be "one of those couples" that everyone seems to know that once they adopt they get pregnant but i'm not holding my breath.

After the consult we went out to lunch. We agreed on a boy's name and shook on it (I should write up a contract and have him sign it). I also tried to get him to agree that I'd be willing to have baby #2 be a boy if he was willing to let me use the name I liked. That didn't work.

Immediate family responses to Adoption Friendly Language Letter

2011-12-07T13:46:00.000-08:00

Roll Call:
DH's Father/Mother- Mother responded
DH's Brother/Sister In Law- no response
My Father/Mother- Mother responded
My Younger sister- responded (I actually read it to her prior to sending it out)
My Older sister/Brother-In-Law- no response.

I didn't really expect my older sister and her husband or my brother-in-law and his wife to respond. I don't think it was a negative reaction they just tend not to communicate very often. There also is a good chance my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have yet to read the e-mail but I could be wrong.

So the first response I got was from my sister. She even had indicated herself that she didn't know how to refer to adoption related topics and was part of the catalyst to get the letter written. Having her help edit the letter was helpful because I could have a perspective of someone that knew nothing. She e-mailed me a response ending with the affirmation that we are going to be great parents (I swear I wasn't fishing for complements by sending this letter but I think almost every response included this affirmation).

My Mother-In-Law was the second response to which she indicated that November was a special month because it was her birthday, her husbands birthday and her mothers birthday. She also indicated that she thought her mother (who passed about a year before I met DH) had a hand in our adoption. My personal reaction to the letter was that it was a bit self centered but honestly I dont really care as long as she got my message. This hopefully will give me a place to help reframe her language when she says things that are not adoption friendly. That was and is the objective of the letter- to create a framework to work from. I'm sure she is going to say things that will make me cringe again but now I can say to her "Why dont you just refer to the baby as a baby or your grandchild vs (insert what she said here)?"

My mother took a LONG time to respond (I just looked back- it took 2 days I guess it wasn't that long but it seemed like forever). She didn't say much it was brief but thanked us for putting the time into the letter and told us she is looking forward to being a grandparent. What I think was key though was that she responded to the family mailing group.

So When we finally talked about the letter (we talk every day and I dont think we talked about the e-mail for another few days) she said "thinking back I'm sure I've said some of those things but I just didn't know" I told her that I'm sure she had as well but I feel like I can TELL her when she says something that hurts (well most of the time).

She then went on to share my fathers reaction which was "when it comes to 'politically correct' terminology for things we are not familiar with we have to turn to those involved and go with what makes them comfortable." It made me wonder if one of my sisters had called or if my mother had challenged the language of the e-mail. Either way I think its true. Some of the language I'm not fully sold on and can be flexible with; however this language was created with all perspectives of the triad (birthparents, adoptees, adoptive parents) we all have to respect the language and try to do whats best/right for our families as well.

I think what is key is that the door is open for communication both ways. I now hopefully will feel comfortable educating my in-laws on adoption and they hopefully will feel comfortable coming to me when they are not sure how to address an issue. The letter provoked so much more anxiety then was required. I wish I had done it sooner.

Family Traditions

2011-12-06T16:50:00.000-08:00

During the interview as part of our home study process the social worker asked "What are some of your families traditions growing up?" I couldn't think of anything. I was caught a little off guard. I think I told her we went to church Christmas Eve each year and couldn't come up with anything else.

Since blanking on this questions each time a family tradition occurs I think two things 1) I can't wait to share this with my child and 2) Why could I not come up with this when she asked me?!

Today is St. Nicks Day (not Christmas but the saints day for St. Nick). So last night we put out our shoes for St. Nick and when we woke up there were chocolates and nuts in our shoes. This was one of my favorite holidays growing up. Something about each person putting their shoe on their step and waking up with it over flowing with nuts, chocolates and either a kiwi or tangerine to top it off just made me happy. It also is a week after Thanksgiving, a week before my birthday, a little over two weeks before Christmas, which is then followed by New Years. It was also special because its part of my German heritage. I can't wait to share this tradition with my child. I've already started to think of some of the dilemmas. We live in an area thats predominately French not German there will not be other kids at school that have St. Nick come. We also dont have stairs for the shoes to sit on.

The other thing that I was thinking about is how funny it is that I still think of things I should have/could have said during our home study interviews. Thank goodness that process is behind us.

Loaded Question

2011-12-04T13:50:00.000-08:00

So for the second time in two months my mother asked me “Are you happy?” Last time she asked me I responded by asking “what makes you think I'm not happy?” Which I don't think she expected and well the conversation faded away. I tried it again this month and well... she kept pushing.

So the answer to if I'm “Happy”?
Yes I'm happy with a great deal in my life. I'm comfortable, have a job, and have good health. I have ALL my basic needs met and then some. So as a surface question yes I'm happy. I do not go around Eyoring around. I have the opportunity to do things that I wouldn't be able to do- like yesterday I made a nice dinner with appetizers, salad, main course, and dessert for DH spur of the moment.

So here is where the question becomes loaded... and here is my answer.
Since our challenges with TTC began I do have a more cynical view of the world around me. I am always closer to tears then I've ever been. I told my mother that trying to have a baby for 2 years and 8 months is frustrating and upsetting. She responded "Oh I didn't realize that trying to have a baby still was something you thought about?" Which aggravated me. Trying applies to both conception as well as adoption... the end result in both is a baby! Her perspective of waiting is that its one that is passive (which in many ways it is) but for me its still a very active process as it affects me each and every day. She told me she wakes up every day wondering if "today is the day" while I wonder that when I feel like I can't wait another moment. It is what gives me hope knowing that it will happen. Its just frustrating not knowing when. So I'm happy but still wanting more.

My Weekend (aka Saturday!)

2011-12-03T08:23:00.000-08:00

I got up late and started my day with a walk with the dog to get coffee. I've started a load of laundry. I'm going to get my hair cut by the best hair dresser in New England. I'll come home, go grocery shopping, relax a little more. Make a nice dinner for DH and I to enjoy together. Snuggle with the dog since DH works at 3AM tomorrow (on the couch- shh... dont tell).

I love weekends without a plan.

Three generations of adoption respond

2011-12-01T19:47:00.000-08:00

So I didn't write the letter to our family and friends to get a response but I'm sure people are wondering what types of responses we got. I'll devote a few posts to the topic one from people who have/were adopted, one for our immediate families, and one for general responses.

Prior to sending the e-mail out to all family/friends I sent out the letter to our aunts/uncles who grew their families with adoption. All but one of our family members that has children that joined their family through adoption responded (I think DH's aunt just has not checked her e-mail yet). All of them responded that they wished that had done something similar when their children were younger or while they were waiting.

We will be the third generation of parents to adopt. My Grandmothers brother and his wife on my fathers side had two girls, my Grandfathers sister and her husband on my mothers side had a boy and a girl, two uncles and their wives on my fathers side in total have two boys and three girls (both of these families also have biological children), and DH's aunt and her husband on his mothers side have a son. Each families mode of adoption was different (private domestic, international, foster care, orphanage, semi-open, and closed) but they have gone through what we are going through now. Granted things have changed drastically in the process from the responses we got I dont think much has changed unfortunately in peoples perception of adoption.

So you would think that since we are "third generation" we wouldn't need to send out this letter. One thing that makes us unique is we will be the first to hopefully have an open adoption. Also our parents were aunts/uncles/cousins and our siblings were cousins to the children that were adopted into our family giving them a layer of insulation from the process. I'm also sure when we got married this path was not what they envisioned when they thought of their grandchildren/nieces/nephews. They had to aclimate to the idea as we did. I think I'm fortunate to have the family that I do. I think they all want to do whats supportive and right, but clearly from the responses I have gotten past adoptive parents have felt like we do now- unsupported. I realize more and more that its likely because they dont know how not because they dont want to be supportive. We are the first "generation" to express our needs and I hope it makes a difference not just for DH and I but also for past and future generations of parents in our family.

Changing Table!!

2011-12-01T14:09:00.000-08:00

Our changing table arrived. I know I heard from a few different moms that a changing table is over rated and to use either a pack & play with a changing table on it, use a dresser, or skip it all together. I plan to use cloth diapers so there just is so much stuff to store so I splurged and got a table. I found a nice changing table that has six cubbies for baskets. The top part can be removed later so that it can be used for toys when the baby is no longer a baby. It matches the crib exceptionally well and DH diligently put it together the day it arrived.

(Thank you!! I know you wanted to wait until your days off to put it together but I couldn't wait to see it!!)

Are You unable to have children?

2011-11-30T14:21:00.000-08:00

Uneducated woman: Are You unable to have children?

Me: Actually I can we are adopting.

Uneducated woman: No I mean children of your own.

Me: NO we cannot have children biologically but we are adopting.

(Good Lord thats rude!! I should have just repeated my first response).

Uneducated woman: How much does it cost?

Me: It depends since its income contingent.

(she noticed I was getting irritated I think)

Uneducated woman: I was just asking because my daughter has been trying to have a baby for 12 years.

(yeah.... right...)

So I sent it... No turning back now.

2011-11-29T15:44:00.000-08:00

I e-mailed the letter out. One round to my Dads family at about 3PM and another one about 15 minutes ago to my Moms family, our friends and DH's family. So far I received one response. It was from my younger sister who is actually the one that prompted the letter in the first place. It was a very positive response and she told me that she knows we will make great parents. I'm not sure what to expect, but I will let you all know!

Ironic

2011-11-28T13:17:00.000-08:00

Last November I was debating when I should get baby stuff. This November I have the crib. Its all set up (and now needs to be taken down I just can't look at it). I have a bag packed with a list of things that we would need to grab (cell phones, chargers, camera, clothes, pj's, money, credit card, car-seat, insurance cards, licenses, contacts, glasses, medications, and a gift for the birthmother). I have all the diapers I need, a breast pump, tub, bottles, baby clothes, and sheets. I think I have everything I need to hunker down for the first month.

DH will tell me its not ironic but just a fact... he never did like that song.

All joking aside- I'm seriously ready already!!

Adoption Friendly Language Letter

2011-11-27T16:09:00.000-08:00

I have sent the letter out first to my cousins and aunts and uncles that grew their families with adoption. The letter has not been sent and I'm open to comments/suggestions.

Dear Family and Friends,

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. During our last year of waiting we have had many wonderful conversations with family and friends. We also realize that adoption language is new to many of you. So we thought we would take the opportunity to talk about 'adoption friendly' language.

Each adoption is different and each family that grows with adoption is different. We also want to start to prepare you all for the arrival of our baby. Adoption is not something that we plan to keep a secret and we will openly discuss in our home. We hope that you can become comfortable discussing adoption as well to help reinforce that our baby will be special because s/he will have two sets of mothers and fathers that love them. Us and their birth parents (birth mother/birth father).

The birthparents will work with our agency to create an adoption plan. Parental rights will terminate 21 days after the birth. We will care for the baby during the 21 days during which the birthparents can decide not to continue with the adoption plan. After termination of parental rights we become guardians and wait another five months approximately before we go to court to become parents. Birthparents do not “give up” their baby but rather “place” their child with us as it is a proactive choice they are making that is not easy.

The story of how the birth parents came to make an adoption plan as well as how our baby arrives in our arms is all part of our child’s adoption story. We want to share our child's story first with them which means that parts of the story will not be shared until our child is older. Each child's adoption story belongs to the child and is not ours to share.

We are excited that you will become aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and friends to our child on the day our baby is born. Our baby will be our son/daughter and your niece/nephew, cousin, grandchild, or friend. If you want to share our good news you can tell people we “have/had a baby” because kind of like a cookie you don't have to bake it to have it. Its a balance when sharing about adoption- the stranger in the grocery line doesn't need to know, but our close friends/family will know. The word adoption will never be a part of our introduction when introducing our baby to someone for the first time. We ask that you use the same care when introducing our baby. When in doubt leave it out (or ask us)!

If you are not sure how to ask a question or how to refer to something related to the adoption please ask. If you know other families that are touched by adoption ask them what language they would like you to use as this letter is what we feel is best for our family. Part of the reason we wanted to start the conversation now is we want everyone to be as comfortable and excited about our growing family as we are.

We continue to wait for our baby and are eager to become parents. We thank you all for supporting us through our wait.

How Adoption Has Changed Me... Part I

2011-11-26T18:38:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago a friend of mine informed me she had read my blog start to present. She suggested that I should share the blog with more people because she gained so much from it. So I decided to read my blog start to finish to reflect back and see how this process has changed me... for the positive and or negative as well as to help me determine if I should share my blog more openly. I call this Part I because I feel like I'll need to continue to reflect on how Adoption has changed me. Adoption will continue to change me, my family, and the people around me.

I think the biggest thing that has changed is my awareness of adoption around me. Birthmothers and adoptive families are all around us. We might not know who they are but they are around. I have become more open about our plans to adopt as our wait continues. Why should I not share? I'm not ashamed of it. It will be obvious when I never was pregnant and now have a baby. Its not a secret and it never will be. Our agency urges families to be cautious with sharing that they are waiting; however I feel like it continues the history of secrecy. I have a co-worker that has been talking to be about the adoption frequently (not in a have you heard yet sort of way). Another coworker pulled her aside and told her that maybe she shouldn't talk about it because she could be hurting my feelings. I actually appreciated her talking to me about it. I've learned so much about cloth diapers from her. Its nice to be treated like an expectant mother. The quieter I am about the topic the more it will be treated like a secret that shouldn't be shared.

In the past few months in connecting with Adoption Bloggers I have gained a better grasp on understanding Birthmothers. I just read a post tonight in which a birthmother reflected on her feelings on infertility since creating an adoption plan for her daughter. Her sentiments about infertility are my exact sentiments about unplanned pregnancies. When I was in high school girls from my school would become pregnant and I'd think "that sucks." I'd also think of all that they would have to give up to raise their babies. When I watched Juno, and Teen Mom (we were still TTC) I thought that stinks but it so selfless. Now I realize that the heart break I have is not for the same reason but is still just as real for birthmoms. Birthmothers do not create adoption plans because they don't love their children, they create adoption plans BECAUSE they love their children. Are their other reasons? Like creating better opportunities for their future as well. Yes, but from what I have read and seen its because where they are presently wont allow for their children to have all that they want them to have. Due to my new understanding I am a stronger advocate of saying yes the waiting period sucks for me, but its heart breaking for the birthmother. She deserves an opportunity to make sure she has made the best decision for her baby. Will I be scared the adoption plan could fall apart- Yes. However I also know that when my heartbreak ends their hearts are breaking.

Adoption friendly language. I'm working on it (in fact I have a post I've been working on). I struggle with the language. I read another post by someone that spoke of the differences between the use of the past/present lingo. Five years from now "My baby was/is adopted." I feel like both are relavant and it depends on context. I take pause when speaking still to make sure I'm using the correct phrases. Its not easy for me. In trying to formulate a letter to my family I think I've realize that what is most important to me is that my baby is first and fore most a baby, a son/daughter, cousin, grandchild, friend, etc. Unless adoption is the topic the discriptor shouldn't be used anyway. I also think to what I have learned in my professional life as whats called person first language. When discussing a persons disability you state the discriptor then the diagnosis for example it would be "The boy with autism" not the "autistic boy." We are all people first then there are atributes that describe us. Same with disabilities unless the diagnosis adds to the conversation it shouldn't be used as a discriptor. So rather "The boy with autism is playing on the computer" it is "the boy is playing on the computer.

In reading back- I've said a few things that made me cringe in re-reading them. I've grown in this roller coaster called waiting. I have not removed a single post because this blog is a reflection of my journey. I struggle with the idea of sharing this roller coaster with more people. If I shared this blog with more people there are a few posts I'd have to take down or edit to eliminate self identification as my goal never was to chastise people. I'm learning as are the people around me. I am not perfect and neither are they. Maybe I will share my blog just not yet.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T17:59:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I'm going to get up early and go into work. None of my residents are thrilled to be at our facility for the holiday. I'm going in extra early to have time to do a few more morning routines w people. I'm looking forward to being busy and helping others make lemonade out of their lemons. I'm always better at helping others look at their situation with optimism.

When I get home I'll make beds, a pie, and a salad. Then guests should arrive. I'll keep busy entertaining. At the end of the day I'll remind myself all that I am thankful for then go to bed praying that I don't have to do this again next year.

Surprising Out Comes

2011-11-20T12:56:00.000-08:00

So I got to my In-Laws. We had a nice dinner. My MIL and I were chatting in the kitchen when she said "Come here I have to show you something." She took me into the spare bedroom where there were four bags of baby stuff!

So you may think I got bought out of the conversation; however the excitement as she demonstrated while showing me all the stuff made me know that she is excited. I think my idea I had the other day is accurate. She needed to grieve our infertility- was she hurtful, yes; can I understand- I'll try. She isn't all the way there yet. When we had gotten home from shopping she interrupted a message being left of the answering machine. She told the acquaintance that she had just been out shopping. She stated that we were "shopping for my dtr-in-law thats waiting to adopt a baby." *cough* umm.... are we not shopping for your Grandchild? At another point I said something about she could pick whichever outfit she wanted because she after all is the "Grandma to be"- comment was ignored.

At this point I think its more real to her then it ever was before. Having been told by the agency that we were one of two families for a baby thats already been placed somehow made her realize that we are just a choice away from a baby. I still feel she is distancing herself from the situation.

So on my way home I talked to my Mother telling her how everything went (she wasn't thrilled about me shopping with my MIL based on how wedding dress shopping had gone). My Mom was impressed with her growth but also agreed with me that she seems to be not fully ready to accept her pending role as Grandma. I then called my younger sister who also asked how the trip went. When I described the above story my sister told me I was being too hard on her. She also said I was too picky about adoption language. When I told her for family I am because these are the people that need to make my child feel accepted.

In a nut shell I realize my MIL is not the only one that needs education. So we are going to craft a letter to everyone (immediate and extended families) about adoption language. I've tried the subtle approach and it doesn't seem to work so I'm going direct!

Just a little fun/depressing fact... the Linen's & Things (which is out of business) where DH and I registered is now the Babies R Us we went shopping at this weekend.

A truly fun fact- I have picked out a crib, bought a mattress, and have every item on the list you all helped me come up with!! (I got a baby tub as well).

Frank Conversations

2011-11-18T11:15:00.000-08:00

So the weekend is finally here! I'm going shopping with my mother-in-law, sister-in-law and sister for the essentials. I'm a little nervous.

I am going down tonight alone (DH has to work today and tomorrow and I work Sunday). I am staying with my in-laws and then tomorrow my sister and sister-in-law are going to come over and we are all going to go shopping in the morning. My plan is to finally talk to my mother-in-law tonight. I'm really glad that I did the interview project before this trip.

One idea that I was able to formulate as a result of the interview was that our extended family had to grieve our infertility. We tried to keep them all in the loop as much as possible because DH and I saw where the plan was going from early on; however some information we wanted to keep between ourselves. For those of you who have experienced infertility you can understand how invasive the process can be and there are things you probably chose never to share with family. We are also all waiting and each of us dealing with the waiting in a different way. I have to blog or I go crazy. DH says little because thats my DH- he's not a talker. My mother always is trying to DO something or FIX the problem.

So I still plan on talking to my Mother-In-Law tonight about her initial reaction to our adoption news. I think my approach and some of the hurt has faded with my new perspective. I don't think she was trying to be hurtful. Intentional or not my feelings were hurt. I hope this weekend can help re-establish our relationship back on a more positive note. I'd like to think we are two very different people but I hate to admit that we both are very opinionated people. Sometimes though its key to know when/where to share those opinions.

2011 Interview Project

2011-11-17T17:18:00.000-08:00

Open Adoption Bloggers is a group of bloggers that write about adoption from the many voices of adoption. Heather of Production, Not Reproduction coordinated an interview project in which she connected these bloggers. Each pair became familiar with the others blog and then interviewed the blogger.

So I'd like to introduce you all to my interview partner Maru the author of the blog Adoption Journey and the blogger that introduced me to the Open Adoption Bloggers. I dont recall how I found her blog but I do recall reading her first post. I even wrote a post about it. Maru is the blogger that I quoted in my post I'm Not The Only One who brilliantly tells people the city and state her baby was born in when asked "Where does your baby come from?" She has many more brilliant one liners for when "People Say the Darndest Things" about adoption.

Maru is the amazing mother of a two year old. She also recently posted on her blog her plans to home school her daughter. She is candid in her blogs as well as in life (follow the link to People Say the Darndes Things). Not only does she chronicle her journey but she also gives me hope that all of us waiting will one day be Moms. She also is a reminder that once the phone call happens so could motherhood- so be prepared!!

I hope you all enjoy her responses as much as I did!

1) Were you concerned about having a shower before your match?

I wasn't concerned about things like "What if we're never ever matched and I end up with a bunch of baby stuff?" I was more concerned about the people we invited - what they thought, whether they would show up and support us or not. One friend called me after she got our invitation, knowing we were waiting to adopt, and right after I answered the phone she screamed off the top of her lungs "You're pregnant!!!" It's strange to have a baby shower when there's no belly, not really a baby on the way, you know? So it certainly felt awkward to have a shower before being matched. I was afraid people would think we were crazy... Even at the baby store when we were making our registry I felt like an impostor. My bigest concern, as you can see, was about what other people thought because they didn't understand adoption.

We had no idea of what kind of match we would have. We might meet the birthparents before birth and have a due date; or we could be matched after birth with a newborn, which is what happened to us, and in which case you just run and hop on a plane as soon as you get the call; or we could be matched with an older baby. We simply did not know. I'm a compulsive planner so I wanted to be ready for any scenario. So we decided to have the shower before being matched.

It was a wonderful experience. We were surprised about the overwhelming amount of support we received. Almost everyone we invited showed up and brought us lots of presents. Everything in our baby registry, except for one baby night gown I bought myself after the event, everything made it to the gift table, and then some. But the most beautiful thing was the heartwarming messages everyone left along with their gift. Words filled with blessings, hope, and love for our daughter, a baby girl no one had yet met, not even us. Everyone was welcoming her into our family, into their lives.

2) I saw at one point you wrote about being torn as to who you should share your blog with. I struggle with the same problem. I find it easier to share with strangers than with people I know. Who do you share your blog with?

I used to share it with everyone while we were waiting, although I'm almost certain very few of my close friends and family members ever read any of it. Now I don't share it with anyone, not even on Facebook, as I used to.I have either run into someone who wants to adopt and doesn't know where to start, or friends, even clients, refer me to their friends who want to adopt. I share my experience with them and direct them to my blog. Everything is documented in there, every part of our journey. I only want to help. But my bog is here, in the world wide web, and anyone can find it. Go figure... So yes, I also find it easier to share my blog with strangers than with people I know.

3) If you were stranded on an island with Fico and M what material item would you want with you? And why?

Stranded on an island? I hope they have power, because all I want is my computer with all of M's pictures. I guess I'd die if - God forbid - I ever lose them.

4) Do you feel torn between educating others about adoption and keeping M's story her own? How do you handle this?

Oh, yes, all the time. At first we were so cautious we could be mistaken as secretive. M was 18 months old when my mom and dad saw pictures of M's birth parents and M's life book (adoption story) for the first time. In my parents' case it was an accident. I wasn't planning on showing them anything, but I took M's book to the hospital one time she was hospitalized with a bad case of bronchitis. M kept asking for it. One day my mom came to visit and found it when I was taking a nap with M. My in-laws quickly followed. This time M picked up the book herself and showed it to them. We've had to learn along the way to select the pieces of information that are fine to share and identify the ones that we should keep private. It's been a work in progress. Every situation is different, every person you are sharing with is different. I guess you have to cautiously choose your audience and decide what is private, even with close friends and relatives. Now, when it comes to strangers at the check out line at the grocery store, it's much easier: everything is private.

5) Did you have a hospital bag packed before you were matched with M- If you did- what was in it and if not do you think it would have been helpful?

Hahaha. Let me quote myself "I'm a compulsive planner." Well... I knew I needed a hospital bag packed. A few weeks before we were matched I read an article in Adoptive Families. Or was it before the shower...? I'm not sure... Anyway, the article had a list of things we should have ready and packed in a hospital bag in case we got the call about a baby who was just born. Well, guess what? I left it for later and never got to it. Nope, the compulsive planner forgot to pack a bag. And when we got the call I was so nervous I packed the worst bag in the world for me, but I'm proud to say I packed a pretty good one for baby. I got in there about 10 onesies, the night gown I wanted her to wear as her going home outfit (nothing fancy, it was just the first piece of baby clothing I ever bought, the one present left from our registry at the baby store), one bottle, one pacifier, 3 burp cloths, a swaddling blanket, a grooming kit, a first aid kit and a diaper bag. I managed to get in there two shirts for me, two cargo pants, two pairs of shoes, and three purses I never needed or used, of course, and that was it.

We traveled by plane and checked in the car seat/stroller travel combo.

We thought we were picking up baby and flying back the next day, but we were wrong. She was a preemie and we had to take her back for checkups every 48 hours. We stayed for 10 days.

She was so small nothing I brought in my bag fit her. So, we later went to Target and bought smaller onesies for baby, hooded towels, wash cloths, bibs, burp cloths, alcohol wipes (to clean umbilical cord), baby wipes, diapers, diaper ointment, more formula (they gave us lots at the hospital, though), Dr. Brown's bottles (M didn't like the ones we had), bottled water (for formula) and baby wash.

We later had to go back to buy clothes for Mom and Dad too. ;o)

So, the only thing missing in my hospital bag was a hooded towel, washcloths, bibs, more burp cloths (3 isn't enough) and alcohol wipes. If you are traveling by plane, water, formula, diapers and wipes are stuff you can always buy after you leave the hospital. If not, having these items with you would be even better.

As for formula, wait and see what the baby is having at the hospital. They'll always send you home with formula and a few diapers. They did in our case, plus they also gave us a bag with all sorts of baby product samples and freebies. :o)

6) What is your favorite tradition you have started with M?

We don't have a "tradition" per se, but we have breakfast every day together as a family. And every night we put her together to bed. She drifts into dreamland with me, though. That's my department. ;o)

We take her once a week to her baby gym. She started when she was 3 months old. The three of us go together twice week - once for a class, and every friday afternoon for open gym.

7) I think the thing I look forward to most is reading with my baby. What is M's favorite book? You have many books you have recommended through out your blog about adoption. What books about adoption have you gotten for M? What books do you recommend for waiting families to read?

She loved "Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes" by Mem Fox and Helen Oxenbury. Her favorite? "Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Tale" by Mo Willems. Neither is adoption related. She also loves her lifebook. She calls it "M's story." She asks for it almost every night.

On books about adoption for M, "Tell Me Again About The Night I Was Born" by Jamie Lee Fox is absolutely adorable. We modeled M's life book around the style of that book. Another one I just got (stay tuned for a thorough review) is "I Don't Have Your Eyes", by Carrie A. Kitze.

For waiting families I recommend "What I Want My Adopted Child to Know" by Sally Bachetta. It's a MUST read. "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother" by Jana Wolff, is also very good. "Adoption Nation" by Adam Pertman is a MUST read too, but it's more like and encyclopedia of adoption.

8) What is the biggest thing that has changed in your house since the arrival of M (besides of course the presence of M!)?

We've learned to eat well! I used to cook maybe once a week and eat out every day. Now I cook almost every day, we don't eat out, unless it's an occasional date night. And when we go out as a family we still bring her her own food. We eat a more balanced diet because we feed her a balanced diet. We try to buy everything organic. Lots of DHA and Omega-3. Vitamins for all the family every day. She always has a home cooked meal. No fast-food, potato chips, or highly processed foods. When we started her on solids we tried baby food first, but quickly changed to home made baby food. I never imagined I'd be cooking so much!

Another thing that has changed is that we have less time for ourselves and with each other. But we do enjoy time together as a family every day.

9) I often feel like an ambassador to adoption (one without a guide book). How do you decide when to put on your adoption educator's hat and when do you just let things go?

If a stranger is just being nosy I try to let it go. It's not easy, but I'm getting better at it. If it's someone I know, or even someone I've just met, that really needs adoption education because of a misconception, for example, then I try to address the issue as gracefully as I can. Not easy either. It sometimes depends on my mood. ;o)

Unsolicited Advice

2011-11-15T17:59:00.000-08:00

I get lots of unsolicited advice about adoption but I dont get much about babies.

So I'm asking for it! I want the BASICS. The plan is to have a baby shower after the baby arrives.

I'm going shopping this Saturday on my list so far:

Things I have or can borrow:
Going home outfit
Cloth Diapers (check?? I have 32 prefold plus about 10 inserts with 7 newborn fuzzie bunz and lots of wipes)
Breast Pump
Pack N Play (on stand by)
Baby Swing (on stand by)
Car Seat
Blankets 5 (thanks to wonderful friends/family!!)
The Day you were born book and a Baby Book special for babies that are adopted (Thank you again friends and family :) )
Baby carrier
bottles (I think I have four I dont recall and I can't find them at the moment)
stroller
lots of books :)

Things I Plan on getting or may need more of:
Crib
I need a Lactaid
Formula? (how much to get me started?)
Onesies (how many?)
Receiving blankets (I have 3 plus one swaddler)
burp clothes (I have three- I also am not opposed to using whatever is close to me i.e. diaper or receiving blanket)
Sleeping gown (how many?)
Crib mattress
Crib sheets
Crib cover

Things I plan to use in the mean time:
Pack N play
sponge baths

Have I over looked anything that is a MUST have?

Too Much Overtime!!

2011-11-15T16:02:00.000-08:00

So this past week DH got held over every day this week. Which means over time, which means more money. This may sound like a good thing to most people but we are going to be close to falling into the next higher income bracket for the adoption if we keep making extra money this year.

I normally would think its a bad thing to try to surpress income to try not to fall into a higher bracket. In our case though this is a fluke. I worked a school contract last school year to help an OT assistant that needed an OT to supervise her in order for her to work. I gave her one year to find someone new. So I was going to be done with schools until another friend needed her district covered while she took a maternity leave. If she couldn't find someone to cover her case load, the district would have established a contract with someone that could cover the entire school year. Had I not covered she would have had to either be out of a job or not take a maternity leave. So I agreed to cover for three months.

So next year I wont have these contracts. I wont be working 6 days per week so as a general rule our income will be much lower so it wont matter how much over time DH accumulates. This year though the over time has to stop!!

Times a Ticking

2011-11-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish by different ages. To name a few... I wanted to be married by 27. I wanted at least one child and a house by 30.

So I'm married and have a house... but I have one month from today to have a baby.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" John Lennon

(Side note- we got two onesies for our hospital bag... we also plan on creating a list of things to bring to the hospital with us).

Winter Blues

2011-11-10T14:54:00.000-08:00

I got the winter blues real bad last winter. I dont know if it was the adoption or the quantities of snow that we got. So I'm trying to think ahead.

I know when I'm busy I'm stressed but happy. So I have myself covered unti December 16th when I'm done covering my friends maternity leave in the schools. Then there is my birthday, Christmas, New Years. We have a weekend trip planned for the first week in January... but then its bleak and cold until who knows when.

I thought about running a full marathon in the spring but I also recently remembered my immense displeasure with running in the cold (my lungs burn!). So I may do a half marathon again in the spring with the hubby. It made me realize though that really what I was looking for was something to keep me busy and my mind active.

So things I'd like to do this winter:
- find a routine volunteer engagement
- Join a gym
- Visit my sister a few times in Boston
- Visit my in-laws (we really have not done this much and I know we should be better)
- Ski at least once
- Swing Dance more (practice sessions once a week plus dances)
- Keep going to church on Sundays
- Visit my aunt in MA for cross country skiing
- Visit my cousin in NY? Maybe make it a cousins weekend?
- Hike
- Learn to knit something other then a scarf
- Go to AOTA conference
- become better connected with our friends here
- have a baby? God knows that would keep me busy.

Breast-feeding and knitting

2011-11-08T19:02:00.000-08:00

So a year ago I got a breast pump. I started following a protocol which did not require hormones. I had minimal success but because it meant I had to pump three times a day it was challenging with work. As I became more discouraged with the waiting this past year the pumping faded away.

This past weekend when I was at the grocery store I peeked the the formulas available. It just felt wrong and I found something wrong with every one of them. My mother breast fed all three of us. She comfort fed us until we could talk. She worked as a lactation consultant as part of her job as a social worker working with first time teen moms. So I feel immense guilt that I've stopped trying. So I e-mailed my neighbor that I know breast fed her son that was adopted. She provided me with a protocol that uses hormones. Its one that I've run across a few times but have been hesitant to try. She has the name of a lactation consultant she used (which wont be coved by insurance) as well as I asked where she got her drugs from.

Today I made an appointment with my primary care physician. I doubt that she will give me a prescription (since its not FDA approved use) but I at least want to have some blood tests to make sure my hormones are at an appropriate level prior to starting the protocol. I also want to make her aware of what I'm doing even if she can't support me legally. I will then go from there.

I know it will be hard as well as frustrating to pump again with no baby. I know though that if I give up know I will kick myself later. This isn't about saving money (the drug is expensive and insurance wont cover it). Its about doing what any parents would do which is at least try to do what they believe is best for their child.

On a side note. A coworker of mine is knitting soakers for cloth diapers. I have not knit since I was 11. She keeps wanting to teach me. So I've started a scarf. Once I can knit consistently I'm going to sit down with her and learn how to knit soakers. Its going to be a long winter so I guess I now have two new hobbies to keep me busy.

Sunday is church day

2011-11-06T16:36:00.000-08:00

I debated back and forth if I was going to leave work today to go to church. My case load was light and I could have gotten out early and enjoyed some time at home with DH. I had forgotten my lunch so I called to ask DH if he would meet me at church and bring my lunch. So it was settled I'd go.

During the joys and concerns a grandparent had written that they were joyful to have their adopted grandchild with them that day. I didn't think much of it. Then about thirty minutes in I noticed a small note at the bottom of the order of worship which stated:

"The flowers today are in celebration of this congregation's adoption-expanded families, in gratitude to birthparents who made adoption plans, and in honor of children waiting for forever families."

Then as the offering plate went around a little boy caught my eye- I knew him! He was the baby that one of the couples in our support group had adopted- he was with Grandma!

Todays service reminded me how integrated adoption is a part of our church community. Its everywhere. LIkely the flowers were because of adoption awareness month but I look around and spot family after family which has grown because of adoption. My child will not be different because of the way s/he joined our family.

Fiscal Responsibility

2011-11-04T14:08:00.000-07:00

So I'd like to think that we are fiscally responsible. We have minimal credit card balances which ebb and flow but primarily stick near the 0 mark. We have student loans up the wazoo- but who doesn't? We pay our car loan weekly and are starting this month paying our mortgage bimonthly (1/2 at a time) to decrease the interest we pay. ALL of DH's salary goes into savings and we dip in as needed.

We saved for a good down payment for our home, which was excellent practice for what we didn't know what was to come. We save for major purchases like the reno in the bathroom or the dishwasher. Nothing has been more challenging then saving for the adoption. To become a parent from adoption requires financial discipline like no other. We have a pot full and ready knowing that hopefully soon it will be depleted possibly all in one day if we have an out of state placement. I will then be on unpaid maternity leave for 3 months.

Infertility followed by the financial stress of saving for adoption (and then paying for an adoption) sounds like a recipe for marital disaster. So far we have weathered the storm with minimal rough waters. I credit DH's even disposition that likely keeps him employed. I wonder at times how other couples survive or don't survive. It makes me sad our society does not support families like mine more. Not because we are saving the children of the world but because adopting a child should not be a greater financial risk then conceiving a child.

The other day my uncle in England posted a picture of his four year old girl they adopted at no expense to them. On top of it my aunt was paid for her maternity leave and although I dont recall the specific length of time she had off it was far greater then my 3 months. Her time off and benefits were the same as had she had conceived her daughter. My uncle was also eligible for time off but since he is self employed from home chose to continue to work to ensure his business continued to thrive. Oh I can only dream....

Babies and Birthdays!

2011-11-03T14:18:00.000-07:00

So my boss told me she needed to talk to me in the hall. I got scared. Some people entered the hall we were in and she said she needed to wait. AM I IN TROUBLE?!! She is expecting!! I already knew. I knew she was trying. She also just bought a bigger house. As well as she made some comment about knowing she would have a c-section this next time. She pulled me aside to tell me before the staff meeting because she was worried my feelings would be hurt. Of course I wish I was in her same boat but I'm not and I'm not sinking hers because mine wont float.

I also got an invitation to a 1 year old birthday party! Its the weekend that I was going to go shopping with my mother-in-law. Now I'm torn. Shopping with MIL, SIL and Sister or birthday party? ahhh!!

Can I just also say we just looked at our account and even with just having paid DH's LAST grad school tuition payment we are still at our savings goal for an instate adoption? There are so many things in that last statement that make me SO happy!!!

My Profession/ My Love

2011-11-01T18:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight I signed a release allowing a project that I worked on in grad school to be peer reviewed. When I opened the final manuscript I felt sick to my stomach. I'm so nervous and excited all at the same time. My career and starting a family are very intertwined.

When I met DH I had just finished my BS in Management Information Systems (AKA computer programming). I got a job as a help desk technician as I already had figured out during my senior year that I didn't want to be a programmer. I dabbled in the idea of a technical writer since my minor was English but during my senior project found out about this cool thing called Assistive Technology (AT) which helps people with disabilities become more independent. Once I found AT I knew I had found my match.

When I came to New England I wasn't exactly looking to settle down. I wanted to live here for a few years then go back to the midwest. I also wasn't big on the idea of having children. I thought I might some day but I couldn't have told you much more then that. When I met DH I knew I had my match. I also knew I wanted children. Dont worry I didn't tell him the two were hand in hand otherwise I think he would have been history long ago. Soon after DH and I met I also realized that the way I could work with AT was by becoming and Occupational Therapist (OT). The day I told DH that I was going to get my Masters in OT he refused to talk to me for about 45 miles (we were on the road back from meeting his parents for the first time).

So needless to say DH supported me in my decision to go back to school. It was a long two years but we made it work. My last semester of school was when we started TTC. It was frustrating to work with children and not be able to conceive. It was also frustrating to not be able to fix the problem. My schooling taught me how to problem solve and troubleshoot. I used my knowledge of the cycle to try to get everything just right and it didn't work. I couldn't fix the problem.

So a year after graduating from Grad School the project was to a point where we could present the data. DH and I also had made the decision the move away from TTC and transition to trying to adopt. I associate my trip down to FL to present the paper (that has just been submitted) with working on the application for adoption since that was when we started to work on our application. I recall sitting in the lobby of the hotel, having coffee and explaining to my professor just an hour before we presented the stress of filling out the adoption application as well as wanting a baby. I recall at that moment that I felt more anxiety and stress about the application then my impending presentation.

So now 19 months later the research paper is completed and ready for submission. I can only hope that maybe these two worlds parallel each other and my baby will be in my arms soon. Until then I continue to throw myself into my work. Loving my residents and my students.

A House thats not fully a home

2011-10-30T17:44:00.000-07:00

One of the main reasons we started to look at buying a house was that we were trying to conceive. We researched schools and narrowed down our search area. We determined how many bedrooms we would need and what we needed in a yard. We avoided homes with pools because thats not safe. We avoided busy roads and homes with neighbors that had scary dogs. We did all of this not because we were worried about ourselves but we wanted to create a home for our children. We wanted a place that we would stay a long time. We hunted patiently for six months before we found the perfect house. At the same time we patiently waited for a positive test but we were told we were just too impatient.

So two years ago we signed the papers and moved into our house. We worked at making it a home. We fenced in the back yard. We took care of the water that pooled in the backyard. We painted the nursery. We sealed the garage from the house and put up a fire barrier to keep our family safe.

Tomorrow night trick or treaters will come around again. Again we will ask each other if next year we will have someone to dress up. Holloween starts the season of holidays. Last year we checked off the holidays but couldn't enjoy them as I had before. Holloween followed by Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, DH's Birthday and Easter. I want the holidays to be over and they really have not even started. I've been patient enough already.

Check List Edits

2011-10-29T14:50:00.000-07:00

One of the things we did at our meeting was make some minor check list edits. Some things that at the time we initially sat down were deal breakers seemed like why had we NOT checked them now after a year of learning even more about adoption.

I feel people who have never filled out the check list really dont understand what a challenging document it is to fill out. Our pediatrician indicated that as adoptive parents we have a greater advantage over parents who have children biologically because we have the ability to check/not check certain heath problems. The advantage to carrying a child though means you have the benefit of control over your body and what goes into it. I do not have that choice. Another blogger very eloquently posted recently on why she chose to select gender for her second child. I can't say that for future children we wont make that choice as well. Yes there are advantages to adopting however there are many advantages to having biological children.

I have never once posted what specifically is on our check list. When people ask what we checked rather then telling them what we checked I tell them what we had options on. When they try to give advice about the dangers of substances used by the birthmother, I share with them that the media often misguides us to which substances are more harmful.

I struggle to keep my childs story their own. I think part of that process starts now. If I share what is on our check list I feel like I am already giving potential parts to the story.

Once my baby arrives I will immediately start to teach him/her about how s/he became our son/daughter. I feel torn as to how best educate my child. I want to be honest but at the same time I want to provide information at their level. Since adoption will be openly discussed in our home I worry that my child will not be able to realize that some information they may not want to share. At what point do I share aspects of the story? We live in a relatively small area. The children they go to school with in elementary school will be the students they go to high school with. Unlike a big city where you have an opportunity to recreate yourself as you grow and change schools I dont know that our town will allow for that. I think it will be important to keep things simple but also answer any questions they may have.

How do you allow your child the opportunity to know their story but also help them keep it their own?

Fear: Open Adoption Roundtable

2011-10-27T16:48:00.000-07:00

I have never feared a birthmother would kidnap my child. My only irrational fear initially was that if I agreed to an open adoption and then the birthparents were in an unhealthy place I would be forced to continue an open relationship that was not healthy for my child. As I have gained a better understanding about open adoption this no longer is a fear of mine as I believe my agency will help create a plan that is safe for my child as well as the birthparents. (i.e. they dont recommend unsupervised visits until both parties feel comfortable which I'm not concerned about).

The things I fear about adoption now:
- The birthparents will pick our book but then rescind when they meet us.
- The birthparents will stay in contact while the baby is small but move on when they are old enough to start understanding and have real questions.
- My child will be teased at school.
- I wont have the right answers or the answers I give when they are younger will be perceived as lies since young children need the concepts simplified.
- My in-laws wont treat my children the same as the other grandchildren.
- I wont be able to provide a culturally rich environment due to where we live and will cause my child to dislike physical features that make them "different"
- My child will not have a good understanding of their heritage.
- That my child will feel like s/he cannot talk to me about their worries regarding their adoption.
- That they wont come to us when people say incorrect/insensitive things about adoption or more worrisome that someone will tell them something incorrect/insensitive specifically about their adoption.
- That I wont be able to stand up for myself the first time someone asks me about their "Real" mom rather then reminding them that I AM my child's REAL Mom.
- That we will never catch up financially
- We will be offered another match that doesn't fit and have to turn it down (we were offered a premature baby in another state when I didn't qualify for FMLA)

The things I fear about being a parent:
- My child will not be healthy (I'd like to point out that that this firmly sits on the parent column of fears what parent doesn't count their babies fingers and toes when they arrive?)
- My child will have questions I am unable to answer about the world and how it works.
- That our planet is not a healthy/safe enough place to bring a child into.
- That I'm going to make mistakes as a parent
- That I wont have enough resources to provide all the things I want my child to have.
- That I wont be able to provide my child with a sibling (this kind of falls under adoptions only due to financing a second adoption)
- That I wont be able to protect my child from the world
- That I wont know what to do the first time my baby gets a fever
- That I'm going to drop them
- That I'm going to sleep through his/her cries at night
- That I wont be able to function because I'm sleep deprived and make a mistake in his/her care

This was a challenging prompt though I'm glad I forced myself to do it. I wrote the majority of this the day the prompt was posted but I was fearful of posting it. I think its hard to be honest about my fears. I know that just like my initial concern about the adoption plan has changed with time. I know my present list of fears will change in time. It will be interesting to look back particularly after placement.

http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2011/10/open-adoption-roundtable-31.html

Agency Meeting

2011-10-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

So I'll admit I went into the meeting with a bit of a chip on my shoulder (yes I went). I e-mailed to confirm that appointment the night before and was assured that the meeting was on. She is much more pleasant in person then she is via e-mail. I think its easy to be short with people when communicating via e-mail because its not face to face. I realize her job must be hard and having an assistant be in charge of your schedule I'm sure makes things more complicated however my time is important to. We made a few minor edits/clarifications about our check list however the changes wont make much of a difference unfortunately but who knows.

We were told that it was a choice between us and another family for an adoption that just occurred however the birth mother was seeking a practicing Catholic family. Well DH was raised Catholic and when we started dating he started attending church with me. (He was not practicing when I met him other then opening presents on Christmas). So we lost out on that one. Drat! I'd like to add to our check list "We will change religions if thats what it takes!" Oh well.

I hope that having a face as well as knowing us more then a piece of paper will help our book get shown as often as possible. She assured us that adoptions are continuing without Kate and she doesn't think our wait will be much longer. I hope she is right.

Blanket

2011-10-24T13:58:00.000-07:00

I got a lovely handmade blanket in the mail today. A friend of the family her mother is 90 years old and still loving life. My mother turned 60 just a few weeks ago and told everyone to make a donation to a charity rather then giving her things. Our family friends mother insisted on bringing something but my mother stood firm. So she made a blanket for the baby. Its beautiful browns, oranges and greens. It looks perfect in the nursery and will be perfect no matter the gender of our baby. On days I feel discouraged I'm going to have to pull out that blanket. Maybe I'll use it in the mean time.

Discouraged

2011-10-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

My mother (who does not know I am writing a blog) told me today that she wanted to tell me that she hopes I'm not getting discouraged with this process. She is sending me a blanket a friend of hers made her to give to me. I think when she initially told me about the blanket and asked how she should get it to me I told her that she coud mail it and it could sit around her or she could bring it whenever she visits. So I guess that was her clue that I'm getting discouraged.

Last week I finally e-mailed the agency (who still has not hired a replacement social worker) to ask if we should change our book or if there was something on our check list that was too picky. I also mentioned that I felt that Kate (the last social worker) knew what we were willing to bend on depending on the situation. The woman that is currently in charge of placements was Kates boss, has never met us and we are just a check list to her. She suggested a meeting.

I think I blogged about this particular social worker in April of 2010 when we first started the process. She was unwilling to take DH's schedule into consideration (which rotates) and was unable to meet late in the day (3-5) to accommodate my schedule. So as I guessed if we want an appt that works for us we would have to wait until late November. So we scheduled one for next week at 1. DH is going to leave work early and I am going to phone in (she doesn't know this yet). Back when we first tried to meet with her we scheduled three appointments all of which she canceled or incorrectly scheduled. So I'm trying to be positive and hope that she is really there that day because I'm going to be very annoyed if DH takes an afternoon off work only to find out that its canceled.

I loved Kate our last social worker. I love the counseling they provide the birthfamilies pre and post placement. I love the support groups (we used to have). I do not care of this particular social worker. I guess I feel a little snobby but I'm paying the agency to take care of my birthfamily as well as me. Right now we dont feel very taken care of.

So I am discouraged that we dont have a placement yet however at this point I'm more discouraged by our agency telling us each month that by the end of that month they will have someone hired. I think they are telling us this because they dont realize that Kate helped us set up an e-mail list in which the waiting families have been communicating. So once a month someone always asks and once a month we get the same response. Really at this point I want a good social worker more then a baby because I know one leads to the other.

I did briefly look into other agencies but where we live this is the only option. I dont want to be stuck in another state spending my babies first month in a hotel room waiting for us to be allowed to leave the state. I also would like the option of a local placement to allow for more openness. So next week Wednesday we better hear some good news.

Obit

2011-10-19T12:28:00.000-07:00

So I read an obit the other day. I work in skilled nursing facility so frequently the residence in our long term care section pass away as well as sometimes my short term patients that have gotten better and gone home occasionally appear in the obits. So one of my daily routines is to check the obits.

Sometimes I just read one that for some reason or another strikes me as one I'd like to read. People have the most amazing lives. Even my residence that I thought I knew so well I always find out something new about them.

So last week I read an obit of a man that passed away suddenly. He wasn't very old (remember I work in skilled nursing so my definition of young is different then most people) younger then my parents but well beyond child bearing age. His surviving family stated "Lou is survived by his beloved wife, Joan, and their dog, Scout" Now dont get me wrong I love my pets and I know nothing about this man except his obit. The funny thing is that he had lots of interactions with youth- he started a youth golf camp and was clearly involved with nieces/nephews. Maybe his wife didn't want children or maybe it was infertility but all I know for myself is I would be crushed if my obit read that I was survived by my beloved husband, dog molly and cat chester.

I met a Birthmom

2011-10-18T16:18:00.000-07:00

This past week I met a birthmom. She lives blocks away from me but I met her by chance. She was talking to me about her grandchild and I casually asked her about how many children she had. She informed me she had one child. I then causally asked a few more questions and the responses were not exactly adding up. I must have gotten a funny look on my face because she then told me she had placed her baby up for adoption. She seemed uncomfortable. I got so excited! She was the first birthmother I have ever met.

I didn't know what it was that made her share the fact that she had placed her daughter up for adoption. Had she let the moment pass I would never have known the difference. I wonder if my cautious questions about children may have led her to reveal this fact or if this was something she openly shares. I do not ask people about children unless I am given some indication they have children. I often ask my patients if they have family in the area. I typically ask generally about family or about spouses (if they have a wedding band) which often reveals if people have children. I have learned from my own experience that I dont like being asked if I have children by strangers so why should I do the same? (In my line of work children and other family members are often key to their rehab so I am not just prying).

The women shared that she had recently reconnected with her daughter and was able to meet her. She also shared that she had written letters to her daughter through the years but these were kept in a folder at the agency. This is how her daughter found her. I then asked if she knew about open adoptions. She had not and I told her that we were waiting to adopt a baby. I told her how we would meet the birthparents and would continue to have contact. Her discomfort faded away. She thought open adoption sounded wonderful but she sounded a little skeptical then she asked me "What if you move away." I told her we would have to make a plan for that.

I think it was neat to meet someone that is a birthmother but in meeting this birthmother it made me realize that I likely have met many birthmothers and never known. I wonder how many birthmothers I will meet (besides my own children's birthparents) due to the fact that my children will be adopted. I think the best gift this woman gave me was the confirmation that birthmothers are women that love their children so much that they allowed another set of parents raise their baby.

Stupid

2011-10-17T13:19:00.000-07:00

Eh well. I wasn't exactly thinking. DH had posted the other day that by passing the PT test we finally had all the adoption money and he got lots of likes but no real comments. So I kinda figured people knew. We have shared at work, with family and friends, and whenever anyone asks if we plan on having kids we share we are waiting. Its not a secret but its not something I've discussed on facebook before. So his lack of response made me think that the knowledge we were adopting had filtered through the networks.

So the other night I was looking at crib after crib on the internet. One looked exactly the same as the other except price so I thought I have lots of friends that are moms. My friends kids range from 14-0 so I thought I could ask for help. Well apparently the filter through the networks only worked on DH's page because I was bombarded by posts and e-mails. I think some people though it meant we had a match while others knew nothing about the adoption.

One e-mail in particular though jerked my chain:
hey congrats on your decision to adopt!
that's pretty cool
how did you guys arrive at this decision?

My response:
Thanks we have been waiting for a year now so no idea when s/he will arrive. We wanted a family so here we are waiting!

REALLY?! Would you ever email someone you just found out is pregnant and ask "What made you decide that?" I think not. I guess thats what I get for not thinking before I post. On the bright side I got a lot of good information on where to look for cribs in the NH area near where my in-laws live as well as more positive comments to stupid ones.

I understand ignorance- you can't be blamed for what you dont know. As well as lots has changed in adoption even since I was a kid. Sometimes I'm sick of having to educate people on adoption friendly language and to bring to peoples attention when they are insensitive. I just wish people thought before they spoke. I dont think anyone ever had to be educated that saying to a pregnant lady "What made you decide to get knocked up? or WOW you have gained weight during your pregnancy" was rude. How come it doesn't seem to cross peoples minds that asking: "what made you arrive at that decision?" or "how much will your baby cost?" is rude as well.

So today I posted on my facebook status:
According to Wiki:
Ignorance is "is a state of being uninformed" while stupidity is "a lack of intelligence, understanding, reason, wit, or sense" So does someone go directly from ignorant to stupid if you try to inform but they still can't get it?

Sparkle

2011-10-16T14:56:00.000-07:00

At least once a day the sparkle of my engagement ring catches my eye and draws my attention to my wedding band. Its a reminder that I'm a lucky lady that has found my perfect match. I can't imagine this journey without my partner.

A few weeks ago in my frustration of waiting I told DH that I need to hear that its just as frustrating for him as it is for me. Since then on two occasions he has made comments that remind me that its not just me that is frustrated. One such comment he made was one I frequently make which is "I want a baby." Hearing that comment directly from him makes me love him even more.

Some day the sparkle in my childrens eyes will remind me that I have the perfect match. That sparkle will also remind me that I was hand selected by their birthfamilies to guide them to their full potential.

Just when you think you are down someone picks you up

2011-10-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

Today I got an e-mail from the wife of one of DH's friends. It was completely unexpected, heartfelt and thoughtful. It was empathetic but not pity filled. It was just what I needed. I think it was motivation to open the nursery door and get some work done in there.

Family

2011-10-15T08:13:00.000-07:00

I don't have a lot of family near by which is one of my fears of starting a family. I don't have parents or siblings that I can count on for an afternoon of unexpected babysitting. Its me and DH. I do have an aunt and uncle that lives down the street and I am sure she will be involved but at this point I dont know that I can count on her. They are both still young and very active so they are not exactly accessible since they work hard during the week and play hard on weekends. As they get closer to retirement they have enjoyed longer and longer vacations which leaves me to wonder what are we going to do?!

Lucky for us we have a great group of friends that are very much like family. Last week I put out an e-mail asking for pictures with us and babies because I'm updating our book. Within an hour I had pictures. Within days I had an offer to have DH take pictures with a baby, since we have lots of pictures with me and babies and none with him. (I take any and every opportunity to hold a baby). It wont be my Mom and Dad or my sisters near by but I know I'll have support. I also have to remind myself this little one is going to open doors to new friendships by attending play groups and library reading times which hopefully will open doors to babysitting swapping. I am sure I'm not the only Mom to be in this situation.

Peace Offering - Help!

2011-10-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

OK so I've been VERY good about not specifying family members but I can't dance around this one any more. I will start that every family member- my sisters, my parents, my aunts/uncles, and cousins, as well as DH's family members at some point has said something that was hurtful. My family I have been able to call them on it however because DH's family is (yet is not) my family I have not been able to be as direct.

Creating our family with the help of adoption is not the first time my mother-in-law has been uncomfortable or unable to relate to me. When we got married she just didn't seem to get into it. Our wedding was in a church but it wasn't "traditional" in terms of brides maids, showers, and big reception. At the time I told myself she was distant and uninvolved because she didn't want to step on toes because she was the mother of the groom; though she proved me wrong when my brother-in-law got married (her youngest son). I think its that she is uncomfortable with anything out of the norm. I'm not sure if its because it makes her uncomfortable or she is worried about what she is going to have to say to others. For our wedding I'm sure her family asked her questions about why only immediate family was invited and now with the adoption I assume she is asked questions as well (assumings she has told people). I get it. It was uncomfortable telling people we just couldn't extend our wedding invite list beyond immediate family and now with the adoption people have said lots of dumb things to me regarding how we are starting our family. I am sure people have asked her about becoming a grandmother when both of her sons are now married (one of them for over 4 years). I'm making assumptions. Who knows but I've never asked her.

So this week I told DH that I was going to go shopping for nursery furniture with her. In part because there is better shopping in their area since its near Boston but also because I hope its a way for us to get a chance to talk. I want to tell her desperately that she hurt my feelings when she wasn't excited for our adoption news but rather told us to try fertility treatments. I want to tell her that she continues to hurt my feelings when the topic of our adoptions transitions into a conversation about what her teenaged nephew has done wrong most recently (he is adopted). I want to tell her that her lack of acknowledgment hurts. I know if I dont' tell her now the hurt isn't going to stop and when my brother-in-law and his wife become pregnant and she showers them with excitement its going to hurt even more. People say that when the baby arrives her feelings will change however it doesn't change the hurt. I am going to need to teach my child how to love their grandmother. If I dont love her how can I do that?

So this is where I ask for help- Anyone had this conversation? How did it turn out? Was it before/after baby arrived? Did it help or hurt the situation?

Finances- check :) (kinda)

2011-10-11T14:43:00.000-07:00

So DH is required to complete a physical fitness test two times a year. If he passes the test he keeps his job and gets a bonus. If he fails he has to keep taking the test until he passes and no bonus. So He got his bonus, yesterday was holiday pay for him, and we got our escrow balance returned from our refinancing. SO for an instate adoption we have all the money saved we need. The catch is that its not all in the bank until Thursday. So until I see that number exactly where I want it I'm going to remain cautiously optimistic. We have come close before only to have some unexpected event like the dishwasher breaking come up.

For an out of state adoption we still have a little ways to go however we still have the checks from my parents to cover until we reach that goal as well. This week we also applied for and got approved for an airline miles credit card. Our plan is to put the adoption on the credit card and then pay it off as soon as we return (assuming its out of state). This will mean we will have miles to burn probably to go home to visit my family so they can meet the little one- however a tropical vacation might be fun (we can all dream).

Adoption is expensive and it seems so wrong to me. We are not wealthy and we had to work hard to save for the adoption. This adoption means we are going to literally clear out our savings to have a child. The responsible thing to do when expecting is to save so you have a nest egg and can even start thinking about things like college. We will keep on saving until we reach our out of state cap and then move on to saving for my maternity leave and then baby furniture. We have reached one goal but the saving seems to never stop.

Sunday uplift

2011-10-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

I took the time to go to church again yesterday. It made for a 10 hour day and I didn't do much of anything (despite my to do list) once I got home. I think I've decided that I should just go for the children's sermon each sunday. It was a really sweet exercise. Everyone in the congregation was given a penny. You then made a wish/prayer on your penny (for the world, yourself, whom ever). You then exchanged your penny with someone else, someone else, someone else. Each time you had to get up and go a little farther from "your seat" to exchange the penny. In the end you left church with someone else's prayer which you are to tend to. My prayer remains secret but I hope the person that ended up with my prayer takes good care of it.

When I got back from church I went to see one of my residents that I had not had a chance to finish that morning. We got to talking and she divulged that yes she had two children but they were adopted. I asked a few questions and then shared with her that we were waiting to adopt. Her session flew by because we talked about adoption from her perspective as a mother of adopted children that are grown with their own families. Before I left her room she said "I want to give you this tid bit." She seemed a little nervous. She then shared with me a story about her grandchildren and calling their dog "adopted" because they ended up having to give back the dog because he bit someone. I then told her that it was funny that she should share the story with me because I had JUST blogged about my problems with calling pets adopted. She looked relieved that she was not the only one who thought this. As I walked out the room she said "We can't change the world can we." to which I responded "We can make change one person at a time."

In addition two of my residents today told me that I clearly love my job and that I'm good at it. All of this made for an amazing start to my week.

So I leave you with a spiritual that we sang today with not so much gusto in our small new england town but its one of my favorites...

You are never too young for infertility

2011-10-09T15:02:00.000-07:00

I wish someone had told me that infertility wasn't just for "old" people. It doesn't happen just because you are "one of those women" who puts her career first and dries up. There is male infertility and female infertility both of which present their own set of challenges. There is also what is known as "unexplained infertility" as well as many specific diagnosis. No matter what "type": male, female, known, unknown; its all painful.

DH and I went for a few sessions of pre-marital counseling because our church did not provide it. The therapist asked us what our plans were if we had trouble with infertility. Lucky for us (so he said) we already knew we wanted adoption as part of our family planning of if infertility was a problem we would just adopt. We also knew IVF was not in our cards. Little did I know there were other options but having had that conversation in that therapists office even before the "I do's" we had somewhere to start from. The conversation gave us a starting place and a stopping place. At the time we knew there was a small chance (so we had been told) we would have trouble with infertility but we were young so we were told not to worry.

What I've learned from infertility is that fertility doctors will keep going, and keep taking your money until you say "I'm done." They work in their field to get women pregnant even when the odds are not good and they even succeed (sometimes you just have to drain your resources first). It has to be hard for them to say "I dont know that fertility treatments are your best option." The cost of one IVF treatment is 1/2 of our adoption fees. Until you have tried them all there is a chance to get pregnant for most but what are your odds? We were told12% a cycle. When you are speaking about something you most desperately want 12% sounds like good odds to me. I can't tell you how many times we were told "you are young!" As if that was an inoculation for infertility. We just had to try a little longer, a little harder, and do treatments.

I wish more people were educated on infertility. Every wedding or engagement I hear about I want to tell them to consider what they will do if they struggle with infertility. I don't typically but a few close friends I've made off handed comments. If you have the conversation but it's never needed nothing is lost. If you dont have the conversation and infertility rears its ugly head its heart breaking but you have a general map of how to proceed. There is pressure from family/friends and your medical team each with a different idea of what you should do. Ultimately its whats best the couple. We were likely conservative compared to most, but its what our hearts had told us was best for us even before we knew we were affected by infertility. Yes being young is your friend when you are trying to conceive but no one is ever too young for infertility.

Full Circle

2011-10-08T05:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I woke up late and got cleaning right off. The bathroom was first followed by my first load of laundry. When DH woke up we went to breakfast together and then I went to get my hair cut. I went right to work for a few hours to make up for a sick day this week then home to clean.... so I have decided-

October 7th is officially my annual new clean like a mad woman day. A year ago I was preping for our home study visit. I did not clean on the 7th last year but rather in the week prior. Today's accomplishments- Laundry washed/folded- check, sheets changed- check, bathroom/kitchen cleaned- check, house vacuumed- check, floors mopped- check, dishes washed/put away- check, shower curtain washed and back to new- check, pets brushed, and summer clothes swapped with winter clothes. By no means is this close to the list I accomplished last year but the house feels good.

I know its not the best way to cope with feeling sad- but its something I have control over. I can keep my home clean I can't make a baby show up. There are worse ways to cope with sadness and stress.

Dreams

2011-10-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday when I came into work my coworker told me she had a dream about me. When I pressed her she told me that it was about our baby. She told me that a baby named Bethany had been born, we had met her and she was our little girl! The strange thing is that we had a baby shower but Bethany's parents had changed their minds so at my baby shower there was no baby. A happy turn of events the birthparents had another change of heart and during the baby shower Bethany returned. I called her "Beth."

When she shared the dream with me I told her it was interesting that she would dream about our adoption because tomorrow would be one year of waiting. This coworker isn't one that has asked many questions except to ask if it would be OK to knit a blanket.

I don't talk about our infertility much on this page because that not what the blog is about. Not to say it doesn't make me sad. I would be fibbing if I said that I dont get angry especially when someone that is in ill health becomes pregnant. When she told me her dream I felt like the baby that was taken away was a baby that we could never create and the baby returned was our baby. No baby has ever been taken away from me. There never was a baby and we will never create a baby. Our baby will be placed in our arms by another woman who will trust us to parent her baby.

I looked back today on the blogs from last October. Two of them were posted on the 10th but the one about the home study was about October 7th the night of our home study and the night we were approved. Since our approval announcement to family, two birth announcements from my cousins have gone out; while we continue to wait.

A year ago I was glad that we finally were in a position to wait. I thought foolishly that the waiting would be the easy part. What could be harder then writing your parenting style and being fingerprinted (aka made to feel like a criminal)? At that time I felt like- at least we are waiting for something real versus the month after month cycle of failure. After a year of waiting I realize that at least when you are TTC (trying to conceive) there is something to do and you can work hard at failing. While we wait I have nothing to work hard at and I have no control. Many days I get by, by telling myself literally we could have a baby tomorrow or next week. It can't be much longer. What we do know is at some point we will have parenting sprung upon us with little to no warning.

No warning you say? Clearly we know it WILL happen but without the when its hard to psych yourself up to get things ready. I can't bring myself to read parenting books, or baby how to book's. I gave up on pumping for now because although those are things to do- there is no finish line. How many parenting books to I need to read to achieve the ability to parent? How much wasted milk to I have to produce to earn the right to feed a baby?

A year of waiting makes me wonder is our check list of "requirements" too picky? Is there something we said in our Dear Birthparents book that is causing us to be rejected? What about me is not good enough? I want numbers, statistics, facts. I want to know when or at least what we are doing wrong. The longer we wait the more I feel rejected. We know our book has been viewed but no one has picked us yet. I'm starting to feel like the last kid picked in gym class.

So I have gone back to why I started this blog in the first place. I started it to present our journey. To keep track of the hard parts knowing that when our baby arrives joy will melt our hearts and this struggle will be forgotten. It also has allowed me to connect with others and realize that my frustrations are not new- they are a shared experience called "waiting to adopt."

So my dream is as follows...
I get a phone call giving me the good news that a birthmom is due in one month. She has selected us and can't wait to meet us. I like every mother gets to share the exciting news with DH (as opposed to the other way around which only can happen with adoption). We create an open adoption plan for the birthday and for our baby's life. The birth is smooth for her and baby and we get to spend time together in the hospital. Baby comes home and becomes a toddler, who becomes a child, to a teen that like all children has his/her ups and downs. Our child will know about how they joined our family and why open adoption makes them special. I wish that s/he is strong willed (careful what you wish for-right), intelligent, self confident and always able to follow his/her dreams.

Open Adoption Roundtable

2011-10-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

I am not sure where I heard of open adoption first. I have known about adoption since I was small I had many family members and friends who were adopted. All of them were foreign adoptions or through the foster care system. I've always wanted to adopt a baby even as a small child. My cousins and friends that were adopted were so special and amazing, unique and loved.

As a result adoption was always part of our original family plan though we are not following the script. DH had never considered adoption but I was able to convince him that I was willing to carry one child then we would build our family from adoption. (I want three kids DH only wants two... thats to be debated on another day). When we were unsuccessful at creating a child on our own we moved directly to adoption.

I think I had a slow exposure to open adoption so that when the agency presented open adoption I finally had a name to the experience. My experiences with my friends and cousins with closed adoptions seemed like something was missing. Juno and Teen Mom also had brought adoption to pop culture with varying levels of openness. The idea seemed neat to me and I know I spoke to my cousin that was adopted from foster care after watching Juno. He indicated that he didn't want to know anything more about his mom then he already knew from his case file.

When open adoption was presented to us I needed to help my husband understand why having interaction with the birthparents would be an amazing opportunity. Once the fears and questions are answered it seems like- why would you keep your child away from people that love them? It will help us raise our baby with double love and we will have real answers to real questions from the source. This isn't about family medical histories (you can get that from paper) this is about having a connection so the birthfamily knows their baby is loved, and our baby knows they are loved.

Our agency starts with the requirement of a meeting prior to placement and a meeting post placement with the birth family. Our state does not mandate that open adoption agreements be upheld which I feel is like kidnapping (why promise something you wont uphold). I hope that our birthfamily is open to meetings, I hope to set up skype, and online photo albums. I worry that our placement will be out of state which will mean that in person meetings might be less then once a year but my dream is at least yearly visits and frequent communication. I hope not to scare off our birthfamily!

Often after drug exposures, the idea of open adoption is what people "warn us" about. With any relationship there is always risk of breakdown- not everyone is compatible. We are not moving in with our birthparents we are establishing a relationship that is what is best for our children. If the best doctor in the world had the worst bedside mannor would you choose not to see him? Probably not. From what I have seen on other blogs; most open adoptions work because birthparents pick families that they relate to, and thus there is already a connection. I'm more worried about what I'll do the first time my baby gets a fever then I am about open adoption "horror stories."

http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2011/10/open-adoption-roundtable-30.html

This is NOT a race

2011-10-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

Every time I learn someone else i having a baby and even more so when I find out someone is having a second baby I tell myself "This is not a race." I then remind myself of all the positives to waiting for a baby- more financial security, a strong relationship with my husband, free time, maturity which comes with age and waiting. I also then feel a little guilty - am I in turn saying that my friends/family are not financially stable, that they dont have strong marriages, that they wish they had more free time, and that they are immature? Am I saying I'm going to be a better parent or that I'm better then them?

I feel like I can't cope with waiting without either being self righteous or envious. Neither of which feels good.

Tonight I found out on Facebook of all places that my cousin is having a second baby. (OK here I digress- WHY would you announce something like that on Facebook.... now granted she apparently e-mailed the family then ten minutes later posted on FB). At least tell family/close friends first then plaster it all over facebook. So why is she so special that she can have two babies while I still wait and wait and wait? At least she didnt' say anything about the baby being the third great-grandbaby like my other cousin did when he announced the impending arrival of great-grandbaby #2- thats a little presumptuous to say that I couldn't have my baby before. Now granted his wife had great-grandbaby #2 a few weeks ago while I continue to wait for my baby.

Have I mentioned recently that I sick of waiting? I know this is not a race but as one year of waiting is two days away and my 30th birthday inches closer it makes this wait stink even more.

Went to a movie because I can

2011-10-03T18:46:00.000-07:00

Decided at 5:30 that we were going to a movie tonight. Had dinner and went. No childcare arrangements needed. Just went. I'll be envious of my former self one day.

Prayer Book

2011-10-03T18:44:00.000-07:00

I finally went to church after a LONG time away. I work Sunday-Thursday so going to church adds time onto the end of my day. So that meant today I was at work until 5:15 however it was well worth it and I need to remember to take that time for myself.

A year ago I put in our prayer book at church a "Joy" (all entries are titles joys or sorrows) that we had been approved as an adoptive family. We have another friend who has put us in their prayer book and a coworker that last week told me she was praying for us. I want to believe these prayers will work.

This year I was going to put down a sorrow when I realized that I still had my joy from last year. We are still waiting for a baby which means we WILL have a baby however I'm also sad we dont HAVE a baby yet. So I stood there with the book for a minute and decided to break the mold and put "Joy/Sorrow: Joy that we WILL have a baby soon. Sorrow we have not been matched yet after a year of waiting." When the minister read the Joy I heard a happy gasp behind me and when the sorrow was read I heard a sigh. The very next prayer though was a sorrow and made me realize that my prayer still is not truly a sorrow. The next prayer was for the niece of a parishioner that is 28 (a year younger then myself) that was just diagnosed with cancer. She has a 1 and a half year old baby. The prayer after mine put mine into perspective. I have my health, I have a home, I have a husband, just no baby YET.

So then...the Children's sermon was about when things are broken it is an opportunity to make something different out of the situation. I'm thinking THATS US! I have to say I often enjoy the children's sermons more then the adult sermons. Its so simple. A synopsis: a plate breaks and you take the broken pieces and turn it into a mosaic - too easy. I wish.

The adult sermon was about reflecting on your year and forgiving. The ironic thing was on my way into work that morning I thought that one of the things I needed to do to let my anger go was to forgive the family member that stated "People like you can have babies" when we told them we were adopting. Maybe I do need to forgive them- but does that mean I have to tell them they hurt me? The sermon went on to say that part of change and forgiveness is seeing the sweetness even in bitter situations. Its hard to find sweetness but when I really take a moment to reflect there is sweetness, and there is opportunity to forgive. As my mother always told me- "you can't control others, others cannot control you- you can only control yourself." By allowing things like that hurtful statement to eat at me for over a year I've allowed others to control me. As a result I have focused on the bitter and overlooked the sweetness.

Sweetness lies in the opportunity to have a better relationship with my DH. Sweetness lies in getting to paint my nursery and reupholster the rocking chair. Sweetness lies in knowing that someone is going to make us parents. Sweetness lies in knowing that I have a warm bed, a job, a warm marriage and the means to raise a baby. Sweetness also lies in a church that makes me realize that even in the bitter and sadness there is sweetness- and I need to take the time to reflect on that by going back to church more regularly.

So to end my month of songs... there is sweetness in my favorite part of church- singing my favorite hymns!

Drained

2011-09-29T17:31:00.000-07:00

I'm drained. Empty. In need of refueling. I cried myself to work this morning.

I got the best hug from a preschooler. I got to be goofy and fun. Colored, and stretched putty the width of the hall- we probably should have gotten in trouble for how much fun we were having. Watched a child write their name for the first time- smiles.

I got asked from nearly every teacher if the woman I'm covering for had her baby and how they are doing. No one will even realize to ask about mine because I'm not expecting. I'm waiting.

I'm looking forward to my vacation tomorrow.

Round Table- My favorite Post

2011-09-27T18:02:00.000-07:00

My favorite post is one that was unexpected but true to my emotions and fears. Getting To Know You I felt free to talk about my fears. I think one of the reasons I'm often defensive and sensitive to adoption questions is because at times they get to my own fears as adoption for us is a complete unknown. I've heard parents say "I wish my baby came with a manual" however at least they knew the approximate date of their babies arrival, and developed personality traits based on their babies activity in the womb. How much of that is projected onto the baby who knows but I'm terrified the baby is going to be placed in my arms and its not going to feel "right."

http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2011/09/open-adoption-roundtable-29.html

Fighting Back Tears

2011-09-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

OK here it comes again my Dear Aunt Flow and I again am on the verge of tears at most moments of my day. I never realize how close I am to tears until someone asks me if I'm OK. A coworker yesterday offered me a hug, another today asked if I was doing better because it looked like I was going to cry yesterday and a third coworker just generally asked how I was doing. Clearly I'm not as good at holding up my facade as I once was but I also dont really think its possible right now.

I decided to help a former coworker cover her maternity leave so once a week I'm working in the schools again. I initially said I wouldn't do preschool just because I don't think I can do it emotionally well guess who couldn't say no and for two months I'm doing preschool once a month? Medicare is changing their rules October 1st so stress at my Sunday-Thursday job is high for everyone. Then to top things off I'm approaching one year of waiting and Dear Aunt Flow is about to visit. *sigh*

So onto happy notes-
I'm only working a half day Friday and we are going out of town for a visit to my real aunt Rosie.

I got a blog comment from a lovely lady who just turned in her finalization paper work! I e-mailed her and almost wrote "Baby dust" which is what affectionately was posted on trying to conceive sites for women just before aunt flow arrived in hopes that they would get a positive pregnancy test. I think I could use some baby dust- I wonder if baby dust applies to adoptions? Getting the comment though did remind me that I'm one year in and though there is no time line - my neighbor was matched after 1 month of waiting- I am in the process and hopefully one day closer to our baby. Its also reminded me that this process is 100% guaranteed so I'm no longer hinging my hopes on fictional dust.

Positive conversations

2011-09-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

So I often write about negative conversations so I wanted to write about a few positive conversations I've had in the past few weeks.

Three weeks ago two co-workers were standing at the nursing desk talking about someone that had 4 kids by 18. I piped in and said I couldn't have imagined having one child at 18 let alone 4 along with the fact that I'm almost 30 so I'm way behind. The co-worker responded "Well you better get going." I decided to risk it and share that we were waiting to adopt. Both of them got excited and asked me tons of questions about when/gender/etc and I told them my usual- I know nothing. The following weekend the nurse that had been at the desk that day stopped me in the hall to say "Do you have a baby yet?! I'm so excited for you!" It was really nice of her- I just hope that for however long it takes she doesn't ask me every week... but based on how excited she is- maybe I wont mind. (I am going to refrain from sharing a negative comment a coworker that over heard this conversation made but rather the positive which was that she was adopted).

My second positive conversation was when my aunt and uncle came in from out of town. They along with the rest of my family received the announcement last year that we had been approved. They asked lots of question but were again positive and excited. At one point my aunt pushed a little on the visitation arrangement since there is a strong chance our child will be born in another state. Not to say we would not have physical visits with a birthparent out of state it just isn't likely going to happen every year since both of our families live out of state. So with traveling three different directions to visit family no one even now gets yearly visits. On top of the fact that at this point its hypothetical and well we will cross that bridge when we get there. When I told her that she backed off and the rest of the conversation was fun.

One interesting thing .... I was just reading another adoption blog and she was talking about not sharing gender or baby names with family/friends until the baby arrives to make it fun and have something to keep between the expecting parents. Granted we dont know the gender which we have been asked frequently- but I can only think of one person that has asked about names... Which we do and I'm not telling :)

Bipolar

2011-09-21T18:21:00.000-07:00

There are times like tonight that I am in fact glad our baby has not arrived. I know if baby unknown was here I'd have made it work but it wouldn't have been easy. I had to work late this afternoon and when I got out of work there was a text from DH stating that he was being held over and he didn't know when he was going to be home. By the time I got home it was almost 5 and I was supposed to be at dance at 6:15. Well I had to clean the house (long story but it HAD to be done) as well as we needed to eat as well as I had NO clue as to when DH would be home. So I started with the cleaning, moved onto dinner and was a half hour late to dance but I guess thats what had to be done. Halfway thru vacuuming the house I thought "Thank goodness I dont have a baby right now."

In the middle of swing dance I thought to myself for a brief moment "Dear God please dont make me keep going thru this." I was having too much fun dancing that my prayer I hope was heard but I didn't have to dwell.

To top off my evening were sweet comments from a true friend on yesterdays blog.

My ups and downs sometimes makes me feel like I'm off balance.... but swing dance seems to level me out.